have had in a long time.
And that day was also a turning point.
Throughout the day, regardless of where I was or what I was doing, my eyes would often fal on Luke. I liked watching him talk to my mom,
because he had a way of handling her with kid gloves, and making her feel that she was heard, even if what she was saying was ludacris. I liked the
relationship he had with Donya and Mayson, joking with them, making them laugh, or catching their interest in various topics. Luke got along wel
with everyone; someone was always vying for his attention, including al of the kids, because he was able to go down to their level without being
patronizing. Watching him laugh made me smile. Watching him with our son made me al warm and gooey inside.
When I went to bed that night, I assumed that I would be back to normal by the time I woke up, that it was just the excitement of the day that had
me feeling a little off kilter. I went about my Sunday morning as usual. I rol ed out of bed to find Lucas missing from his crib, but could hear Luke
talking to him in the living room. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth before going into the living room.
Lucas was tottering around the room carrying his favorite toy, the stuffed whale Luke gave him the first day they met. Luke sat on the couch with
the Sunday paper spread out on the coffee table, and Sesame Street was on the television. I stared at Luke's chiseled bicep peeking out from
under his tee-shirt. Not a good sign. When he looked up and flashed me a smile and said "Good morning number three," my heart hammered in my
chest.
I stuttered out a greeting and quickly exited the room to the kitchen. I was silently kicking myself as I poured myself a cup of coffee. Lucas came
into the kitchen with his dad on his heels.
"Cup?" Lucas asked, looking up at me questioningly.
"You want your cup?"
"Ya. Cup." He patted the whale's head and waited patiently while Luke got him a sippy cup of juice. He padded back into the living room and
shouted "Emmo!"
"Elmo," Luke and I said together.
"You want some breakfast?" I asked him.
"Sure. I could use some food. I tried Lucas's cereal, but it wasn't for me." He made a disgusted face that made me laugh. "Oh, my god it's that
sound again!"
I knew he was talking about my laughter, but I played dumb.
"What sound?" I asked, trying to reach a box of Bisquick. "Why do you put things way up on the third shelf where I can't reach?"
"Because it's funny watching you reach for it." He stood almost directly behind me, reached over my head and grabbed the box.
"Thanks," I said and snatched it from him. I turned my back on him to hopeful y hide the redness that had seeped into my cheeks due to his
close proximity to me.
"I'm going into the office after breakfast. I have to be in court first thing tomorrow morning and I want to make sure I am wel prepared."
"Okay," I said, moving around him to get out eggs and milk.
"You had a good day yesterday," he said, poking his head out of the doorway to check on Lucas.
"Yes, I did," I agreed. "My mom only irritated me a little bit."
"About what?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know." His forehead wrinkled as he thought about it, which I realized I found attractive. "It can't be your hair or your clothes. You looked amazing yesterday."
Damn it. I could feel my face glowing.
"Thanks," I said.
"Hmm. Oh," he said knowingly. "Your sex life."
"Bingo. She real y feels that it's one of those use it or lose it things, which made me wonder about her and my dad and that's when I decided to
have a drink."
"Yeah, no one wants to think of their parents getting it on."
"Oh, stop! Please!" I covered my ears while he shouted out sexual innuendos about my parents.
"Okay, okay, I'm done," he chuckled.
"My god, that was horrible."
"Now I'm curious."
"About what?" My eyes widened. "My parents? Gross!"
"No, dummy," he shook his head. "About you."
"What about me?" I asked, hoping he wasn't real y asking what I thought he was asking.
"Are you, you know, on the verge of 'losing it' from not using it?"
I tried to look indignant at such a question, but instead my expression only gave him his answer.
"I don't have time!" I said.
"There's always time."
"I am either with Lucas or at the office," I argued. "Like you have so much time on your hands for sex."
He checked on Lucas again and then leaned in the doorway and crossed his arms. His arms and abs looked yummy.
"I have made time," he said.
"When?"
Now he looked uncomfortable. "It doesn't matter when."
"Why not?"
"We don't need to discuss it anymore." He turned to leave, but I threw a big spoon at the back of his head.
"Luke, that's not fair! You started this conversation!"
"I know, but now I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?"
"Because. My answers wil make me look...dishonest."
I looked at him in confusion for a few seconds before it hit me. I pointed my spatula at him.
"Some of your late nights at the office were booty cal s!"
"Some, but not al ," he answered, looking at the floor.
"Oh my god!" I laughed because it helped dissolve the lump in my throat. "And when was the last time you got some?"
"If I answer, you have to answer the same question," he insisted.
I looked away, flipped some pancakes. I didn't want to play twenty questions anymore. I said "Don't answer" at the same time he answered with
"two weeks ago."
I stared down at the pancakes, feeling a pressure building in my chest. Luke has been sleeping with at least one woman, and while it shouldn't
have bothered me in the least and was even something I had expectations of at one time, things had changed and this revelation was hurtful.
"Now, your turn," he said from the doorway.
I put some pancakes on a plate and added more to the pan while he patiently waited for my answer.
"Almost a year and a half," I said quietly.
"You're kidding me."
"Nope."
Lucas yel ed for Luke, who reluctantly left the kitchen. I let out a big breath I didn't know I had been holding. I chastised myself for giving him that
information, making myself look ridiculous and hopeless.
I put Luke's breakfast on the dining room table and started out of the room.
"Aren't you eating?"
"I want to take a shower before you leave," I cal ed over my shoulder and shut the bedroom door behind me.
I took forever in the shower, unable to focus on the simple task of shaving my legs and nicked myself a few times. Washing my long hair always
took a while, but I would wake up from a daze with my hands unmoving in my soapy head. By the time I stepped into the bedroom in a towel, Luke
was dressed and tying his sneakers on the bed.
