All New Letters From a Nut (10 page)

15 Aug 2009

Dear Mandarin Oriental Hotel Reservations.

Again. Thank you for your distinguished attention to hotel elegancies. It will be noted & glued in my folder.

Now. Lawrence Gum has lost the Chair Committee Presidency and is being replaced by RICHARD MOUTH who has requested Split Pea SOAP in the shower. Can you make? Or if you are out of Split Pea then Navy Bean SOAP. Please no Gazpacho. He does not like cold showers or cold soup. Heavy salt please.

Mr. Mouth will lead the 5600 members in your lobby, all in paper clothing. He may not wear a paper hat. He has a red thing on his head. (the heartbreak of psoriasis) Mr. Mouth will be staying an additional 4 nights so 13 nights for us. Your finest accommodations.

Just so we know what we request. Mr. Mouth will step into the shower. put Split Pea SOAP on himself and wash. You ask Bed type. Rye or whole wheat is fine.

what is next? I look forward to the Paper Hat Convention in your hotel. Still working on the paper clothing tearing. PLEASE! No water sprayed on us. Look away when we bend.

Respectfully,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F.D. NANCY (MR)
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201 USA

Licenses
CITY OF HUNTINGTON BEACH
2000 Main Street
1st St.
Huntington Beach, CA 92648

5, April 2009

Dear City Of Huntington Beach:

I am moving to Huntington Beach soon with my ELECTRONIC NOSE BLOWING MACHINE. I will keep this machine on my patio. How far do I have to be from another apartment when this machine activates? It is part of my noise study Thesis for my degree. I am involved in the study of apartment noises and how they affect others.

What licenses do i need?

My Nose Blowing machine makes a loud noise as if someone is blowing their nose without a tissue. In my studies this is annoying. The machine activates about 12 times per day. Every 2 hours for about 9 “blows.” Some short, 2 long, some louder then others, some muffled. This varies. At 3 in the morning, the noise gets a little louder. I do throw in a ringer noise, which is not nose blowing but an animal grunt noise, just to see if the person living in the next apartment can distinguish between a human and an animal on my patio.

The machine electronically mixes up the blow sounds so sometimes it is 4 short noises, sometimes one really long one, yet other times, a series of sharp “honks.” This will be the final study for me for my degree.

Thank you for your help. I look forward to living in Huntington Beach with my Electronic Nose Machine.

Please send me license information for this machine.

Respectfully,

F.D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

APPLICATION FOR CERTIFICATE OF OCCUPANCY CITY OF HUNTINGTON BEACH - DEPT. OF BUILDING & SAFETY

Date:
4/2009

Business Owners Name:
TED L. NANCY

Business Type
Nose Blowing Machine

Is the bulding sprinklered?
Yes

Will operations produce dust/wood shaving or similar material?
Yes

Will operations involve the repair or replacement of automobile parts?
Yes

If yes:Describe the components repaired or replaced:
Tire Rim

Does the Operation involve the use of welding or open flame?
Yes

The following best describes my operation:

Other (describe):
Blow my Nose on People

Will the facility have any of the following equipment?

Yes:
Spray Booth, Abrasive blasting cabinet/room, Baghouse/Cartridge type dust filter/scrubber

Will any of the following operations be performed:

Production of fumes, dust, smoke or strong odors:
Nostril Spray

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Customer Relations:
LOAF N JUG CONVENIENCE STORES
Kroeger
1014 Vine Street
Cincinnati, Ohio 45202–1100

11/19/2009

Dear Loaf N Jug Customer peoples,

I shop almost exclusively at Loaf N Jug. For me the convenience is much needed, I eat donuts, burritos, Snackwells from your local store in Colorodo where i live most of the time. I read magazines in the aisle and am very happy with the courteous service you show to me. Your Sloshee is refreshing!

I was at a Loaf N Jug and noticed a cardboard cutout. It was near the pretzels. It gets jostled over there. This cutout deserves a better life. I can give it that. I like the pictures of people on the cutouts. They are seniors. The clerk told me you had all the pictures and to contact you at loaf n lug

Can you assist me with buying this cutout and these pictures? I really just need the faces. To show others. I can haul it away myself. I will put a hat on it.

Please let me know how i purchase this cutout from your store.

Thank you,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

The Kroger Co. ♦ 1014 Vine Street ♦ Cincinnati, Ohio 45202–1100

November 25, 2009

Mr. Ted L. Nancy
1413 1/2 W Kenneth Rd# 193
Glendale, CA 91201–1478

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for writing to us regarding a cutout or prop hat you wish to purchase that is on display at one of our Loaf ’N Jug stores.

Please let us know which store you see the display. Also, the Store Manager may be able to assist you with a quick answer for your request. Our Store Manager may have to make a call to the Corporate Loaf N Jug Office located in Pueblo, CO for more information.

Thank you again for contacting us. Our Product Information Line toll free number is: 1–800–632–6900.

Sincerely,