Aligned (8 page)

Dex and I ride the train back to the Ministry in silence. He holds me to his side while I cry on and off. He doesn’t tell me it will be fine or that everything will be okay. He holds me and runs his hand through my hair. We go directly home as soon as we arrive. I’m not sure what time it is, but it’s late and everyone is asleep.

“Dex, would you mind if I sleep next to Grace tonight?”

“Of course not. I’ll take the couch.”

“Nonsense, you take my bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I sleep fitfully all night, and every time I wake up crying I hold Grace a little tighter until I fall back asleep. I wake up to a little hand rubbing my face.

“Rozzie,” she whispers.

My eyes fly open and I look up at her. “Grace, did you just say my name?” I ask, astonished.

She smiles at me and nods with a giggle. I give her a big hug.

“Thank you, Grace, I really needed that today. I love you.”

The five of us usually walk to work together and then break up and go our separate ways. Today I stay home with Dex and walk Grace to school. “I have great news for you,” I tell him when we are on our way to our offices.

“Good, I could use some.”

“Grace said my name this morning.”

The look of shock on his face has me laughing.

“Really? You’re sure she talked?”

“Yes. I’m sure it wasn’t the voices in my head, Dexter. She was rubbing my face and then said ‘Rozzie.’”

His eyes brim with tears.

“She’s starting to heal isn’t she, Roz?”

“Yes, I think she is. She will be a little chatterbox before you know it.”

He grins down at me and gives me a big hug before taking the P.V.E. to his office. Before he leaves, I ask him to tell the Council I will meet with them tomorrow. I can’t handle it today. Today I am going to catch up on paperwork and messages and then tomorrow I will dive back into work. I am too sad today to focus correctly. I open my message inbox and see I have one from my dad sent early this morning.

‘
There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
’

-Washington Erving

I love you, Pumpkin!

Dad

I seriously have the best parents in the world. I dry my tears and get to work answering messages and doing busy work to keep my mind occupied. Around eleven o’clock a light knock on my door comes and Andi pops her head in.

“Hi. Am I interrupting anything?”

“Of course not, Andi. Come in.”

She comes in with a huge arrangement of beautiful roses. There are so many different colors: oranges and reds, pinks and yellows.

“These are for you, from Wesley. There’s a card.”

I pluck the card out and read it. He has written the lyrics to our favorite song that I sing whenever he is sad. He didn’t even sign his name. That is Wes’s way of cheering me up. When we were younger and I got sad he would bring me a handpicked rose. He said that since my name meant rose he thought they should make me extra happy. He must have been right because it always worked.

“These are perfect, thank you, Andi. I’m assuming this is your handiwork?”

“Yes, I put them together though Wes was very specific about what flowers to pick and he wrote the note himself.”

“Thank you, it was so sweet of you both.”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, just sad. I’ll be better soon.”

“So how are things with you and Wes?” I ask because I’m curious, but I also want to change the subject.

Andi blushes and looks at the floor.

“Oh, Wes and I are only good friends.”

“But you want more?”

“I don’t think he is able to give more. At least not now,” she says quietly. “I’m not sure if he ever will.”

“He will, Andi; don’t give up. I can tell he likes you but Wes is a bit different. Social interactions make him uncomfortable and he has a hard time building personal relationships. Once he does, though, he’s yours for life.”

She doesn’t say anything and I let it go.

“Thank you again for the flowers, and please thank Wes for me.”

The rest of the day is spent mostly by myself catching up on things. Natasha stops by and brings me lunch. We eat together and keep the topics light. She shows me the ring Masters gave her, talks about how they are planning to have a small wedding, and asks if I would stand up with her. I wholeheartedly accept. When it’s time to leave for the day Wes and Molly show up to walk me home.

“Thank you for the flowers and card, Wesley. That sure was sweet.”

“You liked that huh?”

“Yes I did. I also liked that you had Andi help you.”

He rolls his eyes. “Before you go getting any crazy ideas I only had her help so that you would hug her and not me.”

I laugh, and out of spite, I hug him.

It’s nice to be able to have our usual banter. Molly talks about one of the new interns on the floor who is cute, and Wes goes on about how much help the Career Department needs and how fortunate it is for them that he came when he did. It’s nice to have things back to normal, even if it’s only for a little while.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I tell Dex that before I meet with the Council again I want to tour the Ag Department so I have a better idea of what I’m working with. I have two hours before I’m supposed to meet with the department head, Max Coldwell. I am getting some of my messages and weekly updates out of the way when Judy buzzes me.

“Miss Roz, I have Dr. Wright’s assistant on the phone asking if you are available to come see her.”

“Now?”

“Yes. Apparently it’s not a request.”

Of course it isn’t. The Council warned me that I would have to have mandatory sessions, but a heads up would have been nice.

“Of course, Judy. Tell me where to go and I will be there soon.”

A few minutes later Judy comes in to my office. “Sorry, Miss Roz, apparently they are now strictly enforcing sessions without notice so you can’t prepare for them,” she says with an apologetic smile.

