But Ash didn’t listen, merely kissed down the curve of his back and continued to twist those taunting, wicked fingers inside him, brushing his gland, once, twice, three times now, until Drew saw stars and he almost screamed from both the white-hot pleasure and frustration.
“Fuck me, goddamn it.”
Finally he heard the condom package rip, and within moments, the thick broad head of Ash’s erection was probing at his entrance. Not wanting to wait another minute, he pushed back, hissing as it breached his newly opened channel.
“Baby, are you all right?” Ash stopped moving, the concern in his voice evident.
“Yes, more, I want all of you.” He was gasping for air and pushed back even as Ash slid in with care. Drew had no idea why he was so turned on, but the feel of Ash’s cock was like a drug he’d been craving for hours. When Ash was finally seated firmly in place, his thick cock snug within Drew’s passage, Drew knew the meaning of coming home.
This was where he was meant to be, and no one would ever tell Drew otherwise. Ash moved then, sliding into him with long slow strokes, holding on to Drew’s hips as he thrust. “Ash, harder. I’m not gonna break.”
Ash leaned over him, biting his ear. “Okay, baby, you asked for it. I’m so crazy for you. I can’t believe you’re really here in my bed.” He thrust hard, kissing him down his back. Ash snapped his hips over and over, and Drew moaned, hardly able to control the passion surging through his body.
Ash’s strokes grew deeper, and once again, Drew experienced the pleasure-pain until, without even touching himself, he came harder than he ever had before, shooting creamy ribbons into Ash’s pristine sheets. Only the strength of Ash’s arms prevented him up from collapsing onto the bed, and he knew from the frantic lunges of his cock inside him that Ash was close.
“Baby, you’re incredible. So real, so fucking perfect. Oh God.” Ash let go, and Drew could feel him coming inside the condom, pulsing and twitching as he emptied himself out. Ash’s body shuddered, and he draped over Drew, completely spent. Drew loved the feeling of Ash’s strong, heavy body on top of him. To him it was a sign of Ash’s trust, knowing he could give himself so completely and relax.
Ash lay on his back and pulled Drew on top of him. When he met Ash’s eyes, Drew almost lost his breath at the emotion he saw shimmering in their depths. “What is it? You look almost sad, while I feel incredible.” He laid his head down in that sweet space where Ash’s neck met his shoulder, and as Drew had hoped, Ash’s arm came around him to hold him even tighter.
They lay together, holding one another as their breathing steadied and the world refocused on its axis. Drew reveled in the soreness of his newly opened body. It proved he was alive, living how he wanted to for once. He burrowed into Ash’s arms, comforted by their strength.
The rumble of Ash’s deep voice broke the quiet. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you. You’re everything good in this world, and when I’m with you, the pain gets pushed to the side. But when I’m alone, all I can think of is how I failed everyone.”
“Who, you mean Luke and Brandon?” Drew asked.
“Yes. They must hate me. That’s why they never tried to find me.”
In that unconscious move Drew had come to know so well, Ash rubbed the numerous scars that ran up and down his arms. Fortunately there didn’t seem to be any fresh cuts. “Hey, look at me.” Drew tangled his fingers in Ash’s hair, forcing Ash to meet his gaze. “Why do you still do it? Hurt yourself, I mean?”
“To remind me how I’ve failed everyone. And to tell myself I control what I do with my body, and no one else will ever touch me again unless I want them to.” His voice sounded curiously dead and flat, but younger and so very vulnerable. “I’ve tried to put it all behind me, all the horror that lives inside me, but it’s like a leech sucking at me, and it won’t let go. I thought that if I hurt myself, all my pain would fade away finally, but it didn’t work. The pain waits for me from when I wake up in the morning, and it’s still there when I close my eyes.”
Ash’s honesty seared him. Drew kissed his neck. “It’s all right to be afraid. Everyone is afraid.”
“I’m not afraid, Drew; I’m fucking scared to death.”
And there they were. Two lost souls bobbing around in the choppy waters of their lives, desperately holding on to keep afloat. Somehow they’d found each other, and tentatively they reached out to become the other’s shelter from the storm.
“Let me help you deal with it, Ash. Lean on me. Talk to me. I’m not running away.” Drew rubbed his cheek against Ash’s shoulder. No one would ever guess the power and confidence Ash projected was all a facade to cover up his fractured and broken mind and body. “I’m here for you; whatever it takes.”
