ACV's 1 Operation Black Gold (14 page)

‘Bash on, but if you’re fussy and want a clean cup, you’ll have to hunt for one.’ 

‘Lovely there may be a clean one left in the hallway.’

He turned to leave but Lt Bryce snapped to her feet.  ‘Oh you,’ if looks could kill.  ‘I will get one for you sir.’  She smiled sweetly at him and rushed out.  We watched her leave.  She was as attractive from the rear as she was from the front.

‘You’re AP aren’t you?’

‘Yes that’s right, when I heard you were coming in I couldn’t resist coming down to meet you.’

His handshake was firm and cool; it felt good to meet him at last.  ‘It’s a pleasure but where the hell did you come from.’

‘Oh I have been here a while just listening.’

‘You must be very good at your job, it’s not often someone gets that close to me before I notice.’

‘Why are you physic?’

‘No, just hairy.’  That brought forth a delighted guff of laughter.  ‘You don’t cast a big shadow.’

‘In my younger days that would have meant something entirely different but in this case I’ll take it as a compliment.  When you detected my presence there I almost thought I’d lost my touch.’

‘Believe me you haven’t.’

‘Well thank you for that old man, but say, would you like a friendly piece of advice.’

‘Fire away.’

‘Well officers and gentlemen don’t usually stare at other officers tittys, if you know what I mean, it isn’t considered quite polite you know.’

‘Aye well I’m afraid I’m pretty new to this game yet, but I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it.’

‘I’m sure you will.’  He smiled.

‘Saying that they kind ó took me by surprise.’

‘Yes, they do have a tendency to do that don’t they.’  We were grinning like a pair of schoolboys.  ‘Unfortunately she seems to be getting sick of everyone noticing.  Tell me do you get on well with women.’

‘No, I sighed, afraid not.’

‘Oh dear you aren’t married then.’

‘I was once but it didn’t last very long.’

‘What happened?’ 

‘After a couple of years I couldn’t stand the sight of her so I binned her.’

‘You don’t mince your words do you,’ he chuckled.

‘Afraid not.’  My eyes zeroed in on the door as I sensed movement.

‘Someone coming?’

‘Could be.’  The door opened and she returned baring a tray, fresh pot of tea the lot.

‘Have you ever thought of changing your job?’  He asked.

‘Thought I just had.’

‘Over here Samantha dear.’  He moved a few tables away to give us some privacy.  She made a veritable fuss over him and flushed with pleasure as he praised her with flowery eloquence.  I envied him that easy manner.

When she re-joined me, I could see she wasn’t going to let things slide.  ‘Where were we, oh aye Timbuktu wasn’t it?’ 

‘I could always try and find somewhere further.’  She answered in that sweet little way only women can.

I managed to keep hold of my tongue, and decided to try again.  ‘No I think Timbuktu will do just fine.  So what do I call you?’

‘I think Ma’am will do nicely after all I do outrank you.’ 

OK! I thought; fuck the diplomacy.  ‘I tell you what why don’t we take a couple of minutes here to clear the air a little.’

‘OK.’

‘Ladies first.’

‘No you first, ladies prerogative to have the last word.’

‘OK tell me, are those real or are you just another rich bitch with plastic tits.’  Her jaw dropped and the old geezer choked on his tea. 

‘What?’

‘Are they real?’

‘Of course they,’ she jumped to her feet.  ‘How dare you, you pig.’

If I had been called that once.  The malicious grin that crossed my face didn’t help her temper either.  She launched into a scathing attack on the male population in general.  I egged her on with a few well-placed remarks but I think it was the one about women making half-decent field mattresses that finally broke the camel’s back.  The sound of the slap rang round the near empty room.  Now I’ve been slapped, punched, kicked by women many times for my cheek and reacted in my normal fashion.  I burst out laughing; the look of horror on her face almost had me in hysterics.  Slapping a junior officer was a grave offence in her world, in mine it meant nothing.

‘Feel better now,’ I asked once I was able to compose myself.

She thought about it for a second or two.  ‘A little.’

‘Most excellent, sit down, let’s start again shall we.’

‘OK.’

‘Good, first I’d like to apologies for looking at you the way I did, but I’m afraid that’s just the devil in me.  If ye catch me doing it again, just give me another belting.  I’m sure I’ll get the message in the end OK.’

‘Eh, yes all right.’

‘Fine, secondly you’ll never have to worry about me trying to lay my hands on you, you’re so far out of my league lassie, I wouldn’t insult you by trying.’  Her eyes lit up with surprise at that statement.  ‘Next point, you are nobody’s go for, you are here because you know how to get things done and probably good at it.  I’m not; I’m a thinker a problem solver.  I can find a solution to most things however; the practical application of those solutions is beyond me.  If they weren’t I’d probably be a millionaire by now.’  I could see she didn’t believe that.  ‘Finally, I can count on one hand the number of people I call sir or madam and I don’t have to use all my fingers either.  Off me that’s something, you have to earn.  Now my friends call me Jim, among other things, so Jim would be nice, but anything’s acceptable OK.’

‘OK I suppose you’d better call me Sam then.’

‘In that case Sam let’s get to work shall we.’ 

We finished our coffee looking through a number of locations she had dug out of the mandatory briefcase.  A couple I rejected out of hand the rest we would have to look over.  ‘Can you arrange transport?’

‘Already laid on all we have to do is pick it up.’

‘Brilliant!  Pack up and we’ll head off.  I need a piss first, be back in a minute.’

‘That door over there.’

‘OK thanks.’  I took my TOS from my pocket where it had been digging in.  She saw the scorch marks and snatched it off me.

‘Oh what happened to this,’ she asked inspecting the damage.  ‘It smells of cordite.’

‘Och aye that, it’s just a gunshot.’

