Almost Broken (27 page)

“Yeah,” I confirm.

“However there was no time loss, or blackout at that time?”

“No.”

“The last time you had a switch that you remember at least was the day before Lauren arrived?” she asks, and I nod.

“And the memories began once
she
arrived. Lauren, I mean?” she asks, and I nod again.

“Does that mean something?” I ask her, feeling a little anxious.

“Possibly? How do you feel about Lauren?” That was a little blunt. I wasn’t really ready for that question.

“Uhm.” I feel myself starting to fidget in my chair.

“Remember, Chris, that you can speak freely here. There is no need to feel nervous. Our session will only be beneficial if you’re completely honest,” she says, folding her hands.

“I’ve never felt the way I feel about her before. It’s like we have a connection but that would be crazy because I haven’t known her long. I don’t know her, like I do Jenna. I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way, and I’m afraid that the feelings aren’t mine.” It feels good to say it out loud.

“I think one of the hardest things for patients who dissociate is to realize that your alters…”

“Alter,” I interject. God, let there just be one.

“
Alter,
is a part of you. You share the same feelings that he does. Cal was created for a reason. What my job will be is to help you to find out what that is. Our goal is to integrate that portion of your personality—the portion created to help you cope—back into the fold so to speak, making you whole once again.” Her voice is smooth and calming, but the word “integrate” makes my skin crawl.

“I don’t want to integrate with him. I want him gone,” I say quietly as if Lauren can hear me. When the words leave my mouth I feel a rush of relief. Then, I see Lauren’s face in my mind, and I feel a huge amount of guilt.

“It’s normal for you to feel at odds with your alter. However, he is a part of you. I can only liken it to cutting off your own foot.”

“I’d get a prosthetic.”

She smiles. “Well, you seem to get along well with Lauren, and you have a little girl that you’ve taken quite well to, you state. He can’t be all bad,” she says, and I roll my eyes. It was sheer luck he didn’t impregnate some STD-ridden psycho.

“One of my acquaintances who knew me as Cal says that he wouldn’t like my fiancée. If we’re one, how could he hate someone that I love,” I counter.

“From what it sounds like Cal may be the part of your personality that is uninhibited, unedited, that does and says the things that you may not. He is the personification of the emotions that you sequester. If there is a part of you that dislikes things about her it isn’t unusual that his feelings would be magnified,” she says, closing her leather notebook and pulling out another pad. I look at the clock in the office and see that our session is over.

She writes on the paper tears it off and hands it to me.

“Medication?” I ask.

“No. There isn’t any medication that is specifically for DID but some treat the symptoms that it could cause like depression, insomnia sometimes physical ailments, but other than your panic attack, it seems that you’re not suffering from anything that concerns me. This is just a bit of homework.”

I take the piece of paper and read

Find three things that you like about Cal.

Is she serious?

“It’s so important that you come to terms with the fact that he is a part of you and that you embrace that part of yourself. He isn’t your enemy,” she says, standing from her seat. He’s not exactly my friend either.

“You are at an advantage. You have a direct source to reach him,” she says as we walk towards her door. That’s my worry, I don’t want to reach him or connect with him or understand him. I want him to disappear. I want him gone, like he never existed.

Chris said everything went fine in his session with the doctor, but I can’t help but notice that his mood has changed. He was nervous before, but now it’s almost like he’s irritated. I don’t know what the doctor told him, but whatever she said, he didn’t like it very much. I can tell he’s trying to hide it, but for the first time, he’s pretty transparent. He’s quiet on our way back to the car. I want to ask him what happened and get more than a throwaway answer like “everything went fine.” I’d pay anything to know what went on in there, and since he doesn’t seem to want to elaborate, I’ve decided not to push any further.

