All That I Need (Secret Desires) (9 page)

“You don’t have to be a locksmith, baby. You can do whatever you want. As long as there’s some form of stability, I don’t mind if you change careers.”

I was relieved; I thought it would be much worse. I could deal with a change there. When he first started talking, I got this queer feeling in my belly that ran up and hit my chest. I was so afraid to hear him say he was leaving me. A huge sigh of relief ran through me when I heard it was about his job. I can handle this, heck I can handle just about anything as long as Austin’s in my life.

“See, the thing is that I think I’ve found something. My buddy Derek, he’s one of the guys I was over in the sandbox with, one of the soldiers…” he hesitated again. After a long pause, he finally restarted, “The thing is, he’s got this private security detail, and needs a few more guys.” He rushed to get out the next part, “The pay is great, way more than I’m making now.”

“Sounds great,” I said dreamily, realizing everything was going to be okay after all. I’d made a big deal of it in my mind for nothing. I always worry too much. More pay, nice deal. That was one less thing to stress over, money. Why would he worry about sharing news like that?

“There’s just one small part you may not like,” he treaded cautiously.

“Go on,” I said, wondering what could be so bad. More money was more money.

“We’d have to uproot, go to Washington DC, but there’s no guarantee the job would last. He’d contract me for a year. We could all move down together, or I could work for the first year, see the potential and then send for you.”

“Like live apart?” My jaw dropped, “What do you mean send for me? And I can’t just move to DC, what about my job. I’ve been there for a while, and it’s the only stable income we’ve had, along with benefits.”

“This is such a good opportunity, the money is big, almost double what you’re making, and would help us out.”

“We just bought a house, if we move now we’ll lose money,” I was freaking out inside. This wasn’t in our plans, where did it come from, and how long was he withholding this information. My stomach turned.

“The thing is, I told him I’d take it,” he lowered his gaze, not wanting to look at me.

“You did what? Without talking to me first? How could you make a decision on something this big without discussing it with me?” I was less than enthused.

“I need this, we need this,” he started. “Do you know how much pressure there is on a guy to be a breadwinner? I’ve been anything but,” shaking his head. “Since I got out of the service, things just haven’t been going my way. Kate, I want to take care of my family, and I’m finally in a place to do it. This could be really good for me, good for us.”

“Austin, you want to do it in Washington, D.C.! How am I supposed to react to that? Oh and I can just stay here, while you’re there? I don’t think so,” I was talking faster the more frustrated I grew. My agitation was obvious. “I’ve done the year apart thing, it doesn’t work for me. And you have more to think about than whether you want the job or not. You have kids, and a family, and your mother living with us. You can’t just agree to a job far away without talking to me first, that’s not fair.”

“I know, Kate. I’ve taken that all into consideration. That’s why I have to do it, I need to be a better provider for our family, and this allows me to do that. We can survive a year, we have before. I’ll come home on the weekends.”

“You want me to live with your mother and kids without you for a year? You’re plum crazy, there’s no way we’re doing this. Either you turn down the job, or we all go with you.” I shook my head.

“My mother thinks it’s a good idea, a chance for me to feel like the man I once was,” he stopped, realizing what he said.

“Your mother knows?” I was beside myself. I jumped from the bed, and started pacing. Grabbing my shirt, I pulled it over my head, talking a mile a minute. “You mean to tell me, you talked to your mother about this before me, and made a decision with her, all the while leaving me in the dark?”

I was seething. “Your mother knew before I did? What’s wrong with this picture?”

“I needed someone to talk to,” he kept putting his foot further into his mouth.

“Oh, did you now? I’m sorry,” sarcasm shot out of me, “I didn’t realize. I mean, I’m only your wife – the person you should have spoken to and discussed it with. But no, you chose to talk to your mother, make a decision about my life, without giving me the benefit of the doubt – or even allowing me any input….and you’ve made your choice. Wow, how lucky of me to not have to spend time bending my little brain over stuff like this, thank you so much oh wise one.”

“Kate, stop, you’re over reacting,” he said, getting frustrated. “I brought you here so we could discuss it, and have time together before I go.”

My jaw dropped, “You mean you only brought me here so you could drop this bomb? This wasn’t about a romantic weekend; this was to buffer the blow. You’re something else, Austin.”

“Kate, I have to leave soon, please don’t do this. I wanted our time…”

There was no winning, and he knew it. Not only had he hid the information from me, he spoke to his mom about it, made a choice, and then took me away to break the news, the entire time letting me think it was to share a romantic weekend.

I cut him off, “You have to leave soon? Geez, how long have you known about this, and why am I only hearing about it now? When exactly are you leaving?”

He wouldn’t look at me.
Shit
.

“I leave at the end of the month. I’ve known for about eight weeks.”

“Two months? You’ve known about this for two months and never once said anything? And you’re leaving in two weeks?” The tears came fast and furious. “What the hell, Austin? What the hell?”

I pulled on my jeans and sandals and left the room. I wanted to slam the door behind me, slam it hard to show him how much anger I had inside, but we were guests here, as were others. I knew better and momentarily controlled my rage.

He found me sitting in the sand, staring out at the ocean. The stars were out in full capacity. Sitting beside me, “I’m sorry. It started out as something good, a chance to make a nice income, but I was afraid to tell you. We just bought a house, my mom moved in, there were so many variables, and I wasn’t sure how to make it work.”

“How about, baby, I got a job offer, let’s discuss what’s best for our family?”

“I should be the breadwinner, the head of the family. I needed to make a decision, and I knew it would be stressful no matter what I decided. This wasn’t something I could discuss with you…my pride…” he stopped.

