A Small Town Dream (9 page)

“Well, just between us
friends
,” she emphasized, “it’s my first time. I like it but, you know, don’t worry about me, I won’t become a
junky
.” That cracked her up, and Parker laughed, but not in a particularly pleasant way. Annie took a step away, then, because his body blocked the chilly wind, she turned back to enjoy the magical moon. Parker stood looking at her.

“I’ve missed you, Annie,” he said, taking half a step closer. She spun to face him. The relaxed feeling began to dissipate.

“
Really
?” she glared at him. “I find that surprising, considering you and Connie seem fine now, what with the
Kama Sutra
and all—” In spite of herself, the image made her chuckle. He did not. “I’m sorry, or was I not supposed to know that you and Connie…
fuck
a lot?” She couldn’t believe the word came out of her mouth. Parker narrowed his eyes. Annie suddenly felt threatened, so she apologized. “I’m a little…not myself, I guess, but that’s not an excuse to be rude. I’m sorry. Really.”

“It’s okay. Connie likes to talk. It’s true. We have a lot of sex these days, and things are...
fine
.” He smiled, suddenly soft again. His face made her heart ache. He
was
different somehow. But in the next moment, she was afraid that he had given up the passion he had so recently discovered. She didn’t like the idea of Parker being...
ordinary
.

“But you don’t want
fine
,” she said, pointing an accusing finger. “You want adventure and...
howling
and... you want... I don’t know what you want, Parker, but I know you don’t want
fine
.” He took a step back.

“Wow, you
are
stoned.” She ignored him.

“Parker Levitt, don’t lie to me. You do
not
want
fine
.” She expected him to say something, but he just stood, his hands in his pockets. “Come on, Parker,” she pressed, “are you telling me that you’ve changed
again
? Given up your
lust for life
, stopped wanting to live
moment to moment
? Have you stopped
being in love with
me
?” Her hand flew to her mouth too late. Her words hung in the air between them. She tried to backpedal. “I didn’t... I’m sorry Parker, I’m just—”

He pulled her to him abruptly and kissed her, and she kissed him back, her head spinning. Nicotine, pot, and…
Parker
. At last he broke the kiss.

“I can’t stop being in love with you, Anne.” She let him kiss her again, and couldn’t hold herself back. It felt so
good
, so
right
, holding and kissing Parker Levitt.

Finally, they stopped to catch their breath. She took a tissue from her purse and wiped her lipstick off his mouth. He caught her hand and kissed it. “I
do
love you,” he said. She stroked his hair.

“I love you too, Parker.” There. She said it, but immediately followed with, “But
nothing
has changed. We still have to think about Connie.” She composed herself and took a step away. “And seriously, it looks like you two are doing great. An entire week in bed?” He turned away.
Why am I so mean to him?
Was she that jealous?

“Don’t be nasty, Anne, it doesn’t suit you.” She was stung. “I have to go back inside—”

“By all means,” she snapped. “Connie will wonder what you’re up to. Who knows, maybe she’ll give you a blowjob in the bathroom. Maybe you can do her on a bench in the locker room.” Parker grabbed her by the shoulders and hissed in her ear.

“Is that what
you
want…
Annie
?” he said caustically, purposely degrading her with the nickname. “Do
you
want to give me a blowjob in the bathroom? Do
you
want me to do
you
in the locker room? Pull up your pretty little dress and
fuck you
?” Her lip trembled, and her face went white. He shook her. “
Is
that what you want?”

“Yes,” she said, unconsciously licking her lips. He abruptly let her go and stepped back. She closed the gap. “Yes, Parker,” she whispered, “I want that. With you.”

There it was again, even more of the truth spilled onto the concrete between them, the moon their only witness. Both were surprised. She reached to touch his face, but he gently caught her wrist.

“I can’t, Annie. I’ve tried so hard to... I just can’t…
Anne
.” He hesitated, then let go, turned away and went back inside. She waited a beat, then followed him.

She watched him move through the crowd to find Connie. She watched as he whispered in her ear. She watched Connie’s eyes grow wide. She watched Connie take his hand. Watched him lead her purposefully through the crowd. Watched them pass by, barely a foot away. Parker determinedly ignored her. Connie saw her and winked.

She followed at a distance. In the hall, he pushed Connie against the wall and kissed her. He took her into the boys’ bathroom. The door shut slowly behind them. She stood shivering in the hall, her mind racing, her heart pounding.

She waited. And waited. Finally, she went back into the gym and tried to lose herself dancing, but still kept an eye on the door. After what felt like hours, Connie and Parker returned, holding hands, smiling. Connie went to the punch bowl as Parker scanned the crowd. He caught Annie’s eye. She stopped, stood dead still in the middle of the dance floor and looked back. Then she clapped, applauding him, slowly and sarcastically.

She watched his face flush with shame. He turned away. She waited a moment, then walked out of the school into the moonlight, and across the field toward home. She stopped when she heard the countdown, then the cheer at midnight. She laughed, then looked up.