It’s absolutely beautiful out, unseasonably warm for an April day in Chicago and so many people are out taking advantage of it. I start to think back to the late nights when Cal and I would walk around downtown while it was quiet. I put that memory away as quickly as I can. I can’t think about Cal. I try to keep all my memories of Cal and I locked away, because thinking of him will consume me. It’s like a slippery slope, one thing leads to another. First it’s something we used to do together, soon I’m thinking about the way he used to smile, the way he laughed, how it felt when he hugged me. And, when I think about how it felt to be in his arms, I think of other touches, and my body becomes alive with the memory of him. Sometimes I manage to sleep through these instances, and wake up feeling slightly satisfied. Other times, I require a cold shower. Now I’m walking next to Chris and neither of those options are available to me.

I wish Chris would just say something. When him and I are together and there’s silence, when things start to feel awkward between us, that’s when I think about Cal the most.

He’s not saying anything, but I can tell there are a million thoughts running through his head. Still he’s taking in everything around him. The noise, the lights, the energy of the city, they make me feel alive. I’m not sure if it does that with Chris. He’s observant, but I’m not sure if it excites him.

When we make it back to the car, I start to ask him if he wants me to drive. I have to admit that his driving scared me a little once we hit downtown. It’s ridiculously apparent that he’s not used to driving in such a congested area, but he didn’t even hesitate to get back in the driver’s seat.

“I have another appointment with Dr. Clemons next week,” he says before starting the car.

“That’s good. Do you feel comfortable with her?” I ask, glad that he’s finally opening up about his appointment.

“For a stranger, I guess.” He chuckles looking down at his lap.

“She wants to do some testing at our next appointment,” he continues.

“What type of testing?”

“To confirm that I actually have DID. Go figure right?” He grins, and I can’t help but laugh at that.

“The other is to test my level of dissociation. I think,” he continues. That’s why he should have asked for me to come in and talk to her. After hearing from me there wouldn’t be any test needed. I can testify to the fact that his level is pretty high.

He sighs. “She gave me some homework,” he says sarcastically, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. He glances at it and hands it to me. I unfold it and have to bite my cheeks to keep the smile from spreading across my face. So this is why he’s been sulking.

“This isn’t so bad,” I say, and he frowns. Well of course it’s bad. He doesn’t want to like Cal.

“She wants me to connect with him.” Again with the sarcasm. I guess it’s better than pouting.

“Is that such a bad thing?”

He looks at me, completely baffled. It’s funny that Chris has never said how he’s felt about Cal. I mean I know he isn’t happy about him, but I never got the impression that he has the same disdain for him as his dad. I somehow thought he’d come to terms with the fact that Cal is
him,
but from the way he’s acting, now maybe he doesn’t think of Cal as himself.

“Nope. It’s awesome,” he says even more sarcastically than before. I feel myself growing defensive, and I’m really trying not to be. We both sit in silence the awkwardness filling up the car.

“Well are you going to do it?” I ask trying very hard to restrain my aggravation.

“I kind of have to,” he sounds bitter. At this moment I realize just how much I have filtered myself when it comes to Chris.

I’ve done it since I’ve known him.

After our disastrous introduction I’ve been trying to keep my emotional outbursts on lock down. But, in reality, my tongue has become pretty sharp when I’m upset. Thanks to Cal and I usually say things without thinking about them. I tried to be pre-Cal Lauren. I wanted him to see that I’m not psychotic. Maybe in the back of my head I’ve sort of shown him what I imagined he wanted me to be. I haven’t been dishonest about who I am but he certainly hasn’t seen me in my full glory which laughable since his fiancé is complete... I won’t even go there but what he’s just said strikes something in me and the tight rope that’s been holding me together from letting the old Lauren, Cal’s Lauren rearing her head. I don’t know if it’s the city, the fact that I’m hungry and tired from sitting in a waiting room for three hours or the fact that what he just said is so out of character from the man I used to know but the kids gloves are coming off.

“You don’t have to do anything Chris.” He is caught off guard by the bluntness of my statement.

