Adam (5 page)

The hurt expression on her face hit him in the gut.

“Why? Am I repulsive to you?” Her words pushed him into a self-loathing he hadn’t felt since Bianca.

“No.” The acid in his gut roiled and he fought to keep the memories of his pain and loss at bay.

“Then what the hell is going on here?” Keelee backed away from him and crossed her arms across her breasts.

Adam groaned. “Listen, this is really fucked up, I just can’t do this…”

Keelee grabbed a flannel shirt and shrugged it on. Her lips pinched tight and she turned her back on him. “I… I thought you liked me.”

Oh, just fucking kill me now.

He stepped forward and put his hand on her shoulder. “It’s not that I don’t like you.” God, even to his own ears that sounded pathetic. “I’m not going—”

“Yeah, right. Don’t bother. I get your message loud and clear. Sorry I forced myself on you. Don’t worry, Dr. Cassidy. That will never happen again.” She shrugged off his hand and stepped away from him, but he reached out for her again.

“Damn it! Listen, I’m not going to be your ticket out of Hicksville…”

She spun around, hands on hips. “What?”

“I get you’re searching for something, but I won’t be your free ride out of here.”

“You think I want… that I would… use you? Like that? Why the hell would I want to leave?”

“It’s been done before.” The sneer in his voice came from a pain he couldn’t hide.

“
Excuse
me? We haven’t known each other long but you should know me well enough by now to realize I’m not that type of woman. Even if I wanted to expand my horizons, I don’t need a
man
to get me out of ‘Hicksville’.”

“Look, maybe you’re
not pandering for a ticket out, but even if you aren’t, I’m
not searching for a relationship and
you
are definitely a relationship waiting to happen. I’m nothing but a transient in this job. I don’t have any roots and I don’t have any intention of putting any down, so if this…” he circled the air with his hand, “…is your Nirvana, you’d be better off hooking your cart to someone who’d be happy here.”

“What? What does that even mean?” Keelee’s gaping expression frustrated him to the point of anger.

“You! You don’t have what it takes to survive my world, baby. You’re a tough woman, sure, but you’d never make it in my world and I won’t live in yours. I can’t. I have obligations outside my commitments to my team. I’ve got to be aware of the big picture here and no matter how much I want you, this?” He motioned between the two of them. “This will never happen. Period.”

“Oh, you are so right. This? This is done. Forever. Don’t worry, Dr. Cassidy, believe me, this country bumpkin doesn’t have to be told twice. Get out.” Her hands shook as she held the shirt closed around her and pointed towards the door.

Adam pivoted on his foot and slammed the door on the way out.
Fuck. This. Shit.

*

Four months later:

Why am I still thinking about him? Why, after all this time, why do I still torture myself?
“Oh, you are so right. This? This is done. Forever. Don’t worry Dr. Cassidy, believe me this country bumpkin doesn’t have to be told twice. Get out.”
The last words she ever spoke to him were etched in her memory. As were the feelings of shame and morbid humiliation she’d felt that day when the full impact of his comments had registered. After almost four months, you’d think she’d be able to put it behind her. Yet the vivid memory lived as if the events had happened yesterday. Today, the words and feelings slapped her in the face again as she hung up the phone after talking with her sister.

When the men left the ranch, they went on a mission. Keelee didn’t know the details, but from what she was told, everything went wrong. Several members of the team were missing, including Tori’s husband and Doc. Tori’s call today was a godsend. They’d been found.

Talk about regrets. Before the team left, Keelee had ensured there wasn’t an opportunity to be alone with Doc. His accusations and insinuations had hurt her. The idea that she would use him as a way out? The comment and his accusations threw her for a loop. Why in the hell would she ever leave the ranch? Why would he think she would? The arrogant son-of-a-bitch. The more she thought about it, the madder she got. Hell, the times he had attempted to speak to her, she’d walked away without a word.

Keelee sighed and shrugged her shoulders. They didn’t have a shot. He didn’t want her. He was completely honest about what type of woman it would take to get anyone from Guardian to settle down. Her sister was that type. Worldly, fun, vivacious. Keelee would never be that kind of person. Couldn’t be. Adam’s life held thrills and challenges she could never understand. Or at least until he’d been injured it had.

