He walks out my door and I just stand here. Cursed by something I could not control.
I grab where my heart lies in my chest and fall back against the wall. I can feel it tearing. The actual rip, the separating of two pieces of my heart. It’s just torn.
CHAPTER 17
What's so impressive about an accent anyway? I have muscles...and tattoos
Cruz~
I throw myself into work. I throw myself into school. I worked Thanksgiving in North Ridge and the weekend in Sandy Cove. When I was there I couldn't allow myself to go out onto the dock. I can't go there without her. I haven't heard from her, I haven't asked Craw about her, either. He's never around anymore. He met some chick. All I know is her name is Ally and that's all he tells me. I don't want to ask either, because he seems happy and I’m anything but at this time.
Keeping my distance from her has been so hard. Of course the Hannums invited me to partake in their Thanksgiving tradition of feeding the homeless then dinner at their house and I didn't want to be rude, so when time and a half became available, I took it. That was my out. This Sunday we will stand side by side as Greta's baby is christened. Me, a godfather. Can you even imagine? A year and a half ago, nope, no way, no how. Today, it's a different story. I'll stop by Greta's during my shift if I can. Even if it's only for a few minutes, I get to see baby Avery. I love Matteo and he's my flesh and blood, but with this little girl, there's something special about her. Maybe because I helped bring her into the world, or maybe because she is a part of Harlow.
I’m done school till the end of January. I did pretty damn good for my first semester, but I’m glad for the nice, long break.
Surprisingly, I’m on foot patrol tonight. It's the start of the Christmas season so in the town of North Ridge with its overly priced shops and hoity-toity restaurants, you never know what you'll see, or what will breeze into town. Sometimes we get riffraff from a few towns over whom I’ve heard try and take on the personas of the people who live in North Ridge's upscale neighborhoods and shoplift. I patrol Main Street that today involves the usual: writing tickets for illegally parked cars, walking around the shops looking for anyone causing trouble.
A car parked in a handicapped spot. What a fucking genius.
I take out my pad and pen and start writing this douche a ticket.
"Officer, no, please. I’m so sorry. I was just running into this store really quickly to pick something up I had ordered for my girl for the Christmas holiday. I was only a minute."
I am in no mood to hear his fucking bullshit. I keep writing the ticket, not even looking at him.
"I don't care if you were in there selling the FDA a new drug to cure erectile dysfunction, you parked in a handicapped parking spot and I am issuing you a ticket. I hand it to him and tip my hat. He takes it and doesn't say another word. It's my lunch hour so I go to my car and pull away from the shopping area. I drive around the corner and see the same guy I just wrote a ticket to, blow a stop sign and start speeding out of the limits of North Ridge. This asshole just pissed off the most miserable person in the world right now. I follow him toward Princeton, but don't turn on my lights until we hit the city limit. I flash them on and this motherfucker keeps going right to...Grayson-Elders?
He stops in the lot and I keep my lights on. I get out of the car and so does he. I walk over to him.
"You must be pretty dumb. I just had to chase you down with my lights on for eight blocks. Give me your license and registration now before I arrest you right here." He looks at me, terrified.
Fucking pussy. Just do it already.
"Did you hear me or are you deaf? I said license and registration, now!" His eyes go wide and he goes right to his car and rummages through his glove compartment and pulls them out. He hands them over and I go and call it in. It's all clear and he has nothing prior. I feel like busting balls today.
Poor bastard.
"You are clear but let me tell you what a dumb motherfucker you are. You park in an illegal spot, blow a stop sign, and did not comply when I chased you. I should be hauling your ass into the station right now. Why would you even pull into this place anyway?" The question was probably unnecessary, but just beyond those walls is Harlow. Being here makes me angry and I’m taking it out on this guy. I’m speaking to him a little louder than I should.
He smiles and holds up his hands. "Officer, I told you I was sorry. Let's try and not make a big deal out of this. I needed to get back here before I was late for my next class. I work here."
