She opened a desk drawer and pulled out a thick bound notebook that she handed directly to Hallie. “This notebook gives you a concise description of the exercises Janet has been following. Take this copy in case Janet’s has been misplaced.”
Reluctantly, Hallie took it. The size of the book represented a level of responsibility and dedication she had never given another human being. This was where Janet had excelled. She’d been so compassionate and caring, so willing and able to pull people under her wing and foster them until they were strong enough to stand on their own. With her as a mommy, Hallie had no doubt Ahn would have been a match for any kid in her classes.
But that was Janet’s forte, not Hallie’s. Hallie organized action and information. She could pull together all the unruly and disparate pieces that her show required and execute it flawlessly. She dealt in the realm of theory and ideas. People? Not so much.
This book seemed to shout all of her inadequacies loud enough for all to hear. She set it on the floor by her purse, thinking she’d read it later when she wasn’t feeling so overwhelmed.
“Ahn’s daily activities are also why I feel so strongly that one or both of you should fill in as a stay-at-home parent. Since Janet stayed with Ahn, she might connect better with you, Hallie. And while I appreciate that you could hire a female nanny, I fear if Ahn’s care is turned over to someone who has no personal interest in her, she will receive little more than what she received at the orphanage. Only her basic needs will be met. That could result in Ahn regressing instead of moving forward. She needs the support of someone who is fully committed to her improvement. What she doesn’t need is someone who takes care of her only in order to earn a paycheck.”
“Greg mentioned it was possible that Ahn’s delayed speech development could make it more difficult to find parents for her,” Nate said. “Do you agree?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” she said. “But as I mentioned before, Ahn is a very bright child. If you take this opportunity to work closely with her, the speech problem may take care of itself.”
She checked another box. “Again, because of Ahn’s special needs, there should be no other siblings. The parents need to be able to devote their full attention to Ahn without any other distractions. As she gets older, siblings would actually be a benefit to her.”
Deb paused and considered Hallie and Nate. “I’ve been referring to parents in general so far. It’s quite likely you’ll want Ahn’s prospective parents to mirror what she had—a mother who stays at home and a father who works out of the house. If that’s the case, here are some things to look for. The best father for Ahn won’t travel, and will be at home at night. All children need a strong male presence, but Ahn needs consistency. A father she sees only on weekends can’t provide that. Nor can a workaholic father. Ahn needs a father who is willing to be one hundred percent involved in her overall care. And she needs a father who wants a child because he’s ready to be a father, and not because his wife wants to be a mother.”
She paused again. “To put it bluntly, more than half of the adoptive fathers I work with go through the adoption process only to please their wives.” She looked at Nate. “I can assure you, your brother wasn’t one of them. David was one of the most committed fathers I’ve ever worked with. Ahn was shy and withdrawn around him at first, but she quickly became attached. In order to lessen the void Ahn feels in her life right now, it would help if you filled in so she still has that strong male presence and will be better able to bond with her new father.”
“I’m confused,” Hallie said. “How do you expect
us
to determine whether a man is ready to be a father for the right reasons? It isn’t likely he’s going to admit that to us even if we asked.”
“True,” Deb said. “Hopefully you’ll pick up on any red flags when you meet the applicants face-to-face.”
Hallie had no reply—she was too overwhelmed.
Dammit, where had her mind been? Why hadn’t she realized before now how hard choosing parents for Ahn was going be? How much was at stake?
Of course, Hallie already knew the answer.
Until now she’d seen her role as a supervisory one, directing other people the way she did on the job. But she’d never envisioned herself doing all the tasks Janet had on a daily basis.
“That takes care of most of the form,” Dr. Langston said, checking a few more boxes. “These last four questions are ones the two of you need to answer based on your personal preferences. They have nothing to do with my professional opinion.”
She poised her pen over the paper. “Are you open to older parents? Or do you prefer younger parents?”
“Mid- to late-thirties, I guess,” Nate said, looking over at Hallie. “The same age as David and Janet?”
“I agree,” Hallie said.
“Number of years you feel the couple should be married?”
“At least five years?” Hallie suggested.
Nate nodded.
“The lowest income level you’d consider?”
“No lower than two-fifty a year,” Nate said without even asking Hallie. “Otherwise the new parents won’t be able to provide Ahn with whatever extra help she needs.”
“I agree,” Dr. Langston said. “At this point there’s no way to tell if Ahn is going to need additional counseling and therapy on a long-term basis.”
She looked back down at the form. “Are you open to out-of-state applicants?”
“I’d prefer in-state applicants,” Hallie said. “Or at least applicants who live in and around our neighboring northeastern states. I’m retaining my right to stay in touch with Ahn after the adoption. The less distance between us, the easier that will be.”
