Authors: Brenda Kennedy
“
No, there’s no way of
telling. I can tell you that no matter how healthy she is, she
needs to weigh 4 lbs., before she can be moved out of
N.I.C.U.”
“
Gracie weighs 3lbs.
4oz.,” I say.
“
I see that. She is
actually not a bad weight,
especially at
just 30 weeks gestation.”
Robert and I watch as she attends to the
needs of our daughter. “Did you get to hold her?” I ask
Robert.
“
No, not yet. You have to
put your hands in here to touch her,” he says, pointing to the long
rubber-glove-looking things.
I can’t reach them from the wheelchair so I
stand on shaky legs, Robert is at my side to help support me. I put
one hand inside the long rubber gloves and gently touch Gracie’s
cheek, her tiny ear, and then her small arm. A tear slides down my
cheek when I watch how helpless our baby is. “She’s
beautiful.”
Robert
Leah dozes off and our parents leave for the
night. It has been a long and exhausting day for everyone. Leah
gave Mom a list of items to get from the house for her. Jamie’s
favorite stuffed animal, Jack, was also on the list.
As Leah sleeps I look over the stack of cards
and gifts. I’m happy so many people were here to support us. I’m
also grateful Angel spoke to Leah about premature births; it helped
to ease some of her fears.
“
Whatcha doing, Ace?” Leah
asks.
“
Wondering if you were
going to wake up so we can open these?” I say, holding up several
cards.
“
Giving birth is
exhausting.”
I slowly walk over to her and bend down and
kiss her softly. “Thank you for giving me another beautiful
daughter.”
“
She is beautiful, isn’t
she?”
“
She is.”
Leah looks concerned and asks, “How is she?
Have you been down there to see her?”
“
I have and everything is
going wonderful. The nurse brought you in a breast pump. She’ll be
in later to help you with it.”
Leah and I talk about the baby and how she is
feeling. I also show her more pictures I took on my
phone.
“
I want to see
her.”
“
You will. I want you to
rest first.”
“
I wish she was in the
room with us. Do you remember how nice it was that Jamie was in the
same room with us after her birth?”
“
I do, we had so much
bonding time with her before we went home.”
“
We sure did,” she says
sadly. Hard to believe a mentally ill nurse swapped her with
another baby during the short amount of time she was out of our
sight.” I can see Leah is thinking and she says, “Oh, God,
Robert.”
“
She’s fine, I was just
there and still has the heart on her foot.”
“
Promise?”
“
Pinky promise,” I say and
she laughs. She hold up her pinky and I hold up mine. We loop them
together and we each lean in and kiss our pinkies at the same
time.
I gather the cards and a few gifts and place
them on her bedside table. She opens a few loose cards first. They
are from Jo and Carl, Bruce and Lilly, and Bethany and Gus. They
each contain money that Leah and I will put back for Gracie’s
college education.
She opens a few gifts before she opens a gift
from Mason and Angel. It’s larger and heavier than the other gifts.
She carefully opens the envelope and it’s a small handwritten
letter. She reads it out loud.
Leah and
Robert,
A birth of a child is
nothing short of a miracle. We don’t know another couple more
deserving of this miracle than you two. Mason and I wanted to get
you something special for this special gift from God, but we
couldn’t find anything that we thought was unique enough, so we
made you something instead. You can thank your mothers for their
contribution. We hope you love it as much as we loved making
it.
Love,
Mason, Angel, Alex, and
Ana
xoxoxo
“
A handmade gift from
Mason and Angel. I didn’t know the doctor had any talent,” I
joke.
“
What could it be?” Leah
asks. I watch as she removes the bow and the wrapping paper. I help
her to remove the large lid off of the box. We both remove the top
layer of tissue paper and Leah gasps when she sees the handmade
baby quilt.