"You work here?" I point to the school. "At this school? And you think it's okay to drive like a maniac and disobey every traffic law there is? Is that what you're telling me?" I’m in his face and he backs up.
Fuck this guy.
The doors to the front of the school open and there she is coming down the steps.
Her hair blowing in the cool air and doing her best to carefully walk down the cement steps right toward us.
"Daniel? Cruz…what the hell?"
She goes right to him.
To him?
"What is going on here? Daniel, are you okay? Does someone want to explain to me what's going on here?" She crosses her arms in front of her and has daggers in her eyes for me. I see Willow come out of the building and run toward us.
The guy speaks to her. "Do you know this officer, sweetheart?"
He did not just call my girl sweetheart.
"Sweetheart? Harlow, who the fuck is this guy?" She looks to Willow who is out of breath from running and she comes to stand in front of me.
"Cruz, just get back in your car and drive away. This is not the place or the time."
I look at Willow like she's nuts.
"No, Willow, you tell me why he called her sweetheart." Harlow looks panicked and the guy goes and puts his hands on Harlow's shoulders, and I hate it. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen her and I hate seeing someone else’s hands on her body.
"I got into a bit of trouble with the officer, but it's all worked out, darling. I’m fine. I just got a ticket and then I raced back here because I was out getting you a present."
My ears must be playing tricks on me. He told me when I was issuing him his ticket that he was getting his girlfriend a present.
Willow can see my face, so can Harlow, but this dude doesn't have a clue. I get it now. It's all clear. This is the other guy. The one who is coming between me and Harlow being together. His face changes suddenly and he turns to me. "You called her Harlow. Do you know my girlfriend?"
I flex my hands and take a step forward. Willow puts her hands on my chest and pushes me back slightly looking directly in my eyes. I feel my blood pulsate in my ears like a drum beat in my head.
"Cruz, please, don't do this here. Talk to Har later. Think about it."
I don't think about it because this guy who stands here is the reason the woman who stands next to him is not mine. Willow can talk all she wants and she can tell me to walk away all she wants but this is Harlow. My Harlow.
I step around Willow and stand in front of Harlow, but I address him.
"Your girlfriend? This is your girlfriend?" He nods and Harlow's face is unreadable.
My eyes never leave her face and I see her shake. Maybe from the cold, maybe because she's scared. I don't know.
"You going to tell him, Turnip, or should I tell him how I know you?"
She looks at me but talks to whoever he is.
"Daniel, this is Raphael Cruz. We used to date."
That's all she says and the recognition on his face is not there. She didn't tell him. It's written on her face and on his.
He turns and looks at her.
"Harlow, you told me your ex's name was Chad. He's the one who crashed the boat."
I laugh. "Oh, I’m certainly not Chad. I’m the one after Chad, the one who sat by her bedside when she laid in a coma for six weeks, and the one she didn't remember when she woke up." He looks at her, obviously shocked by what I just said.
I raise my hands in the air, looking up to the sky then hitting my forehead with my hand.
"Oh, jeez. That's right. You're the new guy, right?" He shrugs at me.
"Um, yes. I am. I’m Daniel." He sticks out his hand to shake mine, but I don't budge.
I nod my head at him. "Right, yes, I know. I saw your driver’s license. Well, Daniel, looks like you and Harlow have some talking to do so I'll be on my way. I have some serious paperwork to fill out back at the station." I tip my hat to them and turn around to my car. Actions speak louder than words. I could have made a huge scene. I could've told that guy everything, but I didn't. Fucking pussy. But why should I? I haven't heard from her in weeks. She was just so busy trying to figure out what she wanted, huh.
When I get in the car, all I can do is look at her. Her sapphire eyes gleaming with tears and I know now that she’s having a hard time deciding. I know she’s a person who cares so much for others and I know she’s confused and if I could, I’d take that confusion away for her. It’s not her fault. I don’t have to convince myself of that. She never asked for any of this, but fuck me it hurt like hell.
***
I haven't really drunk in a while. I mean the hard stuff. Sure Craw and I have had the occasional beer sitting around doing homework or playing video games. But the hard, throat-burning, mind-numbing stuff, I have tried to stay away from since September.
