There's no way in hell I'll go back to Sandy Cove to get a job on their force. I don't think I'll ever see Sandy Cove again. Too many memories. Too much pain.
I work twelve-hour days at the job site. I help with Matteo. I’ve given Tony and Bella breaks by watching him so they could go out on a few dates. Hell, I even watched the little bugger over night once when it was their anniversary. They wanted to go to some pish-posh hotel to go fuck like rabbits all night there instead of having to be quiet in the house knowing I’m in the next room.
I like getting my hands dirty. I like seeing it under my fingernails at the end of the day. I also like seeing the progress of the homes at the end of the day. It makes me feel good.
But the good only lasts for so long. When I first started working, I'd come home and think of her. What was she doing? How was her job, how was she feeling? Was she happy? Can he make her as happy as I thought I could? It's not inconceivable for me to want her to be miserable sometimes though, is it? I mean, yes, I want her happy but is there a part in her that wishes things were different? When I think about that last night in Sandy Cove, I know that it is the impossible. Harlow made her choice. The choice
I
have to live with, that Bella says I will, in the future, get over. But do you really, truly get over something like that? Being in love for the first time then losing it? One would think it would stay with you. Even when I’m an old man and if I ever did meet someone else, would I be swinging on a porch swing with some other gray-haired woman that wasn't Harlow and wonder about her? Would I think about how my life would have been different had she accepted what I had to offer her? Denying the instant family and giving into our love?
Giving in.
Such a weird phrase. What does it mean anyway? I used to say I gave in to love when I didn't want to. She allowed me to give in to the possibilities of receiving love. The common knowledge of love, all that it's cracked up to be, and that I can love. She showed me that, so if I meet someone someday, I'll know it’s a possibility. I'll have Harlow to thank for that.
***
I have my Morty in someone else, fucking her until her eyes roll back in her head. Just some random chick from a strip club that a few of the single guys from the job site and I go to frequently. The first time I tried to get together with someone, my hard-on, yeah, it fizzled. Morty let me down. All I thought about was Harlow. So instead of fucking the girl, I just went down on her and she sucked me off. I told the girl it was because I had whiskey dick. I didn't, I just lied. I didn't even come. She did ’cause I’m an expert at the licking, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same smell or the same taste as Harlow. No one will ever compare to her.
The second and third times were a bit easier. At first I still saw her face, but with all my might, I pushed her to the back of my mind. I got through it.
The fifth and sixth times, even the seventh were awesome. Hot chicks, strippers mostly. Even a barfly or two.
Yep, the old Cruz is back. Get in and get the fuck out. Back to the old motto, too.
I’ve missed him. I’m so glad he's back.
Some of these girls are so easy to get. All I have to do is flex my muscles, look at them a certain way, and boom, they're back at my place with their legs wrapped around my head.
The strippers are the easiest. There's nothing like watching a gorgeous girl with hardly anything on swinging from a brass pole. I am an all-American, sexually potent, twenty-five-year-old man. I should be enjoying strip clubs and sneaking in random sluts into Tony and Bella's house. And the glitter on my sheets, ha, ha...oh my God. It's everywhere. I wash them myself before Bella even has a chance to get to them.
I’m living the life. I’m making more money than I ever did as a police officer, I’ve met some new friends, I’m getting laid frequently and drinking a lot, so all is good.
The old Cruz is back, people. Time to get real. Moving on.
***
I feel a sharp pain on the top of my head and yelling and given I’m still feeling the effects from last night’s alcohol, the pain is two-fold.
I scurry up into my bed and I’m out of sorts, not opening my eyes all the way.
"Get up now, Raph, and get this whore out of my house! Do you hear me?"
Bella continues to beat me over the head with one of Matteo's plush toys and then starts to hit the chick lying next to me. Fuck, must have fallen asleep and not gotten her out in time. I usually kick them out as soon as I’m done.
The girl gathers her clothes and sticks them back on in a hurry as Bella keeps screaming. I sit up with my head against the backboard of the bed in the spare room. I use my hands as a shield against her blows and the girl runs out of the house.
