All He Ever Dreamed (15 page)

“Not much sense in telling her until it’s final one way or the other.”

Nothing in his tone invited further comment, but these were the two people she loved more than anybody and they obviously needed help. “I assumed you’d talk to her. I know this is a big deal for you and she’s a good shoulder to lean on.”

“You think she’ll be happy for me?”

That was an almost impossible question to answer, but she could see on his face he wanted her to try. “I think she’ll be happy for
you
, knowing you’re getting what you’ve always wanted.”

He didn’t like the answer, but it was all she could give him. Truth was, if they decided tomorrow to sell the lodge, Josh was going to get what he wanted while Katie was going to lose what she’d always wanted. And it would be especially hard because now her daughter knew what she’d be missing. It would have been better for everybody if Katie had never worn that damn dress to the Christmas Eve party.

And Rose’s dreams would crash to the ground, too. Losing the Northern Star would make her sad, of course. It had been more than her responsibility for decades—it had been her home. But she’d been so sure Josh and Katie were finally going to be together, and now it probably wasn’t going to happen.

Before either of them could say anything else, not that there was much to say, headlights swung into the driveway. She wouldn’t have thought it possible for Josh to get any more tense, but his jaw tightened and his thumb left an indent in his soda can.

When the truck pulled up close to the lodge, she saw that it was Sean and her spirits lifted a little. Even if the occasion wasn’t a joyous one for her, she wasn’t going to let it ruin a visit with one of the kids.

After parking in line with the guests, who were hanging out in their rooms, Sean went in the back door to the kitchen, bringing a blast of frigid air with him. He shut the door, dropped his bag and enveloped Rose in a bear hug that lifted her right off her feet.

“Are those oatmeal cookies?” he asked, setting her back down so he could burn his fingers on the pan.

“Of course. They’re your favorite. But you should probably let them cool a few more minutes.”

She started moving them to the cooling rack while he greeted his brother. It started as a handshake, but Sean pulled Josh in for a hug and slapped him on the back. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad. Better if those cookies were chocolate chip.”

Sean laughed. “Not my fault she loves me best, little brother.”

Rose rolled her eyes, letting the familiar sibling banter roll over her. She wished they’d all come home more often, like they had for Mitch and Paige’s wedding. But that thought, happy as it was, reminded her there probably wouldn’t be a home to come back to very much longer.

She shrugged off that depressing thought and put a few cookies on a couple of napkins and set them on the table, gesturing for them to sit. Oatmeal cookies weren’t Josh’s favorite, but favorite was relative when it came to cookies. As long as they didn’t have coconut, he’d eat his fair share of them.

“How’s Emma doing?”

Sean grinned, pulling out a chair to sit. “She’s great. She’s at twenty-one weeks now and Sprout, who won’t uncross his or her legs for the ultrasound, is kicking her now.”

“Sprout Kowalski?” Josh laughed. “I like it.”

“I’m not allowed to share any of the names we’re thinking about, so Sprout it is for now. Emma’s into plants, being a landscaper, and once she called the baby a sprout, it kind of stuck.”

Rose chuckled. “I hope you realize that poor child’s cousins will never let that go.”

“I know,” Sean said. “Unfortunately, we didn’t think of that until
after
we said it in front of them and they all thought it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard.”

While she fussed around the kitchen, cleaning up after herself, Rose watched the two brothers catching up over their late snack. Sean’s mood seemed good, but she didn’t miss the way his eyes moved around the room, taking in the details as if it were the last time. Under the jovial smile that came so easily to the Kowalskis, she could see the underlying sadness and knew he was, in his heart, saying goodbye.

There was no more possibly or probably about it. No matter how much it hurt, she knew the kids were all going to agree to sell the Northern Star because they loved Josh. They’d gone off and made lives for themselves and they’d sacrifice the home that bound them together so he could have that same chance.

She loved them even more for it—she was as proud of them as if they were her own—but when she followed Sean’s gaze to the Bless This Kitchen sampler his mother had cross-stitched when he was just a baby, she saw her own heartbreak reflected in his eyes.

