A Small Town Dream (11 page)

She kissed his hand, then let go. He looked down and shook his head. “What?” she prompted. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” He got walked a few feet away from the tree then stood as if looking into the future. A future, she now knew, he desperately wanted to share with her.

“I don’t believe you, Anne,” he said, still facing away. “You want more than…
this
. I know it.” He suddenly stood taller, and when he turned back, she saw his eyes were on fire. “You read the book, Anne, and it hit you, just like it hit me. You
do
want out. You
do
want to feel something, and it’s more than you’ll ever find here. You
want
to go with me. You can’t admit it, but I know it. I just—” He shook his fist at the sky. “Goddammit, Anne! Why can’t you let
go
? Say
yes
, and go. With
me
!” He stared her down. She backed away, shaking her head, then turned her head and sighed. Of all people, how could he not understand?

Parker was just the same as Connie, just the same as everyone else who thought that life could not possibly begin until they were out of town. As quickly as it came, her love for him slipped away, and that was it. No more struggle, no more pull. She saw him at a distance now, like she saw so many of her friends, saving the best of themselves for when they left for what they considered a better time in a different place. Ironically, though, she wasn’t sad. She’d grown used to disappointment.

“It’s not that I
can’t
say yes, Parker. I don’t
want
to say yes.” She took a step back toward her house. “I’m going in now. You need to go talk to Connie, and we—you and I—we’re not going to talk about this, not ever again. I mean it.” With that she turned to go. As she reached the steps, she heard his shoes crunch on the gravel, then his car door open. Her hand was on the screen door when she heard his car door slam.
Parker doesn’t slam doors
. She turned as he started the engine, revved it, then reversed into the street, spewing gravel from her driveway.

She watched in disbelief as he slammed the car into gear, then peeled out, leaving skid marks. He ignored the stop sign at the corner, flying through a left turn. She heard him gun the engine, then squeal through another turn. Finally, the sounds faded away.

Annie shook her head to clear it, and then realized that, in spite of his suddenly brash behavior, she was free. All the tension, the strangeness, the fear and guilt and worry, drained from her body. She was finally
done
. She felt like she’d been lost, but now was back on course. He was gone, and wouldn’t be back, and she chuckled, thinking of the book.

All she needed to be happy was her little town. All Parker needed was a car and a road, and he had both. Everything would be fine.

That is, until it was not.

Annie’s new nightmare began when she walked into the cafeteria the next morning. The girls all stared at her when she sat down at the table. When she said
hello
, they nodded, or shrugged, or both, but no one spoke. It was as if she were a stranger. Connie wasn’t there, and when Annie asked about her, Ellen said sarcastically,
“Did you
really
expect Connie to be here?” Annie just looked at her.

“El, what’s going on?”

“You tell
us
, Annie. What
is
going on?” Annie was floored. She looked around for a clue, but the rest of the girls gathered their things, leaving Ellen and Annie alone.

“Ellen,
please
, why is everyone so angry?” Ellen searched for something in Annie’s face. Apparently finding it, she sat back in her chair.

“You’re not joking, are you?”

“Joking about what?”

“You really don’t know, do you?”

“Ellen—”

Ellen leaned closer. “Parker broke up with Connie, and he said it was because he was in love with
you
.” Annie’s stomach twisted into a knot. “Did you know he was going to do that?” Annie helplessly shook her head. Ellen reached for her hand. “I didn’t think so.”

“Then why didn’t you…?” She trailed off when she saw tears in Ellen’s eyes.

“Defend you?” Annie nodded. “I don’t know, Annie. Connie was pretty convincing, so we all thought—I’m so ashamed—we thought you and Parker were having a secret affair.” Ellen began to cry. Annie reflexively put a hand on Ellen’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “I am
so
sorry, Annie.”
This is getting way out of control,
Annie thought. This all needs to stop, to just…
go away
.

“It’s okay.” Annie hugged Ellen. “I’m sure it’s... Parker’s nervous about his future and... I don’t know what’s going on with him, Ellen. I really don’t.” Just then, Connie appeared.

She sat down and carefully folded her hands in front of her on the table. She didn’t look at either of them, just stared with a flushed, tear-stained face at her knuckles as they slowly turned white.

“Connie,” Annie asked cautiously, “are you okay?” Connie gave her a sickly thread of a smile.

“I don’t know, Annie.
Am
I okay?”

“I don’t—” Ellen stopped Annie with a hand on her arm. The silence grew thick.

“So, Parker broke up with
me
because he’s in love with
you
,” Connie said finally. “I didn't see that coming but, maybe I’ve just been ignoring the signs.”

“What signs?” Annie asked. Connie laughed. Ellen pulled her hand away.

“Oh, I don’t know, the two of you spending all your time talking about that stupid fucking
book?!
” She pounded a fist on the table, startling the room. Annie flinched, just as Connie wanted. “Hugging in the hallway. Doing God knows what, God knows where.” Connie glared at the curious faces. Annie expected more, but Connie took a deep breath, pulled herself together then hissed. “So, tell me,
Annie
, my
best friend
, are you in love with my
boyfriend
?”

