All Roads Lead Home (15 page)

Shane was trying to mend our broken fences. He was also trying to break through my protective walls that shielded me from our past friendship. Everything he said yesterday was true. I should have been a better friend to him. What did I expect from Shane? His reaction was rude, but justified at the same time. Wendy was right. I wasn’t the only one that lost Jamie. And when I didn’t return home, they lost me too.

Still holding my hand, Shane led me into my warm house. I took in some calming breaths and silently prayed. I prayed that the friendship he promised that would be here when I was ready was in fact still real and strong enough to begin again. My eyes found his, and warmth wrapped around me.

A poster size family picture of us hung above the fireplace. Mama and daddy were holding each other and looking so in love. Their eyes actually shimmered with sparkle from the sunlight behind them. Jamie and I were on our horses. Mama wanted to have some candid photos taken of us. This one was her favorite she always said. It was the year Jamie was officially in remission from his leukemia. Mama said a blessing like this should be forever remembered in a photo.

“I’ll try big brother. I’ll try for you.”
I said to myself, as Shane called me into the kitchen.

“IT’S GOOD TO see you in this house, Tenley. It’s not something I thought would ever happen again. Other than the few e-mails we have shared, and a call or two, that was all I had of you. It saddens me that what we had was reduced to that. Seeing you yesterday was a shock to my system. I knew you were coming, but to see you in person rocked me off my axis. And again, I’m sorry I was such a dick to you.”

“It’s my fault, all of it.”

“No, it’s not. We all played a part in it, and it’s about time I own some of it. I’ll never regret making love to you Tenley, not ever. I wanted you, always wanted you, and I took my chance to be with you. I was selfish and damn it hell to how Jagger, or anyone would feel about it. I’ll always love you, but I know it’s different on how you loved me. Deep inside I knew how you felt, and how you loved Jagger. I hurt him deeply, so deeply that it’s taken years to rebuild our friendship and the broken trust that was lost. I’m telling you straight and please listen to me. He loves you, he never stopped.” He looked as if he was going to say more, but stopped and reached for my hand instead.

“Shane, that may be true, but it’s been five years, and I just can’t come back home and take back what I chose to walk away from in the first place.”

“Yes, you can. You have every right because you belong to each other. It’s about time you stop running from his love and fight for him, fight for the both of you. We all see it. Now it’s time for you to do the same.”

“This is all too confusing. Shane, your father told me that although you tried to reconcile with Jagger, you two could never meet a middle ground. You never became partners like you always dreamed you would and basically went your separate ways. And now you are telling me something entirely different. What’s the real truth?”

“The truth is that it has taken us years to find that place where we can both be in the same room without killing each other, but it’s nowhere I want it to be. What you and I did, and then Jamie dying, ended our dream of being partners, but yet, we still work all of this land and do what we do best. It’s just a different rhythm, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry.”
What else could I say at this point? I was just sorry.

“Look at me, Tenley, please.”

He lifted my chin with his finger as my tears began to silently fall. He wiped them away with his thumbs and gently kissed me on my cheek. “Go to him. Jagger needs you, and you need him.”

Lost in Shane’s beautiful eyes, I kissed him back on his cheek and said “Thank you, friend.” He smiled back at me.

“We were always friends first, right?” he said.

“No, we’re not, that’s not true.” I quickly responded.

He looked at me with a puzzled expression.

“We’re family,” I said.

His smile returned, and I turned to get ready. I wasn’t sure what today would bring for Jagger, and for me, but I had to try. I took a big step with Shane today. We both were on the road to healing, and I already felt steadier on my feet. Shane was amazing. The boy I remembered showed up today to be my friend and helped show me the way. I looked out to the Teton Mountains from my window and thanked my brother.

“Mama, daddy,” I called out before leaving the ranch.

Daddy came out from his office and swept me up into his best bear hug.

“There you are, Tumbleweed. Sorry I missed you at breakfast, but I heard all about it.”

“I’m sure you did, daddy. Where’s mama?”

“She’s in town with Wendy.”

“I see.”

“Now don’t go losing your sparkle. Your mama is fine and so is Wendy. They love you, you know this. Did your ride with Jazzy help?”

“How did you know I took Jazzy out this morning?”

“A father knows, and by the look of Jazzy a little while ago, that horse looks re-born. Thank you for giving her some happiness.”

“It was Jazzy that did that for me.”

“Before you go, I have something for you.”

My father handed me an envelope addressed to me from Jamie. I gasped when I recognized his handwriting.

“Oh daddy! How many more are there? I don’t think my heart can take much more.”

“I’m not sure darling. That son of mine was a wise one with an equally wise old soul. Who knows what he chose to do in his last days here on earth. He kept us at a safe distance during his final days and never wanted us to see his pain. Even in the end, he always put us first above anything else. So it’s high time you stop blaming yourself for staying away or feeling he pushed you away. You weren’t the only one, Tumbleweed. He did it to us too. The only difference was? We were here, and you were at school. The distance still felt the same to all of us who loved him. We all suffered.”

I hugged my father and took the letter from him. I couldn’t read it just yet.
No more tears today, I can’t continue to break down like this.
I stuffed it into my purse and left for town.

I loved Jackson Hole, but I could do without the arctic weather. It was just barely twenty degrees today. The town already had begun putting up their Christmas decorations, and the town square was already set to light up the tree. Tourists from all over the world flocked to this area to ski, ride, and do anything the great state of Wyoming had to offer. I checked the logs while I was down at the barn. We had reached full capacity with visitors. I was relieved that daddy had kept our part separate from the business side of it.

Before going in to the hospital, I had to check in with my office. I dialed Roxy directly, and she answered in her most professional tone.