“Is delving into my innermost thoughts something I can prepare for?” I ask sarcastically.

Judy laughs. “I guess they think so. I sent the coordinates and directions to your watch. They will be expecting you. “

“Thank you, Judy. I’ll be back soon, hopefully more enlightened than when I left.” I reach Dr. Wright’s office in a few short minutes. It is painted a calming shade of green with soft music playing and a waterfall in the middle of the room. The assistant tells me to head on in, that the doctor is ready for me. I walk into the office to see a middle aged woman with a sweet smile and knowing eyes. She has brown hair that is mostly gray now, and glasses that hide light brown eyes. She is well dressed and waiting for me in a wing back chair.

“Good morning, Rosaline. My name is Cynthia Wright. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.”

“I wasn’t aware I had a choice in the matter.”

She smiles widely at my comment. “Not exactly, although it’s nice not to have to hunt you down. Let’s cut right to the chase, Roz. I’m here for several reasons. The first is for your sake. You have a difficult, stressful, and demanding job. You need someone in whom you can completely confide. I have full clearance and have signed many confidentiality agreements. Anything you tell me will not leave this room.”

“The second reason is I’m here on behalf of the Council and the country. It is my job to make sure the stress of the job isn’t getting to you and if I do see any signs of the job becoming too much, or anything else for that matter, I am mandated to report it to the Council. So you know, nothing you say will ever be repeated to them, but they will be told if I think it’s best you step down from your job. Do you understand?”

I find her honesty refreshing and I love knowing exactly where I stand with people and what to expect.

“Perfectly. Thank you for being up front with me.”

“I will always be honest and up front with you, and all I ask is that you do the same. It’s all right to be stressed and overwhelmed. It is my job to try to help you through it and find an appropriate course of action. Also, the Council wanted you to know that they are all seeing me as well. They wouldn’t ask this of you if they weren’t also willing to do this themselves. Everything they say will also be confidential and not shared, unless they grant me permission to do so.”

“So how does this work exactly? Do you ask me questions? Do I talk to you about my problems? I’ve never been to a therapist before so I’m not sure what is required of me.”

“Honesty is the only thing I require,” Dr. Wright says warmly. “If you don’t feel like talking about a certain subject I will be fine with moving on for that session, but only if you are honest about why. Other than that, I will be asking questions and you can also freely talk. I want this to be an open space where you are comfortable bringing anything and everything to me. If the Council has any concerns of how something might specifically affect you, they will inform me and I will most likely bring it up at some point. Know that it isn’t them tattling or spying on you, it is just a concern. They feel greatly responsible for the way things went badly with the last president and they want to make sure they stay on top of things in the future.”

That makes perfect sense and, in a way, I think it’d be nice to finally have someone to completely open up to and get a fresh perspective. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

“Do you have any questions for me?”

“None that I can think of right now.”

“Wonderful, so let’s start. I’d like to get to know you a little bit, find out how you are handling everything, see where you stand on a few issues, and we can dig deeper next time. I will set up routine visits, and also know you are free to come see me anytime; just check with my assistant to make sure I’m not in session.”

“That’s very nice of you, thank you. I’m surprised it took the Council a whole year to get this started. I assumed it would happen right away.”

“Yes, well it was a long process to pick me specifically. There were several of us tested, and re-tested, and interviewed. It was a long and tedious process, and once I was chosen and cleared, I had to be briefed on you and all of the Council members. I had to learn each of your files and also be notified about everything going on at the Ministry. Now that I am up to speed, it will be routine.”

I can’t do much but stare back at her. I am surprised she is being so honest with me. It’s the first time since I’ve been in the Ministry that someone has openly told me they read my file and researched everything about me. Most people skim over the fact they are invading your privacy.

“You look shocked. Are you all right?”

“Oh yes, sorry. I must admit I
am
a bit shocked,” I say with a nervous laugh. “I wasn’t expecting you to be so open with me since most people pretend like they aren’t invading my private life.”

“I think we will get along perfectly fine, Roz. I told you I would be completely truthful and honest with you as long as you are the same. I can’t imagine living under a microscope like you have to. It must be frustrating, even more so when people pretend it isn’t happening.”

“That’s it exactly.”

“I promise no pretending on my part. So…how are you fitting in at the Ministry?”

“I’m doing pretty well. It was a hard transition. I think the hardest part is trying to make changes without making too many waves. Sometimes I feel as though I was set up by the Council, but for the most part I think they back me.”

“Set up? How?” Dr. Wright asks, looking interested.

“Honestly, it’s hard to explain. They bring me in because they want a young, fresh, new look, they want someone who thinks out of the box, and feels for people, so they say anyway. Then as soon as I start taking action and making changes because I feel for people, they put up roadblocks and question my every move.”

“I see how that can be frustrating. I guess it’s that ‘grass is always greener’ thing.”

I smile. I really do like Cynthia. “I suppose you’re right. And now that Dex is on the Council it has changed the dynamic entirely.”

“Dexter Vaughn?”

