"It's funny. Your mom fal s down the stairs accidental y, and I want to shove my mom down the stairs on purpose al of the time."
He attempted a smile, but it quickly faltered and ended in a sigh.
"I said I would wait until you were ready," he said quietly. "But..."
"You want to know what is ultimately keeping us apart," I fil ed in.
"
You
are ultimately keeping us apart," he said patiently. "But I need to know why."
He reached out and pushed my hair out of my face. His fingers on my cheek were deeply comforting. I pressed my hand against his, savoring
his touch before he could withdraw it. This time I kissed him, wrapped my arms around him. Enormous butterflies fluttered in my bel y and migrated
throughout my body. The tingling down my spine made me weak.
We kissed in front of the window, slow and easy, oblivious to the sights, sounds, and smel s of the hospital. It wasn't until someone cleared their
throat about three times before we broke apart and looked for the intruder.
Lorraine stood just inside the doorway, grinning ear to ear.
"Sorry to disturb you," she said. "But the doctor wants to talk to al of us."
"Oh, that's embarrassing," I whispered as we fol owed her out of the room.
As it turned out, Grace had a mini stroke, which was probably the main contributor to her fal . She was going to be in the hospital longer than
original y anticipated.
Luke, Lena, and I left a couple of hours later. Lena was going to pick my mom up from the airport, a task I was thankful wasn't asked of me.
Luke and I went to meet Emmet, Casey and the kids for dinner and al of us travel ed back across town for dessert at Lena's with my mother.
"You look...different," she said, eyeing me careful y after a hug.
"I look the same," I insisted, but I knew she could tel I've been getting some.
"Hmm," she said doubtful y. "At any rate, you always look beautiful." She started to turn away but turned back and said "Except when you wear red lipstick. It makes you look like a whore."
I cringed, but said nothing. Luke looked at me with sympathy and then gave me a double arm pat.
"Can I double pat her face with my fists?" I whispered to him.
"No, but you can put on some red lipstick when we get home."
We politely hung around a little while longer before using the excuse that it was wel past Lucas's bedtime and quickly bowed out. Lucas was
asleep long before we got home, so putting him to bed was effortless. An hour and some change after leaving Lena's, I was stark naked in the living
room, riding Luke as if my life depended on it.
"Maybe we should stop having sex," he said afterward. "I'm being a girl about it. My feelings just grow stronger every time."
"Mine do, too," I argued.
"Not enough."
"You don't know that."
"If it were enough, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
We were quiet for a minute or two. My head was in his lap and he absent mindedly stroked my hair, staring at the floor, deep in thought.
"I feel real y fucked up inside," I said, breaking the silence. "I feel scarred and dysfunctional."
"Everyone is dysfunctional sometimes."
"No," I objected. "I feel dysfunctional al of the time. It's something that stays with me al day and al night, no matter what I'm doing or how else I feel. I
always
feel fucked up, and I feel like I can't be fixed. You want to fix me, but I feel like I'm a lost cause, and I don't want you to even bother trying."
"What did Kyle do to you to make you feel so lowly about yourself?"
I sighed loudly, and pushed myself to my feet. I was so frustrated.
"Luke, stop blaming Kyle. I did this to myself. I mean...he did a lot to contribute to it, but he didn't force me into anything. I made my own decisions. If this was al of Kyle's fault, it would be easy to just throw al of the blame where it belongs and move on, but it's
not
al his fault."
"You're not a lost cause," Luke said, also on his feet now. "Yes, you made bad decisions, but you're not doomed. I love you, Emmy, scars and
al ."
"Look...I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up again. I'm afraid that I won't be able to ever give you what you deserve."
He started to object, but my cel rang in the dining room. I walked away, to escape the conversation, and to answer the cal . It was Mayson.
"What's up?" I asked.
"You have a problem," she said careful y.
"What is it?"
"Uhh...your bar."
"What about it?"
"It's on fire."
