A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens (33 page)

Read A Parent's Guide for Suicidal and Depressed Teens Online

Authors: Kate Williams

Tags: #Family & Relationships, #Life Stages, #Teenagers, #Self-Help, #Depression, #test

 
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be money between her dad and me. It is dangerous for me to deal with him. Although this decision has made my life more difficult financially, it is safer. I have my life.
I've done enough work on this now that I can state my feelings and opinion to Rachel without blaming her father. I can comment on the reality of the situation. When she worries about college, I say, "Well, the therapist told him he was stingy because he was a doctor driving a Pinto, but maybe he'll come through with some money for you."
Accept Where You Are Now
After a divorce, the lives of both parents change drastically. Commonly, fathers have a terrible time with their feelings of loneliness and abandonment and women have a terrible time economically. In the first year after divorce in the United States, the income of men goes up 43 percent and the income of women goes down 73 percent.
3
You might pause for a moment and list the consequences of divorce that have been the most difficult for you to accept. Loneliness? Stress? Anger? What things have happened that have surprised you? Perhaps your ex-spouse moved to another state unexpectedly. Perhaps your kids don't want to come and stay at your apartment
 
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on Friday nights. Perhaps you're so filled with abandonment you don't want to even think about dating.
I assume you're going to go to therapy if you are overwhelmed by feelings of despair and loss. In addition to counseling, there are some creative ways to deal with where you are now.
·
Accept the loss of your family being together all in one place.
Draw a picture or a map of where you are and where your kids are and then draw a circle around all of you to connect you in your new living spaces. Use geography to imagine a continuing relationship.
·
Accept the failure of your marriage.
Even though therapists want us to say it's not a failure, it sure as hell feels like a failure.
It's okay to fail.
·
Accept that holidays are changed forever.
You and your kids won't have the same kind of gatherings for birthdays and religious events. Those days are gone. Make some plans for new celebrations.
·
Accept your feelings of abandonment and practice letting them go.
Accept that you feel deprived and abandoned after divorce. If you are feeling poor and deprived and abandoned, make up a motto right now about you as a parent: "My kids are thriving on my love and potato soup." If you are a noncustodial parent and feel left out and abandoned and deprived, make up a motto for
 
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yourself now: "I give my child loving attention through regular visits, phone calls, and notes."
·
Accept the change in your income level.
If it's down, figure out what you can do to accommodate this change. If you are the custodial parent, you probably won't be able to look after the kids and support them financially the way you want them to be supported. Given this situation, you will have to work on accepting the fact that your income is probably lower than you want it to be. You can consider changing your work to bring in more income. You can look for services that will help you with your kids. If you are a woman, you can be accepting of your situation and work as an activist for groups that are trying to get more support and medical benefits for single mothers and children. Acceptance simply means
start where you are.
More on Money
Facing the lack of money causes terrible upheavals both in your lifestyle and your emotional life. There are actions you can take, even in the midst of being overwhelmed. You can ask for a friend to sit with you and talk over choices. You can look at your situation in terms of short-term and long-term choices.

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