There was an argument.
One between Cruz and me, then Chad and he started to yell at each other. We were outside of the Boat Stop. Oh my God. I can see it in my head. I can remember my anger and frustration. I can see Cruz begging me to talk to him and Chad asking me to go with him. I can recall the emotions. It had been months since I had seen him and just like that, he was there. I can see what I was wearing. It's so vivid, so clear, like crystal. Then it was just Cruz and me. Then...nothing.
Daniel touches my hand, which brings me back from my flashback.
"Harlow, are you okay? You look as though you've seen a ghost."
My head turns away from him because I don't want him to see how affected I am because of this. There's no way in hell I’m telling him right now that I woke up to Cruz holding my face and calling me baby and Turnip and saying he loves me. I’m not prepared to go into all those details with Daniel. I’m not prepared or comfortable enough to tell him how I tried to scream but no words exited my mouth because I wasn't able to speak for six weeks.
"I’m, um, I’m fine. It's just still weird to think about it all. It was confusing because when I woke up I just didn't realize what had happened to me."
"I’m so sorry, Harlow. I knew there was an accident but had no idea the extent of it. What happened to Chad?"
I sigh, thinking how the bastard got off because of his daddy's connections. I don't go into many details about it with Daniel.
"He was drunk, he was eventually arrested, but got off because his father is a very powerful attorney here and pulled some strings in Sandy Cove since that’s where the accident took place. Basically, he got off with community service." I get up from the sofa and turn to Daniel.
"I’m sorry Daniel, I just.... I can't talk about it anymore. I’m alive, I'll be okay, eventually."
I start to walk to the kitchen. I need a diversion and temporary distraction. What better way to get my mind off a flashback of my memory and the thoughts of Chad almost killing me than cleaning dishes and throwing away trash. I guess Chad and trash go hand in hand.
My body jumps a bit when I suddenly feel Daniel behind me. My hands are in the sink but beside my arms his hands rest on either side. I feel the tip of his nose run up the back of my exposed neck. I feel his front to my back and I roll my head strangely to one side, giving him a better aim at the rest of my neck. I feel his breath in my ear, so very close. All I can feel is the warm air that rushes from his lips.
"I’m very glad you are alive, Harlow. Is this okay? Me doing this?"
I nod because that's all I can do. My legs and arms and neck feel so limber, so very weak with delight.
I feel my heart accelerate and my hands shake in front of me. My breathing increases with each brush of his skin against mine. His drags his lips from the base of the back of my neck up back to my ear, repeating the motion several times until at last he whispers softly in my ear, "I’ve wanted to touch you all night. I’ve wanted to kiss you forever. I wanted my arms around you since the first time I saw you, and I haven't wanted any of those things in a very long time."
Christ. Is this man for real?
He kisses my neck finally, daring me to turn around but I can't. Soft lips caress my sensitive skin setting it on fire. A fire that spreads all over, singeing my flesh and spinning my head into oblivion. My eyes are closed tightly and I’m enjoying just feeling what he's doing at this moment. He removes my hands from the sink and places them in his hands. I roll my hips into him, not really having control over what I’m doing but it feels right.
"Say something, Harlow. I need you to say something. Tell me to keep going, or bugger off, but please say something."
There are no words. Only the hum. I feel the hum. It's taking over every decision I have in my brain, every ounce of common sense I could possibly have at this moment so Harlow "big balls" Hannum goes for it. I whip my body around and throw my arms around his neck and attack his mouth, ’cause for me, words just are not going to cut it.
Lips, tongues, and hands tangled against the kitchen sink. The scent of him makes me dizzy along with his tender but forceful kisses. I don't relinquish. I don't hold back. I give in to that passion, the want and need. It's something I need. It's something I need, damn it!
