A Time for Peace (17 page)

"
Mamm,
look! They have macaroni and cheese pizza!" Annie exclaimed.

Jenny turned away from talking with Joy to study Annie's plate. "I see."

"Can you ask for the recipe so we can make it at home sometime?"

"I'll do that," Jenny promised with a smile.

"It's a gourmet delight," Joy said with a grin when Annie ran off to show her dad what she'd found.

"Imagine, it's the best possible pizza—two favorite foods on one pie!" Jenny shuddered at the thought. "Look at Joshua," she said. "That's his third serving."

Joy patted her arm. "Kids bounce back so quickly. We forget that sometimes."

"I know." She was silent for a time. "But I think I better tell him that's his last. It might be too much for him too quickly, you know?"

"You worry too much." But Joy smiled. "We mothers do, huh?" She stroked Emily's cheek. "Look at this. At home we tiptoe around so she can sleep and she's out like a light in the middle of mayhem."

Jenny walked over to Joshua sitting at a separate table with his sisters and Sam. The pizza place was a riot of light and noise from the many games and kids yelling and having fun with them. All the adults wore slightly pained expressions from the chaos.

And Joshua did, too.

"Hey, sweetheart, I think maybe that should be your last piece, don't you? I don't want you to have a tummy ache tonight."

"Okay."

"How about we get a pizza to go and put it in the refrigerator for later or for tomorrow?"

"That'd be good. Phoebe might want a piece, too."

Jenny didn't tell him she doubted that Phoebe would want pizza, not when it was too sweet that he remembered her. "Is your head hurting you?"

"Not much," he said.

But she could see the pain in his eyes. "Let's leave in a few minutes. Maybe we can come back sometime."

He brightened. "My birthday?"

She smiled. "Maybe."

Before she returned to the table where she'd sat with Joy, Jenny went to order a pizza to go—one half pepperoni, one half macaroni and cheese. That would please the adults and the kids.

She told Matthew what she did on her way back to sit with Joy. "This place can't be making any money off us tonight.They probably would have shut their doors if they knew the Bontrager kids were coming."

"Hey, they didn't eat any more than the other kids here tonight."

"I didn't see anyone else's kids go back for four servings."

Matthew considered that. "You're right. Leave some money in the tip jar."

David came to join them. "Had to stop playing Whack-AMole," he complained. "Your Annie says, 'it's mean to play a game where it's funny to hit a little animal.' "

Annie walked up. "
Mamm, Daed,
will you tell those boys over there that they shouldn't play that mean game?"

Jenny looked at Matthew. "Time to go."

Matthew held Jenny's hand as they went from bedroom to bedroom checking on their children. It was his favorite time of the day, when they were about to have their alone time.

Even though tension still stretched between them, he held onto the hope that tonight might be different.

A quick peek into Annie's room showed that she slept with her doll under her arm. Mary had to be told just a few more pages and it was bedtime. And Joshua was already asleep, one foot hanging free of the covers like always.

Jenny wanted to go tuck it back in. Matthew shook his head and pulled her along. "You know five minutes from now it'd be sticking out again. He's slept like that since he was a baby."

He wished he'd watched his tongue the minute he said that.
Baby.
He felt her instant withdrawal.

They undressed with their backs to each other. It was as if they had never been intimate as husband and wife. Jenny drew on a nightgown. Matthew pulled on pajamas. They climbed into bed, not touching, both staring at the ceiling lit by dim moonlight.

The space between them seemed huge.

He touched her hand lying on top of the covers and she stiffened so he withdrew it. Just when he decided to say something, Jenny turned on her side and he thought she was going to go to sleep. But he heard a slight noise and when he rolled over to face her back, he thought he saw it shaking.

"Jenny? What is it? Are you crying?" He reached for her and made her turn toward him. Her cheeks were wet with tears.

"I hate this distance between us," she whispered miserably.

"It doesn't have to be there. I told you why I—"

She shook her head. "If you loved me—"

"I did! I do! Don't you see? It's because I loved you that I let you go. You don't understand me
or
the Amish if you don't understand that it's not about what we want. I had to respect your father's wishes."

"And don't you understand that I had the right to know, the right to decide? I wasn't eight. I was eighteen."

He watched her sit up, then swing her legs to get out of bed."Don't go. Please."

She sat with her back to him and he waited. Then, just when he thought she'd get up, she turned.

"How do we get past what happened?" she whispered."How?"

"I can't undo it. Either you accept it and we move on or it'll end up destroying what we have
now,
Jenny. Do you want that?"

"Of course not."

"And there's something you're not considering, either. I don't believe that it was just your grandmother and your father and me, Jenny. I don't think we were supposed to be together then."

"How can you say that?" she demanded, her voice rising."We loved each other!"

He took her hand. "I don't think we were supposed to be together yet, Jenny. I don't know why, but I think we were supposed to come together later. No, think about it," he said when she opened her mouth to protest. "Because if we were, nothing could have stopped us."

"So now I'm supposed to blame God?"

"Not blame Him. We're supposed to believe in His will, His time."

She flopped back against her pillow and appeared to think about that. "I spent enough time not being happy with Him when I was hurt overseas," she said. "I think He heard enough about that. And lately . . ."

