After Ben (35 page)

She grated cheese while he washed and dried the pans in the sink.

“Morgan seems very pleasant.” She kept her face lowered as she spoke. Theo thought for a moment before speaking.

“He argues a lot. He can’t cook. He’s as messy as hell. Sometimes he’ll say the opposite of what he believes just to test you. He’s slow to trust but quick to offer help. He has the hugest heart, and he’ll support people—complete strangers—who might turn around and hurt him. Sometimes he’s a little shit, usually right when he needs someone to lean on.”

His mom stopped grating, looking up, her mouth open in a perfect O.

“You might as well know right from the start, Mom. I have no idea what will happen between us. I have no idea how long we’ll last or if he even wants something long-term with me. But you need to know this: I want him in my life for as long as he’ll have me.” He sat opposite her, wrapping his hands around her bowl of cheese to stop them from shaking.

“He’s younger than me. A lot younger than me.” He snorted, then added, “He thinks he knows more than me about everything.” He lowered his voice. “I think he’s probably right.”

“Theo….”

“No, Mom. Don’t say anything. I just had to tell you. It’s not like I’m a kid anymore, right? I’m old enough to make my own mistakes. I always was, and I’m more than old enough to recognize a good thing when I see it.” He watched her lips tighten. She looked up, her dark gray eyes mirror images of his own.

“I think you have a pretty good track record of choosing well, Theo.” She wrapped her fingers around his. They sat in silence until the timer pinged. He watched as she gathered herself before crossing to the stove and pulling out the hot pan that contained their supper. She sprinkled the cheese over its contents, then set it back in the oven.

“You know, Theo, the older you get, the harder it is to learn new things,” she said with conviction. “But it’s not impossible. It’s true. I even learned to program the delay on the dishwasher.” When she smiled, the years dropped away, and his mom—his mom, not the brittle woman who used to sit across from Ben, watching him as if she expected him to break Theo’s heart at any moment—looked back at him. “Go and tell the boys that dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”

He went, feeling both lighter and heavier, wishing he’d had the same conversation years before. He was almost certain that they needed to live through what they had already to meet somewhere in the middle, but hated that they’d had to do so. As he approached the den doorway, he heard his dad shout.

“That is a complete lie. I don’t know where you heard that, but you’re dead wrong, kid.”

Theo stopped—paralyzed—devastated that he’d built a bridge in the kitchen only to hear his dad kicking one down in the den. He rested his head against the door, face flushed, feeling sick. He hadn’t heard his dad shout for over twenty years.

“Oh, give it up, old man. Read it and weep.” Morgan sounded absolutely fucking delighted.

“I will not. I can’t, anyhow. I don’t have my glasses with me.”

“That’s pathetic. They’re on your head. You know you’re wrong. Just accept it.”

Theo pushed his way into the room. Morgan wasn’t on the couch where he’d left him. He was perched on a footstool instead, by his dad’s chair near the fire, right where Theo used to sit as a kid. He scrolled on his phone, then thrust it in his dad’s face. Morgan’s smile was beautiful, his skin flushed and his eyes sparkling. Theo found it hard to look away from him as his dad took Morgan’s iPhone, holding it almost at arm’s length before starting to read. His “Well, shit!” made Morgan laugh loudly. His dad joined in, shaking his head.

For a second, Theo found himself remembering the man at the fair, encouraging marks to chase the ace. He thought the man had used magic. He’d been certain of it when his six-year-old hands couldn’t master what his dad called a simple trick. Theo watched his boyfriend sit at his dad’s feet, mocking him, making him open up, casting some strange spell. Yeah, Morgan was magic all right.

His voice sounded weird when he told them that dinner was nearly ready. They both looked up, smiling, and Theo wondered when breathing got to be so fucking hard. He motioned for them to stay where they were, his chest aching, pulling out his cell phone and taking their picture. The image he captured was a little blurred around the edges: Morgan was mid-eye roll; his dad was shoving his glasses back on his head. They both grinned. He’d never taken a picture like it at his parents’ house before, and he was still looking at the digital screen when his dad went through to the kitchen.

