All for Maddie (3 page)

Maddie settled into my lap
and cuddled her little body next to mine. I loved it when she was cuddly. It
didn’t happen often. She was too busy to be still long enough to snuggle. I
suddenly wished Reed wasn’t coming over. I would rather have been cozy on the
sofa with my baby girl than entertaining him.

“I fweezen,” Maddie
announced, pulling her little arms between her body and mine. I pulled the
blanket from the back of the couch and covered her up. We watched Tinker Bell for
the one-millionth time. I didn’t understand how she could be so consumed in a
show that she had seen over and over again. She was. She never took her eyes
from it.

“Are you hungry?” I asked,
kissing her wet head.

“I did eat wif Papaw.”

“What did you eat with
Papaw?”

“Um, I not know.”

“You don’t know what you
ate?”

“Shhh, I have a see dis.”

I smiled and shook my head,
sliding her over so that I could stand.

“Mommy’s going to have a bowl
of cereal. Do you want one?”

“No, I alweady eated wif
Papaw.”

Maddie wasn’t hungry, that’s
why I fed her over half of my bowl of cereal. As soon as her belly was full she
was curled up next to me, asleep in no time. I slid her to the pillow and went
to the shower.

I slid on shorts, a t-shirt,
and pulled my hair back before grabbing a beer and heading to the front porch. I
loved summers by the river. You couldn’t count the different sounds of nature.
There were too many, and the river flowing in the distance made it even more
ambient.

I saw Reed’s headlights
before I heard his truck. He parked and walked to the porch, sitting beside me
on the top step.

“Hi,” he said, leaning in for
a kiss.

“Hi, I was beginning to think
you weren’t coming. Phone broke?” I don’t know why I said that. Reed and I
didn’t have that kind of relationship. I didn’t care where he was or what he
was doing.

“Did you want me to call? I
told you I was coming over.”

“No, do you want a beer?”

“Nah, I can’t stay long. I
have a busy day tomorrow.”

“I see. Just stopping by for
a bootie call, eh?”

“Would you like for me to
leave?”

“Nope, come on. I don’t want
to keep you too long.” And just like that, Reed followed me to my room. I
routinely removed my clothes as he did, watched him slide on a condom and crawl
on top of me. Exactly twenty minutes later, Reed was in his truck, backing out
of my driveway. He took care of my thirst and his job was done.

<><><> 

“I commin too,” Madelyn
demanded as I packed a small duffle bag for my weekend getaway.

“No, you’re staying with
Papaw all night, remember?”

“No, I go wif you. K?”

“Papaw will be sad. He wants
you to stay with him. He’s going to take you to see Rusty.”

Madelyn formed an O with her
mouth. “I have a feed him a carrot.”

I wasn’t really sure if my
dad was going to take her to see the new foal or not. I was sure that he would
be now. Maddie would make sure of it. Maddie didn’t forget.

“I feed Wusty, Papaw,”
Madelyn called, running to him as soon as I placed her feet on the ground.

“Thanks, Whit. I really don’t
have time for that today,” my dad responded with a frown.

“Tell her no,” I taunted,
knowing he wouldn’t do it. “I love you,” I said kissing Maddie’s cheek. She
wasn’t interested in my departure. She was interested in Rusty, the baby horse
a few miles down the road at my Uncle Franks. “I’ll call and check on her
later,” I said walking off the deck to my truck.

“Bye, Maddie!” I called.

I started off in my old Ford
pickup truck, excited to get away. I hadn’t been away from Maddie since I went
into Lincoln for Kylie’s sister’s wedding, almost two years ago. I stopped the
guilty thoughts as soon as they surfaced by turning the music up loud, blaring
Prince’s Raspberry beret. I had nothing to feel guilty about. I was a good mom
and was with my daughter all the time. I deserved to go out and have a good
time.

Almost two hours later, I was
pulling into the drive of a beautiful home on the corner of a cul-de-sac. I
couldn’t believe the size of Kylie and Aaron’s new house. It was gorgeous and I
was extremely envious. I could have been right there with her. I should have
had a business degree too. I should have gotten to sleep in the dorms, be her
roommate, and party with the college boys alongside her. I didn’t get to do
that. Instead, I had to listen to her college tales while rocking my baby,
changing diapers, and partying all night to a fever. No. No. I didn’t mean
that. I loved Maddie. I wouldn’t have traded her for college in a million
years.

