After the Sky Fell Down (36 page)

She braced herself with the chair for a moment before lying on her bed.  What had just happened could not have possibly happened.  There was no way Luke had just said he’d fallen in love with her.  How dare he even think she loved him too.  She didn’t love him.  She’d never loved him.  Not in the way he thought anyway.  Of course she did love him.  She loved his friendship and the way he treated Sarah.  She loved the way he’d been there for her since Ben died and that he always knew what to say and do to make her feel better.  She loved that he was always there before she even knew she needed him.  She did love him, but not like he wanted.  It didn’t matter that his arms
felt like home or that the moment she heard the doorknob turn, she smiled in anticipation that he was home or that whenever they touched she felt a tingle. 
No
, she insisted shaking her head and turning forcefully on her side until she was staring at the picture of Ben on the nightstand.  None of that mattered.  She didn’t love him…not in that way. 

Ben seemed to be staring back at her in a way he never had.  While the picture was frozen, his eyes were penetrating through her, asking her what the hell she was doing.  She couldn’t look at him anymore.  She couldn’t face him.  She flipped h
erself to the other side and suddenly felt more alone than she had in a long time.  She was turning her back on Ben and she ached for someone to hold her and tell her the answers and show her everything would be okay.  She wanted to feel arms around her so she wouldn’t be alone.  She closed her eyes, trying to feel Ben’s arms around her, but the memory was practically gone now.  She squeezed her eyes tighter, willing it to come back, but the only thing that came was a tear spilling down her cheek.  She wouldn’t feel his arms again.  He’d never hold her again.  Ben was gone, but Luke…his brother, was still here and she had no trouble conjuring up the feeling of his arms around her.  So warm and kind and reassuring, but no, she didn’t love him.  She couldn’t love him. 

And then there was Jace.  He was new and fun and more understanding than she deserved.  He’d accepted all her baggage and hadn’t run away.  He made her feel good inside and she liked him.  She liked being with him.  She hadn’t been exactly forthcoming with everything and yet, when he’d learned everything, he was okay…well, maybe not okay, but he’d accepted her nonetheless and
now this thing with Luke happened to confuse things even more. 

A year ago, the night she and Luke were together, she hadn’t even been this conflicted.  That night had been a moment of weakness, of loneliness, of a need to feel something.  But now, the kiss and confession had changed everything because feelings were involved.  It hadn’t happened in a moment of depression, it had just happened, and even though she didn’t want to admit it, she thought she wanted it to happen.

She flipped over again and her eyes darted from the picture of Ben to the door that separated her from Luke.  Then her mind drifted to Jace again.  How had her life suddenly become so complicated?  Guys and relationships had been off her radar for so long.  She’d only recently even considered dating and Luke had never been in the equation, never in a million years, despite how close they were.  She could never feel anything but close friendship for Luke, or could she?  Did she?  She loved him, there was no doubt about that.  He caused her heart to race when he touched and kissed her, but did that mean she had feelings for him? 

No.  She couldn’t think about this right now. She wouldn’t think about it.  This would pass.  It had been a moment of weakness for both of them again.  She’d seen Luke as an extension of Ben, or was she just telling herself that?  She was mixed up and confused and lonely as hell.  That was the only plausible explanation. 

She was tired and just wanted to get a good night’s sleep like Sharon had told her to.  She quickly changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, trying not to think about Luke or Ben or Jace or anybody for that matter.  She tried sleeping, but while her eyes were heavy, her mind wouldn’t stop racing.  She got out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, not wanting Luke to know she was awake.  She scoured the medicine cabinet and eventually found the bottle of sleeping pills that had been her best friend after Ben died.  She looked at the bottle.  They were probably expired, but she didn’t care.  She popped two in her mouth and swallowed them down with a Dixie cup of water and then returned to her bed and waited for them to do their magic, which didn’t take long.  Soon, she felt her eyes growing heavy and her mind slowing down and eventually she was asleep. 

She was on the beach again, alone and waiting for someone.  She wasn’t quite sure who she was expecting, and as she stood in the sand, she was scared.  The night was pitch black except for a sliver of a moon overhead that was casting eerie shadows around the shore.  She felt a breeze blow behind her and she turned around suddenly feeling as if she wasn’t alone.  When she spun around, she was faced with Ben who stared at her, searching her face as if he thought she was hiding something.  She reached for him, but he stepped back.  She felt the breeze blow again from behind her and she turned around, her heart pounding, wondering what was behind her. She was now face to face with Ben again, but then she looked more carefully and saw it was Luke.  He reached for her and she stepped back, falling into the arms of Ben who held her tightly as she continued to look into the face of Luke.  And then over Luke’s shoulder another face appeared.  Jace was staring at her too.

Chapter 35

“You are so distracted.  Did
you even hear what I said?” Lacey asked the next day as they sat on the swings in the park watching Sarah play in the sandbox. 

“What?  I’m sorry Lacey.  What’d you say?” Kathryn said shaking her head as they continued to rock gently in the swings.

“It doesn’t matter.  What’s going on with you?  Your mind’s been everywhere since we got here.  I thought we were supposed to be hanging out, but I feel like I’ve been talking to myself all day.”

Kathryn sighed, knowing every word Lacey said was true.  Lacey had called wanting to hang out since they hardly saw each other anymore.  Kathryn thought it would be a good idea and a way to keep her mind off of the whole Luke dilemma, but she’d barely been able to focus on anything since they’d gotten together.

“I’m sorry,” she said looking up to her friend who was staring back at her. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“Well, that’s obvious,” she gaffed. “I’d have to be an idiot not to realize that.  What’s going on?  Anything I can help with?”

“Not unless you can get into my brain and make me understand,” Kathryn murmured. 

