After Ben (36 page)

“I don’t want you to do that, Theo. I like seeing where you’ve been. It’s kind of cool, like living in a museum.”

Theo was vaguely horrified. Maybe his and Ben’s tastes were a little outdated. He really had no fucking clue. “We could redecorate,” he offered.

Morgan shifted against him, long fingers wrapping around one of Theo’s wrists. “No, I like it. I just mean that I can see your history. Everything is right here out in the open. He gestured toward a really ugly vase. “Like that, right there. What’s the story behind that… thing?”

Theo shuddered. “Oh, we fought over that.” They had. They really had. Theo lost his shit in a too-hot Provençal flea market, insisting for once that no, just no, he didn’t want that piece of crap in his home. He’d had a bad day. Their flight had been delayed, their first choice of hotel had been so horrible they’d already repacked and moved once, and every single thing Ben said annoyed the snot out of him.

Ben had been uncharacteristically moody and ungracious. “I should have bought it just to keep beside my bed. It would have reminded me of your ugly nature, Theo.”

Oh yes, they fought. They fought all the way back to the hotel, stumbling up the stairs, shoving each other into their cool and shady bedroom, right into bed. Ben bitched about the time Theo spent at work as he dragged his shirt off, while Theo moaned how it wasn’t his fucking fault that Ben had nothing to do all day as he yanked his shoes—still laced—from his feet. It had been Ben’s decision to retire early, not his.

Ben held his face then, looking right into his eyes, making his temper fade into nothing. “I don’t regret selling my share to Marco. I only regret not doing it sooner,
tesoro
. I have so much more time now to waste on you.” He’d kissed Theo like he was something precious, rather than a moody shit with no sense of humor. They had slow sex while the breeze carried the heavy scent of lavender into the room. Ben slept deeply afterward—Theo finally recognizing that his man must have been absolutely dropping with exhaustion. He probably suggested visiting the market in the first place only to entertain Theo.

He crept out and bought the vase—even uglier than he remembered—and left it on Ben’s nightstand, then sat reading a week-old
Wall Street Journal
on their balcony. He knew the exact moment Ben woke up. His deep rumble of delighted laughter made Theo smile for ages.

Morgan shifted against him, his body tense. “You fought?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“So you ended up with that… thing… because it was what he wanted? He insisted?” Morgan pulled him close, dark eyes searching his face intently.

“No, I bought it for Ben as a reminder that even when we were ugly to each other, we were still okay.”

“Really?” Morgan’s expression was confused. “That doesn’t sound like much of a fight to me.”

“What can I say? I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Morgan relaxed under his hands. “Will you come with me? Help me pack up my shit?” Theo agreed, suggesting they get on that over the weekend. Morgan pulled away. “Could we do it before the weekend? I don’t have much, so it won’t take long.” When Theo offered to lend him his car, saying Morgan could do it himself while Theo was at work, Morgan said nothing. The silence stretched between them, and Theo struggled to work out what Morgan’s issue was. This was the difficult part of being with someone new, he decided—trying to unravel the things that Morgan chose not to say was so much harder than arguing about politics.

“I could take Friday afternoon off. Would you like that?” Morgan’s yes was muffled against Theo’s throat. “Then that’s what I’ll do. We’ll go get your things, then have all weekend to do whatever you like.” Morgan’s kisses were a hot, quick surprise. Theo almost laughed, then felt the tension that lay just beneath their surface. He wrapped his arms around Morgan, kissing him until they were right back where they started.

H
E
ALMOST
forgot that strange, silent tension until he stood outside Morgan’s apartment on Friday afternoon.

Thinking back, Morgan hadn’t said much at all since collecting him from work. He drove Theo’s car in almost complete silence, then parked in the looming shadow cast by the old factory that housed his apartment. They rode up to Morgan’s floor, shifting the cartons they carried awkwardly from arm to arm, then headed toward his door, footsteps echoing along the still-industrial-looking hallway. Morgan dropped his cartons, telling Theo to wait while he let himself in. He was back in a moment, opening the door wide for Theo.