“Why, Drew? Why me? I’m not sure I’m worth the effort.”
The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care
. Drew remembered that line from an Emily Dickinson poem he’d read in high school. He cared. Lying here with this man, listening to him open his heart, made him realize how much he cared for and wanted Asher Davis. He swept the hair off Ash’s brow and kissed him. “I think you might be worth everything to me.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ash breezed into his office, coffee cup in hand and a smile on his face. “Good morning, Laura. How are you today?” He stopped by her desk to pick up his messages.
“I’m well, Mr. Davis, thank you.” She gave him a once-over. “You’re looking happy.”
He stopped to think for a moment. He and Drew had spent almost every night together in the past week, having dinner after working at the clinic or relaxing at one of their apartments. Spending his nights buried inside of Drew, having his warm, lean body wrapped around him every night was becoming a highly addictive habit.
“I am, Laura. Very much so, as a matter of fact.” He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you for putting up with me all these years.”
He never thought he’d see Laura speechless, but he grinned at her obvious surprise. “Is something wrong? You look shocked.”
“Oh, nothing, Mr. Davis. It’s nice to see you happy; that’s all.”
He winked at her. “It’s nice to feel this way as well.”
He strode into his office and sat down at his desk. The first piece of mail he opened was a large envelope from the court. A huge grin broke over his face, and he immediately picked up the phone.
“Hello?” Though he’d only left him an hour ago, Drew’s sexy, sleep-roughened voice sent a pang of longing through Ash. He wanted to be back in bed, running his hands through Drew’s silky curls, kissing his soft pale skin.
“Hey, baby. Did I wake you, sleepyhead?”
“Yeah.” Ash could hear him stretching and yawning over the phone. “Some crazy sex maniac kept me up all night doing unspeakable things to me.”
“Oh really? Are you complaining?” Ash leaned back in his chair. The memory of Drew, naked and impaled on his cock, riding him into oblivion had him instantly hard and wanting.
“Yeah.” Drew dropped his voice low until it purred in his ear. “I’m here alone in my cold bed, and I miss him.”
“It sounds like you’re the sex maniac.” Ash laughed. “I called with some news.”
“Mmm? What is it?”
“I got the papers from the court. Your divorce is final, baby. You’re a free man at last.”
The silence at the other end of the phone surprised Ash. He’d thought Drew would be happy or at least say something.
“Drew, are you still there?”
“Yeah. It’s funny, you know. When you said it now, I have to admit, I’d almost forgotten what she looked like. I certainly don’t have any great memories of Jackie. But I married her. Shouldn’t I feel something—sadness, or a wish that things could’ve turned out differently?”
Unease gripped at Ash. Was Drew upset about their relationship? “Do you? Wish that you were still married to her, or with a woman, instead of being with me?” His heart thumped in his chest.
Drew’s answer came swift, with no hesitation. “No. I don’t want to be with her or any other woman. Or man, for that matter. I’m exactly where I want to be.” His whispered voice calmed Ash’s frenzied pulse. “I’ve never been happier in my life, thanks to you.”
Ash wished he could be there with Drew to hug him and thank him for everything he’d done. He remembered so well the first time he’d seen Drew across the conference table, so pale and sad, and compared him to the sweetly sleeping man he’d left all flushed and sated in his bed. “Who would’ve ever thought that day we first met, six months later we’d be together celebrating your divorce. Hey.” An idea popped into his head. “Let’s have people over to celebrate on Saturday night. Esther is well enough to come to you now, right?”
“Yes, and it’s not like I could keep her away. I think it’s great. I’ll call the guys and Rachel.”
“Do you think Jordan will come?” Ash kept his tone neutral even though Drew knew how angry he was at Jordan’s behavior. Jordan flat-out refused to accept them as a couple. Rachel had confided in them that he still believed Ash somehow coerced Drew into a sexual relationship. “He treats me like I’m a predator, you know.”
“If you don’t want me to ask him and Keith, I won’t.”
Even though he tried not to show it, Ash knew Drew was incredibly hurt over Jordan’s behavior. He’d even offered to cut ties with his childhood friend, but Ash wouldn’t let that happen. Because Drew’s greatest fear was losing the people closest to him, Ash made certain to try and never alienate Jordan, no matter how many times the man snubbed him. Ash’s only concern was for Drew.