Not anymore
. But Annie didn’t think Connie would believe her, so she said nothing. Connie fidgeted with a sugar packet.

“Answer me, Annie,” Connie said, still looking down.

“No, I’m not in love with your boyfriend.” It was the truth, at least as far as Annie was concerned. She wasn’t in love with Parker. As for Parker still being Connie’s boyfriend, Connie didn’t need to know everything Parker had said. “Connie, look at me. I am
not
in love with Parker.” Connie looked at Ellen.

“Do you believe her?” Connie asked. Ellen nodded.

“C'mon, Connie,” Ellen said. “You know Annie’s brutally honest. She’d never do anything to hurt you.” Connie continued fiddling with the sugar packet. Suddenly, she threw it across the room.

“
Fuck it!
” she shouted and faces turned again. “Oh, shut up and go get cable,” she said to the room. Annie and Ellen giggled. Connie joined in, but once the prying eyes turned back to their lunches and last-ditch attempts to finish homework, Connie started to cry again. Annie hesitated, then came around the table to hug her. It felt false, but Connie was still her friend, and she was hurting. “Why is he
doing
this?” she sobbed, holding tight to Annie. “I thought we... Everything was so wonderful.”

“I don’t know.” Annie rubbed Connie’s back with one hand. “He’s just... He’s worried and scared.”

“She’s right, Con,” Ellen said. “Parker’s under a ton of pressure, you know that.” Connie wiped her nose on her sleeve, looking to Annie for assurance.

“He just needs support and understanding right now.” Connie snuffled, a sob catching in her throat. Annie couldn’t stand to see her friend suffer. “Listen, honey, do you want me to talk to him?”

“Would you?” Connie pleaded. “I think he’d listen to you.” Annie smiled.

“I’d be happy to.”

Connie flung herself into Annie’s arms, sobbing again.
She’s so trusting
, Annie thought.
She has no idea
.

Annie felt sick again, but she would talk to Parker, get them back together, and then lay low. There were only three months left until graduation. Then Annie would hide in her room all summer, if that’s what it took to put this all behind them.

“I’ll talk to him right after school,” Annie said. “We have a student government meeting, but it’s just a formality. It’ll be OK.” She rocked Connie for a few moments. Then the bell rang, and the three girls gathered their things and walked slowly to class.

***

Annie’s hand connecting with Parker’s face echoed like a shock wave through the empty hall. The force of it spun him around. When he turned back, she could clearly see her handprint.

“Jesus, Anne, what the fuck?! What was
that
for?”

“You know what it’s for. You told Connie you were in love with
me
!” He looked confused, his face still stinging from the slap. “
Answer
me, Parker or so help me, I will slap your face right off your stupid head.” He held up his hands in defense and took a step back.

“OK, OK, yes, I told Connie I was in love with you.”

“Why
ever
would you do something that
selfish
, you miserable—?” She stopped herself.

“Because it’s
true
, Anne,” he fumbled. “I told
you
I’m in love with you, and
you
said you loved
me
.”

“
Loved
, Parker, and I
also
said—”

“I don’t fucking care!” he shouted, catching her off guard. “You love me, and you
want
to go with me. You’re just afraid to admit it because of Connie. Well, Connie’s out of the picture now, so you can be with me.
That’s
why I told her.”

He stepped back, anticipating another slap, but Annie just shook her head, then collapsed into a chair. He stepped toward her, but she held up a hand, stopping him. She sat for a long time, her face in her hands, her mind racing.
How can I make this right? How can I fix—?
Suddenly, she looked up at him.

“You know what?
I
don’t need to fix this. It’s not
my
problem. I told you last night, but just like everybody else, you don’t think you have to listen to me. I don’t
love
you. I don’t want to go
anywhere
with you, and right this minute, I don’t even
like
you.”

“Annie—”

“You shut up and listen for once in your life. I’ve said for years and years that I’m happy here.
This
is where I’ll stay, and no one is going to make me change my mind, let alone you. Just because that doesn’t suit
your
plans, or solve Connie’s desperate need to get away, doesn’t make it my problem to fix. I am
not
leaving, and I do
not
love you, and that’s it. Now—”

“But I thought—”

“Never mind what you thought. You need to make a choice. You can choose to
really
hear me this time, go apologize to Connie, tell her you’re all stressed out, or whatever lame thing you want to say, and then suck it up. For three months. That’s all. Either do that or... I don’t
know
what
or
is. I suppose you could live in your little fantasy, and make everybody miserable until you haul your selfish…
ass
…out of town. You think you’ll leave us all devastated and sad when you go? Not me. You can’t do a thing to me anymore, because I do
not
love you, and I’m
never
going
anywhere
with you. So it’s your choice, Parker Levitt. But it’s not my problem.” She stood with hands on hips, waiting. He looked at her for a moment, then something changed in his eyes. He straightened, then combed his hair back with his fingers.