Dr. Langston was bold enough to say, “Really? That surprises me since you’re so determined to have a nanny.”
“I may not be the mommy type, but Ahn is my niece. The adoption isn’t going to change that as far as I’m concerned.”
Dr. Langston finished making her notations on the form. “That concludes the questionnaire,” she said, handing the form across the desk. “And for what it’s worth, I think Ahn is a lucky little girl to have you for an aunt, Hallie.”
“Thank you.” Hallie stood and stuck out her hand. “And thanks for your help today.”
Deb stood and shook Hallie’s hand.
Hallie put the form in her purse and stuck the notebook under her arm then followed as Dr. Langston walked them to her office door.
“I’ve made an appointment for Ahn in two weeks,” Deb said. “With the drastic changes going on in her life right now, it’s important that you keep the appointment.”
“She’ll be here,” Nate said.
Hallie knew there were questions she should probably ask—behaviors to watch out for, or strategies to deal with Ahn’s grief—but her mind was spinning from too much information, and her head was pounding from a stress-induced headache. All Hallie wanted was out of here.
And maybe after a few hours of solitude this insane reality she was living would make sense.
Just as he was keeping his mouth shut now.
Hallie had not said a word when he’d caught up with her at the elevator. Not after she popped two aspirin into her mouth from the bottle she dropped back into her purse. Not when they’d stopped at Greg’s office to drop off the information for the adoption agency. Not during the three-block walk to the parking garage. And not when he’d opened the passenger-side door so she could climb into his Range Rover.
They were driving out of downtown Boston now, heading back to Wedge Pond. And Hallie had yet to say a word.
But Nate didn’t have to glance over at her sitting in the seat beside him to know she was chewing on her lower lip. He’d seen her do it a thousand times. Hallie always chewed on her lower lip when she was worried about something.
Nate also didn’t have to wonder what that something was. Dr. Langston’s advice about the nanny had been shocking and eye-opening—for both of them.
The question was what to do about it.
Nate tried to picture him and Hallie taking care of Ahn. He couldn’t. His inability to see it had nothing against Hallie and definitely nothing against Ahn. It was him and his decision never to have kids. He didn’t have it in him to be daddy to anyone—even on a temporary basis. But instinct told him not to discuss the issue until Hallie was ready.
Nate had no intention of doing or saying anything that might damage the truce he and Hallie had finally found. That ground was still too shaky, too new to both of them.
Besides, they weren’t used to talking to each other at all. One conversation in a bathroom wasn’t going to instantly change that. They’d have to gradually ease into a comfort zone with each other. He’d give Hallie all the space and all the time she needed until she could begin to feel comfortable around him.
Unfortunately, feeling comfortable around each other could lead to another problem. From what Greg and Deb had told them, finding new parents wasn’t going to be easy. And that meant he and Hallie could be spending far more time together than Nate ever imagined.
He was concerned about that.
Gravely concerned.
Nate almost wished he had lied to Hallie when she’d confronted him about their past. That he’d allowed her to keep thinking he was an egotistical bastard. Her disdain toward him had cancelled out his attraction to her all these years, the same as her age had stopped him from acting when they first met.
Only Hallie wasn’t a kid anymore.
She was a beautiful, desirable woman who was extremely vulnerable at the moment.
Fate had forced them together at the worst possible time. Losing David and Janet had turned their lives upside down. Thrown them completely off-kilter. Left them both floundering, uncertain what they should do first or which way they should turn next.
An affair right now would only end in disaster. They were both too unstable.
The question was, did he have the same strength he’d had ten years ago? Could he really resist Hallie if they were together day and night? Nate wasn’t sure that he could again do what was best for Hallie under the circumstances.
Nate glanced over at her.
He was surprised to see she was staring right at him.
“So?” she said. “What do you think about the nanny situation?”
He wondered if she’d be shocked to know he hadn’t been thinking about the nanny situation at all. That he’d been thinking about the things they’d done to each other in the back of that taxi.
“I don’t think we have any choice but to hire a nanny. But I can also understand Deb’s reasons for why we shouldn’t.”
“Really?” she said. “I’m amazed you heard a word she said with the amount of cleavage she was showing.”
“Is that a hint of meow in your voice?” Nate asked.
“Of course it is,” she admitted. “From a woman’s point of view, the only thing worse than another woman being so gorgeous is if she’s smart and gorgeous.”
“If that’s true,” Nate said, “then I’m sure she was thinking the same thing about you.”
She snorted. “Have you looked at me today?”
Much more often than I should have.
But Nate wisely chose not to answer. “Does your question mean you’re having second thoughts about the nanny?”
