She couldn’t even take any satisfaction in his admission that he
had
been attracted to her—which came as a shock to Hallie. Maybe that satisfaction would come later. But at the moment, Hallie was pissed.
“And you couldn’t have told me I was too young for you? To back off? That it wasn’t going to happen between us?” Hallie demanded. “You really thought destroying my self-esteem and humiliating me in front of everyone at the station was the best thing you could do for me? Under the circumstances?”
“I guess this is the wrong time to point out that transferring you to the production department actually worked out pretty well for you.”
Hallie’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you dare make light of what you did to me, Nate. I won’t stand for it. Everyone thought we slept together, even though we didn’t. And that left me looking like the stupid bimbo you tossed aside after you got what you wanted.”
His expression softened. “You’re right,” he said. “I shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that. And I should have apologized to you a long time ago.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
Nate kept staring at her.
Hallie stared back. In fact, it felt good staring openly at Nate like this, instead of one of them doing what they usually did and looking away if their eyes happened to meet.
Maybe too good.
“Let me ask you this,” Nate said. “What if I had apologized to you after I had you transferred? And what if I’d told you the truth that I thought you were too young for me? Would you have backed off and accepted the fact that it wasn’t going to happen between us?”
He caught Hallie off guard with those questions.
She thought of all the times she’d brought a date to Thanksgiving dinner, or to Christmas, or to any other function at Janet and David’s when she knew Nate was going to be there. It had been her way of thumbing her nose at Nate’s rejection, her proof that other men desired her whether Nate did or not.
Over the years, she’d dated more men, she’d broken up with more men and she’d turned down more men than she cared to remember. And the sad truth was, not one of them measured up to this man.
But did she have the guts to ’fess up and tell him the truth?
“Yes, I would have accepted your apology,” Hallie finally said. “But no, I wouldn’t have backed off. I was crazy about you. I would have pursued you to the depths of hell and back trying to prove you wrong.”
“And that’s why I had you transferred,” Nate said. “I knew I couldn’t survive another taxi ride.”
Hallie sighed and shook her head. “And all these years I thought the very sight of me disgusted you. That you were an insufferable egotistical bastard who didn’t think I was worthy of your time.”
“The very sight of me
did
disgust you,” he mentioned.
Hallie grimaced at the thought of how rude she’d been to Nate so many times. “I’m so sorry, Nate.”
“So am I,” he said. “For
everything
.”
It was his inflection on
everything
that got her.
The
everything
currently eating them both up inside.
Hallie stepped forward, and slid her arms around Nate’s waist, letting her head rest on his shoulder. She felt him stiffen for a second, but he put his arms around her, too.
There was nothing sexual about their embrace. Nothing sexual implied. Nothing sexual intended. Nothing sexual period. Their embrace was completely innocent, but it was long overdue.
They simply held each other.
No words were necessary.
No words were adequate for the loss they’d suffered.
But having Nate’s arms around her was the comfort Hallie had been waiting for since the two policemen arrived at her office to tell her about the accident. Comfort from the one person who loved Janet and David every bit as much as she did.
All Hallie wanted was to go back to Wedge Pond so she could retreat and not have to talk to anyone else for the remainder of the day. Then she’d have time to take stock. Ahn, Nate, and Roberta were the only family she had left. But there were no blood ties to keep them together. Janet and David had been their bond. Without that center pulling them all in, would they keep in touch? Given how Hallie had never really gotten along with Roberta, it was doubtful. And she’d truly be alone.
So if she didn’t want that, it was up to her to strengthen those relationships. How the hell she’d accomplish that baffled her at the moment. And the mere thought of no family to catch her when she fell nearly brought her to her knees.
Hallie took a deep breath when Nate opened the office door. First things first. Get through this interview, then she could figure out how to hold three fiercely independent souls together.
“I hope this won’t take long.” She looked around thinking the reception room was exactly what she expected—a kid-friendly section in one corner, reception-style chairs lining the walls. The pleasant surprise, however, was that no one else was waiting. That gave Hallie hope there would be no delays seeing Dr. Langston.
Nate followed as she walked toward the closed glass window where an older woman with frosted hair and dark-rimmed glasses was sitting talking on the phone. The woman ignored them completely until she finally ended the call. She slid the glass window open without saying a word, the bored expression on her face broadcasting how much she hated her job.
“Hallie Weston and Nate Brock to see Dr. Langston,” Hallie told her. “We have a ten-o’clock appointment.”
She picked up a clipboard and shoved it through the window at Hallie. “Take a seat and fill this out.”
Hallie refused to take it. “We’re only here to talk to Dr. Langston about one of her patients.”
“I still need your insurance information to bill for the consult fee.”
“I don’t intend to file the consult on my insurance,” Hallie told her. “I’ll pay cash for the consult fee.”
