The inside temp reading said eight degrees outside. The rental agency already had the truck warming up for me, so when I got in, I was toasty warm. Thank goodness for Roxy, packing me my down coat and accessories. My boots were a little wet, not the best choice for today, but I needed a reminder of the girl I used to be and wearing my red boots would do the trick.
I came upon the secured gate of the ranch and punched in my code. It was my parents’ wedding anniversary. I smiled as the gates opened up to allow me to drive through. My parents were so in love with one another.
I can only imagine how disappointed they are in me. They probably look at me and wonder what went wrong.
Along the long road that would bring me home, I passed the cabin rentals, the horse training area, and the mini rodeo section that was always a crowd pleaser for the summer tourists. This property was huge, and now merging with the Rhodes property, my father wanted to expand even more into his business. Shane was in charge of the horses and the races they would compete in. He belonged here and was a part of it, just as much as I was. My last name may be Fairchild, but this land flowed through Shane’s veins, and if Jamie had lived, they would be amazing partners.
I’ll try to avoid him tomorrow and stay out of his way. I’m sure with me being here in person, my father will want to conduct some ranch business, but I will try my best to do all of that without Shane. I’m not in the mood for another confrontation with him.
I guess I spoke to soon because as I pulled up to my home, there Shane stood. I sighed in frustration because I didn’t want to go another round with him. I grabbed my bag and headed up to the house. My goal was to avoid him, but Shane was right where I needed to be.
“Aren’t you going to say hello to me?” he asked. I spun around and looked at him with questioning eyes.
“After your warm greeting earlier today, I felt it was best to stay out of your way, so that’s what I’m doing.”
I turned once again in hopes of avoiding him. He reached for my arm and pulled me close to him.
“Please Shane, let me go. I’m exhausted and can’t do this with you right now.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for that. I’m so sorry for talking to you the way I did today, but woman give me a fucking break. Just seeing you almost stopped my heart. Please give me a chance to make it up to you.”
“Shane, I have to go. My parents are waiting for me.”
“Please Tenley, say you’ll talk to me tomorrow? You’re not going anywhere until you agree.”
“Fine! I will talk to you in the morning, but hear this, Shane Rhodes. I don’t take kindly to orders, never have and never will. It’s best you remember that before our talk tomorrow. Good night.”
“Oh, darling! It’s good to have you home. Yee-haw!!!” he screamed out into the night sky.
Oh my goodness! Only in Wyoming.
“Well, I guess Shane had a change of heart,” my father said as he opened up his arms for me to walk into.
“Hi, daddy,” I whispered into his chest as he held me. I needed this hug after today’s events. I was so tired, but I needed to eat before I collapsed.
“Come on, baby girl. Your mama cooked up some of your favorites.”
“Good. I’m hungry.”
“I figured you might be. Mama is in the kitchen. Let’s go.”
“I guess you’d mind if I took a plate up to my room?”
“Is that a serious question? You know the way to the kitchen. Now go!”
“Yes sir.”
The sight of my mother wearing my grandmother’s apron tied around her waist almost made my heart melt. The memories I tried so hard to hide away were all rushing back to me. This house and the memories it held were so strong. After all my time away from here, I could still feel my brother’s presence and the love we had as a family.
Have
as a family.
I have their love, I always have. I just need to allow myself to feel it again.
I’m trying Jamie, I’m trying.
My eyes became glassy as I created a new memory.
“Hi, mama.”
“Oh, my sweet girl! You’re finally home.”
She wiped her hands and came rushing toward me for a hug. My mother sniffled a few times, but by the time she let me go, her tears were gone. She never did like crying in front of us.
“I’ve missed you so much, Tenley. Thank you for coming home.” I gave her a silent smile.
After dinner, I was in no shape for a long talk that my mother wanted to have. I promised her a talk in the morning after a ride with Jazzy. She brightened up after hearing me talk about riding. I saw more hope in both of my parents’ eyes, but I remained quiet and kept my thoughts to myself. My mother walked me up the stairs that would take me to my childhood bedroom. It’s been renovated since I left home, but mama kept it personal to my liking. This room still contained memories of my life here in this house. My doll collection was beautifully displayed in a corner. Awards and photos hung above, and mama had left out my favorite pony to sleep with.