“What are you talking about?  What happened?”

“I don’t know what happened,” she replied, wanting desperately to talk to someone about her feelings, but at the same time wanting to clam up and forget everything.  Forget Ben, forget Luke, forget Jace.  Forget it all.

“I’m not buying it.  Talk to me,” Lacey said dragging her feet on the ground until the swing stopped.

Kathryn stopped too and considered making something up, but then realized she couldn’t.  She needed to talk to someone. 

“It’s Luke…and Jace…and Ben,” she said pausing between each name.

“Luke and Jace and Ben?” Lacey asked and Kathryn nodded. “What are you talking about?  What do they have to do with each other?”

“Things have gotten very complicated all of a sudden.”

“Uh oh.  That doesn’t sound good.  How complicated?”

“I slept with Luke,” Kathryn said not bothering to pause to brace herself or Lacey.  The words just came out and she heard Lacey gasp.

“What?” she exclaimed. “You…slept…with Luke?” she asked, her voice turning to a whisper. “What?  When?  When did this happen?  Why didn’t you tell me?”  Lacey’s voice was rambling and she didn’t stop to take a breath.

“It
happened about a year ago,” Kathryn answered softly, stunned at actually hearing the words.  She’d never admitted it out loud.

“A year ago? And you’re just now telling me?”

“It wasn’t exactly my proudest moment,” she said as her cheeks blushed from embarrassment.

“
How did it happen?  I mean, why?  I mean, how?” Lacey stuttered.

“It just did.  I was depressed and lonely and he was there and so much like Ben.  I was freaking out about Ben and raising Sarah alone and he held me and then he kissed me and it was perfect and I wanted him more than anything at that moment,” Kathryn said, the words rambling out of her mouth, shocking herself at the admission.  She had wanted
him
that night, not Ben.

“Wow,” Lacey sighed, looking down at the ground and shaking her head. “I…I don’t know what to say.  I’m speechless. I’m literally without speech.”

Kathryn couldn’t say anything either.  Lacey’s expression said it all. 

“What happened afterwards?” Lacey said a few moments later.

“Nothing.  We never even spoke of it again…until last night.”

“What happened last night?” she asked, sitting up in the swing, obviously eager to hear the rest of the story.

“We um…we went to the beach and looked at the stars, ya know how Ben and I used to?” she asked looking over to Lacey for recognition, who nodded impatiently, waiting for her to continue. “We ended up kissing again.”

“You mean, you hadn’t kissed since, ya know?”

“No. Last night was the first night since a year ago.”

“What happened?  Why’d it happen?”

“It just did.  I thought he was Ben for a second and I wanted to be with him again, but then I realized it wasn’t Ben, that it was Luke and the scary part is, I wanted him to kiss me and then…then he told me he’d fallen in love with me and that he knew I loved him too,” she said quietly, thinking back to his voice on the beach.

“What?” Lacey e
xclaimed. “This is crazy!  Seriously crazy!”

“I know!” Kathryn gasped quietly.  Even though the park was empty and no one could hear her, she still didn’t want to hear the words.

“Well?” Lacey asked a few moments later.

“Well what?”

“Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Love him.”

“No!” she exclaimed quickly. “No way.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure!  He’s Ben’s brother for God’s sake,” Kathryn said defensively. “I don’t love him, not like
that
anyway.”

“It wouldn’t be so farfetched if you did,” Lacey said softly in a voice that reminded Kathryn of the morning she’d learned she was pregnant. Lacey’s quiet voice had guided her to reason.  Maybe she was doing it again.

“He’s Ben’s little brother!”

“So?  What does that matter?” Lacey said shrugging her shoulders.

“What does it matter?  Are you delusional or something?  The matter is, he’s Ben’s
brother
,” she said stressing the word. “That’s all that needs to be said.”

“He might be Ben’s brother, but I’ve seen the way things have changed between you two since Ben died.  You’re inseparable.  You’re practically married.”

“No, we’re not!” Kathryn scoffed, and then laughed.

“Yes, you are.  You live together.  You raise Sarah together.  You do everything together.  The only thing that’s missing is the ring.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“Am I?” she asked and Kathryn looked over to Lacey, expecting to see a goofy grin spread across her face, but instead seeing her mouth formed into a serious line and her eyes staring back at her without blinking.

Kathryn looked away to her daughter playing in the sandbox, innocent to all of this.  She didn’t have a care in the world.  She wasn’t aware her father was dead or that her uncle was in love with her mother, or that her mother didn’t have a clue what in the hell she was doing. 

“This whole conversation is ridiculous,” Kathryn laughed and Lacey continued looking at her skeptically. 

“Does Jace know about you and Luke?”

“Of course not!  He only recently found out about Ben.  I can’t very well tell him, ‘Oh yeah, by the way, Luke, that guy I live with, yeah, I slept with him, but you’ve got nothing to worry a
bout because we’re just friends,” Kathryn said sarcastically.

“Well, are you going to tell him about last night?”

“No way!  I’m not telling him because it meant nothing.  It was nothing and it’s not going to happen again.  Luke’s just confused or something.”

“How do you explain your reaction then?  You said just a minute ago that you wanted it, that you liked it,” Lacey said seriously again.

“I was lonely and I was confused.  I was missing Ben and Luke reminded me of him.  That’s it.  That’s what happened. Bottom line.”

The skepticism didn’t leave Lacey’s face, but she didn’t continue with the subject.

“What are you going to do about Jace?” she asked instead.

“I’m just going to keep doing what I have been doing.  Hanging out and having fun.”

“So things are going good with him then?”

“Yes, they are,” she said as a smile spread across her face. “He’s great with Sarah and he doesn’t seem too bothered by all the craziness in my life.”

“When do I get to meet him?”