“You always have a choice in life. You don’t have to do that assignment if you don’t want to. You could crumple up the paper and throw it out the window right now. You could go back and tell her you aren’t going to do it; you can walk away from this doctor and never look back,” I say looking him directly in the eye. I expect him to give some sort of response but he doesn’t, he just shrugs and chuckles. Now I am pissed off.

“Did you want to get something to eat before we hit the highway or wait till we get home?” he asks as a quiet yawn escapes his mouth. The next moment he rests his head against his arms as they drape over the steering wheel. His sleepy green eyes look downward and a small smile spreads across his face; and, just like that, my anger disappears. He doesn’t want to debate, fight or piss me off he just wants peace, and I feel a warm calmness spread through my body.

“I can wait,” I say. It’s funny, how ridiculous I can be. I was angry for nothing really.

“But you look tired. Are you sure you’re up for the drive back with no rest?” I ask him.

“I’m good,” he says yawning again and I laugh aloud this time.

“I have an idea, and you are under no obligation to say yes if you don’t want,” I start with a disclaimer. He looks at me apprehensively, but I can tell that I’ve piqued his interest

“Our…My house is less than fifteen minutes away,” I continue. His face remains impassive, and I take that to be a good omen.

“We could order some food and get a couple of hours of sleep before hitting the road again,” I finish giving him my most innocent smile.

“You might even be able to knock your homework out in one day,” I say giving him a little nudge.

“Why not?” he says simply. That was easier than I thought it would be. Sometimes he does surprise me.

I
’ve
only been to Chicago once, in high school for a class science trip before all of this happened, that I can remember. So, it was a little eerie that I was able to drive to Lauren’s house without directions. I wanted to think it was just a fluke, but honestly it was more like I was on auto-pilot. The visit with the doctor really drained me, and I just drove without thinking.

Lauren tells me to stop in front of the building addressed 304. I do as she instructs, and when I look at it I’m astonished. There are at least thirty floors, and it looks more like an expensive hotel than an apartment building.

“This is it?” I’m sure she has noticed my apprehension, she gives me a nod and a beautiful smile. “Where do I park?” I ask. But before she can respond there’s a guy in a suit near my door.

“He’ll park it,” she says and gestures for me to let down the window.

“Hi James, can you take it around please” Lauren replies.

“Of course Mrs. Scott,”

“Good evening sir,” he says opening my door.

“How are you?” I’m not really sure how to act.

“Wonderful and you?” he says,

“Great,” I reply looking over at Lauren in disbelief.

“You can get out, it’s in good hands” Lauren’s tone is playful and I notice the man is returning her smile. I feel left out of the joke.

“Do you need any help upstairs,” he asks.

“I’ve got it” I tell James as I step out of the car.

“Have a great night James” she says as we head to the entrance of the building.

“What about the keys?” I ask.

“They’ll send them up,” she’s amused by my uncertainty. I follow her into the building and we head to the elevator. This can’t be an apartment building. I feel like I should be paying something to walk in.

“This is nice,” I whisper feeling like I’m in a museum.

“You have good taste,” and she winks at me as the elevator closes.

“I picked this place?” I can’t believe that I would pick a place like this. When she presses the button for the thirtieth floor I take a deep breath. I think I might be sick. .

“You’d been here a few months before we met” she smiles at me. It’s a little weird how she’s not saying Cal but me. As the elevator makes its way up I put one of my hands on the wall and take a few more deep breaths.

“Are you okay?” she asks nervously and I nod my head.

“Yeah, I just don’t really like high places” I say swallowing the sick feeling in my stomach. Her eyes widen in surprise.

“I forgot you’re afraid of heights?” she says covering a laugh.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say afraid, more like I hate them, “I say with a laugh. But, if we go any higher I’m going to throw up.

“Well, I may need to get curtains or something then,” she says exiting the elevator once it stops.

“Why is that?”

“You’ll see,” she says with a slight giggle. When she opens the door to the apartment my jaw hits the floor as she turns on the lights.

“This is it” she says as she closes the door behind her.