All That I Need (Secret Desires) (13 page)

Only I found that being out of the workforce for the last year left a gap on my resume. It was easily explained as we relocated, but from what I’d heard, someone that’s been out of work for a while can come off as unemployable. That worried me, and I hoped I’d find something small. I wasn’t looking for a career at this point, just something that got me out of the house.

I finally found a position answering phones at a local office, and having to get dressed up for work again helped me rediscover my desire to look nice. I know that sounds funny, but staying at home all this time I let my hair go most days, barely put on make-up, and lived in sweats most days. Now that I had to take care of myself again, I realized how much I missed that little task.

Leaving the house made-up, I felt better about myself and took more pride in my appearance. It left me wanting to get moving again, and the urge to start running bit me. It had been a long time, and I knew I’d have to start all over, but for the first time in a long time I felt like myself.

The depression, the move, I let it get to me. It felt good taking my life back and making me a priority again. I think Austin noticed the change too, because he said I smiled more, and was more receptive in other ways. Our sex life picked up in the process, and once again we found our groove.

Austin and I made a quick trip to the grocery store one Saturday afternoon to pick up supplies for dinner. We had a change of plans and needed a few things. On walking back into the house, with bags in hand, we headed to the kitchen.

A shout, a slap, and we all stood frozen. Austin dropped his bags and grabbed Ryan. “If you ever hit my child again,” his voice rose to a level I’d never heard.

Ryan was crying.

Caroline stared at us, “Before you judge me,” her tone snarky and snotty, “your son just bit me.”

“I don’t give a crap what he did; he’s just a little boy. You hauled off and hit him.” Austin turned to me, “Kate, please take Ryan in the other room.”

I didn’t say a word, simply glared at Caroline and kept my son close.

“You need to leave,” I heard Austin say as I walked away.

“What? That’s nonsense, you’re overreacting. Your son just bit my finger, it was simply a reaction.”

“Get out of my house. Get out of my house, and don’t come back.”

“The child needed to be disciplined, he bit me,” she emphasized.

“Hitting my child is not acceptable,” his voice was changing. “You stood by all those years when Dad beat me, never saying a damn word. I’ll be damned if you’ll bring that violence into my home and I ignore it. If I don’t protect my child, who will?”

“Do you think it didn’t hurt me to see him do that? I was terrified.”

“But you did nothing. You stood by as he beat me over and over again.”

“I couldn’t do anything. If I said so much as a word, he would have hit me too.”

“So you sacrificed your lamb to save yourself. You didn’t take me away, you didn’t say anything, you simply stood by and watched like it never happened. What about Maggie, did it happen to her too?”

She wouldn’t look at me.

“Get out of my house. I’ve tried, really I have. I forgave you so many years ago, but I won’t forgive this. You struck my child, and if I can’t protect him from my own family, how will I protect him in the future. I want you gone by tomorrow, do you understand?”

“Where will I go?”

“I don’t really care. Call your daughter, maybe she’ll still have you.” With that he turned and walked away.

I caught Austin’s face as he came out of the kitchen. He was crushed, and it showed. I didn’t know what to say. I went over and wrapped my arms around him.

“How’s Ryan?” He asked quietly.

“He’s okay. He was sobbing a bit, but then wanted to play with his blocks, so I let him. I told him biting was not okay. He said he was playing, he didn’t mean to hurt Grammy.”

Austin looked away, “I need a few minutes, okay?”

I nodded, and watched my husband climb the stairs. Locking himself in our bedroom, I was left with his mother in the other room. I didn’t know what to do or say, so I gave her space too. The last thing I wanted was another confrontation with everyone on edge. She’d be out tomorrow – and I’d…uh-oh, work.

I realized without Caroline here to watch the kids I’d be in a pickle with working. I had nobody to turn to in Washington. My kids had to come first. I’ll call them in the morning and apologize. I’d love to give them the full two week notice, but without a babysitter, there’s no way. I felt isolated, realizing that I didn’t have a choice. I’d have to quit my job.

Climbing the stairs, I knocked lightly at the door. I found Ryan with Brianna, snuggling. “She woke from her nap,” he said as I walked in. “Nothing like a precious smile to make you feel better.”

“What happened down there?” I asked cautiously.

“You saw,” he started.

“Not that, the other part. Your father beat you? Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“It was a long time ago. He mellowed with age. I made my peace with it the best I was able. I hated him for a long time, but then somehow forgave him – both of them.”

“I’m so sorry. No child should have to go through that.”

“We all have our secrets, Kate. Nobody is perfect. We’re all human, doing the best that we can.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, offering him an outlet.

“Not really. What about you, what’s your secret?” He asked half joking.

I glanced down, not wanting to make eye contact. “What do you mean?”

“We all have skeletons, a past, secrets. Nobody can truly know everything about you. Do you have a secret?”

“I don’t know why you’d ask me that,” I said, standing, pacing. “It’s a weird question.”

Austin sat up and looked at me. “No, what’s weird is your reaction.”

“Austin, now is not the time,” I turned and walked away, only he followed.

“Kate, is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Why would you think that? Besides, it’s not like you shared your history.”

Austin stopped, “I have to get Brianna.” Turning back to the room, he scooped up our daughter and followed me again.

I went in to see Ryan, ignoring the fact that Austin was now glaring at me. “Hey buddy, what are you building?”

I spent the better part of the afternoon deflecting Austin’s questions. He knew there was something I wasn’t telling him, I just wasn’t sure how to say it.

Tucking the kids in, Austin stopped to see his mother. “Tomorrow,” was all he said. My heart broke for him, for all of us. This didn’t have to happen, and yet it did.