Morgan’s hands were warm—so warm—on his cheeks.

“Hey.”

Theo nodded back.

“We were talking politics.”

“I guessed.” His voice still sounded weird.

“I’m so sorry your dad’s such a fucking idiot, Theo.” He kissed him, just a brief pass of soft, dry lips that made Theo sway as he continued. “It does account for a lot, though….” Theo grabbed Morgan and kissed him properly, fiercely, holding him tight, his phone dropping to the couch.

They held each other up until his mom shouted, “Boys! Dinner!”

Later, Theo tried to remember if he had ever shared a more relaxed meal with his parents and a boyfriend. Even when he had been much younger and had brought boyfriends home during his first years at college, things had always been a little awkward. He guessed that was understandable. When he brought Ben home with him, his mother seemed to take his inquisitiveness as criticism. It made for meals so tense that Theo found it hard to swallow.

Morgan set the tone of their first family evening right from the start.

“This is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.”

Theo blinked as his mom blushed with pleasure and scooped another serving onto Morgan’s already heaped plate.

“You need to teach me how to make this. Your son is hopeless, and one of us has to learn to cook or we’ll both starve.” He nodded, then tilted his head toward Theo, adding, “Of course he’s far, far too old to learn now.” Theo choked; his dad shook his head while his mother stared at her plate.

When she finally spoke, Theo expected her usual reserve, but was surprised when she made eye contact with Morgan instead.

“You’d be surprised just how much an old dog can learn, Morgan, given the right incentive.” They smiled at each other before she asked, “Do you really like it?”

Morgan nodded, his expression solemn. “I never lie about serious things.” He took another huge bite.

“I shall teach you then. It’s the mix of cheeses that makes the difference. I finish it with parmigiano.” Her eyes slid across to Theo. “Ben said it would improve the recipe, and he was right.” Her eyes fell, then lifted again. Morgan shrugged, then ate and ate while arguing good-naturedly with Theo’s dad, acting as if they were a completely normal, happy family. Theo watched as he joked and charmed, mocked and asked questions, listening to their answers with obvious interest. Theo sat at his old kitchen table and caught a glimpse of the future.

Everything looked possible, better, happier.

He put his fork down, suddenly unable to swallow.

Under the table, his mom squeezed his feet between her own.

Chapter 20

M
ORGAN
found excuses to come see Theo at work every day during that first week. He only stopped by for a few minutes, asking to use the copier or sneaking one of his interns away for coffee. Theo found himself looking out for him, peering through his blinds instead of concentrating on his work, making excuses of his own for his lack of productivity that Maggie listened to, brows raised, in complete, skeptical silence. He couldn’t believe that she really had nothing to say about his change in relationship status.

Theo waited until Thursday morning before making her talk. She finished up describing his schedule for the following day, and then made notes when he listed additional tasks. He had a lot to complete before he left for Italy with his parents the following week.

“Rearrange the last meeting tomorrow for earlier in the day, or cancel it please, Maggie.” She nodded, adding to the list she’d already compiled on her pad. “I’m helping Morgan move the rest of his stuff over to my place, so I’ll be taking half a day of personal leave.” She nodded again before looking up.

“Anything else, Theo?”

“Yes, Maggie, we’ll need you to organize a U-Haul. Morgan has a lot of bodies in his freezer to move, and his assault rifles take up more space than I imagined. Also, can you contact my bank and transfer all of my accounts into his name? We’re setting up a new Internet church, and Morgan says he needs all my money as a sign of my faith. Did I tell you his name isn’t really Morgan? It’s Adam. Can you believe it? That’s definitely a sign from God.”

She closed her eyes.

“Alternatively, you could just believe that he isn’t an Internet crazy who wants to hurt me.”

When Maggie opened her eyes again, they shone.

