All the Wrong Reasons (21 page)

“I’m not pushing you,” he said, distressed. “But maybe I’m tired of you hiding me. Maybe I’d like to go out with you sometimes – take you to dinner or something.”

“Oh?” I said as anger burned a hole in my heart. “I thought you liked this arrangement – someone to fuck without having to deal with all the relationship stuff.”

He laughed hollowly, the sound tearing at my soul. “Is that what you think? Honestly? Do you even know me?”

Pain filled the hole in my heart as I jumped to my feet and stormed through the living room to his bedroom. “I thought I did but I guess I was wrong.”

“Where are you going?” he asked in a weary, irritated voice.

“Home,” I said as I snatched my bag and grabbed my coat. “Goodbye.”

I slammed the door behind me and stalked to my car, not even looking back once.

Chapter 15

I fumed as I maneuvered through the streets, headed for home. How could he expect me to just start flaunting my relationship with him when I hadn’t even broken up with my boyfriend yet? Didn’t he know that I was nervous about Amber knowing? And probably Holly, too, by now. Certainly Amber called her best friend to cry about it. I would have.

I groaned as U wiped absently at the angry tears coursing down my cheeks. I couldn’t go home – my mother wasn’t expecting me until later. And if I went home in this state, she’d have a fit.

I drove around aimlessly until I spotted a shopping center. After I pulled into the lot and parked, I dug into my purse for a tissue.

I rested my head against the steering wheel as I tried to clear my mind. I hated confrontations and arguments – hated them. And I hated the way I felt.

“Selfish,” I spit as I lifted my head. “Utterly, horribly selfish, that’s what I am. What’s the big damn deal about going to a party? So what if Dustin hears a rumor – you’ll tell him the truth anyway. As soon as he gets home – before anyone has a chance to say a word to him.”

I dug my phone out of my pocket and frowned. I figured Lucas would have called by now. He hadn’t. Maybe he needed a little time to cool off.

I got out of the car and walked along the sidewalk, browsing through the windows of the shops as I killed a little time.

Certainly he’d call, asking me to come back. Or maybe I should just call him, I thought. I bit my lip as I entered a drug store. I strolled through the aisles not even seeing what was on the shelves.

“What am I doing?” I muttered aloud, earning a curious glance from a woman with a young child. “He’s mad and he’s not calling and I’m stupid for wasting my time thinking he will.”

I left the store and drove home – the silent phone in my pocket tearing at my heart. I kept thinking about how angry he’d been. Maybe when I stormed out the door he took that as a sign that it was over. Maybe I should have just stayed and talked to him about it.

I barked a shallow laugh. When had I ever just talked about it? Every time Dustin brought up something unpleasant I always demanded that he take me home.

And what about when I got angry with Lucas when Amber was hinting that she’d gone out with him? I ended the discussion when it became uncomfortable. I pushed everything aside like always. And that hadn’t solved a damn, single thing.

I parked in the drive and gathered my things. The house was quiet and empty and it puzzled me. After I unpacked, I plopped on my bed. My eyes fell on the laptop and started to fill with tears. After I plugged it in, I followed all the start up instructions until finally I was able to access the word processing program. I wiggled my fingers over the keys while the beginning of the story formed in my head. When I judged it ready, I released my fingers and started to write. The words flowed effortlessly and it was so much easier to type than to try to keep up with a pen.

By the time my mother and cousin came home, I was three quarters finished with the story.

***

I couldn’t sleep that night. I tossed and turned but I refused to call Lucas. I’d realized before I went to bed that I had acted childish and that I should be the one calling him – but I needed to cool off, too, and sort my thoughts. And I needed to give him a little space. I’d go see him in the morning so we could talk. I’d tell him everything and maybe things would be all right.

I got up early the next morning to find my mother singing softly in the kitchen. She smiled over her shoulder at me as she scrambled a few eggs in a bowl.