But true to form, Drew’s thoughts centered not on himself but on Ash’s feelings. “I’ve told him I won’t put up with him treating you this way. Not when I care about you so much.”
“Give him time, baby. He’ll come around.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll call Keith and let him tell Jordan. If he doesn’t want to come, it’s his loss.” His flat tone couldn’t hide how deeply Jordan’s behavior wounded him.
“Okay, okay.” Ash tried to soothe him. The last thing he wanted was for Drew to be upset. “Let’s not dwell on it. I’ll take care of all the arrangements. All you need to do is show up and look gorgeous like you always do.”
“That’s my line. Do you know how lucky I feel to have you? I think about how empty my life was before you. I don’t know if you realize how much you mean to me, Ash.”
Ash swallowed the huge lump that suddenly lodged in his throat. “Oh, baby, you can’t imagine how knowing you has changed me.” He managed to choke out the words as a burning sensation stung his eyes. “I think you may have saved my life.” An overwhelming rush of emotion flooded through him like a cleansing bath. It had been weeks since he’d thought of hurting himself. The need for control didn’t drive his life anymore, not with Drew by his side.
At Drew’s urging, he’d begun seeing a therapist. Even though he’d only had one visit, Ash could tell the doctor would be able help him. They’d discussed his driving need to punish himself for what he believed was his selfish abandonment of his foster brothers. The doctor had told him to look deep within himself and question his supposed abandonment of Luke and Brandon. Late at night, alone in his apartment, Ash could finally admit he’d never really had a choice at all. He’d been driven to the point where had he stayed, he would’ve either killed Munson or himself. Though he chose to live, Ash continued to punish himself for that choice. Slow as his progress would be, he held out hope that eventually he might forgive himself.
“I have to go now, baby. I—” Ash stopped short. “Um, have a great day, and I’ll see you tonight.
He clicked off and cradled his head in his hands. Had he almost said the
L
word? It would’ve been so natural and easy. What would it feel like, to be able to come home every day to Drew and tell him
I love you?
Shaking his head, he picked up the phone again, this time to call Esther. He loved talking to Drew’s grandmother. She was the family he’d never had a chance to know.
He smiled as Esther picked up the phone, already talking. “Asher, sweetheart, I have that caller ID now. The kids insisted I get it after that little incident.”
He did love this woman and would kill anyone who tried to hurt her. “No further problems though, right?”
“No, none at all. Mrs. Delaney and I have had a very peaceful time of it here.”
“Good.” All of a sudden he was uncharacteristically nervous. What if Esther wasn’t as happy with Drew not being married as he thought she was? “Well, um, the reason I’m calling is that today I received Drew’s final divorce papers, and we thought a small family celebration was in order.” He licked his lips. “That is, if you’re fine with it.”
“You know, when he married that woman, I wasn’t happy. I knew it probably wouldn’t last because she obviously only wanted to be a doctor’s wife, not my grandson’s wife.”
Ash held his breath and listened.
“Of course no one wants to see their child divorced, but Drew is so much happier now than when he was dating or married.”
“He is?” Ash smiled to himself.
“I may be old, but I’m not blind. You’ve played a very big part in Drew’s recent happiness, I believe. Am I right?”
“We’ve become good friends, yes. Drew is a very special person.” He tried to keep his tone as noncommittal as possible, as he had no idea what she might think. Would she be all right with Drew in a relationship with him?
“How good a friend, may I ask?”
He’d argued cases before judges who’d sent grown men out of the courtroom in tears, yet he was more nervous answering Esther’s simple question. In his mind, he wanted Esther to know about his and Drew’s relationship, yet he thought it should be up to Drew to tell his grandmother about something so important.
“Esther, you’re fishing for information. Whatever you want to know, I think you should ask Drew. Now the reason I called is that Saturday night at Drew’s apartment, he’s having a small get-together to celebrate his divorce being final, and of course you’re the first one he wanted called.”
“Good. I’m so glad he can put that episode behind him and move on with his life, don’t you agree?”
Still fishing. The woman was relentless. “Yes, Esther. Rachel and Mike will pick you up Saturday night.”