"Your hair," he said patiently. "I like it. Stil smel s good."
"How could you smel my hair through the smel of smoke and burned dreams?"
"I don't know the science of
how
. I just know that I
did
."
"Huh," I said, because I didn't know what else to say.
"So," he started. "I think we have a lot to talk about."
"No," I said quickly. "We don't need to talk about any...any of that. I don't want to."
"Em, I don't even know what happened. I know I…hit you, but I don't remember. I want you to tel me."
"No, I don't want to talk about it. Please," I said with a hint of begging. "It's just that...it was painful and I'm trying to move away from any kind of negativity."
He was silent for a moment and then I heard him sigh. "Okay. Then what do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know," I sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't have cal ed."
"I stil love you." There. He put it out there. Now what was I supposed to do with it? "If you stil loved me after everything, especial y that last night, I would be surprised."
"I said I didn't want to talk about that!"
"Sorry."
Another bout of silence.
"You looked real y good yesterday. Did I mention I like your hair? It's so long."
I sighed, thinking maybe I made a mistake cal ing him.
"Emmy, I want to see you."
"When?"
"How about now?"
"I already said no."
"Wel , say yes."
"I can't."
"Are you...are you and Luke together?"
It took a moment for me to answer. "Not official y. He wants to be with me, though."
"And you?"
"I am undecided. I don't want to talk about that either."
"I'm coming over."
"You can't! My son..." I realized this was the first time Lucas was brought up.
"Right, you're son, which is why I should come there. Tel me where you are. I'l bring you diner food and a diner shake. Jersey food, Em. Mmm
yum."
Okay, so who could resist some good diner food? I caved.
"I come bearing gifts," Kyle said when I opened the door forty minutes later.
I snatched the food from him and let him in.
"Can't get good diner food in Chicago," I said, stuffing a chili cheese fry with bacon into my mouth. "I mean Chicago has its good food, but not
good diner food. Mmm this is so fucking good."
"Nice to see your appetite hasn't gone anywhere," he looked at me with fake disgust as I stuffed more food into my mouth and fol owed it up
with some chocolate shake.
"What's in the brown bag?" I stopped chewing and pointed to the bag he was holding.
"I replaced your spil ed vodka."
"I'm not going to drink that," I said after swal owing my food.
"Why? It's your favorite vodka - cotton candy flavor."
"You and me with alcohol makes matters...gray."
"Gray matter isn't al bad al of the time."
I looked at his chest muscles bulging against his black tee shirt and his biceps stretching the fabric.
"I can't drink right now," I said, tearing my eyes away with a loud sigh.
He put the bag down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch.
"Maybe you'l change your mind."
"Don't count on it," I said from the kitchenette where I got paper plates and plastic forks.
I sat down in the chair instead of the couch, ignoring Kyle's looks of disappointment. We ate in silence for a while. My eyes kept roaming from
the vodka to Kyle. To the vodka, back to Kyle. Vodka, Kyle. Kyle, vodka. I wasn't sure which one I wanted most. It had been a good long time since I
real y enjoyed vodka. It had been only a little less time since I real y enjoyed Kyle.
Shit
.
"I can almost see the gears turning in your head," Kyle said. "You're thinking about how much you want some vodka." He took the vodka out of
the bag and held it on display. "You're also thinking about how much you want some Kyle. You can't decide which one you want more."
"Fuck off, dick."
He grinned. "I miss your potty mouth. Besides hookers, I don't know any other woman who uses such colorful language."
"How many hookers do you know?"
"One or two."
"Ew."
He gave me a disgusted look as he opened the vodka. "Not like that. I don't have any trouble getting a woman."
"No, the trouble comes when you have one too many," I said dryly.
"I deserve that."
"And more."
"And more," he nodded before taking a sip of vodka.
"Stil drink like a girl," I muttered.
"Why don't you show me how it's done?" He offered me the bottle.
"I don't drink like that anymore. In fact Friday was the first time that I was drunk since before I knew I was preggers with Lucas."
"Slacker."
I shrugged. "Motherhood. Who woulda thought it would make me a responsible person?"
"Having a drink won't make you irresponsible. Driving drunk would make you irresponsible, but since you're in for the night..." He again offered
me the bottle.
"No," I said firmly.
"Your loss." He put the bottle down. "So can I see pictures of your little boy or what?" He was asking to be polite, probably a little curiosity, but I knew it might hurt him. He had wanted to be a dad to Lucas, even if he wasn't the father.
I hesitated, chewing on my cheek for a moment before I pul ed out my phone and tapped the icon for pictures. I handed him the phone. His
expression was hard to read from where I was sitting, but when he glanced up with a big smile, I could see some pain behind it.
"He's a cute kid. You look real y happy in these pictures," he said softly. "You look like a real y loving mother."
"I
am
a real y loving mother. Lucas makes me feel...worth something."
He looked at me with a seriously sad expression. "I always thought you were worth something."
I looked away, afraid of being completely taken in by his imploring eyes.
"Who are these people? Luke's family?" He asked, flashing me the phone.
I moved over to the couch so I could point out who was who in many of the pictures, or give him a story about some of the pictures, like the one
of Tabitha and Leo at Lucas's party. When we reached the end of the pictures, he handed me my phone, but I didn't immediately get up. He smel ed
so good, I wanted to inhale him completely.
"How's work?" I asked, trying to appear relaxed by sitting back and crossing one leg over another.
"Busy. My department has grown. The office is ridiculously crowded now, but you taught Eliza wel . She's almost as good at office management
as you are."
"Give her some credit. She learned some basic stuff from me, but she probably real y does just know what she's doing. Are you any nicer to
your employees?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, I am. Probably too nice sometimes."
"I'm impressed."
