Accidentally on Purpose (34 page)

"It's a little sad," I admitted. "But I don't fit there anymore, not even with my friends and my family. I felt like an outsider in Belmar. Truth be told, I feel like an outsider almost anywhere." I didn't mean to get so deep, the words just tumbled out, and now I had a lump in my throat. Sometimes I can

be so lame.

"You're crazy. Everyone loves you. My mom loves you like a daughter and my sisters love you like a sister. Your own family..." He hesitated,

because he knew he couldn't begin to fudge that one. Emmet and I had grown close since his move to Chicago, but my other siblings remained

emotional y and personal y distant. Even my relationship with my father wasn't like it was when I was a kid. I don't even need to elaborate on my

mother.

"I have you and I have Lucas," I said. "But...I don't know. It's not that you two aren't enough..."

"We're not, but I understand. You need to talk to your mom. Talk
to
her, not
at
her. Speak, don't yel ."

"Blah," I said.

The next morning I pul ed my mom outside again. I was so calm and cool when I told her about Kyle, but when I started tel ing her about how I felt

about her and our relationship, I felt my blood boiling beneath my layers of skin. When I was done with my spiel (after many interruptions), she

sighed and slumped back in her seat.

"You're my favorite, you know," she said.

"Let's not tel lies, mother."

"I'm not lying. You're everything I wished I could have been when I was young."

"A weak, cheating, man-stealing, heart-breaking, under achieving, single mom?"

"No. A strong, independent, beautiful, resourceful, successful, wonderful mother."

"What are you talking about, mom? You got everything you've ever wanted, right? A husband, children, a nice home, and a great figure."

"Those are al very nice things," she said with a smal shrug. "But I sometimes wish that I would have waited a little while before doing al of that.

Long before Lucas was even a thought, you had traveled the world, climbed mountains, swam in distant seas, had a successful career, and

experienced love and sex in ways a woman who gets married at nineteen wil never experience."

Yuck!

"I thought you were happy," I said, suddenly concerned she was going to go through a mid-life crisis twenty years too late and divorce my dad

and date someone a little older than Lucas.

"I
am
happy. I'm very happy, but that doesn't mean I don't have my regrets."

"If I'm everything you wish you were, then why do you hassle me so much? I have daydreams about shoving you off of cliffs or drowning you in

gelatin."

Her eyes turned to the lake. The slight wrinkle in her forehead told me she was trying to find the right words to use. At least she was thinking

before speaking.

"Sometimes I think you're not being the best you can be," she started, turning her attention back to me. "Sometimes it seems like you want to

blend in with everyone else and be ordinary, but you're not ordinary. You stand out in a crowd, you always have. It's not that you don't fit, honey.

You're just too dumb sometimes to see that you're the center piece, and the rest of us are trying to fit around
you.

"So, maybe I do hassle you sometimes. Some of it is typical mom stuff, you'l understand when Lucas is older, but sometimes I know you are

better than the things you sometimes do. And I'm just a little crazy, so I suppose I'l always annoy the hel outta ya."

"Guess what, Lucas?" I cooed, as we walked down the hal way to our apartment. "We're home!"

I slipped the key in and opened the door. Lucas ran in ahead of me while I struggled with our luggage.

"Daddy!" I heard him screech.

"Hey, buddy! I'm so surprised to see you!" Luke exclaimed and I heard the "Muah" of a kiss being planted somewhere on our son. A second

later, Luke appeared in the hal way, carrying Lucas. They were both grinning ear to ear.

"Surprise," I said, trying to drag in a suitcase.

"I
am
surprised. I wasn't expecting you guys for a few more days." He stepped over a couple of bags to give me a quick kiss on the lips.

"We were homesick, weren't we Lucas?"

"Homethicks," he agreed.

Lucas and I piled into the rental we had picked up in Jersey, and started back to Chicago a few days after my talk with my mom. I real y was

homesick, missing the sounds and sights of Chicago, the craziness of Lorraine's house during family functions, and of course Grace's apple pie.

And I missed Luke. Since our "make-up" phone cal , I felt like a teenager again, sending love notes during the work day, but spending hours on

the phone at night. I had a perpetual smile on my face and when we weren't talking, I often found myself recal ing our latest conversations and

reawakening the butterflies in my stomach.

Unlike being a teenager, there was nothing stopping me from rejoining Luke in Chicago. No interference from parents or jealous friends and

money wasn't an issue. So, one night after another long, heart palpitating phone cal , I packed up the rental and we left the next morning.

"I'm real y glad you're home," Luke said later that night after Lucas was in bed.

We were in the living room, trying to organize the mess I brought from the east coast and the gulf, but after a half hour we gave up and col apsed on the couch.

"I'm glad to be home," I smiled at him.

"Did you ever talk to your mom?"

"Yes, and it went surprisingly wel ."

I told him about the conversation, including the drowning her in gelatin part.

"Why gelatin?" Luke asked.

"Why
not
gelatin?"

"Gelatin is tasty."

"Gelatin is scary."

"What? You don't like gelatin?" He looked at me as if I had grown a third eye.

"Not even when it has vodka in it."

"Oh. My. God. I'm in love with a gelatin hater. Not even strawberry gelatin?"

"Nope."

"Grape?"

"No."

"Cherry?"

"Are you deaf? I don't like the stuff."

"I'm insulted," he said, shaking his head. "I can't marry you now. I can't marry someone who doesn't share my love of gelatin."

"Damn. I guess I'l have to marry Tom Cruise instead."