“Let’s talk,” he started, taking my hand.

“Austin, really, do we have to do this all over again?”

“Yeah, obviously we do. There’s something you’re not telling me. Did something happen when you were younger?”

“Oh, no, nothing like that.”

“So there is something.”

I hung my head, I’d have to come clean eventually. He was being persistent and wearing me down.

“Baby, what is it? Why can’t you tell me? Is there somebody else?” His tone changed, “Please tell me it’s not somebody else.”

“Austin! Of course not, you’re the only one for me.” I sighed deeply. “Fine,” I took a deep breath before continuing. “There is something small, but it’s not as big as you’re making it out to be. I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“What is it?” His hand stroked my cheek gently.

I couldn’t look into his eyes. I glanced off to the side, and let the words slip out. “I’m taking birth control pills.”

“What? I thought we were trying…” he stopped, understanding that all this time, there was no chance I’d get pregnant.

“You’re trying, I’m not.” My voice fell flat. “Austin, I’m just not ready. I don’t think I’ll ever be. Two children are enough. I haven’t had the heart to tell you.”

“But…you said…we agreed…” he could barely get the words out. “Birth control pills?” He looked down, absorbing the news. “You said we could try, now that things have been better.”

“I can’t do it,” I tried to hold in the tears that were welling up. “I don’t want to do it. I love you, I truly do, but I don’t want to get pregnant again. I’m finally feeling like myself, and I’m afraid what another pregnancy will do to my hormones and my mental state.”

“Baby, you’ll be fine.”

“You can’t just say that. You think because you say I’ll be fine, it will magically happen? You can’t know that. Your body doesn’t have to go through the changes, you don’t have to feel like crap, or give birth, and you’re not here most of the day to help raise the kids.”

Austin looked wounded. “I help out.”

“I’m not saying that, I’m just saying we have different roles. I’m not ready to do it again, and quite frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. In fact, I’ve been thinking maybe one of us should get fixed, you know, make it permanent.”

Austin stared at me, “You can’t be serious.”

“I’m very serious,” I paused. “You wanted to know my secret.”

Austin sat quietly, taking in this new turn in events. “Kate, I can’t. What if something happens to one of the kids, or something happens to you? If I remarry someday, I want to be able to have kids.”

“Wow, you’re something else. You’re already planning your life with your second wife.” I shook my head and got up.

“It’s not like that, but you just don’t know what the future holds. If either of us were to get it done, it would have to be you.”

“Wait, even though the process for you is easier?”

“I don’t want to be sterile, there’s a difference. You’re on the pill, isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know, Austin. I just don’t know anymore. My mind changes like the wind, but I’m pretty certain I’m done.”

“Pretty certain isn’t 100%. That’s not a decision to take lightly. I still want more children.”

“Then I guess we’re at an impasse, welcome to my secret world,” I said, full of snark.

Austin looked less than pleased. I would have pushed harder, but we still had his mom to deal with tomorrow.

In what I thought would be a dramatic filled event, Caroline simply packed a bag and said she’d be staying with Maggie for now. She’d send for her things later. She didn’t beg, didn’t ask to stay, she simply shut down emotionally and left.

It felt almost weird, watching her leave, the lack of feeling, and knowing she wouldn’t be here anymore.

Chapter Sixteen

When I saw them, I had to do a double take. The woman he was standing with was stunning. She had long blonde hair, bronzed skin, and an incredible figure. My stomach lurched.

Austin stood beside the woman with his hand at the small of her back, intimately, like he knew her. I watched from afar. He was oblivious, didn’t realize I was here and saw him. I was frozen like a deer in headlights. If I could move, speak, I’d confront him, but I stood watching, taking in as much detail as I could.

Everything inside of me seized up. Looking up, he glanced over our way, but didn’t notice us. What was he doing here, and who is that? My breathing got shallow as my heart raced. I’d never seen her before, and the way he was smiling made me sick.

I watched him glance at his watch and then whisper something to the woman. Together they started to walk away. I was torn; do I confront him now with my children here, or wait until he gets home?

I knew I had to do it now. He couldn’t hide the evidence when she stood right before me. I hated that my kids were with me, but I scooped up Brianna, and held Ryan’s hand. “Come on guys, we need to go somewhere. Hurry up Ry,” I said, as he stopped to pick something up. I was afraid I’d lose them in the crowd as they left the area.

Chasing after them, trying not to create a scene, I knew I couldn’t catch them, so I yelled out to stop them in their tracks. “Austin Sharpe!”

He spun around, hearing my voice. He looked surprised to see me. A few words were spoken, and he stepped aside from the woman, putting more space between them. I was sick to my stomach.
Caught red handed
.

They stood and waited as I ran over with my children, Brianna on my hip, and holding Ryan’s hand.

“What the hell, Austin? Does she know you have a family? How could you?”

The slender blonde woman looked at me, somewhat amused. “Here we go again,” she said, “another jealous wife.”

“Another? What do you do, chase after married men? He’s married, with children as you see. So you need to back off lady.”

“Whoa, Kate, calm down.”

At this point, people were staring.

“I saw you; saw your hands on her.”

“Kate, I’m working. Now is not the time or place.”

“Working? Does your contract include placing your hands on her body?”

“Kate, I’ve had just about enough. This is my client’s wife, now please apologize and go home.”

“You don’t get to order me around. I don’t give a shit if she’s your client’s wife. Does he know you put your hands on her?”

The woman exhaled deeply, losing her interest. “Austin, I’m ready to go.”