“Yes, one and the same.”

“I could pretend I don’t know what you are referencing and have you tell me, but Dex has already been in to see me, so from his perspective at least I know a bit of your history. Does that make it hard for you now that he is a Council member?”

“I don’t know if hard is the right word. In some ways he has made it easier. He’s been able to get the Council to understand better than I can. For not knowing me well he also seems to know exactly what I need and want to say, and tends to get them to understand in a way I can’t. I guess the hardest thing is living together as roommates and then having a completely different relationship as president and Council member. I think sometimes it’s hard not to find the line blurry.”

“I understand. Do you feel like it would be better if he didn’t live with you?”

“If it were only Dex and I, yes, it would be much easier. However, the best thing for his sister is to be where they are. I knew it would be hard to separate the two worlds when he moved in, although I also knew it would be best for that little girl, so it has been completely worth it.”

“I see. So you have a fondness for little Grace. I’ve seen her around a few times. She sure is adorable.”

I can’t hide the smile and maybe even pride in that fact. Even though she isn’t mine, sometimes it feels as though she is.

“She sure is. I’m so proud of her for how well she’s been doing lately.”

“According to Dex you are a big part of that.” I raise my eyebrow at her because I didn’t think she was allowed to mention other clients.

“He told me it was fine to share certain things with you,” she explains at my questioning look.

“Oh, I see. Well I
don’t
give you permission to share my thoughts with him,” I say, smiling, but completely serious.

“I understand. I don’t think he was expecting it. He told me you have taken on the mother role with Grace, and where she is concerned I am free to share.”

“That was sweet of him. To be honest, I easily forget she isn’t mine.”

“I don’t think that is a problem, do you?”

“I’m not sure. Most of the time I don’t think it is, though sometimes I catch myself wondering how this little dysfunctional family is really going to work. I mean, she’s nearly six now, and still so young that it doesn’t seem abnormal to have her brother and three friends—me, Wes, and Molly—raising her. What happens once she realizes she should have a mom and dad like other kids? And what happens when she expects Dex and I to get married and be her family?”

Crap, I didn’t mean to say that last part, although now that I’ve opened my big mouth I know she is going to zero right in on that topic.

“Is that what you want, to get married and be her family?”

I knew it, stupid mouth! I put my face in my hands. Dex is a topic I want completely off limits. Then again, maybe I can use a fresh perspective.

“I’d be lying if I said no. I also know he isn’t ready for a relationship right now. I’m young, but I know when you bring hurt into a relationship, just because you’re happy now doesn’t mean that old hurt goes away. It wouldn’t be right for us to move on before he is ready, and Grace would only end up being hurt by that.”

Cynthia studies me for a minute before an impressed smile breaks out on her face.

“You surprise me, Roz. I read you were very mature for your age. I’ve dealt with many people twice your age who haven’t figured that out yet. Most people, especially people who are hurting, tend to forget the pain when they enter a new relationship. The euphoria outshines the pain for a while. They think they are fine and have moved on until something triggers that pain and hurt, then they feel it all over again and tend to blame their partner for not being able to take the hurt away. That’s usually when the phrase ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ pops up. People misread that happy euphoric feeling of a new relationship for love.”

That is exactly how I feel as well. I do think there is something between Dex and I, but I’ve seen his moods switch back and forth so easily, I know he isn’t ready to move on. We were perfect in the O.C., but once we came back here he couldn’t make up his mind what he wanted.

“That’s exactly how I feel. I know love has its highs, but it also has its lows. My parents are extremely in love, and that’s exactly the kind of love I want. I want someone who will take care of me when I’m sick, put up with my bad moods, and make me strive to be a better person. While I do think Dex might be that person, at the same time I know he will never be able to move on until he puts his past to rest. I know I will only get crushed in the process if we rush it.”

“That’s wise of you, Roz.”

“I’m not sure if he sees it that way. What if he’s never ready?”

“He will be. It takes time to move on from past hurts. He might not be ready to open up today, or to be fully healed, but eventually with time and hard work he will be. If you’re willing to wait he’ll be ready.”

“I’m only seventeen. I can wait. I know a lot of girls my age are engaged or married but I have so much on my plate right now, a relationship is the last thing I need to worry about.”

Since we get our jobs so young, we tend to mature at a faster rate than children in most countries. A lot of girls are in serious relationships and engaged or married by eighteen. It isn’t uncommon to get married right out of university and start having kids. As much as I always wanted that for myself, now that I’m at that age, I’m perfectly fine waiting. Molly never wanted that family lifestyle, so we got along perfect when all our friends had steady boyfriends. I never wanted a boyfriend really, and Molly could never settle for just one.

“Thank you for your insight, Cynthia, I really appreciate it.”

“That’s what I’m here for. How are you dealing with the loss of your little friend?”

Just thinking R.J.’s name hurt. It isn’t a subject I am ready to talk about yet. My eyes fill with tears and I shake my head.

“I understand. It’s a tough subject and one we can revisit at a later date.”