A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (8 page)

Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

 
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5
Dial 911: Taking Action
As Dogen says, "A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love." Even though it is so, this is our life,
SHUNRYU SUZUKI, ZEN MIND, BEGINNER'S MIND
If it's an emergency, you need to act quickly. If your child has made a suicide attempt, call 911 for an ambulance immediately. If your child is talking about wanting to die and can't promise not to make an attempt at suicide, then find a crisis center. Nowadays most cities have a crisis line that can help you find an adolescent treatment center.
The day I took Rachel to the hospital was the holiday for Martin Luther King, Jr. I pictured him with his dream, his courage, and asked that she receive the same courage in her quest.
The point of this brief chapter is simple: You must put the book down and dial 911 if your child is in danger.
 
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6
Inside the Heart of Despair: Asking for Support
Oh, where can I go from your spirit, Or where can I fall from your face? If I climb the heavens you are there. If I lie in the grave, you are there. If I take the wings of the dawn And dwell at the sea's farthest end, Even there your hand would lead me, Your right hand would hold me fast.
PSALM 139:7-10
This psalm is a comfort to me in three ways. It expresses my love for my daughter, it stands for my awareness of a higher power in my life, and it reminds me that my daughter also has a higher power. When I feel anxious about her well-being, I remind myself that no human power alone could have relieved me of my alcoholism; a miraculous higher power lifted me from my dependency. That same power is available to her.
 
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When we live through a crisis, we may receive many miraculous gifts. We may experience our friendships in a new way. We may experience our spirituality at a deeper level. At every step of the way it is important to ask for support. It is important to think about what you need and keep asking until you receive it. Your needs will probably change in character as the crisis changes from an immediate to a long-term situation.
Ask for Help
When you ask people for help, proceed cautiously. Not everyone you know is going to be supportive of your situation. Some have an aversion to any situation involving hospitals, treatment centers, locked wards. Some are going to be judgmental about suicide. At this time you can't afford to be around people who don't support you. You need to take care of yourself, so don't feel obligated to discuss your situation with judgmental people. I've found that many parents with small children pull back when they hear stories about adolescents in pain. I feel as if I can hear them thinking,
"My
child, my darling sweetie, will never rebel like that!" When a child is in a severe crisis, parents don't need criticism or advice. We're probably already getting more than we know what to do with. So I simply thank them for their concern and turn to those who can really help me.
 
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You
will
receive support if you ask for it. You will be surprised at the warmth and generosity you receive; there will be so much of it. It may come from unexpected people.
Personal support is vital to making it through this kind of stress. If you come from a background similar to mine, you may not have much support from your parents and extended family. That means you will have to work actively to find the support you need. You have to ask for help with practical things, like driving to the hospital, and for spiritual support.
During my crisis I felt really loved because of the people who came forward to help. I deeply value the friends and strangers who offered help. My sister and her husband were there every day. I've known people who don't have any living relatives; I'll always be grateful that my sister is here with me.
Another source of supportive people are other adults who care about your child. Think about who your child trusts and ask them for help: teachers, hairdressers, employers, and neighbors are a good start. I let Rachel decide who she wanted to come to the hospital to visit with her. The people she baby-sits for came to see her and brought their baby. It was wonderful to see all the other adolescents in the hospital flock to see the baby. The baby was so full of life, she gave everyone hope. I
 
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called Rachel's favorite cousin and asked him to call her. She was surprised she had a cousin who could connect with her pain.
Deal with Feelings of Hopelessness
You must find a place to turn when you feel hopeless. Some people in Twelve Step programs think of their friends as their higher power. Others have a strong relationship with God as they understand God, as a spiritual being. If ever I needed a higher power, it was when my daughter was in the hospital. I had a difficult time dealing with my despair, and I asked a lot of "Why me?" questions. Despair often washed over me with the same intensity it had before I sobered up. I felt powerless and inadequate. I felt like I had messed up my life. I also felt mad at God for giving me so many difficult problems.
My despair included feelings of hopelessness, shame, powerlessness, guilt, and anger. It included the hopelessness of thinking I would never break the negative patterns learned in my family of origin. I would come home from the hospital and lie down and think, "I can't recover fast enough. Why do I have to go through this too? Don't I ever get to escape the crisis mode of living?"
I didn't want to turn it all over to God. I felt like I would be surrendering Rachel's life, like Abraham
 