“Were you expecting someone to be here?” The thought hadn’t crossed Theo’s mind until he stood outside Morgan’s door waiting for him to come back. He felt a sudden sick wash of dread. The last time he’d been asked to wait like that while someone checked whether the coast was clear was during his first year of college. He’d been asked out a few times by a dude in his general studies class. No, that wasn’t exactly what happened. The guy had pursued Theo, tracking him down in the huge library, just happening to sit at his table at lunchtime, until they struck up a friendship. When their study evenings turned into more, Theo was really happy.

That happiness lasted until he realized his new boyfriend wouldn’t ever choose to meet in public, and looked over his shoulder constantly if they happened to be out. It had been a shock. They were studying in San Francisco, for fuck sake. He spent a short while blaming himself for not realizing that the dude was closeted, then spent much longer feeling dumb when he discovered that the dude he thought was his boyfriend was actually out and proud, and already had a long-term boyfriend.

He stood outside Morgan’s door with that same sick inner lurch going on, as if the hallway floor beneath his feet were actually the worn, weathered boards of a too-tiny yacht facing too-tall waves.

Morgan looked confused. “What? Expecting someone? No!”

Theo moved past him, carrying in the cartons and dumping them next to the kitchen counter.

“Okay.” Theo told himself to get a fucking grip already. Morgan was moving in with him. It was ridiculous to equate his out-of-character quietness with dishonesty. The man was fiercely honest—super quick to point out his own shortcomings, while equally swift to accept other people’s.

They packed quickly—there really wasn’t much—and only needed to make two runs down to the car to load up. Each time they walked down that dark hallway, Theo felt unhappiness coming off Morgan in waves. Once they were done, with just a few bags and a guitar case left to bring down, Theo offered Morgan some privacy. Maybe he was upset because his last breakup had been hurtful. He certainly always looked pained if Theo brought it up. It wasn’t that Theo wanted to hear about his prior relationships, but if Morgan needed to talk about them—like he did about Ben sometimes—he was open to it. It seemed impossible, to Theo at least, to share your life with someone and for it not to change who you were.

“I can take these down if you want a little time here by yourself.”

“What?” Morgan almost shouted. “Stay here any longer? Why? Fuck. I never want to see this place again.”

Morgan left, practically running, leaving Theo to lock up. He heard a crash from the end of the hallway, followed by the pounding of footsteps echoing away. Morgan hadn’t even been able to make himself wait for the elevator, taking the stairs instead. By the time he got to the car, Morgan had the engine running, fingers drumming in staccato syncopation, screeching away from the curb as Theo fastened his seatbelt.

“I’d rather you talked to me than killed us both, Morgan. If you can’t talk to me, can you at least slow down?” He watched Morgan’s bone-white face in profile. He looked like a complete stranger. Maggie’s worry crossed his mind again. He didn’t know this Morgan at all. When he pulled over and turned to Theo, his expression was so miserable that it was like a punch to his stomach. Winded, shocked at the clear distress on Morgan’s—his Morgan’s—face, Theo struggled to unfasten his seatbelt.

Theo got out of the car and went to the driver’s side door, opening it and leaning in to release Morgan from his seatbelt.

“Move over, Morgan.” With his face just inches away, he could clearly see the too-fast beat of Morgan’s pulse at the base of his throat. “Move over. Now, it’s time to go home.” He watched Morgan slide over, swapping spots with him, refastening his seatbelt as if he had no idea where he was. When they got home, Theo made him leave everything in the car, guiding him to the elevator. The moment the doors closed, Morgan had his arms around him so tightly he felt winded again.

“Hey, now.” He patted Morgan’s back until they reached their floor. When they were inside their own entranceway, Morgan hugged him again, hiding his face. They stood like that for a while—Theo feeling helpless and clueless, Morgan obviously needing something but sharing absolutely nothing. When his grip released some, Theo started talking.

“I don’t know what that was about. I have absolutely no idea, but I want you to know—no, I need you to know—that I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Morgan nodded against his neck.

“You had a bad breakup, right?” Theo asked gently.

Morgan nodded again.

“Was he seeing someone else, Morgan? Is that why you wanted to check out the apartment first? Did you think they might be there together?”

Morgan’s head shake was fierce.

“Okay, okay. Did he think you were seeing someone else?”

This time Morgan stood still.

“Wait…. Did he think you were seeing me? Is that why you broke up? We were talking online a lot, right? Did he think—”

Morgan’s voice was hoarse. “No, not you specifically.”