"Bella, what the fuck? Stop hitting me with that monkey and calm down."
"You bring some stripper home to
my
house, in one of
my
beds, under
my
roof with you're nephew one room away and you want
me
to calm down? Are you insane!"
She stops and glares at me, monkey in one hand, and her fist balled up to punch me with the other.
"You think I don't know what you're up to? I’ve seen the glitter, Raph. It's everywhere. I’ve heard the giggle and moans at night. Don't think for one minute I’m dumb and naive or that your brother is. We see, we hear, we know what's going on."
I find my underwear under the covers and stick them on along with a T-shirt from the floor.
"Bella, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to disrespect you and Tony. I’m just having fun."
Her stare is worse than her words. Her silence, worse than anything. She turns and heads for the door.
"You gather yourself together and come into the living room. You have five minutes or you're out of my house. You got me?"
I nod and run my hands through my hair. I’m still a little drunk. Fuck, what the hell did I do last night?
I go into the bathroom, brush my teeth, take a piss, and splash some cold water on my face before making my way out into the living room. I walk down the hall, rubbing my sore and tired eyes. I look up.
Holy shit.
“What the hell is going on here?"
Max, Porter, Craw, Bella, and Tony are in the living room. Sitting there. Waiting for me.
Porter stands up. "Take a seat, my long-lost friend. We have some talking to do."
Why are they here? How'd they find me? Bella told them I wasn't here. She swore to them right in front of me. She betrayed me. I know she did.
"Thanks a lot, Bella. You told them I was here."
Tony stands up. "She didn't, I did. I called them. I told them to come here. You are on a path to destruction, brother. I don’t like it, and I don't want to see it. I thought they could help talk sense into you."
I lean on the doorway to the living room, crossing my arms and legs in front of me.
"It's none of your business, Tony. I told Bella I was sorry for bringing that girl into the house. It won't happen again."
He comes up to me, nose to nose. "It's more than that. She wasn't the first. We know that. You think we're dumbasses? It's been going on for a while now. You can't bring girls home and not think we don't know what you're up to."
I turn my face away from Tony. "Yeah, well I said I was sorry. You want me out? I'll go. I don't need to be here." I start to walk away but Porter, who is still standing, grabs my arm.
"Not so fast there, muscles. Take a seat and let's talk about this."
I look directly at Tony. “I don’t know why you told them where I was. I’ve been trying to move on like everyone suggested. What don’t you understand about that?”
Porter makes a noise from the back of his throat and chuckles. "So moving on means forgetting about us. Just walking away without saying goodbye. What the hell were you thinking?"
Craw speaks from the sofa. "He's good at walking away."
I raise my chin to him and spit out, "Hey, fuck you, Craw. It's your sister’s fault, anyway. I blame her. She made her choice. I left. End of story."
He rushes to his feet to pounce on me, and even though Max tries to hold him back he's in my face anyway. Skinny prick.
"You blame her? Well, fuck you. I blame you! If she didn't meet you she would have never gotten on that boat, she wouldn't have been in that stupid coma, she wouldn't have met Daniel and she wouldn't be moving across the Atlantic, leaving her family and friends. So I fucking blame you, you self-righteous, egotistical asshole."
Just as I think I’m going to punch him, I stop and take in everything he just said. Especially that last part.
"Wh...what do you mean across the Atlantic? Where's she going?" Panic sets in and I start to sweat.
Craw steps away, shrugging Max's arm off him. He sits down and Max stands in front of me.
"Daniel asked her to move to England with him. She got a teaching job over there. She leaves in a few weeks. I’m sorry, man." He grasps my shoulder and I let him for a moment, and then pull away.
"Hey, she made her choice a long time ago. I hope she's happy. She got what she always wanted. She'll have her family."
Craw shakes his head and rocks back and forth with his elbows on his knees.
"You just don't get it, man. She's not happy. When she sat down with my family to tell us she was moving, it wasn't a jumping up and down being excited sort of thing. She was very blasé about it. Daniel was there with her and she said they were going to give it a shot."