“I have to work the early shift today,” she said as she dumped her mixture into a frying pan. “Tommy wants to come with me – can you believe it?”

I couldn’t. My jaw moved up and down so that I resembled some sort of zombie found only in horror flicks.

Mom laughed. “Brenda and Jim hauled a secondhand piano into the pub – a little upright - so Tommy could play it when I have to take him to work with me.”

Brenda and Jim owned the little pub my mother managed and were two of the nicest people I’d ever met. “They even said Tommy could play for the patrons and put a tip jar on the piano but I don’t think that’s right. Let him play because he loves it and not for money.”

She pointed at a chair gesturing for me to sit. She placed a heaping plate of eggs in front of me before dropping to a chair.

“You look like you haven’t slept in ages, Irelyn,” she said with a tilted head. “And I know it’s not because you miss Dustin. Something is off…”

I dropped my fork, bowing my head. “Yes, something is off,” I whispered.

“Honey,” she said, taking my hand. “If you don’t love Dustin then don’t let my father bully you into marrying him. Don’t be like me.”

My head shot up and I stared at her – totally taken aback. Wasn’t she the one who slept around – sort of like me? Didn’t she love a musician – also like me? “What do you mean?” I asked. “Grandfather didn’t bully you into marrying anyone.”

“No,” she said thoughtfully. “But he bullied me out of marrying Lonnie. He forced me to let Lonnie go and I was miserable. I tried to pull myself together to be more like how they wanted me to be but I couldn’t.” She smiled wistfully at a distant memory. “The last thing Lonnie said to me was to be true to myself.” She patted my hand. “That’s when I decided to leave home at such a young age. It was hard and I messed up quite a few times– but I knew then that I would never, ever be what they wanted me to be – I’d be myself.”

I stared at her in awe. “So…” I couldn’t form a coherent thought let alone sentence.

“So, I broke free from them,” she blushed, turning her face away slightly. “Probably a little too free and I did go a little overboard – but I came to my senses and returned home. Well, here in this town. I was about to have a baby so I got a job and rented a tiny apartment. The rest is history.”

I was on the edge of my seat. I actually thought for a moment she might reveal who my father was but when she didn’t – I didn’t ask. I’d asked before and she’d told me she honestly didn’t know.

“Wow, Mom,” I said, wondering how her story applied to me and Dustin. “I think you turned out just fine,” I said. I pushed my plate away. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Think about what I said,” she ordered as she took my plate away. “Be you, Irelyn.”

I ran up to my room to pace. I’d already showered and dressed so I couldn’t do that. I’d finished Lucas’s story the night before and had sneaked down to print it so I couldn’t do that.

“But I could go see him,” I whispered. “Apologize. Tell him I’ll go with him to the party.”

My heart fluttered signaling that I just had to go. I put on my coat, grabbed my bag, and flew down the stairs. I called out to my mother that I was going out for awhile and I’d be back later.

My nerves reared as I parked in front of his house. I had to take a couple deep breaths before I could even summon the courage to open the car door. My legs shook as I walked up to the porch. I knocked softly and smiled when Collin answered the door.

“Come in, darling,” he said as he helped me with my coat. He tossed it on a chair and escorted me to the sofa. “Are you okay?”

I nodded. “Um, where’s Lucas?”

“He was called in to work for something – he shouldn’t be long. You can wait here if you like.”

“Thanks,” I muttered, suddenly uncomfortable. I wanted to ask Collin all kinds of questions but a huge lump formed in my throat.

“Relax, Irelyn,” Collin whispered. “I’m sure Luke was planning to call as soon as he cooled off.”

I whipped my head up, alarmed. “He’s…still…mad?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” Collin said, backtracking. “Um, he’s just been in a pissy mood is all.”

Fear swooped through my body, dislodging the lump in my throat, releasing a torrent of tears. I wailed, covering my face, scaring Collin in the process.

“Um, there, there,” he muttered, patting me awkwardly on the back. “It’s all right, darling, really.” He reached over me and cursed again. “Damn, stupid brother used all the tissues when he was sick. Hold on.”

