They finally pulled into the Tucson Convention Center parking lot, parking in front so that the kids could unload safely, but there was no way for me to simply park there behind them and watch for Shae. Men in uniforms were controlling arrivals, so I was forced to drive all over looking for my own spot, finally finding one way in the back of the overflow dirt lot. I pulled into it, slammed on the brakes and ran to where the buses had been. What on earth was going on inside? What was the big attraction?
The buses were gone by then, and so were the kids! Someone in a clown suit headed my way, holding a large cluster of balloons. He handed one to me, along with a flyer welcoming me to The Greatest Show on Earth. The children were all at the circus! That explained all the cars, but not the dismay I felt deep inside. A circus? Was this another of God’s jokes? I couldn’t imagine a more horrifying place. Until then, I’d always thought Chuck E Cheeses and airports headed my “To Be Avoided” list. This was much worse. The place would be swarming with screaming kids, colors and bright lights, noise, music and bedlam! I’d made Rule Two specifically to keep myself out of such places. No crowds, ever!
A ticket would cost half of what I had in my purse, but there was no alternative. Shae would be inside somewhere, and I wanted to see her more than I wanted to hide. Maybe, just maybe, I might be able to spot her. “Please just let me see her once,” I prayed, “so I’ll know she’s safe and happy. I promise I’ll leave them alone after that.”
There were thousands of people inside, most of them under the age of twelve and the rest chaperons or parents. Every instinct screamed for me to leave. I vowed to stay until my prayer was answered, but how exactly was I supposed to find one little girl in a sea of faces? I started at the top of the huge stadium and worked my way down the closest stairway, then moved to the next one and worked my way back up, scanning faces in the rows on both sides as I went. Popcorn crunched under my feet and I had to slide over more than once to let vendors with their big trays pass.
Up and down, down and up. Ushers kept offering to help me find my seat, but I thanked them and moved on, aware that I was becoming as big an attraction as dogs riding bicycles and lions jumping through flaming hoops. Tiny, sometimes-sticky hands brushed me as I passed. One child accidentally spilled his snow cone on my shoe. I didn’t care. I’d already searched half the stadium and now was beginning to worry that maybe I’d missed her.
I had barely two and a half hours left.
An elderly security guard asked me to take my seat, as there’d already been complaints about my disturbing the children. That was news to me, until he said that several kids had tried to follow me.
“I’m looking for someone,” I said. “I have to find her.”
“Is she lost? What’s her name? I’ll announce it over the intercom.”
“No,” I said, fighting tears. “That’s not necessary. I don’t know why any children would be following me.”
“Let me see your ticket.”
What choice did I have? I handed it to him, only to have him point at a spot so close I thought he’d made a mistake. The lone seat was midway across a row crowded mostly with adults, and the guard was standing there, arms folded, waiting to see me follow his direction. It was only when I started to squeeze past the first woman in that row that he finally retreated. She was two sizes too large for the seat she was sitting in.
“Sorry,” I said, “but my seat is way over there.”
She looked that way, then scoffed. There was barely enough room to inch past her knees, and the concrete was already strewn with soda bottles, hotdogs, and popcorn. No way was she going to stand up. “Good luck! Hope you already used the bathroom!”
One seat down, nine to go. I slowly made my way as people collected their bags and bottles and whatever else they had on their laps to clear a path for me. Legs twisted to the side and some had to stand, but eventually I got there. Now I was trapped, just as the fat lady predicted. Two hours left! It was hopeless. I’d need almost an hour to drive to the airport and turn the car in. I’d never turned in a rental car before, but if it was as much a hassle as getting one it could take all my remaining time. I didn’t dare cut things too close.
The clowns were performing, but I couldn’t see much because there was a boy standing on his seat, blocking my view. I wasn’t interested in clowns anyway. Maybe I could figure out where I’d started looking, way over on the opposite side. I still might be able to spot Shae that way, but the faces were so small over there I might still miss her. I wouldn’t see Lane because he’d be at work.
