warm breeze. She sat down beside me, held my hand, and touched my face.
“It’s going to be fine,” she said softly.
“I did the math,” I said, looking at her final y. “Luke hates me, mom, and I don’t know how Kyle is going to feel about raising someone else’s kid.”
There. I put it out there, even though I was sure she already knew it.
“Luke doesn’t hate you, honey.”
“Yes, he does, and I don’t blame him.”
“Emmy,” She said firmly. “Luke does not hate you.” She said it with such assurance, I suddenly became suspicious.
“How do you know?” I whispered. “You know something and you’re not tel ing me.”
She sighed, stared at the floor for a moment, as if she was thinking about how to tel me something, which bothered me. My mom was so blunt
and never had a filter, so I couldn’t imagine what would make her hesitate to open her big mouth now.
“I talk to him every now and then,” she said, with another sigh.
“You
what
?” I started to stand up, but she firmly pushed me back down.
“You two broke up, and I was honestly real y concerned for his sister Lena, you know because of the cancer.”
After my trip to Chicago with Luke, my mom went out of her way to introduce herself to Luke’s family. I mean she
really
went out of her way. It
started with phone cal s and letters (my mom is computer stupid), and when Luke and I went again for just a long weekend, my mom tagged along.
She charmed his parents, gained the trust and admiration of his sisters, and wooed the children with gifts and her grandmotherly ways. When I told
her we broke up and that Luke didn’t want any contact between the families, I thought she had ceased speaking to them. Apparently I was wrong.
“Wait. You were al owed to have communication with his family, but I wasn’t?” The idea hurt me to the core. It was like I was being cut off from
my own mother in a way, and of course I had real y fel in love with his family, and I had never quite gotten over losing them.
“Not at first. He wouldn’t tel me what happened, but you know I already knew. I’m old, but not stupid,” she gave me a knowing look. “I had to
promise not to tel you, and I had a big problem with that, but then…” she suddenly looked so sad. “You’re never here. You barely cal anymore, so I
didn’t see where I would real y have the opportunity to tel you anyway, and the truth is I real y couldn’t turn my back on that family.”
I blinked back tears, knowing that she was right. I sucked at being a daughter, just as badly as I had sucked at being a good girlfriend to Luke,
especial y when he was going through so much. I wanted to be angry, but I couldn’t find it in me to be angry when I knew that my mom was doing
what she does best when her stupid mouth wasn’t in the way, caring for other people and their needs.
“Is Lena…” I couldn’t bring myself to ask the question.
“She’s doing as wel as we can hope for. Their father passed away last month, though. Your dad and I flew up there for the services, helped pay
for some of the expenses.”
“That’s so sad,” I felt bad for Luke and wished that I could have been in my mom’s position to go see and comfort him. “So, how do you know he
doesn’t hate me?”
Again, she looked as if she didn’t want to release some information to me. Guardedly, she said “He’s hurting, and he’s sometimes bitter, but
never hateful. It’s going to take some time…”
“Mom, you can’t tel him.” I squeezed her hands. “You’re stil holding secrets from me and I’m your kid. You have to keep this from him.”
“Why don’t you want him to know?”
“I don’t think that it wil help anything right now. Mom, please!”
“Okay…” she was reluctant to withhold the information from him.
“Besides, until there’s some DNA testing done, we can’t know for sure. You can always use that as an excuse if it comes up later.”
"I won't say anything, Emmy.," she sighed.
“Thanks,” I stood up. “I’m going to go pack.”
“You want your ultra sound picture?” she offered it to me.
“No.”
I dragged myself upstairs to my room and threw myself onto the bed. I should have felt better after the conversation with my mom, but I felt
worse. I felt as if I had thousands of pounds of weight sitting on my chest. I couldn’t find an ounce of happiness about the situation. I wasn’t sure what
it meant for me and Kyle, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do in a few months when the baby was born. Would I be waiting around for Kyle to
leave Jess stil , while caring for a baby? Or would I be alone, with no father around at al ? I know there were single parents in the world, but I never
ever thought that I had whatever they have inside of them to do it. I wasn’t even sure if I would be a decent parent
with
someone else. I felt that no
matter what, I was going to fail. I mean I couldn’t even figure out I was pregnant! How was I going to raise a child?
If I had paid attention to my symptoms, I probably would have figured it out sooner. What I thought was an extended case of a stomach virus
soon after Luke’s departure was probably morning sickness. The morning sickness slowed down, but at least once a day I had the urge to vomit. I
thought it was anxiety, as wel as the fluttering in my bel y. The sleepiness I had been feeling, I thought was a result of the busy season at work. My
sudden extreme interest in bacon and cheese curls (together) should have been a clue, but I didn’t think it was weird at al . While my face and hips
had definitely gathered some extra weight, I thought my slightly rounded face was attractive and as for my hips, I thought maybe I had to cool it on
the bacon; however, the fact that the weight sat mostly at my midline didn’t even hint to me that there could be something growing in there. I figured
when the busy season was over, I would spend more time at the gym, and covered up in bigger clothes. I was so freaking stupid.
I packed my suitcase for my early morning flight, and went downstairs for some dinner. I hoped there was bacon in it.
***
work the fol owing morning, and he didn’t text or cal to let me know he was coming. I was laying on the living room couch, with the television on,
absent mindedly rubbing my bel y. The fluttering had begun again, and now I knew it wasn’t anxiety, but fetal movement. I didn’t even hear the door
open, and I wasn’t sure how long he watched me before letting me know he was there by saying my name.
Automatical y, my hand flew away from my bel y and my head snapped back to look at him standing in the entrance way. I tried to sit up, but
learned I couldn’t do that as quickly and easily as I had in the past. How did I not notice these things before?