Except tonight.
I came here right from my shift. Took a shower at the station and my ass has been parked here since five. This bar smells like old man and cheese. Not a welcomed combination. There's some sort of game on the TV above the bar and a bowl of nuts and pretzels sit in front of me. I don't even dare go there. I feel someone sit next to me.
"Can I get a beer, please? Draft, in a clean glass if you don't mind."
Willow.
I turn my head slightly to look at her, and then back to the game. She receives her beer then she starts to talk.
"He's twenty-eight. Is a widower, has a four-year-old son. The wife died in a car wreck with the kid in the car about two and half years ago. Moved here from England a little over a year ago to start a new life. Where he lived reminded him of his wife too much. Har met him on the first day. We all got to know each other because we all teach on the same floor. He doesn't know about the baby, he doesn't know she can't have children, he doesn't know about you because at first there was nothing to tell. She didn't remember you together, she didn’t recall loving you so she didn't see the point in telling him."
I turn to her and just stare, dumbfounded.
She continues her rant.
"Before you get your panties in a wad, she had every intention on telling him everything, she just hasn't gotten the chance. Thanksgiving came and midterms, and a shitload of other stuff. You need to understand how confused she is, Cruz."
"I get it, Willow, I do. I just can't do it anymore. I thought I could fight for her, but you can’t make someone love you enough to walk away from someone else. I’ve done everything to try and make her see she belongs with me. Everything. I’m powerless now. Not that I ever
was
powerful when it came to her. I think I’ve lost this battle. And he's fucking British. How can I compete with an accent?"
She chuckles and sips on her beer, turning to look up at the TV.
"You have a point there. Accents are fucking hot, but let's not go there right now. Let's concentrate on what a pussy you are being. I mean that with all sincerity, Cruz, I really do."
"Fuck you, Willow."
"Um, no thanks. I’m not into muscles and tattoos. Anyway. Back to you being a fucking pussy. So you fall in love with this girl, you think she's too good for you, and then you broke it off, poorly I might add. Then she almost dies. Great. Just your luck, right? But then you do everything for her when she was in that coma. She wakes up, boom! It wasn't the happily ever after you hoped for, but you fought for her, then backed off, then she remembers you and what you had. Now that there's some competition you're just going to wimp out? Or I like pussy out so much better."
She looks so proud of herself. I don't think I’ve heard a girl use the word pussy so much, either.
"Dear God, woman, for being brought up the way you have, you sure have the mouth of a truck driver."
Willow puts her hand over her heart and bats her eyelashes at me.
"Aw, thank you."
"It's not a question of me being a pussy, Willow. This is something I can fight, but I don't know how to win because the outcome is not about me. I’m not the one who decides it. Harlow is." I turn back on my stool and nod for the bartender to give me another double whiskey.
I sip on the drink, swirling it around in my glass before placing it back down on the bar.
"Your love for her scares her, you know."
I chuckle at that remark.
"Yeah, well, me loving her scares the shit out of me. I didn't want it, didn't ask for it, and this is the reason why. Love gets you nowhere. For some people at least."
She smacks my arm and pretty hard, too.
"You're an idiot. Love gets you so much. It's not worthless, it gives you nobility, it gives you hope. You sat there by her bedside for all those weeks and you proved that. Love changed you and you know it, so don't go saying it gets you nowhere. When I first met you, you were just this big jerk who only thought about yourself. The sacrifices you made for her shows how love gets you
somewhere
. She got you to that somewhere.”
I am fully aware of this, but it really doesn’t make a difference when the woman I love has feelings for someone else.
“But I do have a confession to make.”
I nod for her to continue.
“I pushed her to try and pursue the relationship with Daniel. The only reason I did was because I’ve seen so much sadness where Harlow is concerned. She didn’t remember you, but at the same time I wanted you to try and get her back. I just wanted to see her happy and feel love in her life again.” She looks at me sadly.
Willow’s not a bad person and she was just doing her best to make Harlow happy.