Almost Broken (28 page)

She’s watching me waiting for a response. If I didn’t feel like I walked into someone else’s life before, I definitely do now. Everything in this place screams expensive. For one it’s huge and I even know space equals money in the city. There’s a seventy inch, television and leather furniture that looks imported, a kitchen where everything is stainless steel and modern. It looks like a show room or bachelor pad except for the play pen and toys scattered about…

“I’m pissed! Just leave me alone Cal!” Lauren says snatching away from me but I grab her and push her up against the window our bodies pressed against each other.

“I don’t think that’s what you want” I say as my hands go underneath her dress and my fingers slip inside her. She moans as I do.

“Now I know that’s not what you wan,t” I whisper into her. She reaches down to move my hand but I just move it away with my other hand and go deeper into her. After a minute she relents spreading her thighs.

“I haven’t seen you in two weeks. You make me sick! I’m not screwing you tonight,” she says bitterly in between soft moans.

“Not a problem. I’ll screw you.”

“What do you think?” her voice pulls me out of I don’t know what to call it, a trance, fantasy or shit! I look at her trying to keep my expression calm and unaffected by what I just saw. I look at the window the exact place where I-he held her. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen things this way. Recently the way I see things, these memory are like second hand as if I’m watching, this time it was like I was there,…doing those things.

“Can I get a glass of water or something?” I ask my voice is shaky. She looks at me curiously for a minute but then she nods.

“Sure,” she says as she makes her way to the kitchen. I try to forget about what I just saw, how hot her skin was, how good she smelled and felt.

“Kittens, grandma, Spongebob, rats, math,” I mumble trying to think of every turn off I can. When I look up and see her heading towards the spot I’m standing in by the window, the spot I just saw her pinned up against I make a beeline to the couch. She looks a little caught off guard stopping mid-way.

“Are you okay?” she asks a little nervous.

“I’m good,” I say folding my hands together. She smiles tightly and hands me the glass of water. I finish it in record time.

“This must be weird huh?” she asks her voice light but a little shaky. She has no idea, but then again maybe she does.

“A little bit,” I answer gripping the glass tighter in my hand.

“I guess I need to show you around,” she smiles and sweeps a piece of hair from on her face.

“Cool,” I say.

“Well this is pretty self-explanatory,” she gestures towards the living room and kitchen area.

“There’s a bathroom right there,” she points to what I thought was a closet in the far corner. She heads up the stairs and I follow her. Her butt is right at eye level now, and I try not to stare at it. As I follow her every move I find myself struggling with the urge to grab it.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Thank God we’re up the stairs so I’m no directly behind her. We walk down the hall to the right and she opens the door.

“Caylen’s
room,” she says. She steps aside for me to walk in. I do but only half way. It’s pink. There’s a rocking chair and a book case filled with
kids books and glowing stars on the wall and ceiling.

“Cute,” I laugh and she smiles. The next stop is a small bathroom and then she stops in front of two doors. She hesitates, and lets out a sigh then opens the doors.

“This is my room,” she says quietly. She stands aside for me to go in. It’s really big, bigger than mine. There’s floor to ceiling windows lining the entire left side and a door to a patio. In the center of the room is a gigantic bed. I recognize the black ceiling fan
      
from that…dream or maybe not so much a dream. On the right side of the room is I see double doors I imagine to be the closet and a single door I assume is the bathroom.

“This is a really nice place,” I admit stuffing my hands in my pocket.

“Yeah, thanks,” she sort of laughs then shakes her head.

“You picked out everything in this apartment, well almost...even me” she chuckles then her expression shatters.

“Bad joke, really bad joke” she says covering her face.

“No it wasn’t that bad, maybe work on your delivery a little” I joke touching her hands and moving them from covering her face.

Don’t ever hide that beautiful face from me again.

The moment is brief but I just saw her, sitting a table in a diner her hands over her face just how they were now, but he was he one removing them.

“Are you going to let go?” she whispers, and I wonder how long I’ve been holding her hands.