‘Is it on an old one you’ve kept as a memento?’

‘No, that happened yesterday.’

‘Are you trying to tell me someone shot at you yesterday?’

‘That’s the one.’  I snatched it back and headed for the toilet.

‘You’re liar,’ she shouted after me.

‘Of course I am,’ I shouted back.

By the time I’d given up fighting with the automat and dried my hands on my jacket, the old general had put her straight on a few things.

‘You’re a nutter,’ she accused.  ‘Don’t do anything like that again.’

‘OK.’  I agreed just to keep the peace.  Women are weird she actually seemed concerned.  Half an hour ago, she would have pulled the trigger herself.  We said our goodbyes to the old general and headed for the door but weren’t destined to make it out just yet.

A piercing squeal came from behind the bar, the poof was back and he had brought his boyfriend back for protection.  ‘That’s him,’ it screeched to the tall dark haired Captain.

‘Aw shit, let’s get to fuck out of here Sam.’

‘What, but that’s….’

‘Nae buts, just leg it.’

The captain was patting his boyfriend’s shoulder in a placating manner and was whispering in his ear.  ‘Hey you with the hair.’

‘Come on move.’  Sam was trying to stop while I propelled her forward with a hand on her shoulder.

‘Wait.’

‘Move.’

‘Hey you.’  It came rushing out from the bar.  His tartan trews were on so tight it must have hurt to move that fast.  ‘Unhand my fiancé.’

I heard the swish of a cane and moved aside but not quite fast enough.  It caught me across the knuckles and cracked down Samantha’s shoulder blade.  Her Squeal of pain galvanized me.  Before I could think, I had turned and thrust both hands against his chest.  He shot back across the room landing on his arse.  To give him his due he was on his feet before I reached him but it was still too late.  The evil black blade slid right up his crotch, now it was his turn to squeal.

The old fella was fast on his way to intervene but crashed to a halt when I spoke.

‘Listen to me you big brown holing bastard.  I dislike gays intensely, so if you ever strike a woman in my presence again accidentally or otherwise,’ I slid the blade back an inch parting the tight material easily to a delightful squeal, ‘I’ll make you the passive partner, capiche.’

He supported a moustache identical to that of his partner; it must have been an ID badge among the local fraternity.  ‘Keep-keep away from my fiancé,’ he managed breathlessly.

I on the other hand had misunderstood him.  ‘Believe me I have no intentions of going near your little bum chum again.’

‘Not-not….’

‘Not him, me,’ squealed Sam making a contorted effort to rub her shoulder.

‘Whit!’  The information sank in and enraged me.  ‘Oh god’, bile rose in my throat.  ‘It was twisted filth like you that spread aids among the heterosexual population in the last century.  I hope you had the decency to disinfect your dick afore ye went near her.’

‘You beast,’ she interrupted.  ‘He is not like that, he is a gentlemen he doesn’t- we don’t- a -,’ Sam stopped shouting as thought replaced anger.

I caught the old general’s eye; they were as hard as mine for some reason.  He nodded.  The captain fella on the other hand was trying to protest his innocence. 

‘Not gay, eh.’  I whispered at him, ‘Let’s test that theory shall we.  Oh Martin’, I called, ‘What say you that I cut off your friends dick here.’

He was chewing on a bar cloth near sick with terror.  I gave the knife a sharp vicious twist and received the desired response.  It bit completely through the tight material and caught on something silky.  Martin shot off from behind the bar squealing.

‘Piggly, piggly, not piggly.’  He landed on his knees half a meter away in a begging posture still clinging onto the cloth.  ‘Oh please no, don’t hurt piggly, please.’

Sam’s face had turned from shock to horror then disgust. 

‘Piggly eh, ah well.’  I took a step back drawing the knife through the silky material.  It was amazing the rising screams from three throats didn’t bring anyone running.  I checked the blade for blood it was clean, thank god.  For all my bravado, I would have hated to cut the man.  I took another step back to admire my handiwork and for a second thought, I had cut him, but it was only the gawping red lips of some kind of cami-knickers.  Between them nestled the most obscene set of lily white hairless and immature genitalia I’d ever seen in my life,

Yuk.  ‘Well well would you look at that, every fairy’s dream.  I bet you don’t have to use a lot ó Vaseline with that one Martin.’

‘You’re just an animal.’  It screeched at me from where he was now, wrapped round his lovers leg inspecting his little piggly for damage with a thoroughness that was disgusting.  The captain fellow started to come down from wherever he had been.  Realizing what his partner was doing and tried to stop him.

‘Captain Pierce.’  An ice-cold voice shot across the room, the old fella was really showing his metal now.  ‘I believe I may require a word with you.’

The luckless captain turned on his companion.  ‘You bloody fool Martin.’  He shoved him away.

‘Enough.’  The voice cracked in.

There was something else going on here I didn’t know about, but I was ready when Martin made a mad dash for the door.  I caught him by the throat and held him.  There was definitely something strange going on.  The army on the whole was fairly sympathetic towards gays these days, probably even more so in officer circles.  I decided to even up his face and removed the rest of his moustache in one deft stroke, not quite as neat as the other side but ah well.  I shoved him back brutally.  He landed heavily, curled into a ball, and began to cry.  I was effectively guarding them now, weird.

‘Samantha, Sam.’ she turned away from her fiancé with a look of disgust.  He turned on me.  ‘I’ve got friends in high places.’  He threatened trying to conceal his bits.

‘Bet my friends are bigger than yours,’ I shot back bitchily.

‘Believe me Mr. Murison, they are.’  The old general interrupted before speaking into a small pocket phone.  That surprised me.  ‘Graham, yes, I need you in the officers mess straight away with an armed escort and alert the G3 team, what, yes a big one, well sort of.  No not ASAP now, OK, goodbye.’