I go to the window and look out into the front yard. Matteo's toys are scattered around as usual and I think about how Harlow is going to have that once she moves with that guy and his kid. And it hurts. I don't want to admit it to any of them, so I'll keep acting like the old/new Cruz. I turn back to Craw.
"Why are you telling me this anyway? She's moving on with her life. Good for her, good for them. She'll get happy. This is what she chose, what
she
wants. I’m here living my own life, moving on. What's the point? You think I'll move on faster if I knew she was going? Really, Craw?"
I walk out of the living room and go to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I chug it down and hope by the time I’m done they would all get the hint and leave me alone.
Not happening.
They all follow me into the fucking kitchen.
Craw comes beside me and turns me around with force and grabs a fistful of my shirt.
"You were like a brother to me. She loved you. She was so different around you. I only knew my sister to be unhappy with that motherfucker Chad Knox. When she met you and you guys got together, I got back the sister I always knew was there. That girl had a smile on her face every time I saw her. Her face would light up like a fucking Christmas tree when anyone said your name or you walked into a room. I see her every day since you left and you think she does that when she's with him? Fuck, no. The bright light in her eyes, gone, her beaming smile, gone. She's just as she was before she met you. Doesn't that tell you something?"
"Get off me, Craw. It tells me nothing. I don't care. It was
her
choice when she chose him. I only left after she chose him." He releases my shirt, but there's still anger in his eyes and I feel sadness. Fuck, I didn't want to feel sad.
I go and sit at the kitchen table and the rest of them join me. Max takes the seat beside me. "Tony called us a week ago. He told us what you were up to. Going out, drinking, bringing home girls, not caring about yourself. Just working and going to strip clubs."
I look at Tony, surprised, but I don't say anything.
He shrugs at me. "What can I tell you? I’m the foreman on the job. I hear everything and I see everything, and everything I’ve been seeing isn't the real you. It was the old you, but you're the new you."
I look up at him. "I’m the same person I’ve always been. Just because of some chick trying to change me, you think that inside here I’m not the same, the old fuck up I always was?"
"Deny it all you want. Deny meeting Harlow didn't change you. Deny loving her didn't change you, ’cause if you do, you're just a big fucking liar. I saw it first hand. I saw how it changed you," Porter says to me, annoyed.
"I saw it too and I’ve known you longer than anyone. It only takes that one someone to change you. I’ve told you before, man; truth is love. And telling us you don't care, well we all know that's not the truth."
I’ve had enough of this. I can't deal with it. Just as I’m finally getting her out of my system, they have to go and lay a guilt trip on me, and for what?
"My sister is not happy. She's not Harlow. She's just existing like she did when she was in that coma. She's going through the motions. She thinks she is better off moving away and starting a new life with him. Believe me, he's a good guy, he'd do anything for her, but Harlow’s not truly happy. And I’m kind of dating his sister and he approves of me. So….”
I look at him. "The chick, Ally, is his sister? You never told me that."
"Why would I? It would have made you feel worse and complicated things. Ally’s not going with them. She's staying here going to college. But even she sees it. I know she does. She constantly asks me if Harlow is okay and I have to lie to her and tell her, yes, she's fine."
Bella comes up to me and places her hands on my cheeks. "Raph, I love you, but I don't like the person you've become. The person you changed into, it was just as much you as it was Harlow. I give her most of the credit, but you allowed her in. You allowed her to show you what love was. You grew up and opened yourself up to all the possibilities that love had to offer you.
You
did that. You let yourself. You finally let go and took the leap. She helped you along but the final decision was yours." She kisses my forehead and I put my head down.
Everyone’s words sink in like a sponge. My whole life I’ve wanted love, and then finally received it in the best way possible. I made mistakes, big ones, and I think she's making a big one, too. I was getting used to the idea of her being happy. I was content with it, but if I know she’s not happy, I can’t deal with that.
I look up and scan the room. I look at the faces of people who know me better than I know myself. Not only have I gotten to know what love feels like from a woman, but also as I look around this room, I realize I know what it feels like to be loved by friends. They know I love Harlow and they know I walked away from her
for
her. That's all. I had to. Sacrifices in order for her to be happy had to be made.