I throw the bow and wrapping paper away as
she lifts the quilt from the box. When I turn back around, Leah is
in tears. She’s holding the quilt up to her cheek and is crying. I
look at the quilt, then I look at Leah, and then I look back at the
quilt. I walk over to her and gently touch the handmade baby
blanket. Some of the material used to make it looks familiar. I
feel a few squares of fabric before I realize the quilt is made up
of clothing, blankets, shirts and dresses from Jamie’s, Leah’s, and
my clothing. I also recognize that a few pieces of material are
from our parents’ wardrobe. “Is this made from our
clothes?”
She nods and continues to cry. “Is this from
Jamie’s baby blanket?” I ask.
She wipes away her tears and to look at the
square patch I am talking about. “It is, and this is your dad’s
shirt.” I help her to spread the blanket out across her lap for a
better view. “And this is my church dress,” she says pointing to
different squares. “Your mom’s dress, my mom’s shirt, and this is
from your shirt,” she adds.
“
I liked that shirt, too,”
I say. I look at the quilt more closely and see a few squares with
a bunny on it. “I don’t remember this from
anyone.”
Leah picks it up to look at it more closely.
“It’s supposed to resemble Jack,” she says with tear-filled eyes
and a quivering lip. I hug her and she continues to cry. All I can
do is let her cry. I never would have expected anyone to take the
time to make such a sentimental gift.
After several minutes, Leah asks if we can
walk down and see Gracie.
Once the nurse examines Leah, I enter the
code and push Leah into the N.I.C.U. She doesn’t look around like
she did the last time; she focuses solely on where Gracie’s
incubator was the last time we were here. Gracie is crying as the
nurse is assessing her. Leah laughs when she hears that the crying
is coming from our daughter.
I have seen Gracie enough that I can identify
her without seeing the marking I put on her right foot. The nurse
sees us coming and smiles. “Grace, look, your Momma and Daddy are
here to see you. How are you feeling?” she asks.
“
I feel wonderful, How is
she?”
“
Giving her lungs a
workout,” she teases. “I don’t think she likes me
much.”
She puts her hand in the large glove attached
to the incubator and touches Grace softly. She pulls the blanket up
and covers her to her chin. Our daughter snuggles into the blanket
and drifts off to sleep. “I think she likes you,” I say. I put my
hand in the other glove and also touch our baby. Leah looks up at
me and smiles. I wrap my other arm around her and kiss the top of
her head. “You did it again, Leah.”
“
Did what?” she asks
unknowingly.
“
Gave me another beautiful
daughter.”
“
We did it, and she is
beautiful.”
Chapter Four: Two Weeks Later
Leah
Robert and I try to get
into a regular routine. Well, normal for us. I called Angel and
thanked her for the amazing quilt she and Mason made for Grace. She
tells me she hasn’t quilted in years and she was excited to
actually have a reason to make one. I also learned that Mason did
have a hand in its creation.
Actually, two
hands. He applauded when she was done.
Grace is still in the hospital and is going
very well. Her only setback so far is she was jaundiced for a short
time. They used the ultraviolet lights on her to help bring up her
bilirubin blood count. Our daughter is a Florida girl, she loved
soaking up the rays from the light.
I go to visit her and I can spot my daughter
from across the nursery. The heart the Robert drew on her foot is
no longer visible. She has a look that I can never confuse with
another child. She has thick black spiky hair and dark eyes. She
looks just like a combination of Robert and me.
While I was in the hospital, I had Mom and
Margie bring some things from home for Gracie. I look in her
incubator and Jamie’s stuffed animal Jack is sitting near the
bottom of the bed. I also had them bring up Jamie’s musical
ballerina music box that plays “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” The
nurse has it playing as she rocks Gracie. The cards we got while I
was in the hospital are now taped to Gracie’s bed. The Happy
Birthday and Congrats balloons are now deflating on top of the
incubator. Her small bed looks like a welcoming party and I love
it.
The nurse sees Robert and me and smiles
immediately.
“
Hi, Momma’s little girl,”
I say as I get closer to them. Nurse Amy stands and hands Gracie to
me. Robert clears his throat and I say, “I mean, Hi, Momma and
Daddy’s little girl.”