We sat staring at each other for half a minute. I knew him wel enough to know that he was about to do something he shouldn't. My hand caught
him, just as he was moving forward.
"Don't kiss me," I whispered.
"I real y want to," he whispered back. "We're both single, right? So who could we hurt?"
"Each other."
The answer caught him off guard. He looked like I had just slapped him. He backed off, moved over a foot, and looked down at the floor.
"I guess I should go," he said and then stood up.
I didn't make any move to stop him, even though I real y wanted to not only stop him, but let him kiss me. I walked him to the door, and al owed a
brief embrace before the door closed after him. I stood there a minute, looking at the door. If I were going to stop him, I only had about a half of a
minute to do it, but then a question pressed into my brain. Why would I want to stop him? What would I accomplish by doing that, and would the end
result real y be one that I wanted?
Lucas was up at the crack of dawn. I didn't know what to do with him, or my time in Jersey. After chasing him through the suite for an hour, I
made a decision. A half hour later, Lucas and I were checking out of the hotel. I made another stop at my personal disaster area.
I had hoped that if I looked at it hard and long enough, an idea would form in my head, but I had no such luck. Before I could leave the lot, my
phone rang.
"Hey," Luke said. He sounded like he was walking and I could hear morning Chicago traffic in the background.
"Hi," I said and smiled.
"How are you guys?"
"We're great. We're getting ready to go to the shore for a few days."
"Oh, Lucas's first beach trip. I'm jealous I'm not there."
"Sorry. Are you stil going to come out here?"
"I don't know. Depends on your plans. You got there a week earlier than expected because of the bar, but are you stil staying until after Labor
Day?"
I sighed. "I don't know. Depends on what I'm going to do with the rubble that used to be my bar."
"Wel , things are pretty busy here. I'm in court al week this week. You let me know what your plans are and I wil let you know if I can come."
"Okay. You want to talk to Lucas?"
"Of course."
I put the phone on speaker and supervised the cute father and son conversation, sometimes translating what Lucas said. When Lucas lost
interest in the conversation, I put the phone back to my ear.
"So, what else is up?" Luke asked. It was a general question, not directed at anything in particular, but I instantly felt guilty.
I hesitated, and stumbled over my words until I got my words straight. I told him about running into Kyle at the bar, a little about my initial phone
cal and my time with Tabitha, and then I told him about Kyle's visit. I didn't leave anything out, including the attempted kiss.
There was a stretch of silence from the other line, and I would have believed the cal had disconnected if not for the traffic noises.
"Hel o?" I said.
"I'm here. I don't know what to say. I guess I'm fucking blown away."
"Nothing happened. I told you every detail."
"I don't doubt your honesty, Emmy. I doubt your decision making."
What could I say to that? So did I.
"Look," he said after another stretch of silence. "You made it pretty clear where we stand, so you do whatever you want, but you keep that
asshole away from my son."
The line went dead, and I think part of me did, too.
I bit my lip to keep from crying, but the tears came anyway. Up until last week, I hadn't cried in forever, and now I was crying again.
"Go, mommy! Go, mommy!" Lucas was impatient now, tired of looking at my trashed bar.
"Okay, baby. We're going."
I drove away, trying to dry my eyes, with the awful feeling that I had ruined everything once again.
I rented a smal room a block from the beach. Lucas was instantly in love with the sand and water. Watching him laugh and splash in the shal ow
water made me temporarily forget that I pissed off his dad.
We played in the sand, built lopsided castles, col ected sea shel s and chased seagul s. We stuffed ourselves on boardwalk fries and pizza,
cotton candy, funnel cake, and salt water taffy. We shopped in the little shops, buying crap we didn't need, like a couple of hermit crabs.
At night, I watched bad cable television, ate junk food, drank the vodka Kyle bought me, and ignored his phone cal s and texts. I texted Luke
and even tried cal ing him, but he would only say he was busy and only accepted a phone cal if he knew he was only going to speak to Lucas.
After two nights in Ocean City, Lucas and I headed up the coast to Belmar. Leo had a house there, and he and Tabitha invited us to stay with
them for a while. Donya and Jerry and Mayson and her boyfriend Fred were also invited, but Jerry was stil in the regular basebal season and would
only be able to pop in here and there.
"So, are you guys like...together?" I asked Leo later that morning. We were making lunch. Tabitha was at a nearby playground with Lucas and
the others were expected to arrive shortly.
"I guess," he shrugged. "I know she loves me and that she wants to be with me, but..." He sighed. "It's complicated."
"I hope it works out. I think you make a nice couple."
"Thanks. So, what's up with you and Luke?"
I made an exasperated sound.
"That good?"
"It could be better," I admitted.
When I didn't elaborate, he changed the topic, although it was paral el.
"What happened when you left my house that night?"
He was referring to the night I tried to ride him like a stal ion, while drunk, and while Kyle waited for me back in our hotel room.
"What have you heard?" I asked careful y.
"I heard that you had an accident," he said, but I could hear in his tone that he didn't believe it. "But I couldn't comment on it either way. No one knows that I saw you again after dinner that night, for obvious reasons."
Obvious reasons being my cousin Tabitha who I just made up with.
"So what real y happened?"
I bit my lip, contemplating whether or not that was information he needed to know. I trusted Leo, though. He's kept more than a few of my secrets in the past.
"Long story short," I started. "We argued and things got a little physical. He accidental y broke my wrist."
"Accidental y."
"Yes, it was an accident."
"Why didn't you come back? I woulda accidental y broke his face." He was holding a knife, and he looked pissed. I believe he real y would have
broken Kyle's face.
"Don't tel anyone, Leo. Mayson is suspicious, but she doesn't know for sure."
"My lips are sealed, but if I see that guy on the street..."
The front door opened and I heard a baby screaming and knew Donya had arrived. We dropped the subject and went to greet the others.