I’ve been away from home for five years, but somehow my mother knew exactly what I needed and maybe even secretly wanted. I hugged her, and she left me on my own.
I hadn’t checked my phone all day since I called Zoey. I saw a few missed calls from Zoey, and one text from Tommy.
“If you need me, call me.”
I wanted to call him, but I was way too tired. I fired back a quick text.
“Hi Tommy. Thank you for always being there for me. I’m doing okay. Sorting it all out. I’ll call you when I can. Xo…Tenley.”
He texted back.
“Ok.”
I let out a sigh and powered down my phone. Kicked off my boots and stripped out of my clothes, not bothering to look for pajamas. I wrapped myself around the duvet and lost myself into sleep.
Of course, Jagger was in my dreams.
Oh hell! I’m in trouble.
My dream took me back to a carefree time where I had no inhibitions. Jagger and I were skinny dipping in the pond on his ranch. Jagger kept assuring me that we wouldn’t be seen and definitely not be interrupted. I always believed and trusted him completely. We made love in the warm water with the stars shining in the sky and the moon as our light. I could feel my orgasm again and again, and then a burst of cold air ended my bliss.
“Tenley, time to wake up sweetheart. Are you under there?”
I was having the best dream when I heard my mother over me, at least I think it was mom. I stirred a bit, then my covers were ripped off of me, and then she shrieked so loud that her screams could wake the dead.
“Oh, dear Lord! Tenley Faith Fairchild! Put some clothes on. This is how you sleep? What if your daddy came in? And you call that underwear? It looks like dental floss with a scrap of material holding it together.
“Mother! Get out. What are you fucking doing in here at this ungodly hour?”
Then I felt a stinging slap come down hard on my bare ass. It was mama’s way of showing me how she felt about my choice of language this morning.
“You watch your mouth, miss, while you are under my roof. Do you understand me? It is nearing nine o’clock. We’ve been up for hours already, but maybe you have forgotten how ranch life works around here? Your breakfast is getting cold.” And with that, she slammed her way out of my room.
After that blissful wake-up, I showered and dressed, skipping breakfast all together. I had promised my mother a talk and a ride, but after the way I had spoken to her, she was probably pissed. I crept down the stairs and grabbed my coat and gloves, only to be once again startled by my mother.
“Going somewhere?”
“Geez, Mom! Please stop doing that.”
“Doing what? Catching my sly daughter sneak out of our home and without me?”
“I wasn’t sneaking off, I was just going to visit Jazzy.”
“Jazzy could wait, I will not. Now come in the kitchen and have some breakfast with me, please.”
Following my mother through the kitchen, I felt awful. It was like I was off my game here. She was trying and I was hurting her yet again.
“This coffee is amazing. Where did you get it?” I asked as I enjoyed the strong dark roast.
“Daddy and Shane. They brought it back from Mexico.”
“Excuse me? Daddy and Shane went to Mexico? Um…when was that?” my voice was rising at this news.
“Why the questions, Tenley? Daddy and Shane go on scouting trips all the time. This was no different. Do you even read the paperwork we send to you, or you just have your minions do it for you?”
“That’s not fair, mother. I personally do all of your contracts and all of ranch business. Excuse me for one detail slipping my mind. I’m finished here. I’m going out to see Jazzy.”
“Hold on a minute.”
“What,” I snapped back.
“Talk to me, Tenley, please? What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?”
“Okay, mama. You want the truth?”
“You know I do.”
“I hope you are prepared for it then,” I said curtly in return.
“Okay, here it is. Ever since Jamie died, I have been living on the outside looking in. I don’t fit anywhere in this family anymore. When he died, he took the best of me with him. You and daddy were so wrapped up in your grief over losing him that you totally forgot about me. I was lost and drowning. So I buried my pain and grief and moved on without him, and you. I created a new life for myself in New York. I wanted to stay, mama, but Jamie pushed me away. So after he died, I stayed away.”
I shocked myself with what was coming out from my mouth. I never shared my feelings with anyone, least of all my mother. Next to Wendy, she was the only one that could elicit a rise out of me.