“
Thank you,” he
says.
“
You’re
welcome.”
“
She’s hungry, so you are
just on time for her feeding,” Nurse Amy says.
I hand Robert the baby so I can get ready to
nurse Gracie. She is still tiny but latches on quickly. I miss the
bonding with her when I’m not here to feed her. I pump my breasts
often so Gracie always has breast milk for her feedings. Robert
also gets to be included in her feedings and I know he needs time
to bond with her, too.
The more time that goes by, the less time
Gracie needs to be in her incubator. Robert still likes to keep her
in there as often as we can when we visit. I know he thinks it’ll
speed the process up and she’ll get to come home sooner. I
personally think that bonding with her, holding her and showering
her with love will do just as much good if not
more.
Robert winds up Jamie’s
music box and I sing along softly to the music. I rock Gracie back
and forth as I feed her. Even though she was born prematurely, she
still has long thick eyelashes. I stare at her as they fan across
her cheek and sadly she looks nothing like Jamie did. Since they
are siblings, it would be nice to compare them with the other. But
since she was switched at birth, we don’t have that option. I still
remember what Jamie looked like as an infant. I never questioned
her lighter hair. I always said she had her own looks, she didn’t
have to resemble me
or
Robert. Now, as I hold Gracie, I wonder what Madison looked
like as a baby. She looks like a combination of Robert and I now. I
imagine she and Gracie would look a lot alike.
Once Gracie burps and Robert holds her for a
brief time, he stands to put her back in her bed.
“
Would you mind if we just
held her for awhile?”
“
I think she would do
better in the incubator.”
“
Just long enough to read
her a story from Jamie’s bedtime book,” I plead. I don’t look at
him, I reach into my bag for Jamie’s book instead. I am watching
him through the corner of my eyes as he stands there pondering my
words. I get the book from my bag and Robert sits back down with
Gracie. I smile as I take her from him. “Thank you,” I say as I
stand to change her diaper.
“
I just want her to get
well enough to come home,” he says a little too
sadly.
“
I know. I do, too. But I
think family bonding will do her better than being isolated.” I nod
to the cold, sterile incubator.
“
Maybe you’re
right.”
Once the baby is changed and swaddled, I sit
beside Robert in the rocker and wait for him to read. Gracie
doesn’t cry; she lies awake and looks around at the bright lights
in the room. For Robert to be a big man he has a very calming
voice. He looks over several times as he reads and watches Gracie.
She falls asleep before the story is over and he says, “She’s just
like Jamie.”
I laugh because Jamie never stayed awake to
hear the ending of any story. Just when the book was getting to the
good part, she would fall asleep. He reads until the end and then
helps me to get her settled for the night. The hospital has
recently started letting her wear some of her own clothes. She only
has a few preemie outfits and even those are too big for
her.
On the way home from the hospital, Robert and
I stop by the bookstore first. Since Gracie’s birth, he is back to
working out every day. I spend my time at the hospital and stop in
at the shop daily. Gracie is doing very well and is steadily
gaining weight. Just not fast enough for me. I want her home and I
want to move forward with Madison. I know Robert speaks to Bruce
regularly about her, but he rarely shares anything with me. I also
know he thinks he is protecting me, but I am stronger than he gives
me credit for. I keep telling myself when the time is right I’ll
bring it up and ask him about her.
Robert and I walk hand in
hand into the bookstore. A few patrons are sitting at the bistro
table sipping on their coffee with a book in hand. The women see me
and smile, but when they look at Robert their smiles get bigger.
When we walk past them, I can almost feel that they are staring at
us. Robert holds the door open for me and I look over at them. Sure
enough, they are watching my Robert. The smell of cinnamon
buns fills the air. I think I will always find
comfort in the aroma of cinnamon. It will always feel like home,
and this is home. Dove and Bethany are at the counter. “May I
please have just ONE cinnamon bun?” Robert
pleads.