Theo tried to put the pieces together, feeling like a kid who could only complete a too-difficult jigsaw puzzle by ripping, bending or forcing the pieces into place, knowing that the picture didn’t look quite right no matter how he hard he tried. Did Morgan mean that he talked to lots of people on the Internet like he did with him? He tried to find the words, feeling dumb all over again.

“Did he think you were having relationships with other people?”

Morgan’s nod was small.

Theo looked over Morgan’s shoulder at their reflection, wondering how many lovers had broken up in front of its antique silvered glass. Morgan held him tighter.

“Were….” Theo couldn’t ask. He didn’t want to know the answer. He felt terrible. When Morgan stepped back, Theo could see his own face in the mirror clearly. He absolutely looked his age right then.

Morgan’s words rushed in to fill his sudden, sick silence.

“Wait, no! I meant that he thought I was…. Look, it doesn’t matter. It’s over and he was wrong. We were just friends, right, Theo? Before we broke up, you and I were just friends. I didn’t deserve….” He looked anywhere rather than at Theo right then, hand in his hair as if he still had something there to clutch.

“What happened, Morgan?”

Theo watched him shake his head and heard him whisper, “It doesn’t matter now.” Morgan shuffled closer. “It doesn’t matter. This is the only thing that matters. I don’t want to think about it anymore.” His lips slid over Theo’s, hot and dry and desperate.

Theo wanted to know more. He still couldn’t figure out how the normally fierce and fearless man he met defending other people on the Internet could turn into someone who seemed to be in some kind of shock. Morgan kissed him forcefully, pushing him until he was backed up against the hall table. He kissed Theo, hard and fast and dirty, hands pushing up under his clothes, touching and grabbing, needy.

“Come on,” he said, licking at Theo’s neck.

“Come on.” He tugged him down the hallway to their room, pushing Theo over to the bed, pulling at his clothes.

“Come on, Theo. Make me think about something else.”

Theo kissed him back, breaking away only to pull off his shirt. He sat on the edge of the bed, feeling half turned on, half ambivalent. Something was definitely wrong, but Morgan was making it pretty clear that he needed him right then. He groaned as Morgan knelt, licking at his chest, pressing the heel of his palm against his cock. Morgan’s breath was hot across his nipple, his stiff tongue flicking him into arousal so sharp he felt it in his balls. When he pushed against his chest, Theo fell back willingly, mindlessly arching as soon as he felt Morgan unfastening his pants, freeing his cock.

Morgan’s mouth was wicked. He sucked lightly, almost too lightly, waiting until Theo thrust into his mouth, needing more, before he increased the pressure. Theo grew in his mouth, hardening quickly, squirming at the insane pleasure of Morgan’s tongue on the underside of his head, and the shiver-inducing feathering of fingers under his balls. He took it for as long as he could, then pulled Morgan’s head away. They struggled out of the rest of their clothes, only stopping once they were both naked.

Theo straddled Morgan, who lay flat on his back. He dipped in for kiss after kiss, alternating working his way down his long, perfectly pale body with coming back for more. Morgan’s eyes were unfocused, his lips swollen and deep pink. Theo looked down, seeing how Morgan jacked himself slowly, already erect as Theo knelt above him. He kissed him again, feeling a sharp tug as Morgan’s fingers tangled in his hair and not caring at all.

“I need it, babe.” Morgan sounded breathless. Theo needed it too. Whatever it was that had created the weird mood shift between them left him with an echo of the hollowness he felt when he tried to get on with living after losing Ben. No matter what he did, the pain was there like the soundless vibration left in the air long after someone rang a bell. He reached for a condom and lube, pushing Morgan’s leg up and resting it against his shoulder.

Morgan lurched away, turning over and getting up on his knees.

“Like this. Do me like this.” He jumped as Theo’s slick fingers pressed against him.

“I’m sorry.” Theo pressed kisses onto the small of Morgan’s back as he worked a finger in.

“Don’t be sorry. You haven’t done a single fucking thing to be sorry for. Just fuck me, Theo.”

He withdrew his finger and added more slick before carrying on. Morgan pushed back, clearly needing. Theo wrestled on a condom, fingers slippery, feeling an almost overwhelming urge to pull Morgan under their covers to love him face to face.