He leaned over. "Lately what?"

"Lately I've been talking to Him about how I want a baby."

"I know you want one, Jenny." His eyes gleamed in the moonlight and his mouth curved into a smile. "I'm ready to do everything I can to make that happen."

She punched his arm and grinned when he yelped in pain.It was worth it to see her smile. And when he draped his arm across her waist and she didn't stiffen, didn't move it, he felt hope rise inside him.

She yawned. "Why is it we have some prayers answered and others not?" she asked him drowsily.

"I don't know. Only He knows. We have to trust Him."

"I know. I really do. It's just hard sometimes."

He watched her eyelids drifting shut. "So tired," she whispered.

"It's been a long day."

"And a long one before it. So stressed."

Her words were coming slower, softer. He wondered if she had fallen asleep.

"Matthew?"

"Yes, love."

"Maybe we should adopt."

Surprised, he stared at her. "Adopt?"

She opened her eyes. "Yes. You and I talked about it last year and said we'd think about it. Well, I don't want to think about it. I don't want to wait any longer. I don't want to go on being unhappy every month when I'm not pregnant."

She turned her head on the pillow. "I think we need to face the fact that I'm not going to get pregnant. I want us to have more children, Matthew. I want to adopt."

"Adopt," he repeated.

"Maybe that's what we're supposed to do. I keep thinking how Joy and David didn't need to. They'd had Sam and there wasn't any reason they couldn't conceive. But they gave a child who needed a home a chance. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do. Maybe that's what He wants."

"Then that's what we'll do. We'll adopt."

She lifted herself up on one elbow then and kissed him."Thank you."

He kissed her and his hand lingered on her cheek. "Jenny?"

"Hmm?" Then she clapped her hand over her mouth as she yawned. "Sorry. So tired."

He moved his arm in open invitation for her to put her head on his shoulder and sighed when she did.

"What were you going to say?"

He heard the exhaustion in her voice and shook his head."Nothing."

As he listened to her breathing slow and become even, as he savored the closeness, even though she slept, he thought about how he'd wanted to ask, "That doesn't mean we can't keep trying though, does it?"

"What would you like for breakfast?" Jenny asked.

Joshua shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"Is your head still hurting?"

"A little. It's okay."

"Want some oatmeal?" Annie asked him.

Jenny watched him shake his head and then wince. She walked over to the cupboard and took out the bottle of pain medication. Handing him a pill, she pushed his glass of milk toward him and when he reached for it she noticed that his hand missed it the first time.

She glanced at Matthew and he nodded, showing he understood her concern. Their son wouldn't admit it but he'd obviously just had another episode of double vision. The doctor had warned them about this and said they were to keep him calm and at home until it went away.

"Are you going to
schul
today?" Mary asked him.

"Sure," he said but Jenny shook her head.

"Sorry, sweetheart. You can't go yet."

"But I'm so tired of hanging around the house. It's been days and
days,"
he moaned.

Jenny glanced at the clock, gathered up the school lunches, and passed them to Mary and Annie. "Have a good day at school."

"We will," they chorused.

And then Annie turned to Joshua and hugged him. "We'll be home before you know it. If your head isn't hurting later, maybe we can play a game. Or I'll read one of my stories to you."

He smiled. "
Danki.
Do good on your spelling test."

"I will," she told him confidently.

They got goodbye kisses and hugs from their parents and then ran for the door.

Matthew stood and reached for his jacket. "I'm going out to the barn." He glanced at Jenny and she nodded.

"Can I—" Joshua started to ask but Matthew shook his head.

"It's too dangerous out there with your vision problem," he said. "Maybe tomorrow."

Jenny hurried after Matthew, catching him as he was about to step outside. She whispered to him, keeping her eyes on Joshua, and Matthew nodded.

Joshua went back to moping and couldn't be tempted with any of his breakfast favorites. Finally, Jenny plucked his jacket from the hook on the wall and handed it to him.

"I thought I couldn't go out to the barn."

"You can't. Here." She plucked an apple from the bowl of fruit in the center of the table and handed it to him.

"What's this for?"

"Breakfast. Go sit on the front porch. Maybe you'll get in a better mood."

"Sorry," he said, hanging his head.

"I understand," she told him. "But all the same, go outside and get some fresh air. Maybe it'll improve your mood." She took another apple from the bowl and handed it to him. "Take two."

He looked at her like she'd lost her mind—wow, he was already good at that and he wasn't yet a teenager, she thought— but he did as she asked and trudged off with his shoulders slumped. She heard the front door open and then shut and smiled.

Then she walked to the door and peeked out through the curtain. Joshua was sitting in a chair, his head propped in his hand, and looked the picture of misery. He was so into his pity party that he didn't hear Pilot approaching. The horse leaned his head in over the porch railing and nudged the boy's shoulder.

Joshua turned and cried, "Pilot!"

Jenny watched the two embrace for a long moment and then Pilot nudged Joshua's hand for the apple. Joshua fed it to him happily.

There were footsteps behind her. Jenny turned to see Matthew had come into the room. He looked over her shoulder at the scene on the porch.