Keelee cleared her throat. His injuries were extensive but Adam was alive. Well, for that she was thankful. But Tori told her his memories of recent events, including his stay at the ranch, were gone. He didn’t know she existed.

Keelee wiped a tear from her eye and shrugged off the humiliation that followed. Just as well. It was enough that he was alive. She walked without seeing through the kitchen and shouldered into a coat. Life went on. The animals needed food. Livestock needed tending, and work needed to be done. Nothing could change what had happened. Keelee lifted a hand, waving at Clint as he pulled into the yard. The man’s smile and shouted greeting were familiar. Normal. Clint was a part of her world as Adam had never been.

One year later:

None of it felt familiar. Nothing. Not a damned thing.
I stayed here?
A year ago?
Adam scanned the breadth of landscape outside the clinic’s window—a brand new facility, built on a South Dakota ranch. They told him he’d worked and stayed at this ranch, made friends here and he couldn’t remember a solitary minute of that time. Memories—gone. Only random flashes of conversations, mere déjà vu moments, or ghosts of emotions drifting around his consciousness sometimes, rippling through the emptiness.

“Recognize anything?” Chief’s question cut through his musings. Adam watched his friend. The man’s physical presence cast a full shadow. Thank God he remembered his team. Before he was injured, he performed as a member of Alpha Team, the most elite fighting force in Guardian Security. Jacob, his best friend, Skipper and all-around bad ass, and Chief, the team’s communications specialist and computer geek, had been in his face and by his side during his recovery. The other two members of the team, Dixon and Drake, twin pilots and armament experts, lived here now. Here at a ranch in South Dakota. The Annex. Guardian’s newly minted, high-speed, low-drag training and rehab facility on the outskirts of the Black Hills, built on a huge ranch that would rival the Ponderosa. Talk about a weird mix. Paramilitary teams, security specialists, and the nation’s finest law enforcement professionals rehabbing and training in the wild, wild west. Yee-fucking-haw.

Apparently this whole training center had been built since he’d left fourteen months ago.

Doc took another sweep of the vista. The majestic Black Hills range loomed in the background. Golden rolling hills scattered with aspen, pine and cottonwoods stretched for as far as the eye could see. Vast herds of cattle dotted the hills in the distance. Drifting white floss streaked vivid blue skies. Swallows swooped in a small flock, pulling his attention to the enormous barn peeking up past the hill from the newly constructed medical facility where he now stood.

He took his time and concentrated on the words he wanted to speak. He preferred to sign. Communication in American Sign Language proved so much easier than talking. His mind knew what he wanted his mouth to say. Sometimes his brain didn’t connect the two. His speech therapist insisted he continue to push through the difficulties and gave him techniques to trick his brain into working.

He continued to stare out the window. Why? Damned if Adam knew, perhaps a desperate attempt to recall anything familiar. “No, I don’t remember it.” But then again, why would he? He hadn’t had one solid memory of those lost days in the past year.

He felt robbed, violated, sometimes violently angry, and if he was honest with himself—afraid. Although why he felt fear was beyond his comprehension. So much had happened, so much he had allegedly participated in that he couldn’t remember. Everything seemed wrong, disjointed. And not remembering coupled with his damn slow speech? The perfect combination of emotions to fuel his depression.

Jacob was married to the woman they had rescued from that Afghani shithole. Hell, they even had a son! The woman, Victoria, acted like she knew him—as if they had a history. Honestly, he wouldn’t have known it was the same woman they pulled out of that hole in the ground. The beautiful woman didn’t resemble the abused, nearly dead skeleton he had treated. It took her showing him the scars on the arches of her feet for him to believe she was the same person. Those scars he recalled vividly. The bastards had tortured her by burning her feet as they held her head under water. That mission he remembered. As a matter of fact, the plane ride back to Germany was the last substantial memory he had when he woke up in that Paris hospital.

“You will. You have a history here that is searching for peace. Remember, the doc said it could take time.”

Chief’s words snapped him back. Defeat filled him, and he hated he couldn’t express himself the way he wanted.
I’m a doctor, don’t you think I know what the prognosis is?
He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs, but he couldn’t. Any strong emotion seemed to hinder his ability to speak. Instead of stumbling with words he lashed out in ASL.
Yeah, and they fucking said it may never come back! They also said my speech would improve. It hasn’t, has it? What the fuck am I doing here? There is no way I can run a medical facility!