This couldn’t be the way it ended. Thousands of happy people in a happy place, and I was the only one with tears running down both cheeks. It just wasn’t fair!
A sudden commotion had me wiping my eyes and raising my head again. The boy who’d been standing and blocking my view was scrambling toward the nearest stairway while being cheered on by those in his row. The clowns were selecting kids from the audience to assist them in a skit, and the boy was one of their choices. Down the stairs he raced, two steps at a time, for his brief taste of fame, giving me my first clear view of all the heads below me.
There! Almost directly below, just two rows from the very front, were the golden locks I’d been looking for, but… they didn’t belong to Shae. I was looking at Lane’s back!
For a long moment I couldn’t get a grip. This was Wednesday, and he’d be at work, not at a circus. Well, wouldn’t he? No, that had to be someone else who looked like him, and… It
was
him! My heart started doing back flips that would have made any clown envious. I was on my feet in a flash, ready to walk on heads and shoulders to get to him, hug him. The tiniest shred of restraint held me back, but I’d never wanted anything more in my entire life.
Turn around, Lane. Turn around and see me
!
He turned almost as my heart was shouting the words, but not far enough. Then he spun around and looked in the opposite direction. Was he scanning the crowd? Picking up my mental message? With all the noise, I wasn’t sure he’d have heard me even if I had screamed, but… without doubt he was searching for someone in the stands. The tidbit of hope I hadn’t been able to completely squash come to life and grew legs and arms before I could stop it!
The circus band started playing just then, and the din tripled. No way could I shout over that!
I’m here, Lane, over here. Turn around
.
He’d gotten to his feet, but was still looking in the wrong direction. And
there
was Shae! She’d been sitting next to him, wearing the same colorful circus hat lots of kids were wearing. It covered her curls, but for some reason she’d taken it off and was standing, too, actually getting up on her seat. Every few moments she was yelling something in his ear. I saw her cup her hands to her mouth so he’d hear her. It wasn’t because of the clowns or the excitement of the band. They were looking for someone. Oh, my God, they could hear me! It was true… they could hear my thoughts!
No sooner had I built my glorious sand castle than it washed away before my very eyes. Sydney! She was coming down the same stairs I’d used, passing my row with a big bucket of popcorn. I was seeing myself even though I was wearing Annie’s body. I hadn’t become Annie yet, not in my mind, not in my dreams. Stunned, I sank back onto my seat. Of course she’d be there, if Lane was. What part of my silly, illusionary brain believed she could just be wished away? Yet the moment I saw Lane standing there by himself, my heart wanted her gone. He and Shae had been looking for
her
, not me. She’d gone to get popcorn, and they didn’t know which way she’d return. It was all an illusion. Annie was an illusion, too, just someone I’d borrowed. I was meant to wallow in a sea of crumbs, but never enjoy the cake!
Even though I was sitting, the empty seat in front of me allowed me to watch Lane and Shae. She was jumping up and down on her seat, looking as excited as any little girl would be in such a setting. This would be my final chance to engrave them on my soul forever. She and Lane were
almost
looking right through me… but they still didn’t notice me. How could they? I wasn’t anyone they knew. I was taller than Sydney and my hair was a lot longer than hers. The color was different, and now it was done up professionally. The very few times I’d looked at myself in the mirror after the hair appointment I’d seen someone a lot prettier than Sydney, but right now I’d have settled for looking
almost
like her. Even if Lane and Shae had been told I was there, ten rows behind them, they wouldn’t have recognized me unless they had a photograph in their hands.
Lane broke into a smile, but that wasn’t for me, either. It was for her. He’d worn that same expression when he vowed he’d follow me anywhere. His love for me had been spilling out of every pore at that moment. Now it was spilling all over
her.
Another piece of my soul died right there, and yet I’d come for closure, hadn’t I? Closure was killing me inch by inch. I couldn’t look away.