She gave Hallie a condescending look. “I
still
need your information in order to give you a receipt. Take a seat and fill out the form.”
Nate finally reached out and took the clipboard.
The woman slammed the window with a bang.
“I wasn’t trying to be difficult,” Hallie whispered as Nate led her to a group of chairs as far from the window as possible. “But there was no excuse for her being so rude.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said as they both sat. “I can fill out the information.”
Hallie was too tired to argue with him.
She watched as Nate opened the clip to remove the pen and began filling out the form. She really didn’t know why she’d been so confrontational a few minutes ago, other than the woman’s outright rudeness.
Maybe it was being out in the public for the first time in weeks. Having to actually deal with people when all she wanted to do was climb into bed, pull the covers over her head and shut the world out completely.
Or maybe she was losing it.
She sure felt as though she could snap at any minute. And if something as simple as filling out a form took her to the edge, what little thing would actually push her over?
Hallie’s grim thoughts were interrupted by a drop-dead gorgeous blonde calling out their names. Nate was on his feet so fast he almost dropped the clipboard.
Not that Hallie could blame him. The blonde’s hair fell soft around her shoulders, and her clothes certainly weren’t hanging off her—glued to her was more like it. Her short white skirt hit her well above the knee, and her low-cut turquoise blouse showed off a healthy cleavage.
Dr. Langston obviously needed a few tips on hiring a professional staff. She had a witch for a receptionist and a call girl look-alike for an assistant.
“This way, please.” The blonde flashed Nate a bleached-white smile when he handed over the clipboard and then sashayed down the hallway ahead of them. For Nate’s benefit, of course. A woman didn’t walk that way unless she knew a man was watching.
And Hallie should know. She’d done it too many times to count.
“Here we are.” The blonde motioned them inside an open office door to the two chairs facing a desk with Dr. Langston’s nameplate. Hallie was about to ask how long they’d have to wait for the doctor when the blonde sat across the desk.
Hallie amended her earlier assessment of the business lessons Dr. Langston needed. Someone should instruct her on appropriate attire and remind her that her clients were not a dating pool she could dip into whenever she wanted. Hallie caught another blinding smile the doctor sent toward Nate, who seemed to be having a typically male reaction to a blatant come-hither.
Oh, for crying out loud.
This was ludi—
She stopped the mental tirade, shocked at not only the vehemence of her thoughts, but also the decidedly jealous tone. What was that about? Yes, she would always be attracted to Nate, but she had no intentions of acting on those feelings. They’d just reached a truce that she needed to build on so that she still had some thing that looked like a family. So what did it matter that a short skirt and a bit of cleavage turned him into a teenage boy? That was right. It didn’t matter. None of her business.
Thoughts firmly on track, she turned her attention from Nate to Dr. Langston.
“First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss,” the doctor said, glancing briefly at Hallie, but talking directly to Nate. “David and Janet were beautiful people.”
“Thank you,” Nate said.
Hallie mumbled her thanks, too.
“Greg wanted me to meet with you because he knows what a difficult situation you’re in. He felt my insight could help you with your parent selection as you go through the readoption process.”
“Thank you, Dr. Langston,” Nate said. “We need all the help we can get.”
Hallie almost kicked him.
Amazing, how chatty Nate had suddenly become.
What happened to brooding and silent?
“Please,” she said. “Call me Deb. And if it’s okay, I prefer to use your first names, too. I find the less formality between us, the better.”
Hallie fought back a gag.
“How involved have you been in Ahn’s life since the adoption, Nate?”
“I’m afraid not at all,” Nate admitted. “I flew home for Ahn’s christening. But I’ve been out of the country since then.”
“And you, Hallie?” Deb asked, looking directly at Hallie for the first time.
It hurt Hallie to admit that before the accident she’d only seen Ahn four times. At the airport when Janet and David first brought her home. At Ahn’s christening. The one weekend she had made time in her busy schedule to stay with Janet and Ahn while David was out of town. And at Ahn’s second birthday party—the weekend before the accident on May 2. The last time Hallie had seen Janet and David alive.
“My contact with Ahn has been limited,” Hallie said, though she couldn’t keep from adding, “but if I remember correctly, that was partially due to advice Janet and David received from you.” Down went the gauntlet. She was
not
going to let this woman push her around.
“That’s true,” Deb said, apparently unruffled by the challenge. “During the first two months after the adoption it was important for Ahn to have time alone with Janet and David in order for them to bond as a family. But I apologize if the question sounded more like an accusation. I was only trying to gauge how much time each of you had been able to spend with Ahn.”
Now she was trying to make Hallie look like a bitch.
And okay, she
was
being a bitch. But she was an honest bitch.