Chief lifted one eyebrow as his gaze drifted from Doc’s hands to his eyes. Nothing in the man’s demeanor gave any indication of any emotion other than that lifted brow. “Stop with the pity party, Adam. Your speech has improved, just not as fast as you feel is appropriate. You have a job to do. Do it. You are here because you’re needed here. Suck it up.” The words were delivered as mildly as if the big man had just ordered a hamburger. No anger, no condemnation, no contempt. So typically Chief. Okay, way more words than usual, true, but the lack of emotion, a Chief hallmark.

“Dixon and Drake want to see you. They should be here soon. Jacob, Jared, and Joseph are helping them finish up with chores first. The twins are taking advantage of the brothers being here for the christening. Jacob and Tori’s son doesn’t know how lucky he is to be a part of that family. Justin left this afternoon heading back to New York. Opening a new restaurant in less than two weeks. Jason isn’t here anymore.”

Adam nodded. The four King Brothers, Jacob, Jared, Jason, and Joseph, were the cornerstones of Guardian Security. Doc had been told Jason felt responsible for the failure of the mission that ultimately resulted in his injuries. Doc closed his eyes and sighed deeply. No, Jason wasn’t responsible. The man couldn’t have known the chain of events that would end up costing two lives and nearly killing three others. Adam had digested every report submitted by all surviving participants. If it weren’t for Jason’s quick thinking and decisive actions, giving himself up to give his team a fighting chance, all of Bravo team would be dead.

Those thoughts were impossible to process quickly enough to say without lengthy pauses that would only aggravate his growing sense of failure. Instead, Adam changed the subject. “It will be good to see them again. I missed the twins, although I can’t quite figure out why.”

“Must be the brain injury, Doc.” A deep baritone voice rumbled from the doorway.

As Adam turned Chief added, “Knowing the twins, I almost guarantee it.”

Adam extended his hand. Jacob King’s panther-like stride made short work of the space between them. The team leader completely disregarded the outstretched hand and enveloped Adam. The hug wasn’t typical of one of the King Brothers. Instead of brute force or a macho display and contest of almost legendary strength, the embrace conveyed the history, friendship, pain and suffering the two men shared.

After a moment, Jacob held Adam at arm’s length. His friend’s steel blue eyes took stock of his appearance. Inwardly, he flinched. He knew what Jacob saw. His six-foot-four-inch frame appeared gaunt. He hadn’t returned to the rigorous workout regime he’d maintained prior to waking up after the injury. His frame had withered and held hardly any of the muscle mass he used to have. The scar from surgery was now covered by his dark blond hair. The opaque, milky film of the lens in his left eye and the ragged scar that sliced across his brow through his eyelid and down his cheek was one hell of a souvenir. The brown leather eye patch covered most of that abomination.

“Damn, you’re looking better. Gained a little weight since the last time I saw you at the hospital. It’s been too long. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.”

The words he wanted to speak didn’t form, so Adam reverted to sign language.
I hear
y
ou’ve been busy. Congratulations, Daddy.

Jacob’s laughter echoed throughout the small clinic. “That little man is already kicking my ass, but damn it… he is amazing. I can’t wait for you to see him. Jared is bringing a bottle and glasses. I have been given a hall pass and we, my friend, are getting totally toilet-hugging, shitfaced drunk.”

“You get drunk. I can’t. Meds. Damn, I haven’t seen Jared in…” Doc’s voice stopped. A deep sigh built in his chest. He concentrated on producing the words he wanted to say. “I guess I actually don’t remember the last time I saw him. The reports say he was there.”

“He sure as hell was.”

Adam rubbed the bridge of his nose. The headaches had lessened with time but never really went away. The pain traversed from muted to migraine on any given day.

“Adam?” A woman froze in the doorway where the men stood. Visually she was similar to Jacob’s wife Victoria but also different. Beautiful in a softer, more natural way. Adam watched as her shock-widened deep blue eyes traveled the planes of his scarred face. He knew the horror she saw. He still flinched every time he caught site of himself in the mirror. The realization of his grotesque appearance sobered him immediately.