"Lucas crashed," he said. "Hopeful y he'l sleep this afternoon, too."
"Okay," I said. I started rooting around in drawers for something to wear.
"I'm sorry," Luke said from the doorway.
"For what?"
"I was real y insensitive a little while ago."
"It's fine," I shrugged.
"No, it's not fine, Emmy. I was an ass, and I'm sorry."
"Okay. Forgiven."
"Okay. I'l be back in a few hours, maybe around three."
"Take your time."
He walked out of the room but returned seconds later.
"I'm real y going to the office to work, nothing shiesty wil be going on. I promise."
"Luke, you don't owe me any explanations."
"I do, and I'l just be honest about it next time. So, there wil be no question about it in your head."
"I don't want to know," I said. I meant to sound firm, but instead I sounded like I was pleading, and in my mind I was. I didn't want to know every
time he was going to go fuck some girl.
He stood there staring at me, his mouth open. "I'm sorry."
"Dude, stop apologizing and go to work already," I forced a chuckle. "It's fine - I'm fine. Real y."
"Okay. I'l be home as soon as I'm done."
"Okay, okay." I waved him away, but he stood rooted to the floor. "What now?"
"I don't want you to think that you're not...attractive or desirable."
"Oh my god, Luke! Can you just go!"
"Because you are. You're probably hotter than ever before, but we just have so much...shit between us and we're not real y on the same page
and..."
"You know what? If it wil make you feel better, I wil go get laid tonight. I'm sure I can find a date. Then you won't feel so...weird, and you are
being real y, real y weird."
His face fel . "Sorry. I'm leaving." And with that, he final y left.
Weeks passed, but not without some smal changes. For example, one morning when Luke was leaving for work, he kissed Lucas on the head
as he always did. Without any hesitation, he kissed my cheek before going out the door. He did the same when he got home from work that day.
After that day, the kisses to the cheek became commonplace, even in the mornings as a greeting.
Then there was the hand holding. This started in the park one day. Luke carried Lucas, because Lucas was tired, cranky, and didn't want to
walk anymore. With his free hand, he took mine, in the middle of a conversation, so I didn't comment on it. Then I thought it would be rude to do so,
so I didn't. That, too became commonplace, not just in the park, but wherever we went together.
Luke stopped working late in the office, opting to bring home is work instead. I don't know if he just wanted to be home with Lucas, or if he was
trying to prove to me he wasn't sleeping around, but then I didn't think it mattered what I thought. We weren't a couple. I dismissed that line of reasoning and just assumed it was about Lucas and the creature comforts of home.
"We need to move," he said one night, trying to find room at the table for his papers. "We're outgrowing this apartment. We need a house,
where Lucas can play outside."
"Oh," I said. I never thought this far ahead. I never imagined leaving this apartment, but he was right. It was getting tight.
"I'l cal an agent tomorrow," he said, frustration laced throughout his voice.
"Can I get you something before I go to bed?"
"No, I'm fine. If I need anything, I can get it. Thanks."
I turned to go into the bedroom when a thought occurred to me.
"Luke, why don't you sleep in the bed tonight? You've been working your ass off and sleeping on a blow-up bed. It hardly seems fair."
"Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Grayne?"
I snickered. "I'm pretty sure my girly parts have withered up and turned to dust by now. I'm serious, though. Just come to bed when you're ready.
I can come out here."
"I'l think about it," he nodded slowly. "Goodnight." He took a few steps and kissed my cheek.
"Lata." I gave him the peace sign and disappeared into the bedroom.
I don't know what time it was when I felt Luke climb into bed next to me. I mumbled something about taking the couch, but his hand on my hip
restrained me.
"Does it bother you to sleep in the same bed as me?" He asked.
I looked over my shoulder at him. There was just enough moonlight seeping through the windows to highlight his facial features. The view was
stunning, so stunning I forgot what he asked.
"What did you say again?"
"Does it bother you to sleep in the same bed as me?"
"No. I thought it bothered
you
."
"Maybe in the beginning, but not for the reasons you would think."
I rol ed my head back to my pil ow. "I didn't put much thought into it."
For a little while, it was quiet. Only Lucas's soft snoring could be heard. Luke's hand stayed on my hip, unnerving me a little.
"I want to ask you something, and I want you to be straight with me."
I rol ed over onto my back so I could look at him. He readjusted his hand so that it rested on my bel y and propped up his head with his other
hand.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Did Kyle hit you?"
I held my breath for a moment, tried not to look as startled as I felt. "Why are you asking me that?"
"You al uded to it months ago. You said something about being used and abused, and then when I asked you about your last day in Phil y, you
said you didn't want to talk about it."
"That doesn't mean anything," I said, feeling cornered.
"Yeah, I knew you would react this way, so I talked to your mom and Mayson."
"What the fuck," I muttered. I rol ed away from him and out of bed. He fol owed me into the living room, talking.
"Mayson said you came back from a trip to Miami with a broken wrist, and the day after the cast was off you were walking around with that
fancy bracelet. You told her you fel while you were drunk, but she didn't believe you, and she especial y didn't believe you after you started wearing
the bracelet. She thought it was some kind of compensation from Kyle probably breaking your wrist."
"Mayson is a crazy bitch. You can't believe anything she says," I snarled.
"That's cruel and wrong and you know it," he said firmly.
I kept walking away from him, but he kept fol owing me.
"Your mom said she didn't even know about the broken wrist until I asked her today. You gave her a different story about the bracelet. She also
said you cal ed her a little after midnight New Years and told her you were going to be there later in the day. You got there a day late, claiming you
were in a car accident to explain away the fresh bruises on your face, on your arms, and even on your back."
I stared at him in horror. Every day I had to work on eradicating those memories from my head. I kept only enough as a reminder of the things