All That I Need (Secret Desires) (7 page)

She made a peace offering, knowing I wasn’t a fan of the idea, and asked me to call her Caroline. Really? That’s the big peace offering? I swallowed my pride, what little bit I had left, and greeted her with a smile. It made me sick, the idea of her living here. There was a wall between Austin and me already with everything going on, and this would make it near impossible to tear down.

Where we’d once healed, we’d broken apart again. I was selfless he said, taking her in – when he knew damn well I wasn’t given a real choice. I was bitter and angry.

Caroline slept in Ryan’s room, after we set up a bed for her. She woke with him in the mornings, and while it was nice to sleep in a bit, I missed seeing his sleepy face first thing on waking. She found a reason to function in Ryan. She fed him, dressed him, bathed him, and sang to him.

She doted on him, but pushed out the time Austin and I spent with him. I’d go to get him, and she’d jump in, “Let me do that.” I know she thought she was being helpful, but I felt like she was stepping on my toes, taking over my life. I selfishly wanted my child back to myself.

Dinner was served by the time I got home, and Heather was no longer watching Ryan. I wanted to be thankful, but as the days and then weeks wore on, I started to feel useless. What did they need me for, if she was doing everything?

Money was handled, food was cooked, and my boys were taken care of. Chores were done, and by the time I got home from work, there was nothing left to do. I should have been grateful there was less to do, but it didn’t work that way. Instead I fell into a funk, feeling replaced.

In a weird twist, Austin seemed stronger. It was like he felt the need to take care of us all finally. I wish it had kicked in earlier, but he had his own issues to deal with. He was finally serious about finishing his classes and starting his apprenticeship. He was so close, that I really believed he’d make it this time.

I was happy for him, but as he was getting stronger, I was taking a long desperate slide to an emotionless depression, and sat in shades of gray more than color these days. Contentment seemed a far reach, and happiness was gone.

My second pregnancy couldn’t have come at a worse time. All I could do was cry, feeling trapped in my situation. What should have been a joyful moment was anything but. I dwelled in the reality of my home life, and tried to find the happiness in what was happening.

When I was ordered on bed rest, it was the moment Caroline’s presence felt like a blessing. I couldn’t have done it all by myself, wouldn’t have been able to, and in some weird way, I made peace with the fact that she was here – at least for now. We even started to talk a little bit, and the walls of hostility that had been there for so long, finally started to come down.

In the hours of being housebound together, Caroline finally spoke to me like a person. She spoke of missing her husband, and what her pregnancies were like, and as she opened up to me, seeing I wasn’t the enemy, something changed. We were nicer to each other, and a pseudo-friendship formed. We were no longer at each other’s throats, but accepted the other into our lives. I wouldn’t have guessed this was a possibility, but here I was about to have a second child, and Austin’s mother had finally accepted me, knowing how much I loved her son.

We realized with a new family member on the way, the house would be getting even more crowded. Caroline was sharing a room with Ryan. We decided we’d find a new alternative before I delivered, though packing and moving through pregnancy was going to be tiring.

Combining our resources, and with a Veteran’s loan, we were able to qualify for a small house with a yard, that offered an additional bedroom and bathroom. As my belly swelled, we started the process of packing and moving our home. It was a fresh start, and as I waddled around trying to settle into the new residence, I thought back on how much things had changed since I first met Austin.

The rush of excitement, realizing I was in love, Austin’s deployment, our marriage, his Post-traumatic stress disorder diagnosis, our first child, his father’s death, his mother moving in with us, and now a second child on the way. No wonder my head was spinning – in the last few years, so much had taken place, that there was barely any room for us to work on our relationship.

With everything taking priority, I realized we’d put ourselves on the backburner. It was time to fix that, and rediscover what we once had, or we’d be forever in a shuffle of putting our relationship last.

After our daughter was born, I made the commitment to myself to tackle this head on. I wasn’t taking no for an answer, as I desperately wanted my husband fully back in my life.

Austin’s apprenticeship was going well, and his confidence was climbing. His mother and I had found balance, and our new angel Brianna was here. Pretty soon, Austin would be starting his own business, and I’d be back to work. With Caroline here to help with the kids, we’d found a pattern that finally seemed to give everybody what they needed - time, space, and respect.

Chapter Ten

When Austin suggested a long weekend away, I was nervous and excited. It would be our first time away from the children, but Caroline was so good with them; I knew they’d be okay. He suggested we return to the bed and breakfast down at the beach – the one we’d visited before. I’d been hoping to rekindle our spark, and this seemed like a great place to start.

The only thing plaguing me was my softer shape. I hadn’t lost the baby weight yet, and my tummy was looking pouchy. I didn’t feel very sexy, but I missed my husband terribly. I’d have to get over my current body issues, and be grateful for time alone with him.

Like a bad habit, sex fell out of our patterns again. We hadn’t been intimate as much as we’d like recently, between his mother living with us, the children, and our own internal stress. I was given the okay by my doctor that I was clear to have sex, but while there was a piece of me that was happy, it was almost like it was a safe excuse as to why we avoided it. With a valid reason, we couldn’t place blame.

I knew a lot of it had to do with stress, because we were barely active through my pregnancy, or before that with his father’s passing, his mom moving in, his Post-traumatic stress issues, and medications he was dealing with…and well, I wasn’t exactly making a big deal to invite him into our bed with open arms.

It was now or never. We make a calculated attempt at getting things back on course, or they’d continue to spiral out of control.

I figured if he wanted me enough he’d make the effort, but it takes two and I certainly didn’t welcome those advances for a while. Not like there were a ton of them, but it just wasn’t my priority. I’m as much to blame here as anyone.