"He's crazy. He won't let you take an aspirin if you get a headache, and he's married to Joey from
Dawson's Creek
."

"She has a real name. It's not Joey Potter."

"Whatever. You can't marry Tom Cruise."

"I think this is simultaneously the most ridiculous and most serious conversation we've ever had," I said. "I don't like Jel -O and you wear stripes, and I think that is far more offensive, but I'l stil marry you despite the stripes."

I pushed myself off of the couch and went to bed. As I lay there, listening to Luke moving around the kitchen, I had to cover my mouth to keep

from giggling. We just had a conversation about marriage using stripes and gelatin as a cover up for the fact that we were talking about marriage.

Luke proposed through Jel -O and I accepted through stripes. The idiocy of it al had me shaking with excited, silent laughter.

When the bedroom door opened, I covered my head with a pil ow to hide the stupid grin on my face and took deep breaths to quel my laughter.

After a moment, the pil ow was ripped away from me and I could see Luke's face over mine clearly thanks to moonlight shining through the spaces

in the blinds.

"What's so funny?" He whispered.

"We are," I said and then pul ed him into a kiss.

Again, I felt young, as we made love with giggling, laughter, and absolute delight. And when it was over and Luke was nearly asleep, I

whispered a secret into his ear that I had been holding onto for days.

A year has passed, and life is good, most of the time. My father had a heart attack, but is recovering wel . My mom spends most of her time in

Louisiana now, happily caring for the love of her life. She stil invokes my most violent tendencies when I have the pleasure of her company, or when

I'm stupid enough to answer her phone cal s.

Lucas is giving us the true meaning of Terrible Twos, with tantrums, disobedient behavior and his inability to sit stil for even two minutes. I

never knew that I had so much patience. My mother tel s me that I was horrible at Lucas's age, and on a real y crazy day, I can almost forgive her for

being the person she is today. Almost.

We bought a house in a Chicago suburb, a few weeks after I returned. It has five bedrooms, two and a half baths, a family room, a formal dining

room, a huge back yard, and al of the other normal parts of a house. The travel time to the firm isn't horrible and we're near Lorraine, Lena, Emmet,

and Grace. Now our home is used just as much as Lorraine's. It's often ful of family and friends, children and good food and drink.

I've made new friends, and though none of them can replace my old friends, they are good, reliable, and fun women. Donya, Mayson, and

Tabitha keep in touch regular, with the occasional visit, and I've accepted that they're al able to be good friends without me.

After three months on the market, the property my bar was on was sold. Kyle bought it. He didn't contact me directly, but contacted Luke.

Apparently, he ran into my old barmaid, Lil y. After several conversations, they decided to go into business together and open a sports bar.

By the time Kyle cal ed, Luke had already known about what had happened that New Year's night. I imagine that it took an unfathomable

amount of self-control for Luke to remain professional and civilized. He dealt with his anger alone, because I wasn't made aware about any of their

meetings until the deal was about to close. The way Luke handled the situation made me love him that much more. Even Kyle's actions were

admirable. He apologized to Luke for his treatment of me and insisted on keeping their meetings quiet so not to add any unnecessary stress on

me.

I was curious about a lot of things, like if Kyle was going to quit Sterling Corp, if he was stil clean, and especial y if he and Lil y were dating.

Maybe later, I'l make a phone cal and find out. Then again, maybe not. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't real y matter.

For the record, the money that I took from Jessbitch and Walter Sterling was donated to shelters across the country that catered to women and

children that are victims of domestic violence. Luke said the money was dirty, and using it for our own personal needs and entertainment would be

equal y dirty. I, personal y, have no problem getting dirty. I feel that I deserve the money, but I real y didn't need it, and I didn't want to fight about it.

Only less than two weeks after the gelatin and stripes proposal, the proposal became real, with a diamond ring. Of course I said yes. We were

married four months later, in front of al of our family and friends. We skipped a honeymoon for the time being. Luke was very busy at the firm and

we were stil trying to get settled into our new home.

The secret I had whispered into Luke's ear that long ago night bloomed into a beautiful baby girl named Kaitlyn. She, too looked exactly like

Luke. Lucas is in love with his baby sister, cal ing her Kaywen, the best he could do for a two year old. He watched her sleep, he watched her eat,

but he ran away screaming whenever there was a poopy diaper.

Like I said, life is good, most of the time. I argue with my husband, and I am daily tempted to tie my two year old boy to a chair. My house gets

out of control with toys and baby items, and I sometimes realize I haven't showered in a couple of days. Sleep eludes me and tequila is out of the

question with a breast feeding baby, but I am final y completely happy. My life makes sense and my many mistakes have been left in the past. God

knows I'l make a thousand more before I die at an old, ripe age.

Every day I am thankful for Luke, the real love of my life, my Prince Charming, my rescuer. He saved me from my biggest enemy: myself. Parts

of me are stil broken and cracked, but my children and Luke keep me grounded, and heal me with their constant love and affection.

And let's face it. I am my mother's daughter. I supposed I wil always be a bit cracked...

~The End~

"Hey, you." I was sitting alone at a restaurant bar when someone sat beside me and said that. I was prepared to blow him off, but when I looked

up, I instantly recognized the man behind the voice.

His name was Leo. I went to high school with him and haven't seen him since I was in col ege. He had dated my former best friend off and on

throughout high school and beyond. I was so shocked to see him hundreds of miles away from where we had grown up, I could only stare at him.