I grab onto his shirt like I’m holding on for dear life. I can feel his strong, lean muscles under his shirt. The way he carries himself physically turns me on more than I ever thought possible. It's driving me crazy. He hitches my leg up against his thigh carefully and we do the dance of bumping and grinding. One hand cups my ass, keeping me balanced, while the other is snaked up the back of my neck and he holds me there so my lips have no other choice than to be on his. Our breathing is heavy, heated. I feel so many unexplainable things. I can feel Daniel's hardness through my jeans and I can't stop moving my hips. Around and around they go. Small circles and subtle moans coming from the both of us and I want nothing more than for this man to take me here and now in this kitchen amongst the dirty dishes and the empty pizza box behind us. As his hand moves from the back of my neck toward the front of my shirt I push my chest into his. Silently I plead for him to touch me there. I need him to touch me there, but he stills his hand and pulls his gorgeous mouth away from mine. I’m stunned at first, both of us panting from our rigorous movements. I want him to touch me, there. Basically I want him to touch me everywhere, but he stills his hands. He rests his forehead onto mine as we both struggle to find what breath we have left in our lungs.
His soft breath on my face, his hands resting on my hips as he whispers my name, “Harlow. Harlow.”
I dip my head to rest on his chest and he grasps onto me like he doesn't want to let me go. With the strength of his arms, he pivots my body to the side and hoists me up onto the counter next to the sink. His hand rests right above the two open buttons on my shirt. The contact of his skin on my skin is enough to send the electricity of his touch to all the places I want it to go. His lips linger in front of mine, his eyes silently telling me he wants me and I can't help to wonder if he knows by looking into mine that yes, I want him, too. I can feel the intensity. The sexual energy that passes between the two of us is liberating, exhilarating. A mind-blowing sensation. His hand that rests on my chest travels down, skimming the front of my shirt, never wavering. It sends tingles down my spine and I don't ever want him stop touching me. In my mind and with my eyes I tell him,
Oh, please don't stop touching me.
And he speaks in his deep, mouth-watering accent, "At this moment there is nothing more I would want than to take you to my bed and make love to you, but I think we need to stop."
Make love. What words.
He cradles my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. They aren't remorseful. They are full of lust and fear so I ask, "Is this the first time you have kissed anyone since...?" He nods not looking into my eyes any longer. I use my hands to turn his face back in my direction.
"Is that why you stopped? Are you thinking of—" He stops me before I can say the name of his deceased wife.
"Oh, no, no. Oh please don't think that, Harlow. It's just that, well, truthfully, yes I haven't kissed another woman in years. Many years and this, here and now, I don't think I’ve ever felt so much so fast and I just got carried away. I’m so sorry. I didn't act very gentlemanly and I apologize."
I smile at him because he is so sincere and I need him to know that it's okay. It's okay to stop and it was definitely okay to let go.
"Daniel, nothing would have happened if we didn't allow it and you saying the things you said to me, they just... I, I wanted it as much as you did. From the first time you spoke to me I wanted this and I’m fine with taking the slow route. I get it. I understand."
I suddenly feel like a guy does when they have blue balls. You know, when you're at that point of no return but in turn what you want to happen doesn't. I have certified blue balls.
He relaxes and just wraps his arms around me, kissing my temple and lets out a big sigh.
"I think I’m beginning to feel crazy about you. Is that okay I feel like that?"
My arms circle his waist and my cheek rests again on the softness of his shirt and even though I want him so badly I ache to my core, I know I feel the same way.
"I think it's great you do because I do, too."
He rubs his cheek against my hair softly and holds me like I don't think I’ve ever been held before.
"You were so wonderful with Henry tonight. He took a fast liking to you. Thank you for that."
I snuggle into him a bit more, taking a deep breath and inhaling his addictive scent.
"He's a very special boy, Daniel, and you are doing a terrific job with him."
I can feel he's smiling against my head but now I feel like I need to go. If we start up again, I don't know if I have the will power to stop next time.
"I better be going. It's getting late."
"I don't want you to go," he whispers. "Can you stay a bit longer? Cup of tea maybe? And…talk?"
My head tells me to go, leave now, and go take care of my blue balls. But my heart, well, that's telling me something entirely different. It's telling me to stay with this boy, this man who makes me feel like I’m alive for the first time in I can't remember how long. So I decide to stay. It's what I think I’m meant to do.