“Happy New Year,” she said to the moon, and then continued home.

Not one tear.

More than a million regrets.

“Did you really get stoned with Paul Jenks at the New Year’s dance?” Connie whispered. She and Annie had been corralled into serving at the monthly Chamber of Commerce pancake breakfast.

“I don’t know,” Annie said, feeling none too social. “Did you really give Parker Levitt a blowjob in the boy’s bathroom at the New Year’s dance?”

Connie gasped, then blushing violently, looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Annie!” she hissed. “Are you trying to get me in trouble?”

Annie looked around as well, but there was no one paying attention. “Sorry,” she said and layered three pancakes on an elderly woman’s plate.

“What dear?” the woman said, cupping her ear. Annie gave Connie a look.
See?

“Nothing, ma’am. Enjoy your breakfast.” The woman thanked Annie and moved on. She turned back to Connie.

“I was just kidding. But for the record, yes, I got a little stoned with Paul.” Connie’s mouth dropped open, then she laughed.

“Good for you, you rebel you!” Connie hugged her. “And,
for the record
, yes, I
did
give Parker Levitt a blowjob in the boy’s bathroom.” Annie laughed, but it was joyless, a cover to keep her from dissolving into tears and shoving a pancake in Connie’s face.

Connie heard only the laughter. “I’m jealous of you, Annie.” That struck Annie as insane beyond belief, making her laugh even harder.

“
Giiirls
?”

Mrs. Caughtry, the doughy-faced chairwoman of the Chamber of Commerce, moved haltingly passed the counter. “It’s nice to have fun and all but, remember. Pancakes for charity, pancakes for charity. Let nothing cloud your purpose.” She slouched away even as the ridiculousness of her comment revived both girls’ giggling in earnest.

Still, Annie felt terrible. She felt that way quite a bit lately around Connie. Well, around Connie and
Parker
. She and Parker made a good couple, and all couples had good and bad times. Annie had no right, or reason, for that matter, to be upset. So what if Connie
did
do Parker in the boy’s bathroom? Wouldn’t she, if she were in Connie’s shoes?

Maybe. She wasn’t sure. Never mind she had no idea
how
to give a blowjob. She didn’t know if she could be that kind of girl.
That kind of girl?

“This is ridiculous,” Annie said to herself. She had no business judging Connie Baker. They were
very
much alike, in very
many
ways, so if Connie was
that kind of girl
, then on some level, Annie was, too. She was having a sort-of affair with Parker behind Connie’s back. Had she ever thought herself capable of such a thing? It was all too confusing.

Annie wished the school year would just end. She wished Parker and Connie would just
leave
, just leave
her
alone in
her
happy town and just...

“Just
leave
,” Annie finished her thought aloud. Connie froze, then looked at her. Annie realized her inner voice had become part of the real world. Thinking quickly, without thinking, she smeared a dollop of pancake batter on Connie’s nose and laughed. “You have to
leave
, Connie, or you’ll get us both in trouble.” The ploy worked. Connie laughed.

“You’re right,” she said, “because we must ‘let nothing cloud our purpose.’ We might get syrup-ed and feathered.” Annie forced a laugh, relieved she was able to cover so well. Connie smiled and moved away to start clearing tables.

“I’ll catch up with you after, Annie. I want to know all about getting stoned and...” she looked around, “I’ll give you the gory details about the boy’s room.”

“Great,” Annie called after her, then said to herself, “that’s all I need, details about you and Parker.”

She poured a ladleful of batter on the griddle, watched for tiny bubbles, then flipped the pancake. She admired its perfect, golden color and smiled to herself.
Here
was comfort.

Annie looked up from the grill onto the crowded gymnasium floor. A few nights ago it was filled with kids dancing, making out, and just being kids. Now it was filled with tables full of families, eating pancakes, laughing and enjoying life.

Annie looked back down at the griddle and flipped another perfect pancake onto a plate. She smiled as she handed it to a little girl in a pretty pink dress.

“Thank you,” the girl said, after a bit of prompting from her mother.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” Annie said, then looked to the child’s mother. “She’s very sweet, very polite.” The woman thanked her and moved on.

Annie watched them find a table, and then poured more batter on the griddle, and thought about her future.
She
would have children someday.
She
would make perfect pancakes for
them
on Sunday morning after church.
She
would have a husband, and a wonderful, wonderful life.

She looked up again, surveyed the room, and sighed. Life was good and was only going to get better. The problems between Parker and Connie were nothing compared to what was waiting ahead. So Annie smiled and laughed, at herself, all by herself. She let herself be silly, let herself get caught up in this soap opera-style romantic nightmare. She had the rest of senior year to focus on, then college, and then...who knows? But it’s all going to be good. Very, very good.

She looked across the room to see Connie, walking slowly beside Mrs. Caughtry, being lectured about one miniscule thing or the other. Connie caught Annie’s look. Annie waved with the spatula. Connie mimed cutting her throat, and Annie laughed.