“I’m sorry, Tenley. I’m so sorry, baby girl, that you ever were made to feel like less than you really were. He was my son, my first born. Losing a child is devastating. It’s a pain you never get over. As time passes on, the pain subsides, but it stays with you forever and it can hit you at any time of the day. When it does, it swallows you up. You, my daughter, are still buried so deep within your own grief and pain. It’s okay to miss him, but he wouldn’t want this for you. You ask why the letter? Why you’re here? This is why. This long overdue talk that you and I have been running from for five years. I’m sorry I failed you. I should have been there for you. Parents are supposed to know better, but sometimes we fall, and it’s hard to get back up.”
“Mama, I’m so sorry I’ve failed you as a daughter.”
“Never, Tenley! You are my daughter, my beautiful girl. I am so very proud of the woman you have become. But having said that, I’m worried for you. You’re thousands of miles away from us, and you live alone in a city we don’t understand. This ranch is your true home. If you have stayed away because we stopped reminding you of that, then that is my failure. And for that, I am deeply sorry. Tenley, I need you to forgive me, please.”
We both stared at one another, waiting for the other to make a move. I was frozen to where I was standing. I whispered, “Thank you” to my mother and walked out, leaving her alone. I knew I should have turned around and told her it was okay and how there wasn’t anything to forgive, but I ran…again. Her words, my words were too much to bear. She didn’t follow me, this was her style. She would pile it all for me and then give me the time to process it. Jamie and Daddy were the same way. I think she was hoping for a different reaction from me, but that would be too easy, and I never do easy.
Making my way through the snow, I finally reached the stables and found my girl.
“Hi Jazzy. I’ve missed you. Wanna take a ride with me?” I waited for my horse to give me her answer, and I swear I saw her eyes shift into happiness that I’ve returned. I treated her to a good brushing, fed her some apples, and then I saddled her up.
“Come on Jazzy, let’s ride.” Once I was on her back, Jazzy knew exactly what to do. We trotted at a steady pace until we reached the gate. Once we were out in the open, I held tightly onto her reigns and Jazzy soared through air as if we were flying. She led me to our spot. The highest point on the ranch. We rode here more times than I could count.
“Thank you girl for remembering. I love you Jazzy.” She neighed in response. I dismounted and gave her a rest. She enjoyed some more apples, and then carrots while I took in the view before me.
God’s here. He has to be and so is Jamie.
My brother always knew me best. Whenever I was in need of guidance, he knew I would be here. Today, I needed some help. I needed answers to my questions. I needed my brother to tell me that everything was going to be okay. Tell me I hadn’t lost my family by pushing them away. Would I fit here again? And the million dollar question: Jagger…Where did I fit with him? He’d been invading my dreams every night for days now and to see him yesterday in that hospital nearly broke me in half. He needed to get well.
“Jamie, can you hear me? Please hear me. Watch over your brother. He needs you and so do I. Your letter brought me home, so now that I’m here, please guide me on what to do next. Because, big brother, I’m not sure what direction to take, so I will leave it up to you. I love you Jamie.”
I wiped a tear and patted Jazzy. “Are you ready girl? Let’s go back.”
I felt invigorated by the time I returned with Jazzy. Oh my girl! I knew she was tired, but she endured it for me.
“Okay Jazzy, you get some rest. Thank you for not kicking me off. I’ve missed you.” I held her face and placed my cheek up against hers.
“She missed you too,” I heard a voice say behind me.
I turned and found Shane standing up against the door jamb to her stall.
“Is everyone around here trying to give me a heart attack?!” I screamed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
“Just like you didn’t mean to tell me off yesterday?”
“I guess I deserved that, but I do believe I apologized for my rudeness. Can we talk, please?” Shane looked hopeful and waited for me to agree.
“Okay. Buy me a hot chocolate.”
“Nah, I know the owners, the hot chocolate is free. And I know where they hide the snacks.” He smiled.
“Lead the way.”
I took his hand in mine and we walked up to the house. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to do. Just like my ride with Jazzy. She knew me instantly. Followed my commands and did everything I always expected from my horse.