CHAPTER 10
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown
Cruz~
I wake up in a cold sweat almost every morning. At first I thought I was going to bed with a fever and it was breaking by morning. I was wrong. It's just panic. A panic that at times consumes me. I wake up drenched and reaching for the pillow next to me. I reach for her. She's never there. Maybe she won't ever be again.
I’m taking the “natural” road. The one Craw tells me to take. Don't force it. Let her memories come naturally. I hate that word naturally. What's so natural about it, what's so natural about anything? I feel like a five-year-old. Stomping my feet and pouting because I don't want to, I don't want it to happen naturally. I did the research, I know about memory triggers, but I have to force myself to be respectful not only to Harlow but to Craw because he is doing such a big favor for me. Maybe I need to visit a shrink like Harlow does. Maybe I need professional help.
School is going good. I’m pretty deep into the first semester. I’m doing well. It's a lot to work and go to school but I’m doing it because I have to. If I can fight in wars when I was twenty, I sure as hell can juggle work and college.
I haven't seen her. I haven't run into her. I haven't stalked her by driving by the school when I know she leaves for the day. Why? It's a no brainer. I wouldn't be able to deal with it if I saw her with him. Yes, him. I don't even know his name but I know there’s a him. She's dating someone, at least I’m assuming she is dating him. Craw tells me shit. I don't ask either. Every time I think about it, I want to puke my guts up. It's not an exaggeration either. Just to even think about someone else's hand on her. Fuck, I can't even see straight.
I had to do it; I had to go and fall in love, didn't I? I had to let her into my heart, the cold one who only cared about fucking and coming, and drinking, and working. Fuck it all. Getting shit faced doesn't solve anything; going to fuck another girl wouldn't do anything. What's that solve? It's solves fucking nothing. It's actually pathetic. Goddamn pathetic. So I’m just supposed to sit back and watch her live her life and fall in love with someone else? Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe it
was
just a date. It's possible that I’m getting all worked up over nothing. Maybe they had dinner and they just talked. Maybe he just dropped her off and gave her a simple kiss on the cheek. End of story.
But I know better.
Christ, look at her. She's beautiful and smart, funny, and sweet. They’re the reasons I fell in love with her. She loved me. Harlow saw behind all the shit and fell in love with me, too. Sometimes I feel like I’m being punished for all the shit I did in the past. No one was punished more than Harlow, though. I wish I could be there with her for all the milestones she makes. I wish I could drive her to her physical therapy appointments, her Neurologist appointments, and even her appointments with Dr. Goldberg. She wouldn't have to use a crutch on the painful days because I would lift her and carry her wherever she needs to go. Sounds ridiculous, right? Maybe, but that's what you do for the person you love the most in the world. That's what I could be doing for her.
***
Work in North Ridge is a little more slow-paced than in Sandy Cove. There were the drunks and boyfriend/girlfriend fights to contend with there. Here in North Ridge, I write lots of tickets, check out the occasional default in someone’s home alarm system to make sure there are no intruders. I find the lost dog, escort the local politician to a function, or patrol the streets. It's okay. It's a paycheck in my opinion.
Tonight is quiet. I sit here on a side street waiting for cars speeding so I can make my quota for the week. As I sit here in the quiet of the night my thoughts always go back to that night I stopped Harlow. How I embarrassed her with my stupid sobriety test. It makes me smile. The good memories always make me smile.
A car whizzes by me, startling me from my daydream. Shit! Here we go. I turn on my lights and take after the car. It has to be going over eighty. The car is pulling over and I see it's a BMW
SUV X3, Jersey plates, and I can hear screams coming from the car. I approach the car with caution, calling for back up as I do so, my hand placed on my gun that is still in the holster. I call out to the driver, "Step out of the vehicle slowly with your hands on top of your head." The driver tries to speak over the screams of a woman. My car lights are still flashing so when he exits the car I can tell it's a man. He steps out doing exactly what I told him to do and yells, "Officer, my wife is in labor. We are on our way to the hospital. I...I don't think she'll make it there. Please help us." I tell him to turn around as the woman continues to scream and I realize it's Jeff, Harlow's brother-in-law.