Chapter Fifteen

Josh was up before the sun, brewing coffee and laying out the muffins and banana bread Rosie had baked for the guests. Since he’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, he was glad to be up and about.

He should have talked to Katie. Even more than the upcoming family meeting, that thought had kept him awake.

Rosie was right about Katie being a good shoulder to lean on. God knew he’d leaned on her many times in the past. But what Rose didn’t understand was his fear—no, his certainty—that Katie would be hurt. He knew how hard the idea of selling the Northern Star was for his brothers and Liz to swallow, and there was a limit to how many people he could let down at one time. Today he would see loss in the eyes of every one of his brothers and hear it in his sister’s voice. He couldn’t take Katie’s hurt, too.

Sometime during the wee hours, he’d forced himself to face the fact that leaving her would be harder than he thought. That had led to wondering if she’d consider leaving Whitford with him. It was only the slim possibility that he could have his cake and eat it too, so to speak, that had allowed the gears in his mind to stop grinding long enough to fall asleep.

But in the light of day, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. Katie wouldn’t leave her mom, especially while Rose’s life was being turned upside down, or the barbershop to go wander around the country with Josh.

Two hours later, he watched the last group of guests disappear into the woods on their sleds, and took a deep breath. Ryan and Sean would probably appear any minute, because it wasn’t easy to sleep through a pack of snowmobiles firing up in the morning. Rosie had been in and out of the kitchen, fussing over things, but she was in a quiet mood, so they hadn’t said much beyond exchanging good mornings.

Josh had just finished washing the guests’ breakfast dishes when Mitch walked through the door. Because it looked like he’d slept about as well as Josh had, Josh filled the carafe to start a fresh pot of coffee.

“I see Ryan and Sean’s trucks out there,” Mitch said, wiping the traces of a fresh snow dusting off his boots. “They still in bed?”

“Haven’t seen them yet. There’s some banana bread left, but the guests demolished the muffins.”

“Where’s Rosie?”

“I think she’s doing a quick check of the guest rooms. Making sure nobody used all their shampoo or clogged the toilets.”

“I’ll go say hello while the coffee brews.”

Left alone, Josh picked at a slice of banana bread, not really tasting it, but knowing he needed something in his stomach besides caffeine.

As if they were waiting for the last spurt of coffee into the pot, Sean and Ryan appeared just as it finished brewing. Josh said good-morning, but didn’t bother to get up. They both knew where the milk and sugar were.

“Thought I heard Mitch,” Ryan said as he picked through the mugs in the drying rack until he found the biggest.

“He’s here. He went to say hi to Rosie.” Once his brothers fixed theirs, Josh got up to pour another cup of coffee.

“I’m going to hit the trails when this is over,” Ryan said. “I haven’t been out in…I don’t even know how long.”

“That’s what happens when you live in the big city.” Sean broke off a chunk of banana bread and popped it into his mouth. “I’ve gotten out a couple of times, but Uncle Leo’s starting to give me a hard time about borrowing his sled.”

“Throw yours in the back of your truck and take it home,” Ryan said. “I’ll give you a hand after we put some miles on.”

Sean snorted. “That thing’s older than dirt. If I keep borrowing Uncle Leo’s and Emma has to listen to me bitch about him giving me shit, maybe she’ll tell me to buy a new one just to shut everybody up.”

“You’ve really got the hang of this married thing.”

Josh drank his coffee, trying to focus on the conversation, but it was hard to pay attention when they’d essentially be deciding his future any time now. It was pretty early in New Mexico, but Liz had always been a morning person and she’d said she wanted the call over with before leaving to work a double shift.

“You guys better not have eaten all the banana bread,” Mitch said as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Left you two slices.” Josh handed them to him on a napkin.

“Gee, thanks.”

“Hey, your wife owns a restaurant. You should have brought
us
food.”

Mitch laughed. “She brings me food all the time. In Styrofoam to-go boxes.”

“Rose didn’t find any problems with the rooms, did she?” Josh asked, surprised she hadn’t joined them in the kitchen.

“No. She said she was going to go upstairs and read for a while,” Mitch told him, and Josh nodded. She’d gone to her room to wait for the verdict.