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putting his son on the altar. When I was a child, I didn't think Abraham should have put his son on the altar and, as an adult, I still don't think so. I don't have that much faith. Why would God want me to surrender my daughter? To write about it and then give others hope? No. I already did that about my family of origin and about incest. I don't want to keep undergoing terrible challenges just so the world can get the benefits of my experience through my writing. Let me experience some joy and I'll
gladly
write about that!
Finally I let my pain and despair be okay. There was so much of it, I would come home from the hospital and lie down and let myself just be in pain. At times I didn't want to talk with another human being. When I was really hurting, my chest felt like a flat, gray stone wall. All my sensations seemed to be focused on this emptiness. I felt carved out. I felt my chest was like the back side of the moon: gray, huge, pock-marked with craters, absolutely devoid of life.
At the same time, it had a shimmer like the new moon, where I could see the roundness. That was the odd thing: it was empty, I was empty, life was emptybut I didn't feel alone. I felt like the spirit of God was there with me, spirits of my grandmother, my brother, a presence, a resonance, a grounding voice that said, "I know it hurts." That's allno promises, no cheerful hopejust a presence.
 
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Acknowledgment. God does not like us to be in pain, but I believe God is with us when we are. I didn't feel the need to talk to another person in order to feel that I had been heard. I didn't feel isolated. I did talk to a lot of people for problem-solving. But I didn't
need
to do that to feel that I had been heard.
So in the end there it was, the surrender to God's will. If this is the way it was to be, I would accept it. I didn't like it, but I couldn't keep going on willpower alone.
Love Through the Pain
I didn't have much faith, faith in the sense that everything was working out for the best. I didn't have much hope. But I did love my daughter, and I had love for myself. A specific Bible verse hit me as though I were hearing it for the first time: ''Faith, hope, and charityand the greatest of these is charity." Love kept me going. My love gave Rachel hope.
By the time my daughter got out of treatment, I was determined to fight for the services necessary for her mental health with as much strength as I had, while at the same time surrendering her to the care of God. One friend told me what her therapist told her when her son slashed his wrists: "Some of our children get to grow and become giant oaks. Others are spring flowers. We love them and enjoy
 
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them whichever one they are." I don't think I've ever heard anything sadder than this quote. Yet it gave me hope. It gave me permission to keep loving my daughter as long as she was with me.
What can you do to gather a sense of love around you? Is there anyone you can call for support? When you hear the words
unconditional love,
which people come to mind? Have you met other parents whose children are suicidal? Have you talked with any of them and asked if you may call if you're feeling upset and offered your phone number too? Ask them for help now. To sit with you. To listen to you. To be available to you.
Then think of what you can do in your life to set up a network that will continue beyond this crisis. What do you need more of in your life? What would be the most relaxing and happy way to be with other people? Imagine yourself in a serene and beautiful place. Picture yourself at peace.
 
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7
Courage: Giving Your Child Support
Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.
AMELIA EARHART
Anyone who agrees to go into a treatment program is showing great courage. Affirm your child's courage. Say things like, "I am so proud of you for having the courage to get better." Or, "I'm here for you." Consider what treat you could bring your child the next time you visit.
Each child may need different kinds of support. Rachel was happy when her aunt brought her family photos. Some children want to talk about what is happening. Other children become angry in treatment because it's the first time they've felt safe enough to express anger. So what will your role as a parent be?
Be open, be available, be ready to look at your own issues, and be ready to confront the treatment

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