A delicate scent of lavender and vanilla surrounded and caressed the air around her. A whisper of an image floated across his consciousness. A T-shirt pulled across ivory skin.

Desperate, intense longing arched across his senses with the impact of a left hook to the jaw. The room tilted, forcing him to grab the door frame.

“Adam?” The voice. That voice. God, he knew that voice! But from where? When had he heard it? When had he met this woman? He knew in his gut he knew her, yet he couldn’t remember. When, damn it, when!

A strong hand gripped his forearm forcing him to open his eyes. “Doc, why don’t you and Keelee come in the other room with me for a minute?” Jacob’s voice was quiet, edged with genuine concern.

The woman cleared her throat and shook her head as if clearing her own memories. “No Jacob, it’s okay. Dr. Cassidy, welcome back to the Marshall Ranch. I just stopped by to let you know dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes.”

“Are
you
going to be at dinner tonight?” Jacob’s question seemed out of place to Adam, but his mind was still reeling with sensations and impressions he desperately wanted to grasp.

“No. I, ah… no.” Her voice broke as she answered. The woman turned and left.

Jacob put a hand on Adam’s shoulder. “Look, man, I think I should tell you a few things.”

Adam shook his head and held up a hand, stopping the conversation. “Telling me wouldn’t make a difference. It’s like listening to a story about someone else. Let me deal with this my own way.” He glanced up at his best friend but the sucking depression that was swallowing him inch by excruciating inch forced him to put distance between him and… everything. “I need some time. Alone.”

* * *

Doc sat down once the facility cleared out. Keelee. Who was she to him? Was there a history? The questions pooled, sinking under a murky surface. He shrugged. It wasn’t worth the effort. Damn, he was so fucking tired of fighting to remember. Feeling like shit and being depressed were the only constants in his life. No, check that. The huge fucking hole in his memory, feeling like shit and being depressed were the only constants in his life. As a medical professional, he knew the courses of action to take. As a man, he couldn’t quite give a flying fuck if he ever became a functioning human being again. And yes, he could see the signs of depression in himself as clearly as if they were printed in a medical textbook. Yet who really gave a shit if he sat mired in his own misery? Nobody. Himself included.

*

Time and events separated the past from the man she now saw around the ranch. What once was could never be again and a part of her mourned the loss of the man she had loved. Loved. Yes, the day they found out he was missing she acknowledged she had fallen in love with Adam. Even though she could never be enough for him. But those feelings had no place in her life or his. If she told herself that often enough, one day she might believe it or that is what she kept telling her new friend, Ember. The woman’s arrival at the ranch had been a godsend. In short order, she and Keelee had become close. Ember arrived at the ranch last week with Joseph King. From what Keelee understood, Joseph had been injured taking care of Ember and thankfully Ember was a doctor who ended up caring for her caregiver. Ember evaded Keelee’s questions about Joseph’s injuries and there was no way Keelee would ask Joseph. The man’s barely caged fury kept absolutely everyone at arm’s length, but he treated Ember like a princess. Unfortunately because of what he did for Guardian, Ember could never have a future with the man. And Keelee loved a man who couldn’t remember her. Both men were Guardians, and both were hell bent on doing the right thing no matter the cost. Well, the cost for Ember was a life without the man she loved, and the cost for Keelee?  Loving a man who couldn’t remember her, and if he did, he wouldn’t want to be around her. Life sure as hell wasn’t fair or easy.

The mare she stabled blew out a blast of air and stuck her head over the stall door, expecting more attention. Keelee leaned into the warm dun colored horse and caressed the powerful neck. She hugged the old horse and then scratched under her mane. The mare stretched her neck and her upper lip danced in approval.

“Looks like you found her spot.”

Keelee jumped and twisted around at the sound of Adam’s voice.
Oh shit! What in the hell was he doing here?
“Ahh… yeah, she’s a sweet old woman. Too old for hard work but too young to turn out to pasture.” Keelee took in the man standing next to her. He had lost so much weight and he displayed a bone-crushing exhaustion. Defeated. Chief had told her he was struggling with his verbal skills and dealing with the loss of his eye. The eye patch he wore covered all but a small portion of the scar the injury left.