“Kylie, I love it. It’s
beautiful!” I exclaimed, stepping into her foyer. Foyer. Kylie had a foyer. I
had a mud rug on my front porch. This house was ridiculous. I couldn’t help but
be a little resentful when Aaron slid his arm around her back. They were in
love. They had the house. They had the careers. They had the cars, the pool,
the clothes, and the look. They were no doubt precocious in the classy
department.

 I suddenly felt
self-conscious, wearing my jean shorts and Simon and Garfunkel t-shirt. Kylie
was wearing some sort of designer pants outfit with a satin blouse. Aaron was
wearing black dress slacks with a light blue golf shirt. It was hot out. I
thought they were crazy, then again, it was probably what they were used to. It
suddenly dawned on me that I brought jeans for the bachelorette party. I was
sure that Kylie wouldn’t be in jeans. I should have gone shopping before I
came.

“I was hoping we had time to
shop, before the party,” I blurted for whatever reason. I didn’t want to shop.
I didn’t have the money to shop. I was saving what extra money I did get from
waiting tables for Maddie’s birthday party.

“We can if you want, but I
kind of already bought you a dress. We’re all wearing the same thing in
different colors.”

“How do you know it will
fit?”

Kylie tilted her head, giving
me that look. “You have been the same size as me since the third grade. I think
I know what will fit. Want to see it?”

“Yeah.”

Kylie kissed Aaron, sending
that hint of jealously my way. “Can you put Whit’s things in her room?”

“Sure,” Aaron smiled as I
followed Kylie to the most magnificent master suite I have ever seen in my
life. I’d never beheld so much elegancy in all my life.

“Holy shit, Ky. This room is
crazy.”

“I know, right? Wait till you
see the bathroom.”

I couldn’t wait. I had to see
right that second. I didn’t understand. How in the hell did two people fresh
out of school afford something like that. It was beyond belief. The Jacuzzi tub
was bigger than my entire bathroom. Maddie would have a hay day in that thing.
I knew Kylie had just landed a job with an advertising company and Aaron was
going to work at the law firm with his dad, but still. I had a hard time paying
my electric bill. I hated to think what kind of house payment that place held.

“Look!” Kylie called, holding
up the slinkiest red dress possible.

“I can’t wear that,” I
demanded, seeing the sexy, short, club dress.

“Oh yes you can, and these,”
she said, holding up the black stilettos that I was sure to break my neck in.

“Where the hell are you
taking me?”

“To a male review,” she
smiled.

“You’re joking.”

“Nope, we have a private room
reserved, just for us girls with six entertaining men, walking around in
speedos, and serving us drinks.”

“And Aaron’s okay with that?”

“Aaron will be attending his
own party,” she said with that look, implying that he too would be entertained
for the last time by beautiful women.

Aaron took us out to a fancy
restaurant for supper where I met his parents, some of Kylie’s friends, and a couple
of Aaron’s. I was so happy that Kylie was the same size as me. I would have
stuck out like a banana in a red apple bowl.

I didn’t feel out of place or
beneath the group at all. They all made me feel very welcomed, and one of
Aaron’s friends, Barry, hit on me the whole night. I didn’t mind. He was hot.
Hot as hell. Maybe this trip wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Maybe it was.

“Whitley, show Aaron’s mom a
picture of Maddie,” Kylie urged.

I took out my phone and slid
my thumb across the screen at the multitude of pictures of my little Maddie. I
suddenly missed her and wondered if she was asleep yet. It wasn’t quite nine so
it was a tossup. It really depended on whether or not my dad made her nap.

“How old is she?” Aaron’s
mother asked.

“She’ll be three next month,”
I proudly said, looking at her silly little smile.

“You don’t look old enough to
have a 3 year old. You must have been pretty young.”

“I had her when I was 18,” I
admitted.

I noticed very quickly, that
Barry was no longer interested in me. I was okay with that too. I already had
one guy that couldn’t accept Maddie. I didn’t need another one. I excused
myself and went to the bathroom to try and catch her still awake.

“Hey, thought you were going
to call me and let me know you made it okay,” my dad chastised.

“I did, I talked to Dana. You
were outside with Maddie.”

“Oh, everything go okay? No
problems with the truck?”

“No, she ran like a gem. Is
Maddie asleep yet?”

“No, she’s eating ice cream.
Maddie, your momma wants to talk to you!” he called.

