It had been wrong to give in to his desire to sleep with Drew. The man knew too much about him. Drew had stripped back his layers, almost to the center core of who he was. The part of him he’d always kept hidden, for fear if anyone ever got to that point, they’d see what he truly was.
Nothing. A nobody.
A warm palm flattened against his back. Ash flinched and tried to pull away, but the other hand slipped around his waist. Drew leaned against Ash’s back and held him close, his cheek pressed into the muscles of his shoulders.
“I’m sorry. I was wrong for jumping to conclusions. I was so scared when I saw you holding the knife that all thoughts flew out of my head.” Drew’s soft, warm lips kissed his neck. “Forgive me.”
Ash turned and faced Drew. He stared back, his eyes so open and honest Ash couldn’t help but pull him close. “No, I’m sorry I yelled at you. You had every right to think something might happen, especially now that you know.”
Drew pulled away but held on to his wrist. Ash could feel his fingertips trailing over the old scars, even though the nerve endings had never fully recovered. “Will you tell me what happened?” Drew’s voice struggled to remain neutral, but the pain in his face was obvious. “Only if you want to, of course.”
Thoughts scurried through Ash’s mind like mice. What to say, what to hide? Then he remembered last night, watching Drew’s face under him as they made love. The trust he’d been given was a gift. He couldn’t lie to this man if his life depended on it.
“I made you coffee.” He handed Drew his cup. “Let’s go back to bed, and I’ll try to explain.” Glancing at the clock, he saw it was eight thirty. “We have time before we go to the hospital.”
Drew accepted his cup. “Thank you.” He gave him a small smile. “You’re coming with me?”
Ash got into bed and patted the place next to him. “Of course.” After Drew set his cup down and joined him, Ash put his arms around him and gulped a deep breath. “It all started when I was fourteen. The first time Munson raped me. He tried to be nice at first, but when I wouldn’t give in to him, he beat me with the butt of his gun and cuffed me to the bed. He told me I was a bad boy because if I fought him, that meant he would go to Luke and do what I wouldn’t let him do to me.”
Ash could see it all again, the images rising in his mind, imprinted in stark relief. Oddly it was things like the lumpy mattress cutting into his back that came to mind first, along with the scratchy, bright blue blanket that provided little warmth. Then came the memories of the pain. The gun hitting him, the cuffs on his wrists, and the ropes on his ankles as he struggled, and finally, the hated touch of his foster father.
“So what happened?” Drew held his hand, gently squeezing it from time to time.
“I let him do whatever he wanted to me, as long as he left the other kids alone. But one night when it was really bad, I took a knife here”—he pointed to the thickest scars on his wrist—“and here, and I tried to kill myself.”
There had been so much blood and pain, but his foster mother found him, took him to a lady who lived two houses down from them. No questions were asked. The neighbor, Mrs. Cartwright, simply stitched and bandaged him up and he went home.
Drew looked horrified. “No one reported it? My God, you could’ve died.”
Ash chuckled at his naïveté. “Baby, no one was gonna go against a cop, especially a mean son of a bitch like Munson. After that I got smart. I’d let him do what he wanted, but he hated when I marked myself.” It was worth every slap he got, whenever Munson saw a new knife cut on his arms. “It only made me want to do it more. To let him know he couldn’t tell me what to do with my body.”
He fell back on the pillows, taking Drew back with him to rest on his chest. Ash held Drew close, comforted by his nonjudgmental silence. “When I ran away, I cut myself again and wound up in the hospital, but by then I was eighteen, and they couldn’t send me back. I walked out during the night and came up to New York, got a job in a fast-food place, and studied every night for my GED.”
Now that he’d started, the words flowed like a fast-moving river. “I saved every penny, slept in shelters or wherever I could find a place. I never sold myself, though, ’cause I was too scared of gettin’ a disease. I went to a community college, then to a four-year one. That’s when I knew I wanted to be a lawyer to help kids like me.”
Still Drew said nothing, merely letting him talk out his pain.
“During college, my manager at the restaurant felt sorry for me, so he rented me a room in his house. I thought he’d want sex from me in exchange, but he was honest and only took some money from my paycheck. I got to study and graduated top of my class. That’s how I got the scholarship from Mr. Frank to go to law school.”