“No,” she said. “I’m having terrifying thoughts about not hiring a nanny and taking up the role as Ahn’s primary caregiver.” She waved the notebook at him. “I don’t even have to open this notebook to know how doomed Ahn would be if she had to rely on me to help progress those developmental skills
Deb
kept talking about. I’m not even capable of fulfilling the child’s
basic
needs. I don’t do diapers.”
“I don’t do diapers, either. But maybe we could compromise. We could hire a nanny to take care of Ahn’s basic needs. And one of us could take responsibility for working with Ahn on a personal level.”
“One of us meaning
me,
” Hallie said, “since you’ll be heading back to Afghanistan.”
Nate kept his eyes straight ahead when he said, “I’m not going back to Afghanistan, Hallie. I arranged for my replacement before I left.”
She gasped. “But why?”
Nate still didn’t look at her. “My mother. With David gone, I need to be able to check on her.”
Instantly, Hallie’s hand was on his arm.
Instantly, her touch left Nate rattled.
“Oh, God, Nate. I’m sorry. I haven’t thought about your mother.”
“No need to apologize,” Nate said, relieved when she withdrew her hand. But he did glance over at her. “My mother isn’t going to realize I’m there, of course. Just like she didn’t realize David came to see her every week. But I’ll know.”
Nate looked back at the highway.
“Do you get that’s the same way I feel about Ahn? I need to know I didn’t turn my back on her.”
“When you put it that way, yes. I do understand how you feel.”
“Look at us,” she said. “We’re actually agreeing on something.”
“And I hope you’ll agree with something else,” Nate told her. “Since I’m not going back to Afghanistan, I should be the one to stay with Ahn and the nanny. That will leave you free to go home and back to work.”
Hallie sent him a wary look.
“When you’re ready to go back to work, of course,” Nate added quickly.
“I never considered you wouldn’t go back. But you’re right. The fact that you’re staying changes everything.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“I mean, of course you’ll stay at the house, Nate. You live there.”
She was referring to the guest cottage on David and Janet’s property. It wasn’t feasible to maintain a stateside apartment when he was out of the country most of the time, so he’d been using the cottage as his residence.
“Did you really think if I stayed at Janet and David’s I would expect you to leave?” she asked.
“Before we had our conversation in the bathroom this morning, yes.”
“Well, you’re wrong,” she said. “Even if we’d never talked, I wouldn’t have expected you to leave just because I was staying there.”
“And your thoughts on my proposal about the nanny?”
“You can really see yourself being a world-renowned photojournalist turned verbal, cognitive and physical child therapist?”
“No,” Nate admitted. “But I also can’t see you resigning and putting your career on hold when I’m free to stay with Ahn.”
“So I get a pass,” she said, “and you get stuck with all the responsibility.”
“I prefer to think of it as making a logical decision under the circumstances.”
She looked over at him. “I can’t go to work and not feel guilty about it.”
“Then stay on the weekends if that will make you feel less guilty.” That arrangement was still potentially dangerous by putting them in proximity and giving them the opportunity to act on what was going on between them. He wasn’t so naive as to think they’d be able to resist—truly only her animosity toward him all these years had accomplished that. But if he could restrict her time in the house to weekends he might be able to forestall them landing in bed.
So he had to convince her to return to work. And he’d figure out how to step into Ahn’s daily learning regimen.
Hallie’s silence stretched out. When he glanced at her she was rubbing her temples with her fingertips. Was that because she found his suggestion so outrageous she was pissed at him? Or did she think it had merit? He latched on to the fact she hadn’t said no yet. He didn’t intend to lose his momentum.
“You heard what Deb said about Ahn being more likely to bond with her new father if I stepped in. That’s another reason I should be the one to stay.”
She let out a long sigh. “And I also heard what she said about me not being able to properly evaluate the applicants if I’ve never played the parent role.” She looked over at him. “Admit it. I’m obviously not a very good judge of character, or I wouldn’t have been so wrong about you all these years.”
He couldn’t let her take responsibility for reacting to a situation he’d created. “That was my fault.”
“Truthfully, Nate, I’m not capable of making any decisions right now. Okay?”
“Absolutely.” He could commiserate. The only thing that kept him choosing one thing over another these days was experience—once upon a time he’d been in similar circumstances with far fewer resources and less maturity. “Think about it and we’ll discuss it later.”
As Nate focused on the highway, he was relieved she hadn’t immediately shot down his solution to the problem. The fact that they’d had a rational discussion rein forced the rightness of his impulse to tell her the truth about his attraction all those years ago. He’d thought that information would go to the grave with him. But he was glad she knew—she didn’t deserve to think less of herself because of his sense of self-preservation.
Sure, he’d have to keep a check on his attraction to her—something that would be much easier if she weren’t living at the house. But the most important thing now was for them to be able to look at the situation in a logical manner.
Hopefully Hallie would see his suggestion made the most sense.
Surely, she would realize that.