A Small Town Dream (6 page)

She hesitated.
This is wrong
, she thought. But she didn’t want to be rude, so she held out her hand. The touch of his fingers against her sent more sparks through her, and at the same moment, her world stopped, just like when she’d read the beginning of the book. What
is
this? She still hadn’t figured out why she’d had all those
moments
in the first place. But whatever it was, it was exciting, and intriguing, this time, when the electricity sparked between their hands, she didn’t let go.

Parker didn’t say anything or try to pull her close. He just held her hand and smoked the cigarette. She watched the smoke fingers rise against the trees, lost in her thoughts—that weren’t really thoughts at all—just a peaceful, comfortable feeling. She had begun to think of the song with those lyrics when Parker quietly spoke.

“I don’t want to be a lawyer.” Annie shook her head. She’d been so caught up in the spell of the moment, she’d nearly forgotten he was there. “Annie?”

She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, Parker. You don’t want to…?”

“I don’t want to be a lawyer.” He turned his head to look at her. “Does that sound crazy to you?” His tone was earnest, but she didn’t know what to say. When she didn’t respond, he turned his head and looked back at the water. “It
is
crazy, isn’t it?” He took a last drag off the cigarette, then flicked it into the sand, seemingly disgusted with himself.

“No,” she said at last. “It doesn’t sound crazy at all.” He sighed, and she felt relief flood through his hand that still held tightly to hers.

“I don’t want to stay here, in this town,” he said, still looking at the water. “I know you don’t understand that part. I want to go to New York, maybe to Columbia, but not for law school. I want to read and to write and...to
live
. Moment to moment. Do you know what I mean?”

“No,” she whispered, “what do you mean?” He let go of her hand and stood.

“Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

He walked a ways into the trees, then returned with some branches. He set about building a fire. Annie watched, once again entranced. He worked efficiently, pushing aside the sand to make a pit, piling the branches and sprinkling a few dried pine needles for kindling. He lit the Zippo against his jeans, touched the flame just below the dry branches, then stood back. She watched the fire catch and grow. He adjusted a few of the branches, then sat down next to her and took her hand again. This time she didn’t hesitate.

“I saw myself, Anne,” he said.
How wonderful that he calls me Anne
, she thought.
He truly takes me seriously
. Everybody else called her
Annie,
and that was sweet, but Parker…

“I saw myself in New York, Anne, working at my uncle’s law firm, coming home to Connie, and it was...” His chin dropped to his chest.

“What, Parker?” It was
what
?”

“It was
fine
. It was stable and good, I guess, but it wasn’t enough. There wasn’t any risk. It wasn’t living in the moment. It felt like I’d be living someone else’s life, something they’d planned out and planted me into. Doing what was
expected
of me, not what I wanted. It felt hollow, and distant, like I was trapped in some boring TV movie about a
nice
guy.” He shook another cigarette from the pack, went through the routine of lighting it, then exhaled the smoke through his nostrils.

You don’t look like such a nice guy anymore, either
, Annie thought.
You look like a bad boy
. And deep inside, she thoroughly loved it.

“What?” he asked quietly, as if sensing her thought. “Did you say something, Anne?”

She shook her head, just squeezed his hand. A breeze whispered through the trees around them. Finally, she spoke in a matching whisper.

“What
do
you want, Parker?” She braced for his answer. What if he said,
I want you, Anne?
She bit her lip, realizing she wanted him as well. But could she steal her best friend’s man? Be
that
kind of girl
? Or would she be able to deny him? Then it hit her.

What if he
didn’t
say he wanted her? She held her breath, her palm growing sweaty in his.

“I don’t know, Anne. I know what I want right now, at this moment, but I don’t know what I want in the big picture.”

“What do you…?” She cleared her throat and swallowed, afraid to ask. Afraid to find out. Finally, “What
do
you want, Parker? In this moment?” He answered while still looking at the water.

“I want to kiss you. When you told me you read the book in one night, Anne, I was so happy. Part of me already knew you’d love it, but to hear you say it...” He rose to put a few more branches on the fire, and then stood opposite her. Annie watched him in the fire’s glow. He really was
very
handsome.

“I’ve always liked you,” he continued. “When Connie introduced us, naturally… Well, in a little town, everybody knows everybody else, but I didn’t know you. When we finally met, I liked you. As a person. And I loved the way you thought, and how you treated people. I thought you were a good person. But after New York, when things started to change, when I started questioning law school and life, and…
Connie
…I knew somehow I could talk to you. When I finished the book, you’re the first person I thought of. Then recently, I realized I think about you…a lot.” He knelt down and poked the fire with a stick. Annie stood, walked to his side, and put her hand on his shoulder.