“I eat ice cream,” she said
in the phone.

“I bet you are eating
chocolate, right?”

“No, I eat white wif
chocolate all over da top. Papaw not wet me have gummy bears doe.”

“I don’t have any gummy
bears. Papaw will buy you some tomorrow,” I heard my dad say.

“Did you go see Rusty?”

“Uh-huh, and a doctor was der
and gived him a shot.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, I have a eat my ice
cream now, it gonna melt.”

“Okay, I love you, baby.”

“She’s gone,” my dad said,
replacing busy Maddie.

I laughed. “Okay, give her a
kiss for me.”

“Okay, you be safe out there.
You hear.”

“I will, Dad. I’ll talk to
you, tomorrow.”

Kylie was right, the guys
walking around half-naked were outrageous. There were a total of nine girls
from the wedding party. We, honest to God, all wore the exact same dress with
nine different colors. I didn’t believe Kylie when she had first told me that
we were all wearing the same dress. I thought for sure some of them would be
different in some sort of fashion. They weren’t and there truly were nine
different colors anything from my red to Emily’s hot pink and of course Kylie’s
white. And if I do say so myself, we were some hot looking chicks.

We stayed at the bar for a
little more than three hours, until the women didn’t want to be with men they
weren’t allowed to touch anymore. They wanted to go where the guys were. Kylie
was no exception. She wanted to be where Aaron was, and so we did, piling into
a minivan taxi, and meeting them in a neutral half way night club.

The men too were dressed to
kill. Who has a wedding party of nine? I of course would walk down the aisle
with the best man, Barry, who wasn’t interested in me anymore after learning
that I had a child. I didn’t care. I was having a blast with Kylie and my new
girlfriends. They were crazy.

The night club was packed. We
sat right in the middle in a big round sofa type sitting area. I wondered how
it just so happened to be empty for us, and then figured it out when I watched
Aaron slip the manager a few bills. 

Kylie pulled all of us, guys
too, to the dance floor when some upbeat bass song that I had never heard
filled the surround sound. I was so out of the loop it wasn’t funny. Now, if
they would have played the ABC song or the theme to Dora the Explorer, I could
have been singing right along with them.

Kylie’s very intoxicated
friend, Wendy, moved in behind me, swaying her hips with mine, moving to the
beat of the bass. It was great, as I was sure the hoots and whistles were for
the two hot chicks grinding on the dance floor. Wendy and I raised our drinks
and roared with them. That’s when I saw him. That’s when my world stopped. I
was going to pass out, right there on the floor.

“What’s wrong?” Wendy asked
when I stopped, frozen in my tracks.

“Nothing, I need to go to the
bathroom,” I said, dismissing myself. Where was the restroom? Why did this
place have to be so big?

“Whit?” I heard Kylie say
with a cautious tone.

“Where’s the bathroom!” I
yelled.

She took my arm and led me
through the crowd. “Are you sick?”

“Yes,” I shouted. I was sick.
I wasn’t lying. I opened the first stall and heaved, depositing not only the
alcohol from my stomach, but almost four years’ worth of bottled secrets.

Kylie handed me wet towels
over the door. I opened the door and splashed cool water on my face. This couldn’t
be happening. What was I supposed to do now?

“I need to get out of here,
Kylie,” I begged through the mirror.

“Okay, we’ll go.”

“I don’t want to ruin your
night. We were planning on staying out all night. Just give me a key to the
house and I’ll get a cab.”

“I am not going to let my
bestie take off in a cab without me. It’s fine. We’ll leave.”

“Kylie, it would make me feel
better if you stayed. This is your party. This is your night, and I can tell
that you’re not ready to go. I don’t want you to leave on my account.”

“But, I would feel horrible,
Whit.”

“Don’t. It’s not your fault I
don’t get out much and can’t hold my liquor.”

“Are you sure you don’t want
to stay. I just saw Alex Wesson; maybe you two could hookup or something.”

I was sick again. Just
hearing the name sent me back into the stall, heaving.

“Okay, okay, you better go.
I’ll call you a cab. Are you sure it’s okay if we stay?”

“Positive,” I said, wiping my
mouth again. I needed to get out of there. Once this wedding was over, I was
never coming back to Lincoln, Nebraska…
ever
. If Kylie wanted to see me, Kylie
would have to come to me.

I stood on the sidewalk
needing air as I waited for the cab.