“I’m sorry,” I say feeling like an idiot stepping away from her.

“What just happened Chris?” she asks apprehensively.

“Nothing, I just” I stumble over my words but she’s obviously not buying it. She just sighs a little.

“I’m going to order some food? Chinese okay?” she asks moving from the space we just shared in the doorway.

“Yeah, that’s great,” before I can even finish my statement she’s heading down the stairs.

Ugh, that wasn’t awkward at all.

This trip was supposed to help me find something I like about him so far it’s making me do the opposite, I know it’s him doing this, ruining everything throwing bits and pieces of memories at me at the most awkward time possible.

No need for me to interfere. You’re screwing this up all by yourself.

There it is again! I close the door behind me and walk over to the needlessly large mirror and stare at it.

“You are an asshole!” I say into it. “And I can’t wait to get rid of you!”

Such language, Chris. Sorry to tell you, but the mirror isn’t going to talk back. We don’t have hallucinations.

“Go away. Right now!” My anger is getting the best of me.

But we haven’t had any fun yet.

“This is fun for you? Making me talk to myself, driving me crazy, destroying Laurens life is fun for you?”

“Chris who are you talking to?” Lauren says her voice slightly raised. How much did she hear?

I really am going crazy.

“My parents,” I say pulling my phone out of my pocket.

“I was letting them know we were taking a break before heading back,” I say quickly.

She looks at me skeptically but a few seconds later her worried expression disappears. She tells me that the food will be here in a half hour, but before she walks away she asks if I’d like her to shut the door. She thinks I’m crazy. I tell her I’ll be down in a minute, then turn to go into the bathroom. She just looks at me and walks away. She knows I’m crazy.

Great idea coming here.

Something is going on with him. I don’t know what it is, but he seems nervous and a little timid. I was going to the room to ask him what type of Chinese he wanted me to order for him and I heard him talking or better yet arguing. I didn’t hear exactly what was going on but whatever it was he was livid. I’ve never heard him that angry before. He said he was talking to his parents but I just don’t see how that could be the case unless he just hung up on them as soon as I came in the room.

I wonder if it was a good idea coming here, bringing him to the house and letting him see our life. He had just seen his doctor maybe this was too much too soon, but he looked so tired in the car. Now he doesn’t look tired he looks annoyed, maybe even a little paranoid. His appetite is normal though since he’s eaten two plates of Chinese food but he’s been so quiet I don’t really know what to make of it. No jokes, no short stories he’s looks like he’s in deep thought and it’s causing the tension in the air to be heavy.

“How do you like the food?” I ask him even though he’s been devouring it. I want him to say something, to break whatever reverie he’s in. It’s almost like he’s reverted back to the man who showed up at my hotel room after I exploded on his front porch. I definitely don’t want us to go back there.

“It’s really good. I’m stuffed now,” he says washing down his food with the glass of orange soda.

“I’m glad you liked it,” I say starting to clean up the table.

“I don’t need a nap if you just want to hit the road in a few,” he says standing and stretching. I look back at him surprised as I throw away the take out containers. Usually after most people eat as much as he did, especially Chinese, they could sleep for a while. Now he’s ready to hit the road? Once I turn all the way around I have to admit he looks alert, the anxiousness and worried look that was on his face is gone. Maybe it’s just being here is what makes him uncomfortable. I try to pretend like that doesn’t bother me. Cal and I had a lot of fights and tough times in this house but so many good ones as well. The idea that being here makes Chris so distressed, doesn’t bode well and I wonder if he’ll find anything good about Cal.

“What did you do with his stuff?” he asks as he walks up beside me to throw away his own plate. I wish he wouldn’t stand so close to me. Actually I wish he would stand much closer, but I’m trying to ignore the fact that whenever he’s near me my body becomes alive. Every nerve ending in my body awakens and begs to be touched. I’m learning to tune them out, each day it gets a little easier. But today it’s a little harder. Especially when he’s standing so close looking down at me in the very room where he did so many things that my body remembers and misses.

Stop it Lauren!