Lane ignored several people calling for him to sit down. He was calling to Sydney, motioning her to hurry up. Just as she reached him, the band began playing something romantic to go with a trapeze act that was just starting. Wonderful! Exactly what I needed. When she finally reached him, he grabbed her and drew her close, saying something up close to her ear. I could all but guess what it was.
Enough! I had to get out of there as fast as possible. Even as I turned to begin my charge back out the row of seats, I caught sight of a man with really long hair. Father Gabe! He’d been sitting in another tier, probably with the rest of the school children. He’d probably seen the trio standing up and looking all around, but all I had time for was a glimpse of them. I sure didn’t need
him
, not any more. What I needed now was a pair of wings!
I stepped on toes, tripped over feet, and accidentally kicked over sodas. Five seats down, four to go! Then I’d have to tackle the fat lady at the end.
Don’t look back, whatever you do. You don’t want to see them. They’re not yours to have, or to know, or to love.
It’s over. Look ahead.
I looked back. All four had turned in my direction. Then Lane was pointing directly at me, and Father Gabe was nodding. He’d seen me, too. No! No, no, NO!
My row was blocked. Two people were returning to their seats, and the fat lady had already seated herself behind them. I twisted about, head lowered, and charged in the opposite direction. That way seemed nearly as congested, so I hurdled the seat backs into the next row down, getting a foot stuck in the seat when I landed. Instead of touching down like a gazelle, I was more like one of the clowns, sprawling on my back across two adults and a pair of kids. By the time they realized what had happened, I was past them and sprinting up the stairs, two steps at a time.
I knew it! I knew it was a seamless switch there in Dr. Chen’s office. Sydney had taken over the very instant I retreated. She couldn’t wait to shove me out. Oh, why had I ever come back? Why did I listen to Marge?
Someone’s close behind me. Security guard? It doesn’t matter. Don’t stop. Run!
“Wait! I want to talk to you!” The voice was baritone, no more than a few steps behind. Couldn’t be Lane—he was too far away. Or was it? My clown-like flop on that family in the row ahead of mine had taken time. He could have closed the distance. No! I rocketed up the remaining stairs.
Exit! Find an exit. Oh, no, you came in on the other side. There’s an exit door. Slam the security bar—there! Push! It’s a heavy door. Now down the stairwell. Run! Run! There! It’s the parking lot. Down the ramp.
The main parking lot was an ocean of cars, but it was the dirt lot I wanted. I had to slow down, look around, get my bearings. By then I’d outrun anyone who might have been chasing me, but I wasn’t taking any chances. The overflow lot seemed a lot bigger than I remembered. Yup, I was in the wrong one.
It’s on the other side. Run!
I finally found my rental car by using the alarm function on my key. Yes, a horn was beeping five rows away. I felt ridiculous racing in and out of the car rows pushing the panic button, but I was good at ridiculous, and it was keeping me focused rather than letting me dwell on what had just happened. I couldn’t get Lane’s expression out of my head. He’d never smiled like that for
me
, not even once. Not only was he happy with me gone from his life, he was thriving.
Get to the airport.
I peeled out of the parking lot. Circuses had just jumped ahead of churches on my “avoid at all costs” list.
Get to the airport.
I’d never see clowns the same way again. A traffic light was turning red just ahead. I ran it.
Get to the airport.
The mere mention of cotton candy would make me want to puke.
Get to the airport.
It was all I’d allow myself to think. There’d be plenty of time to fall apart later. Heck, as far as I knew I had all eternity for that.
When I finally pulled into the rental car return line, thirty minutes before my flight was to leave, everything had become a blur—freeway, signs, traffic. The rental car attendant wanted to know if I was okay and the shuttle bus driver offered me a tissue to dab at my eyes. I blew my nose instead. Even the ticket agent gave me a look of concern as she handed me my boarding pass, but I was okay. I told her so. I’d already figured out my next moves. I’d get on the plane, get off in Seattle, catch a cab to Marge’s house, pay the driver, and crawl in bed. Next morning I’d wake up, go to the shelter, go back home, and crawl back into bed. One day would merge into the next, until I was switched into someone else. Then it would start all over again.