“I wasn’t expecting you,” I said.
“I know.” One thing Kyle was not, was stupid. Where some men would probably think that I had a stomach ache or ate too much, I could almost
see Kyle’s thoughts. He knew, and I didn’t have to break the news to him.
He stood where I found him, staring at me, and I stared back. Either of us knew what to say. After several uncomfortable seconds had passed, I
final y spoke, to break the ice.
“A pretty good number of girls in my family are pregnant or just recently had a baby. I didn’t know it was
really
contagious.”
“It’s like the fart touch,” he said, and final y we had an open dialogue for this momentous conversation.
“It doesn’t matter to me. I already love this baby like my own, and we’re going to raise him together, as a family.”
Kyle had said that a month ago, the night he returned from Fiji, and found out I was pregnant. I had suggested a DNA test and explained why,
but he had objected. He was disturbingly excited about the news, and started spewing off al kinds of plans for our expected child. I couldn’t take it
anymore and cut him off.
“Yeah, you know we’re going to have a great time,” I said with obviously fake enthusiasm. “You, me, the baby, and Jessyca.”
He bit his lip, glaring at me as if I had just said the most offensive thing in the world.
“Give me some credit, Em, wil you? Jessyca isn’t going to have anything to do with our family.”
“I real y want to believe that, but I’ve been an idiot for al of this time.”
“Here we go,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air. “You know why things have had to be this way.”
“That does not make it okay!” I banged my fist on the table, making the plate holding my hot bacon rattle. I took a deep breath, and a piece of
bacon. “My point is, I have a hard time believing you’re going to do what you say you’re going to do, and I don’t know if I want to wait for it to
happen.”
“So, what…you’re just going to cut me out of your life?” he asked.
“I would rather be alone, depending on no one, than to depend on someone who is clearly undependable.”
“You’ve given up on me – on us.” It was not a question, but a wel -placed guess.
“Every day that I have to share you with Jess, I lose more and more of myself. I’m so knotted up inside from this relationship, Kyle, I’m not sure if
it can ever be fixed.”
He stared at me stupidly, speechless.
“You get so pissed off when I make comments about your lack of action, but that’s real y not fair. I’m the one who should be pissed off, and if I
were the old Emmy, I wouldn’t be standing here with you, like at al . You don’t understand, Kyle, you are
breaking
me,” I choked on the last few
words, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears and sobs.
Stupid hormones.
He held me for a long time, murmuring empty promises into my hair, begging for my patience and understanding, and insisting that the triangle
would soon be dissolved and we would be able to get on with our lives. I know that he believed what he was saying, and that he real y thought that
things were going to change now, but I didn’t have any faith in his words, and it was harder to admit the truth than to delude myself.
A week passed, two weeks, and then final y a month. It was almost New Years and nothing changed. Kyle said he was trying to settle some
business connections before he severed his relationship with Jess. From a business perspective, I understood, I real y did. From a personal
perspective, though, I simply saw it as another delay, another link in the chain that kept me bound to him.
I didn’t visit my parents for Christmas because I had plans with Kyle, which he significantly altered at the last minute. I didn’t bother to make
New Years plans with him, and instead tried to make plans with my parents, but they were going to Chicago. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but
my mom “slipped” in conversation. She offered to stay home or to come see me so I wouldn’t be alone, but I lied to her, tel ing her I wouldn’t be
alone, that I would be okay.
I was feeling more and more depressed about my situation, and I thought of Luke a lot more than I ever had in the past. I wondered if there
would ever be a day when I didn’t think of him, now that I was going to have his flesh and blood with me for the rest of my life. I was losing sleep, this
time with actual anxiety, not just the fluttering of the active child growing inside of me. My appetite was lacking, bacon and cheese curls wasn’t even
doing it for me anymore. When I should have been gaining a little bit of weight, I was dropping it. I was always good at hiding my emotions in public,
especial y at work, but I was so overwhelmed, so weighed down by it al , I didn’t have the strength anymore to put up appearances. It was also
becoming impossible to hide my swel ing bel y, and I knew that people were looking at me, wondering first, what the hel was wrong with me, why I
looked so miserable, and second, who the father was.
My work started to suffer, so much that Kyle delegated most of my tasks to Eliza, and delegated her tasks to the assistants I had hired. I didn’t
even know why I was showing up anymore, I barely did anything. So, one day when Walter Sterling cal ed me to his office, I real y thought that he
was going to fire me, or take away my position and put me back in the mailroom.
"Would you like a drink, Emmy?" Mr. Sterling asked, pouring himself a drink.
In the past, I wouldn't have dreamed of accepting a drink from him, in his office. I would have been ridiculously professional, stiff as his drink.
But that was then. I couldn’t drink the alcohol, I had done enough of that before I knew I was pregnant, just another thing to worry about. Had I damaged my baby? Eric couldn’t give me a positive answer.
"I’l have water," I answered.
"Wel , that's different."
He handed me a glass of cold water, and silently we watched the streets below out of his floor to ceiling, wal to wal window.
"How is your family?" He asked.
"Fine, I suppose."
"Did you see them on Christmas?"
"No."
We stood in silence again for a minute or so. I thought about leaving, but Walter Sterling didn't cal me to his office to look out of the window and
ask me stupid questions.
"You have been having an affair with Kyle for, hmm...about a year now." And there it is. He said it so casual y, we could have been speaking
about the weather.
"About a year," I confirmed, stil watching the streets below. "Another water, please." I held out my empty glass, but he was reluctant to take it. I was wel aware of the irony of the situation. I should have been catering to him, not the other way around and we both knew it, but he said nothing
and refil ed my glass.
"I real y like you, you know, Emmy. You are the best administrative assistant in this building. I gave you to Kyle because I knew he needed you