"Since I started school. I called and told him I got a job in North Ridge and that I got into Ryland. I asked him if I could stay with him until the semester was over. I was going to come back and forth between Sandy Cove and my shifts in North Ridge during summer."
She laughs and shakes her head. "Oh, my brother is going to hear it from me."
"Please don't give him shit for this, Harlow. I didn't give him much of a choice."
She gives me a slight, closed-lipped smile.
"I figured as much."
She snuggles deeper into the blanket and rests her head on the back of the chair.
"So why did you do it all? School, the job, the move. Seems like so much especially when summer gets here."
She doesn't know how beautiful she is when she speaks. She doesn’t know how much I’ve missed her, and how being this close to her makes me miss her even when she's right here in front of me.
"It's worth it. Being near you is worth it all."
She shakes her head. "See, Cruz, you can't say stuff like that to me."
Those words make me forget about keeping my distance so I get up and stand in front of her. She bends her neck back to look at me.
"Why can't I? You can sit here and tell me you don't hate me, but can't tell me you love me. Knowing that there's some other guy in your life, but I’m not allowed to say that everything I have been doing is for you in the hope that you would remember us?” I look at her warmly with my eyes and try and make her comprehend what I’m saying exactly. “Harlow, do you know the research I’ve done over the past few months about your condition? I’ve even talked with specialists about it. Familiarity is why I’m doing what I’m doing and it's working." She stays where she is but turns her head away from me.
"So you tricked me? Is that how you thought I would remember things?"
I crouch down to get to her level but I still don't touch her.
"I didn't trick you, I just wanted to do it slowly. I wanted you to try and remember without it being forced on you. I thought if I moved where you were, got to see you every chance I could, you'd slowly start to come back to me. It was never meant to trick you."
She looks at me finally and our gazes lock and I know this woman more than I know myself. I know she believes me and I can see in her eyes that, yes, she does love me.
"And what about tonight? You grabbing me and kissing me wasn't some sort of a trick?"
I shake my head and smile remembering what it felt like to kiss her again.
"No, no trick. It was just that I saw you and I needed to kiss you. I apologize, but can I be honest with you?"
She chuckles. "You really can't say anything else to surprise me, so go ahead."
That's what she thinks.
"I know you don't remember how in love we were. I didn't tell you I was in love with you until it was too late, but we were. We were really in love. The times we were apart, I didn't sleep well, as it was hard to breathe without you being near. When you woke up, you just remembered me as this guy who brought girls back here all the time to sleep with. We were just friends, then I fell in love with you, and I never in a million years would I have thought it would happen. I didn't believe in love, never wanted it, but that was until I met you."
She starts to cry and that's the last thing I want. She buries her face in her hands and let's out a sob. I go to reach for her, but I stop myself. I don't want to scare her off.
"Harlow?" I say softly.
She looks up at me and brings her hand to my face and looks into my eyes as she continues to cry.
"I’m so...scared, Cruz. I’m so scared. I feel so much and I can't help it."
I put my hand on her face and mimic what she's doing to me.
"Why, honey? Talk to me."
"Because I feel things for someone else too and I...I can't hurt him and I can't hurt you."
I understand what she's saying to a certain extent. I don't have to like it. Actually, I fucking hate it and the thought of it makes me sick. This is Harlow. Her heart is so big that I couldn't expect her not to like someone else when she doesn’t remember what we had. I used to be unreasonable, but in this case I have to let what it is be. I don't have to like it, but I can't lose her, either.
I wipe away her tears and I hold my own back because sharing her shouldn't be an option. It should never be an option. I don't want her to feel the same way about this guy as she feels about me. It can't happen, but I’ve learned this past year some things you can control, and others you can't.
But I'll fight like I was taught. Determined soldiers don't let the enemy in, and whoever he is, he is the enemy.
"I didn't want any of this, Cruz. I didn't want to meet someone and have my memories of us come back. I don't know if I can deal with this. I don't know if I can handle it."
I grab her and hold her in my arms and let her cry into my chest, which she does. I stroke her head and close my eyes. I let her warmth bathe me and I hold her like I’m afraid she'll run again if I let her go which is exactly what I believe would happen.