“I don’t think he wants to hurt you, Theo.” She sat on his desk and kicked at his ankle, her lips pressing into thin, white lines before she added, “I just worry that he might do it accidentally.”

“Shall I tell you why I’m not concerned about that, Maggie?” He held out his hands until she gave up the pad she clutched so tightly. She wrapped her arms around herself, shrugging.

“I already know him. I’ve known him for months. I already know all about where he grew up, and what his family values were. I know that he misses them all so much, particularly his dad, but I’m pretty certain I’m not a replacement, if that’s what you’re wondering. He’s twenty-eight, not eighteen, and he worked through his own shit long before he met me.”

Maggie grimaced, saying, “I didn’t think that, Theo. I really didn’t. He’s not like the kids.” She inclined her head toward the outer office. They both looked out for a moment to where Joel and Evan worked side by side, leaning unconsciously toward each other. “I can see that already.”

Theo held a hand out. “I already know which subjects make him laugh, as well as the things that make him crazy. I know that he takes half a day to wake up, and that he’s as grumpy as hell until he eats. I know he loves olives, but hates anchovies, and I’m pretty certain that he thinks my pizza delivery guy is hot.”

Maggie blinked at him and took his hand before adding, “Yeah, he’s not wrong.”

Theo smiled. “I know that Morgan is honest to a fucking fault about things that matter, and if he has secrets, well, I don’t want to know them. We both had lives before.” Theo was guessing. He and Morgan discussed pretty much anything and everything, apart from Morgan’s prior partners. Sometimes he felt a little bad about that, imagining that the intensity of the way he remembered Ben left little room for his new partner to discuss past breakups. Maybe Morgan thought that his own hurts paled in comparison. Theo hoped that wasn’t the case.

Theo then repeated what he had said to his own mother. “I’m happy. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am very happy right now.” He shrugged. “Morgan makes me happy.” That was all he had to say, just a few words that made everything else irrelevant.

His assistant sighed, then nudged his ankle again. “You know I’m pleased for you, right? It’s just….” Her face twisted as she struggled to find the right words. “It’s what we all want for you, Theo—all of us. I guess he just isn’t what I expected for you.” She squeezed his hand before picking up her pad and turning to leave. “He’s just so… so….” Theo nodded, encouraging her to just spill it already. If she had a hang-up about their age gap, he’d rather deal with it right now. It was what it was. People needed to get over it like he had.

“He’s just so—” She made it to the door. “—so much hotter than you. Talk about a lucky break.” She grinned, backing out quickly while he grumbled.

Maggie wasn’t wrong. She never fucking was. Theo tried to get his head back in the game, needing to plow through work to make leaving early the next day feasible, especially as he would be away the whole following week. Her quick knock made him look up.

“Do you really need a U-Haul?” He shook his head, and she withdrew, pulling the door closed behind her. Morgan said he really didn’t have that much stuff. Maybe that was a legacy of all the moves he’d made growing up—he learned to travel light. Theo remembered the way Morgan had asked for his help to do something that really shouldn’t need two people.

Theo had started the conversation with Morgan the night before. They were sprawled across his couch—the best couch in creation, according to Morgan—panting, sweat chilling, starting to stick together, when Theo suggested that Morgan move the rest of his stuff out of his old place. After a rare silence, Theo lifted himself a little, yanking a throw over them both, smiling as Morgan snuggled in.

“Hey, don’t go to sleep yet.”

Morgan was indignant. “I’m not! I was just thinking.”

“Well, don’t do that in your head. Do it out loud like usual.”

Morgan mumbled, “So fucking bossy,” into Theo’s shoulder, his lips tickling, making Theo shift onto his side.

“I want you here, Morgan. I can’t see any point in waiting. You like it here, right?” He looked around the room, trying to see it from Morgan’s perspective. He guessed it still looked very much his and Ben’s home. “You know we can put a lot of this stuff away? I can make room for your things.” He needed Morgan to know that. He was ready to move on.