“Whitley?” I heard the
familiar voice.

God, no. Please, I begged.
How was I supposed to face him? I turned toward Alex and was unexpectedly not
the shy little seventeen year old anymore. A surge of anger came from deep
within. I looked over at him with a look of pure hatred and disgust.

“Are you kidding me right
now? Do you honestly think you have a right to just come up to me and talk to
me after what you did?”

“What I did?”

I had never hit anyone in my
life. Was he really going to stand there and deny it? I decked him as hard as I
could, hard enough to cause me to grab my own hand as he clutched his jaw.

“Whitley, please listen to
me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry about that night. It has haunted me for years. I’m not
that guy. I don’t know why I did that.”

“It’s haunted you!” I
screamed. People were watching. I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe what I was
hearing. Poor fucking bastard. “
You
don’t know shit about haunting.
You
got to finish high school without being that girl.
You
got to go hang
out with your friends.
You
got to go to parties and be young.”
Shut
the hell up, Whitley
, I tried telling myself. I couldn’t. “
You
got
to run off to college. Don’t you fucking tell me how that night has haunted
you,” I screamed, pulling down on my too short dress.

 “What on earth are you
talking about, Whitley?” Alex asked with a stone cold look.

“Nothing, stay away from me,”
I demanded.

“Alex? What’s going on? What
are you doing out here?”

I looked to see some bimbo
looking blonde behind him.

“Watch your drink,” I blurted
as my cab pulled to the curb.

I don’t even remember the
ride back to Kylie’s. My mind was all over the place. I spent almost four years
securing that memory away, and just like that the lock was broken. That
dreadful night flooded my mind. I wanted to go home. I wanted Maddie and my safe
little cabin in the woods.

I did just that. I wasn’t
drunk at all anymore. I sobered up the moment I saw that face. I’m not sure the
officials would have agreed, but I felt more than capable of driving. I packed
my things and left Kylie a note, making up some story about Maddie running a
fever.

I drove in stillness down the
dark quiet highway. No music, just the roar of the tires, the sound of the
engine, and my thoughts screaming. I couldn’t shake them. No matter how hard I
tried, that night replayed over and over, bits and pieces I had chosen to obliterate.
And just like the flip of a switch, they were there, crystal clear. Every last malodorous
detail.

I hadn’t even realized I was
crying, not until I felt the clear liquid run down my face. That did it. I
cried a river of tears. I couldn’t stop, and sobbed, producing one more sound
to perceive. I just wanted my baby girl. I wanted her in my bed, sound asleep
beside me. She was worth it. She was worth that horrible, atrocious night.

I didn’t get my Maddie, of
course. She was sleeping. It was almost two in the morning. I didn’t want to
explain to my dad why I was home, why I was crying, or why I needed Maddie in
the middle of the night.

I showered away Alex for the one-millionth
time, washing away all the things that he did to me well, trying anyway. It
never worked, and this time was one of the worst. I let the hidden secrets
surface. I would be okay now. I had my breakdown, cried like a baby, and washed
the filth away, again. I would be okay come morning. I promised I would. Thank
God I never had to see him again. I was going to the wedding in a couple of
weeks, and heading right back to my safe little piece of heaven with Maddie.
Yeah, that was all I needed: Maddie.

By nine o’clock the next
morning, I was regretting my decision to come home early. Maddie was beyond
being a brat. That was exactly why I hated her spending two full days with my
father. It took me a week to get her back to being somewhat compliant. She
threw a hand full of M&M’s across the room, refused to clean them up,
dumped apple juice on the floor, wanting to do it herself, spilled chocolate
milk all over my cellphone, threw herself to the floor, screamed to the top of
her lungs because I wouldn’t let her have a sharp knife to cut her hotdog, and
used her entire bottle of baby shampoo for a bubble bath. This was all by noon.
I just wanted her to take a nap. I was so stressed out, I could have screamed.

She was much better after a
nap. Thank God. I wasn’t sure I could handle her all day. I was ready to take
her back to my dad and Dana. We went for a walk along the river and to our
secret place. It was where I had originally wanted to build our little home. My
dad, of course, wouldn’t let me. He thought it was too close to the river.
Maddie would drown, or we would have a flash flood and be washed away.