We had a chance, and we were both ready to take it.

Pulling up to The Sandcastle, Austin parked the car on the pebbled driveway. I smiled seeing the familiar bed and breakfast. It was as charming as I remembered, and flashing back to our previous experience, I felt like this was the perfect choice for the weekend.

The drive was quiet, but not uncomfortable; I think we were both enjoying the peaceful drive with light music playing. With two kids, quiet was treasure these days. We hadn’t been talking much anyway, not to point out the obvious, but we had a divide between us and desperately needed to bridge the gap.

“Watch your step,” he grinned, before getting out.

“What are you saying?” I said, cautiously climbing from the vehicle. “At least this time, I managed to stay on my feet,” I smiled.

Gathering our bags from the trunk, we headed inside. Tripping up the stairs, I fell and burst out laughing.

“Not again?” Austin shook his head, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just…yeah, I fell up the steps.” I said sheepishly.

“Last time we were here, you tripped getting out of the car,” he laughed. “You’re a handful. Still learning to use your feet? Most people trip down stairs, not up them.”

I grinned at my husband, and righted myself. “Let’s go, Romeo.” I was a natural catastrophe on my own feet sometimes.

Greeting the owner, we were shown to our room. I smiled walking through the doorway, remembering our past visit. We were so in love. I’m still in love, but it’s different. Stress, children, money, his mother, it’s taken a lot out of us lately. I hated how detached we felt half the time. We were going through the motions, and if we were lucky we’d share a romantic moment eventually. Being back here reminded me how great it could be. I wanted that back. I wanted the passion.

There was a mixed bouquet of fresh flowers on one of the tables. Going over, I inhaled deeply, taking in the mix of floral fragrances. It was one of the little special details of the room, real flowers rather than some green plastic or silk plant so many places rely on these days.

We slowly unpacked, talking about nothing in particular. It wasn’t awkward, but there wasn’t the same rush to get naked and busy as there once was. Instead, we relaxed discussing what we could do while we were here. We’d grown into a mature relationship, one with marriage and kids, and one where the lust had dwindled. It was obvious as we sat in the room made for loving.

We used to be in such a hurry to get undressed and snuggle under the covers together, and yet today there was no rush. There were simply two people looking at one another, hoping to rekindle a lost spark. There was hope, but also a bit of faded glory, realizing how far we’d let things slide.

I wanted him to wrap his arms around me, tell me how much he’s missed me. What was once a comfortable silence became awkward.

“Do you want to go for a walk on the beach?” He was scrambling, trying to kill the dead space between us.

“Sure, I’d like that,” I said. What happened? I was ready for time alone, and now here we are, and we’re like two teens on a first date, uncertain what to do next. I thought it would be as easy as flipping a switch, but something was missing.

The sand was soft on my feet, and as he reached over to take my hand, I smiled at the familiar feel of his hand in mine. There was a sense of security, telling me we were still connected even though we were struggling to find our way. Lately, I wasn’t sure. I mean, I know we were committed, but otherwise the spark we once shared was so dim most of the time it was hard to see. Was I being fickle, holding out for what we used to have? I knew I’d have to settle for what we are now.

The smell of the ocean was familiar, though I didn’t visit it often enough. Listening to the crash of the waves, while starting loud they seemed to fade into a dull white noise the longer we stood with our feet in the sand. There was something peaceful about the steady pattern and rhythm, wave after wave rolling into the beach, threatening to wet our feet if we got too close before gently receding back and doing it again.

When Austin started talking, I was surprised. He’d never been so open before. I’m not sure what brought it on, but I listened quietly as he spilled hidden secrets.

“When my father died, I was scared. Suddenly, I had to step up and be the man of my family. I’d been the head of our family for a while, but felt like I wasn’t doing a good job. I’ve been struggling with my own issues, but now I not only had you relying on me, but my mother too. I think it finally knocked me a bit, realizing I needed to figure it out. Once my father was gone something clicked, and I knew it was real. There was no going back – there were no more second chances. He wasn’t even that old, it doesn’t seem right. You’re supposed to die of old age, and he wasn’t old.”

I listened to him talk with great curiosity. That he opened up and shared a piece of himself was huge. He rarely talked about his private feelings. I wished he’d do it more often.

“Anyway,” he continued, “I think I started to think about my own mortality, and how this could all be taken away. It was scary to realize that in an instant, it could all be over. We have children, and they need their father. I don’t feel like I’ve been doing enough to contribute. I’m not apologizing for my issues, because that’s beyond my control, but I’m apologizing for not stepping up sooner. So with that, I’m sorry I flaked out on you. It was wrong to shut down, shut you out, and I’d like to try to fix that.”

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I never dreamed I’d hear those words. I turned to hold Austin. In an embrace, I whispered how much I loved him. His arms folded tighter around me, pulling me in. “We’re going to be okay,” I added.

“I hope so. I’ve never loved anyone more. I couldn’t handle losing you or the children. I know I gave you some tough choices lately, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you took in my mother, and stood by my side as I’ve gone through my other issues.”

“We’re adjusting,” I said. Honestly I had, though I didn’t think it was possible. We were learning to work around each other, and even found a way to get along. It wasn’t my first choice, and I’d be thrilled for her to find her own place again, but it was a circumstance I learned to live with, quite literally.

“Are we okay?” He pulled me closer.

“I think so,” I pressed my cheek to his chest. “I want to be.”

“I do too,” his fingers raked through my hair. It felt so nice standing there, embracing one another, knowing we both wanted things to improve, and we were more than aware we had work to do getting there.

“I’m a little nervous,” I finally admitted. “I haven’t lost the rest of the baby weight yet.”

“What are you talking about, you look great.”