She grips at the back of my shirt and digs her nails into my flesh, sobbing, and it hurts so much to see how conflicted she is.
She's my love, my heart, my soul, and to see her in such turmoil kills me.
Harlow pulls away from me and I wipe her tears. Black lines stream down her face and I make them go away, just like I want to do with her pain.
Her blue eyes bore into me and she searches my face and I do hers.
"Kiss me, Cruz. Please? Just kiss me."
I sink down to my knees, relinquishing my pent-up nervousness. I cup her face and do what she asks. My lips meet hers tenderly. I taste her lips at first, just feeling the smoothness of them on mine and I’m suddenly in a place where I’ve wanted to be for so long. These lips, the soft sounds she makes as I kiss her, this spot on the dock, I’m in nothing but heaven and if this is all she wants from me, then so be it. I'll take anything she's willing to give to me.
Her tongue darts out and begs for my lips to let her in and I don't hesitate. Licking inside her mouth and feeling so much emotion in this kiss is the thing I crave. The thing I need behind all the pain we both have been through. There's so much to this kiss and it's not only me this time. She shares this. She kisses me back with the incredible fire that this girl possesses. She pulls away and buries her head in my neck and I hold on to her for dear life.
"Cruz, can we go upstairs now? Can you just...hold me for tonight? Please?"
I look at her with so much love and devotion. Her eyes tell me she is battling so much confusion.
"I'll do whatever you want me to do, Harlow. I just want to be wherever you want me to be." I pick her up and carry her as she rests her head on my shoulder. I carry my girl to her bed. I lay her down carefully, watching her beautiful hair spread out across her pillow, and I kick off my shoes and climb into the bed next to her. I slide underneath the blankets and feel her warm body so close to mine.
I silently thank the gods for this moment. She turns to her side facing me and there are no words. Only eyes. Blue looking into blue. There's such a deep connection without actual words having to be spoken.
"When I saw you that night so long ago in that bar, I could tell you were something special. All I had to do was touch you again to realize how true that was. It's the same with what's going on inside your head. That's what I think. I didn't get to touch you again until long after that night. All I had to do was feel you and look at your eyes. I knew then I loved you and I’m sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
Yep, the big solider boy has a tear coming out the corner of his eye. The big, tough man who fought in the war is crying. Pussy, maybe. A man that finally has love and hope in his heart? You're damn right.
She sweeps the tear from my eye, smiles at me, and closes her eyes. She doesn't respond, but that's okay. She just takes my arm and places it around her and she snuggles in. I can feel her heart against my chest and I’m sure she can feel mine because it beats so fast. It only beats for her. So I'll stay the night with her until the sun comes up and whatever follows when the new day begins, I'll take it. For now, I'll just bask in this moment and feel blessed that I have her in my arms.
CHAPTER 16
Torn
Harlow~
I slept like a rock last night. Deeper than I have in a very long time. I’m sweating and I feel a weight across my body as I lay here on my side. I look down to see the tattooed arm of the man who lies with me and it feels so right, yet something in my belly says it's wrong…or right. My mind just can't seem to win this battle.
My phone buzzes beside me on the bedside table and I reach for it, careful not to wake up Cruz.
Daniel.
I ease my way from under his arm, snake my way out of the bed, and out the door to the hall bathroom.
I close the door and answer.
"Hi," I whisper.
"Hey there, beautiful. How was your night?"
I smile, but then my heart sinks thinking about what I admitted to Cruz and how my stomach did flip-flops in a good way when I saw that it was Daniel calling.
"Um, it was fun."
His voice tells me he knows there's something not right, "You okay, darling? You don't sound like yourself."
"I’m, I’m fine. Just tired is all."
"Okay."
"I think I’m going to come home tonight. It looks like it's going to rain so no use in staying."
"Oh, wow. Okay. Would you like to come over and have supper with us? We can show you pictures of Henry in his costume from last night. Oh, and Ally will be here and she wants to meet you."
The thought of seeing Daniel today causes all kinds of emotions and feelings to stir inside. I want to see him. I really do.