He tried not to imagine her up there alone, staring at the pages of a book she was only pretending to read while waiting to learn her fate. For three decades, her life had been as wrapped up in the lodge as his was.

When Mitch’s cell phone finally rang, Josh almost dropped his coffee mug. He wasn’t ready for this. How could he not be ready for something he’d been waiting for most of his life?

“Hey, Liz,” Mitch said, setting the phone in the middle of the table, and they all echoed him.

“Hi, guys. I wish I was there with you.”

Josh set his cup on the counter because his stomach was too jumpy now for any more caffeine, then took a seat at the table while Mitch recapped. A retired couple wanted to buy the Northern Star and the offer was
very
generous. They wanted to take up residence in the spring and it would be a private home. Evidently they had a bunch of kids and grandkids and it would be perfect for them.

They talked it out for a few minutes—what the property was worth. How long it would take them to vacate. The attic alone, which was the repository of several generations of family memories and debris, would probably take weeks. They talked about the impact on the town, with regard to the ATV trails, but in the end they all agreed it was a good offer.

“Honestly,” Liz said, “my biggest concern is for Rosie. She sold her house when she moved into the lodge to pay off the last of the mortgage on the barbershop building, and Katie’s apartment isn’t big enough for both of them.”

Ryan cleared his throat. “Lauren and I talked about it and if we accept this offer, she’ll take her house off the market and I’ll pay it off so Rosie can live there rent-free.”

“That’s very generous,” Mitch said. “But I think we should subtract the payoff on Lauren’s house from the profit on the lodge before we split up the money.”

“I agree,” Liz said, and Sean added his agreement.

They had it all figured out, Josh thought. They’d all spent days dwelling on the situation and they’d found a way to make it work. For him.

He suddenly realized he was cold. Not like a chill from a draft, but a cold that seemed to come straight from his bones. They were all willing to sacrifice the Northern Star to make him happy, but none of them wanted to. He could see it in their eyes and hear it in Liz’s voice.

His family would be hurt. Whitford would lose the ATV access to town before they’d even gotten to reap some benefits from the work they’d put in so far. People like Dave Carmody and his boy would have to find a new place and start new traditions. And then there was Rose. Even though the offer of Lauren’s house was there, it wouldn’t be her
home
. He tried not to think about Katie, but she was in his head, too.

“So what’s it going to be?” Ryan said, his tone letting everybody know he wanted this conversation to be over.

One by one, starting with Mitch and going down by age as if it had been planned that way, they all agreed to the sale until it came down to what should have been Josh’s vote.

“I guess it’s unanimous, then,” Mitch said, probably assuming he was a yes vote, and the silence that followed was a boulder crushing the air from Josh’s lungs.

It was right there—everything he wanted. He’d have freedom from the lodge and enough money from his share of the sale to figure out what he wanted to do and where he wanted to do it.

“Wait.” Everybody turned to him, but he couldn’t seem to squeeze any more words out.

“Don’t do this to yourself, kid,” Sean said after a long silence. “It’s a big deal, so it hits home a little, but we told you we’re one hundred percent behind you. We mean that.”

“It’s okay, Josh.” Liz’s voice sounded small over the speakers, but he could hear the tremor.

“I can’t.” Even as he got the words out, he knew they were the truth. He couldn’t sell the Northern Star.

“This is an excellent offer and not one we’re likely to see again anytime soon,” Mitch said in a tone that was all business. “This season’s going well, but we’re not in a place yet to offer an outside manager financial security, so hiring a manager’s not an option yet. You want out and this is the best opportunity.”

“I wanted a choice.” Josh dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his temples. “I just wanted a goddamn choice.”

“Nothing’s changed for the rest of us,” Ryan said. “We can’t run the lodge, so either you’re in or we’re all out.”

“I can’t do it.” He stood abruptly, barely noticing that his chair fell over. “We’re not selling. Sorry you all had to drive up here for nothing.”

He walked out the back door, his chest so tight he felt as if he couldn’t breathe, even though evidence to the contrary hovered in front of his face in frosty clouds. For the first time in his life he’d been given a choice. And he’d made it.