When he left, I tried desperately to control my useless sobbing but I couldn’t. I just knew Lucas was through with me and all the hiding and sneaking around. By the time Collin returned, I was convinced Lucas was dating someone new and that if I didn’t leave, I’d see him walk through the door with her.

“Here,” Collin said, handing me a roll of toilet paper. I took it in my unsteady hand, staring at him, my tears temporarily on hold. He smiled feebly and shrugged. “We’re out of tissue.”

I was still holding the roll in my hand when the door flew open. I didn’t need to look over my shoulder to know who it was.

“Irelyn?” Lucas asked in disbelief. “Are you okay?”

I managed to turn to him as he slowly pulled the stocking cap off his messy head. He tossed it absently toward the chair as he approached the sofa. “What’s the matter?”

The tears started again so I couldn’t speak. He dropped to his knees in front of me, plucking the roll out of my hands to set it on the coffee table. He took me in his arms. “Shh, love,” he whispered as he stroked my hair. “Shh. Calm down. Everything is fine, love, don’t worry.”

“Luke, why don’t you two head off to your room and talk privately?” Collin suggested. I felt Lucas’s nod before he stood and helped me to my feet. “And take the toilet paper – in case she needs to blow.”

I coughed out a laugh as Collin crammed the roll in my hand. Lucas clutched my other hand and led me to his bedroom. He shut the door before easing me to his bed. He took off his coat, letting it drop it to the floor.

“Please don’t cry,” he said as he sat next to me. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to push you and I didn’t mean to get angry.”

I shook my head as I tore a gob of paper off the roll to dab my eyes and nose. “I shouldn’t have been so angry, Luke. It was stupid and you’re right – no one will know me or Dustin and even if they do, I just don’t care.”

Tipping my chin, he took the paper from my hands to wipe the tears off my face. “You do care, Irelyn, and that’s all right. It is your life.”

“I’m going to break up with Dustin,” I said, gazing in his eyes. “I was going to do it over the break but he left for Europe and I didn’t want to do it before his trip. I didn’t want to ruin it.”

He opened his mouth, licked his lips then spoke. “You’re…breaking up…with him?”

I nodded. “When he gets back I’m going to do it,” I said.

“Wow,” Lucas said partially under his breath. “Why?”

I dropped my hands to my lap in disbelief. “Why am I breaking up with him?” Lucas nodded. I tilted my head, eyes narrowed. “I thought you’d be happy.”

“That’s beside the point,” he said. “I thought you loved him.”

I blinked slowly, deliberating. “I thought I did, too. It’s just, I’m sort of stuck. On the one hand, there’s my mother who totally rebelled against my grandparents and pretty much had sex with whoever caught her eye – and ended with me, the bastard child.” I sucked in a breath. “On the other hand, are my grandparents with their perfect lives, except for the two failures they call daughters. But, they get a second chance when the oldest bastard child did exceptionally well in school. At last – a chance for redemption in the eyes of their peers whose opinions matter more than anything else. They give their granddaughter the best education and are extremely happy when she starts dating a boy in which they whole-heartedly approve.”

I chanced a quick glance at him and he was mesmerized by my story.

“But good little granddaughter meets a man she can’t keep her hands off of and enter drama. She tells herself it’s just a fling – an affair – and she can end it whenever she wants. Then she tells herself that it’s okay to see him again because no one’s been hurt yet – and no one will get hurt if no one finds out. When she sets deadlines, she blows them off, making excuses to keep seeing him. But she finally realizes that he’s the one she wants and not the other boy.”

Sighing, I got to my feet. “Lucas, I struggled – still am struggling – with which person I want to be. Do I end up like my mother? Or end up like my grandparents?”

His arms snaked around my middle as he rested his chin on the top of my head. “Why can’t you just be Irelyn?”

I snorted. “I don’t know who Irelyn is.”