Change of plans. Instead of flying to the east coast in a couple of weeks, I was packed and at the airport with Lucas in my arms by noon the
fol owing day.
My bar, according to Mayson, had burned to the ground. There was probably nothing left to salvage. No one was hurt, even though it was a ful
house. The fire marshal thinks the fire started in the kitchen with faulty wiring to the stove.
"I'l be out there in a couple of weeks, if my schedule permits," Luke said to me.
"Okay."
"I'l miss you guys."
He took Lucas from me and talked to him about the "air ane" and how much he'l miss him. He kissed his head and handed him back. My kiss
was a little more elaborate.
"I love you, buddy," Luke ruffled Lucas's hair. "I love you," he said to me.
I hesitated before repeating it back to him, which was clearly a mistake judging by the expression on his face.
"I'm sorry," I rushed. "I didn't mean..."
"Don't worry about it. Have a safe trip." He walked away without a backward glance.
When we landed in Phil y, I was able to forget what an ass I was to Luke. I was excited to be back to the tri-state area I cal ed home. My exit
from said area was a memory I pushed out of my mind. I didn't want to focus on that.
Mayson waited for us at the airport. After some discussion, we packed into her car and drove the few seconds away to a rental car agency.
She left me there and took Lucas with her to do whatever she had to do. Before I left the parking lot of the rental company, I texted Luke to let him
know we landed safely.
There was always traffic in Phil y, whether it was a Sunday or Doomsday, traffic never ceased. I easily fel back into bad driving habits and
yel ing at other drivers. The traffic slowed a little when I crossed the bridge into Jersey, but not by much. The air quality changed a little, too. I loved
the smel of factories and refineries on a hot summer day. Mmm mmm!
I had mental y prepared myself for the disaster I would see when I got to what was left of my bar. I just had not prepared myself enough.
What was left of the building was blackened by the fire and smoke. Rubble and unidentifiable items were melted together. It looked like a
bombed out building you see in war movies.
I got out of the car, and stifled a scream. I walked toward the site in a daze, stupefied by what I was seeing. Just outside, I found a half a bottle
of vodka, intact, just lying there. I picked it up, studied it for a minute and then opened it and took a big gulp. After a couple more big sips, I felt
ready to venture inside the disaster.
"I wouldn't go in there if I were you," a familiar voice said behind me. I was so startled that I dropped the bottle as I turned around, shattering it
and spil ing out the rest of the alcohol.
"Shit. You scared the shit out of me
and
perfectly good vodka has been spil ed."
"Sorry. I thought you saw me."
"No," I shook my head and nodded across the lot. "Didn't even notice your car until now."
We looked back at what used to be the bar.
"I don't think it's safe for you to be in there, hence the yel ow tape."
"The tape is a formality. How else am I supposed to assess the damage?"
"That's what you're insurance guy is for, and he left a few minutes before you got here."
I sighed loudly and kicked at a burnt piece of wood. We stood there in silence for a while, just staring at the charred mess. I decided to take
some pictures so I could send them to Luke and my mom.
"So, how long are you in the area?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. A couple of weeks, I guess. Depends."
"On what?"
"What I'm going to do with this mess, for one, and I don't know. I may get homesick or something."
"You don't miss Jersey?"
"Are you kidding me? Every day of my life! I miss the people, the food - my god I could go for a real Phil y cheesesteak right now. And some
water ice. Real water ice. It's hot as hel out here."
"Where are you staying?"
"Probably in Mount Laurel in a hotel. I guess I should take care of that now," I said. "What are you doing here anyway?"
"I heard about the bar, wanted to see it for myself."
"Did you think I would come?"
"No, I didn't. I was surprised to see you."
"Oh."
"Wel , look, I don't want to hold you up. Why don't you text me later? I know I'm going out on a limb here, but maybe we can have lunch or
something before you go."
"Maybe," I said, not committing to anything. "Is your number the same?"