I rest my hands on the sink and look at myself in the mirror. I feel so awful. Here I was in bed with another man and now Daniel is asking me to see him, and I want to. Nausea comes full speed and hits me, but I choke it down.
"Yes, I'd love that. I can't wait to meet Ally and see the pictures. I should be home around six. I gotta run but I'll see you soon."
Daniel goes to say something, but he pauses. Only unrecognizable sounds come out for a brief minute until he tells me, "Harlow, I...I miss you."
I swallow and look at the person in the mirror and wonder who I’ve become as the words come out of my mouth, "I miss you too, Daniel. ’Bye." I press end on the phone.
The words are true, but they still make me sick. What Cruz and I shared last night, the things we said to each other, I can't forget all that. Daniel and I haven't put a label on what we are, but we know we want to be together. But last night down at the dock, well damn it, I wanted to be with Cruz. As much as Daniel was in my thoughts I knew at that moment I needed to be with Cruz.
I hear a knock at the door.
"Yeah?"
"Turnip? You okay in there?"
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. My heart swells as I hear him call me his pet name. Still keeping them closed tightly I answer, "Yes, I’m fine. I’m just brushing my teeth." I quickly brush and look up at myself again.
This person staring me in the mirror is not who I want to be, but love and the universe have given me no choice. I think I may possibly be falling in love with the man who just called me, and I’m pretty sure I love the man who is on the other side of this door. So I guess, like it or not, this is who I am.
I walk out of the bathroom and his gorgeous face lights up when he sees me, his blue eyes sparkling and warming my heart.
"Good morning," he smiles and says.
"Mornin." I smile at him and make my way back into my room and flop on the bed. The house is quiet. Everyone must still be sleeping. I haven't even looked to see what time it is.
Cruz follows me into the room and I cover my eyes with my forearm and close them. I have lots to figure out. The room is quiet, which right now I like.
"Do you want to talk?" Cruz asks.
"What about?" My answer comes out a little cold.
I feel the bed dip next to me and he pulls my arm off my eyes. He knows what I was trying to do. Avoid eye contact. I still don't look at him, only up at the ceiling.
"Are we going to play this game where you pretend I’m not in the room and we just go around like business as usual?" He sounds a bit standoffish and I know he doesn't deserve being spoken to in such a cold way.
I turn and look at him. I tuck my hand under my cheek and face him.
He lies down and does the same so we are practically nose to nose.
"I’m not playing any games, Cruz. You just need to understand I have a lot going on in my head right now." He places his hand on my head and rubs it gently. I close my eyes softly and sink into the feeling of his touch. So natural, so full of love. Familiar.
"I’m going to do my best to be patient and understanding and I was thinking a lot when you fell asleep last night."
I blink at him. "You didn't fall asleep when I did?"
Still stroking my hair, he whispers, "I was afraid if I closed my eyes, when I opened them you wouldn't be here."
These are the sort of words I never expected to hear from Raphael Cruz, but the more my broken brain allows the missing pieces to fit together, the more I know, and the more I realize that this man is capable of anything.
"Cruz...listen—" He interrupts me.
"Wait, let me finish. When I was thinking, I think the best thing is to give you your space. I know I have to let you figure things out in your head and I don't want to push you away. I’m here—always have been—and I’m not going anywhere but here." He moves his hand and places it onto my chest and he closes his eyes when he finds my heartbeat.
"Thank you." That's all I can say for now. No other words can come out until I wrap my head around all of this. He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes breathing in his scent. The sounds of thunder rolls in and I drift back to sleep, feeling so warm wrapped in his arms. Safe. Cherished.
***
Cruz wasn't going back to Princeton. He was going to visit his brother, sister-in-law and nephew till tomorrow. I haven't talked to Bella in a long time. I needed to put some distance there because of everything that had happened, but I told him to give them my love. When we said goodbye, it wasn't one of those long, exaggerated ones with tears and hugs and passionate kisses. When we left each other it was a simple kiss, nothing outrageous, and we just told each other we'd talk soon. Leaving him wasn't easy. I felt the loss as soon as he pulled away in his car. That was something I hadn't felt for him before. Or had I?