Picking up a chunk of wood, he hurled it as hard as he could at the barn.

* * *

Katie heard the footsteps coming up the stairs to her apartment and knew it had to be Josh. The door at the street locked automatically, requiring most people to be buzzed in. There was a spare key to all the barbershop building’s doors, hanging at the lodge, but the footsteps sounded too heavy to be her mom’s.

Suddenly, she didn’t want to answer the door—didn’t want the answer to the question that had been hanging over her head since yesterday—but she figured if he used his key on the street door, he wouldn’t hesitate to use his key to the apartment if she didn’t let him in. He had to be coming to tell her in person he was leaving town. Anything less and he probably would have called.

Since there was no avoiding the conversation, she opened the door just as he lifted his hand to knock, and she stepped back to let him in. He looked beat, both physically and emotionally. And he didn’t kiss her as he walked past.

“Sorry I didn’t call first,” he said.

“No problem. You want a beer?”

“No, I’m good.” He sat on her couch and flopped back against the cushion. He looked like a man who needed a hug, but he’d gone out of his way to put distance between them and she was having a hard time crossing it. “Did Rosie tell you we had an offer on the lodge?”

“Yeah, she mentioned it, assuming you had told me”

“Why didn’t you say anything about it?”

“Why didn’t
you
?” The exhaustion on his face made her regret the sharp tone and she tried again. “I was hoping you’d tell me yourself. I don’t know why you couldn’t talk to me about it.”

“I should have.” He blew out a breath, staring at her ceiling. “I met with my brothers today. And Liz, by phone.”

She waited a few seconds but, when he didn’t say anything else, she went and sat next to him. “How did it go?”

“They all agreed to the sale.”

Even though she’d been expecting it, the words cut a lot deeper than she’d prepared herself for. There was a part of her—the part that had been Josh’s friend for their entire lives—that was happy for him, but most of her wanted to curl up and cry.

“I said no,” he added in a low voice.

Oh, God, she thought, what did that mean? Even though she desperately wished he’d decide to stay in Whitford to be with her, she didn’t actually want to be the reason he said no. Eventually he’d resent her as much as he resented the Northern Star. “Why? I thought it’s what you wanted.”

He lifted a hand, then let it drop back to his lap as if he didn’t know what to say. Then he turned his head to look at her. “Selling the lodge to that couple was a forever thing. It would never be home again and not just for me. For Rosie and the others. Did you know I sleep in the room that was Uncle Leo’s when he was a kid?”

She smiled and put her hand on his so he’d stop tapping it on his leg. He curled his fingers through hers. “I didn’t know that.”

“He carved my aunt Mary’s initials in the windowsill.”

She squeezed his hand. Generations of family might bring a sense of obligation, but they also came with a shared history and bond that couldn’t be easy to break away from. “What are you going to do now?”

“What I’ve always done.”

Something about the way he said it pulled at her heartstrings. He might not have been able to part with the place, but it hadn’t been a total change of heart. In a way, he still hadn’t really had a choice.

She let go of his hand so she could put her arm around his shoulders. Shifting a little into her embrace, Josh rested his head on her chest and tears blurred her vision as she stroked his arm

“Maybe plan B won’t take as long as you think,” she said. “The way business is going, it won’t be long before you can hire a manager to run it for the family.”

“Yeah.” She could tell by the flat way he said it that he didn’t really believe it.

“Do you want to go somewhere? We can go for a drive and find some food along the way.”

“I should get back to the lodge. I’ve been driving around half the damn day and Rosie just read me the riot act on the phone. Sean and Ryan want to say goodbye before they head out.”

“They’re not staying over another night?”

“I guess not. The storm track shifted, so it might be sloppy tomorrow. They all went out on the sleds after I left this morning and now they want to get home before the weather goes south. We’ve got a guy and his kids checking out early, too.”

“I’m glad you stopped by. And I’m glad you finally talked to me.”

He grabbed the hand she’d been rubbing his arm with and kissed her knuckles before holding it to his cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I don’t…talk about things well.”