“What did you say?” I ask. I’m so caught up in my own thoughts I can’t remember what he just asked me.

“His things, when I looked around up stairs. I didn’t go in your closet or anything but it looks like it’s just you and Caylen that live here. Do you still have his stuff?” he asks stuffing his hands into his pocket. Oh that’s what he was saying.

“It’s in storage,” I say taking a small step away from him, inches are good between Chris and I. The closer I am it seems like energy from him makes me want to do crazy things like cup his face in my hands, kiss his lips and feel all of the body that I’ve missed so much.

“Can I see them?” he asks, interrupting a train of thought that I shouldn’t be on, one that leaves me flushed and breathless.

“It could help with the homework,” he answers obviously noticing the surprise on my face.

“Of course. I don’t know why I didn’t think to ask you.” I admit with a nervous chuckle. He gives me a smile that makes me melt. Chris has a way of making me feel like everything will be okay with the simplest gesture. I grab my keys a box cutter and more tape from out of the kitchen drawer before we head out the door. He follows me out of our apartment. When we’re in the elevator and the door is closes I see him gulp and close his eyes

I hit floor fifteen and then the basement level. If it goes straight down I’m not entirely sure he won’t throw up.

“You okay?” I steal a glance while I try and cover up my smile.

“Yup,” he says tightly his hands folded together. Thankfully for Chris the ride is over fast and the door opens up to a hallway that leads to our storage area.

“This is a pretty nice basement” Chris comments as he follows me he doesn’t miss a thing. I said the same thing when I saw it. It looks more like a big loft type office space than a storage area but I guess this isn’t the ordinary apartment building.

When we get to the door of our space I let out a small breath. Last time I was here I was putting away Cal’s things. I never imagined when I came back to get them it would be like
this.

“It’d be easier if you stayed but if you don’t want to I get it,” his eyes sympathetic and his voice warm. I plaster on my practiced smile, I haven’t used it in a little while I hope it’s still effective,

“No it’s fine, and there’s a lot of stuff,” I say with a laugh opening the door. There are at least twenty boxes here.

“Wow,” he says as we step in. I fold my arms across myself.

“Over there are his clothes he wore for work and shoes, underwear.” I turn to the other wall. “Those are his more casual things, you’d probably feel more comfortable in
them,”
I say. I started referring to him and Cal as the same person when we first made it here, it’s what I’ve been wanting to do for so long but since he started acting weird I thought it might be better if I stopped.

“This is a lot of stuff,” he says resting his hands on his head and lets out an overwhelmed sigh.

“He liked to have a lot of things,” I chuckle, nodding my head.

“Can we start here?” he asks pointing to boxes of things I don’t think are his taste at all.

“Sure,” I say with a shrug. He starts pulling down boxes from the top rows. He opens the first box and it reveals Cal’s variety of button ups, upwards of two hundred dollars a shirt. I see his face frown up as he goes through an endless array of them. He opens another box revealing his blazers, and vests. Box three is full of endless ties.

“What do you think?” I ask quietly observing him as he picks through each. He looks up at me as if he forgot I was standing here. He shakes his head.

As he returns to a standing position he sighs. “None of
this
is really me,” he shrugs. He goes for a smaller box tucked inside a larger one he’s pulled out. I already know what it contains, Cal’s watches. When Chris opens the box his eyes widen. He picks up one and looks at it then over at me.

“Rolex, Cartier, There’s like twenty of these,” he says in disbelief.

“He liked watches,” I shrug with a laugh.

Chris isn’t finding this as funny.

“There’s enough money in this box to buy someone a car,” he says disdainfully.

“I suppose he only eats caviar and escargot,” he jokes and I feel a little offended.

“Uhm no,” I say folding my arms.

“It just a little a hoity toity” he laughs scratching his head and I feel my defenses rise.

“He likes nice things but he’s far from being a snob if that’s what you’re referring to”

“It’s hard to tell by looking in these boxes. I thought I’d recognize myself somewhere in all of this. So far I’m not seeing anything.”