Drained, he closed his eyes but kept talking. “Everywhere I went, I looked for Luke and Brandon. I knew I’d failed them. And every time I thought about how much I’d let them down, I’d carve another little piece out of my arm to keep me focused on finding them.”
Drew kissed his cheek and placed his warm hand over Ash’s heart. “You’ll find them one day. I can help you if you want. I’ll help you through it all.”
Ash slid his palm over Drew’s hand to hold him tight. He couldn’t stop touching Drew, needing the connection, like a lifeline to his heart. “I found Luke. He’s away on an extended business trip, but he lives here, in the city.”
“That’s wonderful.” Drew sat up, and Ash sensed his nervousness. “I hate to stop you here, but I want to get to the hospital early to have a chance to speak to the doctors.”
“Of course, baby. Let’s get dressed and go.” He jumped out of bed, no longer caring that his clothes were all wrinkled. Let people think what they would about him and Drew; it was nobody’s fucking business but their own. A weight had lifted from his chest. He’d talked to Drew about some of what happened to him, and he hadn’t been turned away.
He smiled as he buttoned his shirt and tucked it into his slacks, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. Drew came out of the bedroom looking good enough to eat in a pale green shirt, dark blue tie, and black pants. Ash couldn’t resist pulling Drew close to grab his ass with one hand. Now that he’d finally kissed Drew on the mouth, he craved more of him. He crushed his lips over Drew’s, loving the softness. Drew’s mouth opened, accepting the slide of his tongue inside.
Drew whimpered as their tongues tangled together. Showing a restraint he didn’t know he possessed, Ash pulled away. Drew’s lips were reddened and kiss swollen; his face wore a somewhat dazed expression.
Ash huffed out a laugh. “If we don’t leave now, I’ll keep you in bed all day.”
Something dark flashed in Drew’s eyes; then he seemed to realize where they were going. “Right, we’d better hurry.”
Ash nodded, grabbed the bagels on the counter, and followed Drew out of the apartment and down the stairs.
* * * *
The scene at the hospital was quite different this morning than when they’d left the night before. For one thing, which was the most important, Esther was awake. There was a circle of doctors and nurses around her. Drew, who had put on a white doctor’s coat and looked incredibly hot and sexy, told him to wait outside while he went into ICU to consult with the cardiologist.
For a moment, Ash almost forgot himself and went to give him a kiss good-bye. And it seemed as though Drew was of a like mind as he leaned in as if to accept it. Only the sound of Jordan, Rachel, and Mike’s voices stopped him short.
“Drew, how is she? Have you seen her yet?” Rachel came running up and grabbed Drew’s arm. Drew put his arm around her and walked her away to speak with her in private.
Ash turned to greet Mike. “Hey, how’s it going?” Mike gave him a fist bump, then continued on to join Rachel and Drew. Ash watched as Drew spoke with them for a few minutes more, then left to go inside his grandmother’s room. The white coat gave him an air of authority, and those tortoiseshell glasses turned his insides soft with desire. Let people think what they wanted. Ash couldn’t take his eyes off him. Who knew he’d go for that sexy intellectual look? His lips curved in a smile as he watched Drew lean down to kiss Esther.
Someone poked him in the back. “What the fuck is going on?” Surprised, he turned around to find Jordan all up in his face, icy blue eyes spitting fire. “You better have a goddamn good explanation, Davis.” Jordan poked him again, this time in the chest.
Ash leaned back against the wall, a lazy smile on his lips, but his voice clipped out cold and hard. “You fucking put your hands on me again, I’ll make you sorry. I don’t care that you’re Drew’s friend or that your boyfriend’s a cop. Got it?”
Jordan rocked on the balls of his feet, his arms crossed in front of his body. “Go to hell, Davis.”
“Been there, done that already.” Ash smirked, mimicking Jordan’s body language. He didn’t think they’d end up in a brawl inside the hospital, but he wasn’t about to get caught short. Not by Jordan. “What’s your problem?”
“What are you doing here? You’re not family or close with us. And why are you wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday?” Jordan’s disdainful gaze raked him up and down, but there was nothing sexual in his appraisal. If anything he looked angry and disgusted.
Since when did Jordan think he owed him any explanations? Ash raised a brow and smiled. “Fuck off, Peterson. I don’t answer to you, and neither does Drew.” Then, knowing how it would infuriate Jordan, Ash turned his back on him and walked away, toward Mike and Rachel.