“Ms. Fairchild’s office, Roxy speaking.”

I laughed silently to myself. The partners wanted her to say a whole spiel, but I kept it simple.

“Good morning, Roxy. This is Tenley.”

“Good morning, Ms. Fair…, I mean
Tenley
. How are things going in Wyoming?”

“Hi, Roxy. I’m okay, better than I expected to be. How’s the office? Anything I need to be aware of?”

I waited for her answer, and that’s when I heard Zoey in the background.

“Roxy, is that Tenley? Hand me that phone,” she enunciated very slowly to her.
Oh my goodness! I love that girl.

“Tenley Fairchild! Why are you avoiding my calls? I’ve been calling you non-stop since you left on this mysterious trip of yours.”

“You are so full of it Zoey, and check your voicemails, I have texted and returned your calls. We just keep missing each other, but I am not avoiding you.”

“Well, okay then, sorry. When are you coming home? I need my best friend.”

Coming home? Is New York my home? Or is it just a place I’ve been existing in since I lost my brother?

“I’m not sure, Zoey. I told your father that I didn’t have a return date scheduled. I have a lot to work out here, and it’s been a long time since I’ve been home.”

“Wow! Tenley Fairchild is actually giving me some insight to her past. Tell me more.”

I laughed and smiled through the phone. “I will, someday. I need to go Zoe, but I’ll be in touch soon.”

“Hey, wait a minute. Don’t hang up.”

“What is it?”

“What’s up with you and Tommy? I saw him last night, and he didn’t look so hot. And that’s saying something because our boy oozes hotness.”

“It’s complicated, Zoe. Before I left for my trip we crossed a line that should have never happened, and one I deeply regret.”

Here it comes… I held my cell away from my ear and braced myself for Zoey’s reaction.

“Oh my God! You fucked him! Wow, oh wow, I need details.”

I was imagining how many people overheard what she just screamed out loud into the phone.
Oh my crazy friend! No filter and certainly no discretion.

“Not this call. Zoey, I have to go,” I said as I hit End on my phone.

As I stepped off the elevator, I was greeted by Shirley, Jagger’s nurse.

“Well, good afternoon, dear. How are you today?” She was so kind and welcoming.

“Other than cold, I’m good. How is Mr. Brown Eyes this morning?” I couldn’t help but tease her about the nickname she had given Jagger.

“He’s better.”

“What?”

“How?”

“Did he wake up? Did he open his eyes?” I was almost shouting.

“No sweetie, not yet, but he did move his arm. He must be having some great dreams, because I saw his eyes flutter, and he half smiled. He’s coming back to you. He’s just taking his time.”

“Thank you, Shirley. May I see him?”

“Of course you can, honey. You just missed his folks, but they already told me that I should expect you.”

I smiled and went in to see Jagger. I’m still reeling from the fact that everyone in my life knows me better than I know myself. I sat gently on his bed and held his hand. His beard had been clearly cleaned up and his skin looked brighter. He still was healing from his injuries with faint coloring still lining his beautiful body.

Until he can tell me differently, I slowly began taking Jagger back into my heart. He’s always been there, but now I’m actually allowing myself to feel. To remember every detail about him. To know what it is to love Jagger Parrish.

I wanted to kiss every scratch, every bruise, so I did. I lifted his gown and kissed his thigh with no cast. Ever so gently, I brushed my lips across his tanned skin and was tickled by the faint hair on him. As I got closer to his lower region, naughty thoughts invaded my mind. I wanted Jagger in my mouth. I wanted to taste him, feel him hard inside as his orgasm built and would thrust harder against my tongue.
WTF!
He’s in a coma for crying out loud. My skin was on fire with fantasizing about him. I guess that would be one way to wake him up.

I quickly covered him up and began talking to him. “Some things never change. Every time I’m around you, I just want to jump you, and if memory serves, you always let me. Oh Jagger! Please wake up. I have so much to tell you. I’m hoping you will want to hear it and give me a chance to be your friend again.”

Who am I kidding? We were always so much more than friends. We were each other’s soul mate.

After talking for a couple of hours, he never stirred a bit. I was thirsty and got up to get a soda. I returned a few minutes later and noticed his hand had shifted. I wasn’t sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I was hopeful that Jagger was indeed coming back to me. I sat and sticking out from my purse was Jamie’s second letter to me. I wanted to know what was inside of it, but I didn’t want to hurt over it. I’ve cried enough in the last few days and wished to cry no more.
I can’t change my past. I can only move forward.

Another hour passed and my lip was nearly ripped open from me chewing on it.

“Screw it!” I said as I ripped open the envelope.

Dear Tumbleweed,

If you’re reading this letter, then I know you’re finally home where you belong. So far, you are choosing right. I knew you would, but I had two very different letters prepared just in case. I’m happy you are reading this one.

How was your ride with Jazzy? She missed you, I’m sure of it. A horse never forgets her owner, and you two always shared a special bond. I love you, Tenley, so much. I’m happy you found your way back home. Please stay this time and remember all the great things about our home. You will always find more good than bad.

When you’re ready, visit my grave with mama and daddy. You three need to come together as a family and find peace in your loss. I know I’m asking a lot, but it needs to be done. You have to take the next step in your story. Tenley, it begins with saying goodbye to me. You weren’t ready five years ago, but you are now. Please think about it.

Tell my brothers I love them. Even in heaven, I’ll always be here for all of you. Before you chew the shit out of your lip, yes, my sister, another letter is waiting for you. When the time is right, Wendy will know what to do. Don’t be mad at her. This wasn’t easy on her to agree to this request of mine, but because she loved me and loves you, she couldn’t deny me.