“And I apologize for being defensive,” Hallie said. “But we all have our regrets. And my regret will always be that I didn’t spend more time with my sister and Ahn when Janet was alive.”
“And how is Ahn?”
Hallie and Nate looked at each other.
It took Hallie a second to realize Nate was waiting for her to answer the question. As if she could. She was no more qualified to answer the question than Nate.
“Since the accident, my stepmother has been staying at Janet and David’s and taking care of Ahn. Nate and I are staying there, too,” Hallie added quickly. “But…well, under the circumstances…”
“I understand completely,” Deb said. “But I’m pleased to hear Ahn isn’t being bounced around from one family member to another while you and Nate are trying to recover. It’s very important that she stays in her own home where she feels safe. She’s too young to understand what’s happened, of course, but you should be prepared for drastic mood swings while she’s trying to cope with Janet and David’s sudden absence from her life.”
Hallie nodded that she understood.
And okay, maybe she’d been too quick to judge.
“And is your stepmother going to stay and help you take care of Ahn until you find new parents?”
“No,” Hallie said, shuddering at the thought. She loved Roberta. And she was going to make an effort to get along with her better. But Roberta’s overbearing personality had always driven Hallie up the wall. “We’re beginning interviews for a full-time nanny this week.”
Deb looked surprised. “I strongly advise against hiring a nanny.”
Hallie sat straighter in her chair. “Excuse me?”
“I strongly disagree with you leaving Ahn’s care to a nanny,” she repeated. “Ahn is slowly making progress, but she still has a lot to overcome in order to catch up developmentally. Unless you get to know this child, and I’m talking really get to know Ahn’s wants, her needs, her temperament and especially her shortcomings, you’ll struggle to choose the best parents for her.”
The magnitude of what Deb implied momentarily staggered Hallie. She couldn’t take care of Ahn on her own. She didn’t know the first thing about child rearing, especially with a child who’d experienced a lack of early stimulation and now needed particular attention. Deb couldn’t possibly mean that. “So what are you’re suggesting? That I quit my job and take care of Ahn, possibly for months, until we find new parents?”
“If at all possible, yes,” Deb said, as if that were a completely reasonable request. She looked over at Nate. “And, if possible, you should do the same, Nate. As Ahn’s guardians
and
as the two people who will decide her future, both of you need to take full responsibility as Ahn’s primary caregivers so you
will
be qualified to make such an important decision.”
Nate looked shocked.
Hallie was speechless.
But she already knew what Nate had to be thinking. Of course it was
possible
for both of them to put their careers on hold until Ahn was readopted. Janet and David had made it possible.
But money wasn’t the issue here.
The issue for Hallie was becoming a full-time parent. Hallie couldn’t even fathom it. A claustrophobic sensation rose in her. Every day spent locked in a house with her only focus a child with limited communication skills? And she couldn’t fathom someone as restless as Nate being stuck at Wedge Pond and helping her take care of a baby.
“I appreciate the advice, but we
will
be hiring a nanny,” Hallie told her firmly. She reached into her purse and handed over the form Greg had given them. “Greg said you would help us fill this out for the adoption agency.”
Dr. Langston took the paper but the look she gave Hallie said she wasn’t through. “I’ll be happy to help you. And maybe as we go over the parental requirements Ahn will need, you’ll reconsider your decision about the nanny.”
Don’t count on it.
If Janet and David had thought Hallie and Nate were capable of raising their daughter, they wouldn’t have assigned their siblings the role of guardian with the task of finding new parents. But Janet and David hadn’t and that, to Hallie’s way of thinking, was proof enough that she couldn’t provide the care Ahn required. So Dr. Langston was
not
going to lay some guilt trip on her sufficient enough to make Hallie embrace a role she knew absolutely zero about. She’d never even been a babysitter as a teenager. Kids had always been Janet’s thing, not hers.
Dr. Langston reached for a pen from the holder on her desk. “I don’t know how much David and Janet shared with you about how Ahn spent the first eighteen months of her life in the orphanage. There were too many children and not enough staff, so only Ahn’s basic needs were met. Human contact was limited to when Ahn was fed or when she was changed. And since babies are immobile, they always get the least attention. Ahn’s days were spent alone in a crib, left to entertain herself.”
She paused. “That was the bad news. The good news is that there is nothing physically wrong with her. David and Janet have had her to the best pediatric specialists available and she’s perfectly healthy. She has a lot of catching up to do developmentally, but she’s a very bright child. With the right parental support she’ll thrive and she’ll be on par with her peers by the time she starts school.”
She checked a box on the form. “I’m recommending a stay-at-home parent on this form. Ahn’s best chance for overcoming her problems is a parent who can give Ahn the attention she needs. And by attention, I mean the daily verbal, cognitive and physical exercises Ahn has been receiving these past six months.”