"Yeah. If you don't contact me, I wil understand."
I nodded an okay.
"Be careful - and stay out of there."
A moment later Kyle Sterling drove out of the parking lot and I felt myself breathe again.
Early the next morning, I found myself standing in the lot of my destroyed bar again. I didn't know what to do with the mess. Rebuilding meant
more time in Jersey - a lot more time, and as much as I had missed it, I wasn't sure if that was a good idea.
For hours after Lucas fel asleep, I had to talk myself out of cal ing Kyle. I would dial the number, but never initiate the cal . I must have a hundred
drafts of text messages that wil never be sent. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish. The only reason I didn't final y cal was because I fel asleep.
No wil power.
"Less go!" Lucas shouted in the car behind me. I was only standing about two feet from the car.
"Okay, let's go," I answered and got back into the car.
We went to visit Donya and her new baby for a little while. I was pissed off that she had already lost her baby fat and again looked like the
runway model she was.
We only stayed a couple of hours, because she had a doctor's appointment and Lucas was restless. I took him to the zoo for a couple of hours
and then we ate an early dinner in the city. By six, we were back in the hotel. Lucas fel asleep around seven-thirty, and I was bored. If the rest of my
trip was going to be this way, I was going to cut it short. Everyone I knew was busy with their lives and couldn't spare more than a few minutes.
Donya was busy with her new expanded family, Mayson had a boyfriend, and Tabitha wasn't exactly on the welcome committee. My old co-workers
were busy with work or had also moved away. At least in Chicago I had family and a few friends, and a job, and Luke.
I knew one person who would be available as much as I wanted him to. I dialed, held my breath, and pressed the send key. It started to ring at
the very moment someone knocked on my hotel door. Surprised, I sat there staring dumbly at the door with the phone ringing in my ear.
"Hel o?" Kyle said.
"God. I'm sorry. I know I just cal ed but someone is knocking on my door," I said as I ran to the door. I looked through the peephole.
"Em?" Kyle's voice lit up.
"Tabitha," I said when I opened the door.
"Tabitha?" Kyle asked, confused.
"I'm sorry," I said into the phone. "My cousin Tabitha just showed up. I'l cal you back." I ended the cal .
"Can I come in?" Tabitha asked.
"Yeah, of course." I stepped aside and let her in.
"Where's Lucas?" She asked, standing in the middle of the room letting her eyes wander.
"He crashed a while ago. Probably out of boredom. Have a seat. You want something? A soda or water?" I started toward the kitchenette, but
she stopped me.
"No, I'm fine," she said and sat down on the couch.
I sat down in a chair across from her. I felt nervous, probably because this was out of character for Tabitha, to just show up at any door I may be
behind. The funny thing is that when we were kids, we were cool. We were close even. Somewhere around fifteen or sixteen, it suddenly became
what it is now, awkward and tense.
"Who was on the phone?" She asked.
"Umm, Kyle."
"Sterling?"
"Yeah."
"Met him a few times. Kind of got a bad vibe from him, like he was a dick," she said staring into some point in the past, but then she caught
herself and straightened up. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't know for sure if he's a dick. You're the one that worked for him."
"It's okay, and yeah, he had dick-like tendencies."
"What about now?"
"I wouldn't know," I said quietly.
She looked at me curiously, but didn't mention Kyle again. "Mayson told me your room number. I hope you don't mind."
"I don't mind, but..."
"You want to know why I suddenly care to make a social cal ."
I nodded.
She looked away, silently thinking of how she was going to start.
"Let's talk," she said, and we did.
Tabitha stayed for nearly three hours. When she left, I felt better about our relationship. I was glad that I hopeful y fixed something while I was in
Jersey. After she was gone for a good ten minutes, I picked up my phone and cal ed Kyle.
"Are you going to hang up on me again?" He yawned.
"Maybe."
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Can I come see you?"
"Absolutely not."
We were silent for a moment. And then "I like your hair."
"What?"