“God forbid you have a bruised ego. We’re a team Austin, or at least we’re supposed to be a team. I’m not ready for you to leave for a year. We’ve done that, and I don’t like being away from you. We’re still trying to put our lives back together after everything that’s gone on, and now you’re leaving. We’ll be living separate lives - and what about the kids?”

“You’ll have my mother there for help, and I’ll be home on the weekends.”

“So you want your mother and me to live together, without you there, yeah – that’s normal.” My sarcasm was sneaking back out.

“Kate, I have to do this.”

“No Austin you don’t. You want to do this, that’s the difference.”

“Is it such a crime that I want to take care of my family?”

“Live with your family, be with us, money can come later, we’ll get by.”

“Kate, I’m taking the job,” he said, and then nothing more.

The silence between us was deafening.

After what felt like forever, I said, “Then I guess you’re taking the job. I’m ready to leave. I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

“Kate, we don’t have to go until tomorrow. I wanted time alone with you,” he said, trying to soften the mood.

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure I want to be alone with you right now.”

Austin exhaled deeply, “Fine.”

The drive home was quiet, only this time it was uncomfortable, extremely uncomfortable.

My husband would be leaving in two weeks for an entire year, and I had no say in the matter. I was beyond pissed, and wasn’t sure how I’d manage a year with just his mom and the kids there. Austin was supposed to be my rock. I crumbled a little bit inside. I already felt lonely, and he hadn’t even left yet.

When we were in bed, locked in an embrace, sharing intimate moments, everything seemed like it would be okay. And now – I didn’t know what it would be. I’d done the long distance thing before and it sucked. I wasn’t a fan of these things – and once again, I got no say in the matter. The first time his military career pulled him away – only this time he did it. Did I even matter? I never seemed to get a say. Basically if I wanted Austin in my life, I dealt with it. I did want Austin in my life, but I wanted him by my side – not in Washington.

As we pulled into the driveway, I spoke firmly. “We’re coming with you. It will take me a month or two to pack the house, but we’re not living apart. We can sell the house, lease it, rent it out, I don’t care, but I want to be by your side, and I need you by mine.”

He nodded. “It will take me time to find a place.”

“That’s fine. You have three months. If you haven’t found it, I’ll come find one. Will you be getting benefits?”

“After six months,” he said. “It’s a one year contract, with the option to sign again at the end, as long as it works out for both of us.”

“It better work out. I’m uprooting my family and walking away from my job.”

Quietly, “I love you, Kate.”

I nodded, choking on my words. I didn’t know what to say anymore.

Walking inside, I was appreciative of a quiet house. The kids were sleeping, and his mom was sitting watching television. His mother commented on our early return.

I simply said, “We’re moving to DC,” flatly.

My mother-in-law looked at me with a confused expression. “I don’t want to move to Washington, I’m staying here” she started.

“Are you kidding me?” I turned to look at Austin. “This one is yours,” I said, heading to the kitchen.

“There’s been some changes,” he started. I listened to him from the safety of the other room, and the banter that went back and forth between them slowly subsided.

Caroline felt settled living here, helping with the kids, and having her own space in the house. The idea of another big change worried her. It was enough to sell her house and move in with us, but uprooting again had her on edge.

Austin spelled it out politely. “You can come with us, or you can find another option. We’d like you to join us.”

There was silence. The conversation was over for now. I was amazed at that final comment. I never expected to hear him stand up to her like that.

I rejoined them and asked if we could have some sort of family meeting. At least sit down together and talk about some choices we’d have to make. How long would we stay here? Would we rent out the house or try to sell it? What could we afford in the meantime, and when should I give work notice?

Every question I asked caused Austin to realize there was so much more to this puzzle than just him taking the job. The more we discussed details, the more he leaned towards us staying here. Selling the house we’d lose money, quitting my job we’d lose benefits. Paying our mortgage if the house didn’t sell, along with a place in DC would strap us, even with the extra income – and just like that, the rug was pulled out from under me.

“I appreciate you trying to figure this out, but you need to stay here. You and Mom can live here with the kids, I’ll come back on weekends, and we’ll re-evaluate things every three to six months. If I decide to stay with it after the first year, we’ll put the house up for sale, but we’ll have banked money to fall back on.”

“Austin, I don’t…”

He cut me off, “This isn’t up for discussion any longer. I’ve made a decision. This is what’s best for our family.”

“No, it’s not what’s best for our family. Having you here with us…”

“Dammit Kate, I’m trying to provide for you. I’ve got an opportunity to make a solid living; don’t take it away from me.”

“I’m not asking you not to do it, but don’t leave us behind,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. “I don’t want to live apart for another year; it’s not fair to me or the kids.”

In a weird twist, Caroline had nothing to add. She sat quietly watching us work things out, batting ideas back and forth, but when it came down to it, Austin had his final say. He was going, I was staying. I was beyond crushed, and couldn’t imagine being without him for another year. I appreciate that he wanted to do something new, and make more money to help support us, but not at the cost of being alone.

I bounced around between bitterness and mourning. He’d be leaving in a couple of weeks, and just like that I’d be raising my boys alone. Okay, so not completely alone, but in some strange alternate environment, here I was – not living with my husband, but living with my mother-in-law and children. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured that. Here’s hoping we could survive the change.

I knew no matter what happened, when we re-evaluated, I’d feel exactly the same way. I wanted to be by my husband’s side. If that meant moving to Washington, then so be it. The kids weren’t in school yet, so it wouldn’t be a massive change for them, and I’d rather do it now than later. I hated that he refused to listen to any other thoughts on the matter. It would cost too much to jump too soon. He promised me as soon as we could do it financially, he’d move us all.