She took a moment more to gather her courage, and then said, “Just once, Parker. Just this once, tonight, and never again, because Connie’s my friend and I love her, and I care about her happiness, and...”
And this is wrong
, she thought,
so very, very wrong, but just this once
…

“Just this once, yes, I think you should kiss me.”

She had never really been kissed, only pecks on the cheek and congratulations kisses. A few dates had ended awkwardly, but a
real
kiss? Never. She always wondered why not, because others told her she was sweet, and she didn’t hate what she saw in the mirror. But romance had always eluded her. So she’d assumed she wasn’t ready. When the time is right, and it felt right, she’d kiss someone.
And make love with him
, that place deep inside her said.

It also said, n
ow, Anne, now it’s
time
.

He turned to her. She took a deep breath. “Parker,
I’ve never—”

“I know. Connie...well, she told me.”

“Oh.” Her cheeks burned. She looked away.

“Don’t,” he said, putting his hand on her cheek to turn her face toward his. They held that moment, eyes locked, faces so close, she could smell the nicotine on his breath. It was intoxicating.

“Don’t worry, Anne. I think it’s... I think you are…”

Then he closed the gap and pressed his lips to hers. She felt the same spark as when he’d touched her hand, but stronger. He parted his lips, and she followed his lead. The tip of his tongue touched hers, and she trembled.
This was
so
worth the wait
, and with that thought, she gave herself over completely.

He pulled her into his arms. She wrapped hers around his shoulders, their bodies pressed close and tight. Their tongues danced. Annie let the warmth of the fire, and the heat of his kiss, envelop her. She held him tighter, and he pulled her even closer. She wanted this to last forever. She would have let him take her right there. To be naked with him, in body and spirit, and completely, utterly connected.

I think I’m falling in love with Parker Levitt
. When that thought broke through, she broke the kiss and leaned back, though still in his arms, still with hers around his shoulders.

“Ok, Parker,” she said, dropped her arms. He let her go. “Never again.” He stepped back but only an inch or so. “I mean it, Parker. You have Connie, and you’ll be leaving, and taking her with you, and you… You love her, so we can’t.”

“I know,” he said in a monotone, “but I can’t give her what she wants. I need something different.”

When did he start talking like this
, Annie wondered. When did he begin to be dissatisfied with the future? When did he… When did
we
start growing up?

She suddenly wanted to be back in grade school with Connie and Ellen and all the others, back when the future was no farther away than summer break. Back before the worries, and the wanting to escape. Back when it was
simple
. That’s what she loved the most about her little town and her sweet life – they were
simple
. Now though, both were quickly becoming
very
complicated.

Step took a step farther back. “I don’t need anything different, Parker. I like my life.” He moved to kiss her again, but she stopped him with a hand on his cheek. “
No
, Parker, I said only once and I meant it.”

“Didn’t you like—?”

“I
loved
it. It a perfect first kiss. I couldn’t ask for more.”

He hung his head a bit, but she took his hand and pulled him back to sit on the log. He lit one more cigarette, and they watched the moon dance on the water awhile. Then he doused the fire. They walked to his car in silence.

She stepped out of his car when they stopped at her house, and then leaned into the open window.

“I don’t want to be mean, Parker, but we can’t ever do this again. Not that I wouldn’t love to. But there’s Connie, and school and life, and you need to work things out with her, be honest about what you need to be happy. Maybe she’ll be hurt, but then you’ll be gone, and she’ll be fine. She’ll find somebody else, and you will, too. But it can’t be me.
We
can’t. Do you understand?”

He took it all in, looking at her with those sad eyes, and her heart ached. She wanted him to smile. She
wanted
him to kiss her again. And never stop.

“I know, Anne. You’re a good person.” He smiled faintly. She stepped back from the car. She watched him drive slowly away until his taillights vanished into the night. Then she sat down on the porch and cried.

She didn’t know if she was crying because of the betrayal, or because she let Parker go. She was so conflicted, she felt sick. But
that kiss
. It came rushing back into her memory, and she instantly wanted it again.

“I’m
not
a good person,” she said to the darkness. She held her head in her hands, hoping for an answer, but none came.

She was all alone.

“Did you talk to Parker?” Annie was alone in the library. Suddenly Connie was there, grilling Annie. “Did he say anything to you?”

Thank god he was telling the truth
, Annie thought. She’d been so worried Parker had come to see her on his own.

Connie fumbled to sit, her backpack and purse falling to the floor. A boy at the next table looked up and shushed her. “Oh, shush yourself, geek,” Connie snapped. He blushed and sank deeper into his reading.

Annie closed her book, shoved it into her pack, grabbed the rest of her things, then tugged on Connie’s arm. “What are we doing, Annie?” In answer, Annie snatched up Connie’s bags and dragged Connie out of the library.

“We’re avoiding detention,” Annie hissed, once they were in the hall. Annie continued tugging Connie along until they were in the courtyard, then sat her down on a bench.