Ash didn’t count on Jordan’s tenacity, however. Before he reached the seating area, where Mike and Rachel waited for Drew to come back and tell them about Esther, Jordan grabbed his arm.
Ash stopped dead in his tracks. “If you want to have your hand remain intact to perform surgery, I suggest you get it off me. Now.” No one touched him unless he wanted them to. Years of getting tied down and brutalized would do that to a person. Jordan, however, didn’t know that and continued to hold on to him. Ash began to shake as he felt beads of perspiration dot his forehead. A combination of rage and fear spiraled though him. Spots whirled before his eyes, and his breath caught in his throat. If he didn’t get Jordan off him, he’d end up in the midst of a full-fledged panic attack in the middle of the hospital.
With one gigantic effort, Ash pulled away from Jordan’s grasp, though the nausea and dizziness remained. The coolness of the tile wall he braced himself against seeped through his sweat-soaked body. Jordan took a step closer, and Ash stiffened, then snarled at him. “Get off me. Leave me alone.”
Jordan got the message at last and allowed Mike to lead him away, though both men kept shooting confused looks over their shoulders as they found seats in the waiting area. Rachel came over to him and, speaking very gently, touched his hand. “Ash, are you all right? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
He gazed down at her concerned face. Unlike Jordan, Rachel radiated only warmth and compassion. He gave a weak smile. “Yes. Thanks. I, um, don’t like people grabbing at me, that’s all.”
She shot him an unreadable look, but then Drew came out of his grandmother’s room, and she left his side to run to her brother.
“How is she, Drew? Is she going to be all right?” Rachel held his arm, and Drew hugged her to him. Ash remembered last night and the feel of Drew’s arms around him. He could feel the heat rise in his face.
Drew smiled at Rachel and at all of them as Mike and Jordan, who wisely skirted a wide berth around Ash, joined their small group. “Yes, she’s much better. Her heart remained stable all night, and she’s breathing on her own and is awake and demanding to go home.”
Recovered from his earlier anxiety, Ash chuckled, knowing that sounded exactly like Esther. Drew caught his eye and grinned, then took Rachel by the hand. “Come, Rach, we can see her together now. She says she remembers what happened.” He took a few steps, then stopped and turned around. “Jordan, could you call Keith? I’d like for him to hear what she has to say.”
Jordan nodded and immediately pulled out his cell phone to call his detective boyfriend. Ash begrudgingly admitted to himself that Jordan was a good friend to Drew, no matter that he was an arrogant dick. Did it matter if he and Jordan got along? Not really. He knew the man would always be suspicious of him because of his past behavior. Watching Drew through the glass window of the ICU room interacting with his grandmother and sister, Ash wondered how long it would take before he’d screw up or hurt Drew. He didn’t know what it was to care about someone. He’d spent his whole life with a barrier around him—don’t touch, keep away. The only one who’d ever penetrated it was Jacob Frank. Except for last night. Being with Drew had cracked open his facade, and he didn’t like it. Those feelings of helplessness and pain rushed in like floodwaters after a rainstorm. He’d spent years making sure he’d locked himself up tight, only to have it all come crashing down with the press of Drew’s mouth on his and the feel of his body underneath him.
It wasn’t part of the plan.
Maybe it would be better if he disappeared like they all probably wanted, and let the people closest to Drew help him. After all, he was a stranger, like Jordan said, not part of their family. They didn’t need him. With one final look through the glass, he hastened to the elevator, managing to make it inside before the doors slid closed.
As the elevator whooshed downward, he wondered at the emptiness inside him now that he’d left Drew, and the yawning sense of loss, like he’d left something behind he might never be able to find again.
Chapter Twenty
“Nana, you have to lay back and relax. It won’t do you any good to fight us.” Drew gazed down at his grandmother with affectionate exasperation. Now that she was no longer in any danger, he had no problem exerting his authority as a doctor rather than being the worried grandson. “You aren’t going to leave here a moment before Dr. Porter says so.” He sat in the chair next to her bed and felt a twinge in his ass. A small smile broke over his lips as he recalled the reason for his discomfort.
He allowed himself a brief glance out of the window to catch a glimpse of Ash but didn’t see him. Rob Porter came in with a bevy of young interns and residents following him.