It was a clearing that I kept
mowed with a path from our little cabin to the river bank. My dad brought in a
load of sand every summer. Maddie and I had our own special little beach. She
loved our little beach and so did I. It was a very shallow part of the river. I
could sit in the warm sand while Maddie waded, trying to catch minnows in a
sand bucket. She built dams like the beavers, ran screaming from the crawdads that
were going to pinch her, fed the fish bread, and played in the sand with her
shovel and bucket.

“What on earth are you doing,
child?” I asked, watching Maddie remove the stones from the stream and stack
them on the beach.

“I find a treasure,” she replied,
continuing her job at hand. How she even knew what treasure was, is beyond me.
Television, I guessed.

“What kind of treasure?”

“Um, a big one,” she
exclaimed. Okay, maybe she didn’t know what treasure was.

My dad tried to get us to
come up to the house later for supper. I declined. I finally had Maddie back to
being my little angel. I wasn’t subjecting her to my father giving her
everything she wanted again. I was looking forward to cuddling with her on the
couch, watching a movie, and maybe even some popcorn.

We didn’t have the popcorn.
Maddie was out by eight o’clock. I was happy. I was looking forward to an ice
cold beer and a hot bath. I started my bath water, removed her pink panties,
slid on a pull-up, and carried her to my bed. Normally I would have started her
out in her own bed and wake up to her beside me in my bed, but I wanted her
with me for whatever reason. She would be there in a couple of hours anyway.

I heard the text message as I
carried Maddie to bed. Good, the chocolate milk didn’t soak in too much. It was
probably Kylie, I hadn’t heard from her yet.  After my bath, I needed that, I
would check it. I stayed in the hot bubbles until they weren’t so hot anymore. Wrapping
my terry robe around me and smearing the green mask around my face, I walked to
the refrigerator.

My beer tasted so good, I
decided to have another, and then another while sitting on the front porch
listening to my favorite sounds. Kylie thought I was crazy for choosing to live
back in the woods alone. She was scared to death to be sitting outside after
dark. I loved it. There was no peace, like the peace in the deep woods after
dark. It wasn’t really deep in the woods. I could see the lights from the
resort in a distance. It still felt secluded though.

I heard the text message
again and got up to retrieve my phone, forgetting about the first one. Kylie
was probably going crazy. She was one of those people who you had to answer
right away, or she would keep calling and texting until you did.

“
Hello???”
The
unidentified number read.

I swiped my thumb to see the
one before it.

Can we talk?

I think you have the wrong
number,
I texted back.

Is this Whitley?

Hmm.
.. Who the heck
could this be? I bet Kylie gave Barry my number. I was going to kill her. She
knew I hated that.

Yes, who is this?

It’s Alex. Please, can we
talk?

Are you serious? Leave me
alone!!!!!!

I turned my phone off after
that. Logged onto my laptop and blocked the unwanted number from my phone. How
the hell did he get my number? I thought cellphones were private and you
couldn’t get those numbers, only house phones.

I was scared all of a sudden.
Why would Alex Wesson give a shit about me after all these years? Maybe I
should just talk to him and tell him I forgive him.  Hopefully, that would ease
his guilty conscious and he would leave me alone. Okay, that was my plan. If
Alex Wesson tried to contact me again, I would be civil. I would forgive him,
if only with words. I had to. None of this could surface. It just couldn’t, I
couldn’t let it.

I didn’t have to worry about
it. A month had passed and I never heard from Alex. I went to Lincoln two weeks
later, attended Kylie’s wedding with no altercations, and slowly forgot about
Alex Wesson. Thank God, he had chosen to leave it alone.

<><><> 

“Maddie, come on. We have to
go get your cake or we’re not going to have one for your party.”

“I have a blowout candles,”
she informed me.

“Then get your shoes on so we
can go,” I demanded.

I should have left her with
my dad and Dana. She threw a tantrum right off the bat, not wanting to ride in
her car seat. She stood right beside me as we drove out the dirt road. She
promised as soon as we got to the stop sign she would get in her seat. She did.
Screaming and kicking her legs, but nonetheless, she was safely in her seat
before we pulled out onto the main road.

When we finally passed a
field of horses, I was able to distract her from her tantrum. She forgot about
not wanting to ride in her seat as I slowed down so that she could see the
horses. She was a brat once again in the grocery store, and I was stressed to
the max by the time I had a few groceries and the birthday cake. She needed a
nap. There was no way we were going to make it through a birthday party like
this. I was ready to cry and throw a fit with her.