I wait till she retrieves the hidden key to the house and goes inside. I get out of the car and if she wants to be a brat and face this head on, then so be it. Two can play at this game. I go to Porter's parents and retrieve their hidden key. I step inside the very cold house and go to the heat. I turn it up and wait till it kicks on. I find a blanket and wrap myself up in it and ice the spot on my jaw where she punched me. It's so quiet. What the hell is she doing over there?
I’ve waited an hour. I looked through about ten magazines and drank one left over beer in the fridge. I have heard nothing from next door and I can't stand it. I go to the window of the kitchen and look out at the dock.
There she stands wrapped in a thick, plaid blanket. She put it around her head but I can still tell it's her. Of course I can. She's my baby.
I grab the blanket on the sofa next to me and make my way out to the dock where she is.
I reach her and stand at her side. She knows I’m here. We stand in silence for a while.
"Can I ask you a question?" She nods as she looks out onto the chilly waters of the bay.
"Why were you crying in church today when you saw me holding Avery?"
"’Cause I know that will never be me. It may be you. You may be in that position, but I'll never be."
"What do you mean I might be?"
Harlow turns my way with her tear-soaked face. Dusk’s pink skies reflect in her blue orbs. She is truly beautiful.
"Today in church while you were holding Avery, I looked at you in a way I never have before. I saw pure joy on your face. I didn't see the guy who used to take a different girl home here every night in the summer. I didn't see the guy who made a mockery of the way I used big words as a way to make myself feel better. I didn't see the tough cop who was so used to getting his own way." She turns back to the water, wrapping the blanket more securely around herself.
"I saw a man who knows what he wants. I saw it all over your face. You want a family. You want a family like yours. You want what they had. I remember you telling me about your parents. I don't remember meeting them, but I do remember you talking about how wonderful they are."
There are moments in life when the lies have to end and the truth comes out. Sometimes in an unexpected way. This is one of those times.
"I lied."
Harlow looks my way.
"What do you mean you lied?"
"I was raised by a crack-head mother. Well, she really didn't raise me. I raised myself. Antonio and me. We raised ourselves. Her name is Rae. I haven't seen or heard from her since Matteo was born. She showed up at the hospital the day he was born. We still don't know how she found out Bella was in labor. She caused a scene and we had her thrown out. This all happened after you left. That's why you never knew about her. Our father left when I was little. I don't remember him. He just up and walked out and never came back. I lived in filth. I wasn't raised in a good neighborhood. I was raised in a place where whores roamed the streets—my mother being one of them. There was a crack house at the end of my block. I didn't have Christmases or birthday parties. Our mother didn't cook meals. We fended for ourselves. We fought off my mom's child molesting boyfriends. When we got older, Bella's parents took care of us. They fed us, made sure we had clean clothes. I went into the Marines the day I turned eighteen. Tony lived with Bella's family."
Silence comes in many shapes and sizes. Bordering on uncomfortable is not knowing what the other person is thinking.
"Harlow, say something."
"Why? Why lie to me?"
"Because I was scared and embarrassed. You came from this great family full of genuine love and affection, and I came from the complete opposite. My family never came up until I started to have feelings for you. I asked Porter and Max to keep it a secret. I was ashamed and thought if you knew where I came from, you'd think I'd end up just like them, and I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk you turning away from me after I fell in love with you. I didn’t get the chance to tell you the truth so I lied.”
She starts to walk up the dock, back to the house, and my answer is given to me. She would have walked away.
I follow her up the steps and onto the back deck leading to Willow's parents’ house.
"Har, wait." I follow her into the house even after she tries to slam the door in my face. She throws off the blanket and paces the floor.
"You lied to me. All this time, you lied. You lied about your parents being away when Bella had the baby. And you, you stand there and just assume I would've left you if I knew the truth. You didn't really know me then, did you, Cruz? You thought you did. I would have fallen in love with you if you came back from Iraq missing all your limbs. I would have loved you if you were blind, deaf, or dumb. It wouldn't have mattered to me how you were brought up. What would have mattered was the kind of person you had become."
She stops pacing and looks at me. Her eyes are a mixture of anger and disbelief.
"You give
me
no credit for the kind of person I am, Cruz. You knew I wasn't the type who cared about money or status. You had my friends lie to me. You could have told me anything. Christ, I told you about the abortion that almost ended my life. I trusted you and you lied. You're a fucking liar. I never lied to you and you didn't have to lie to me."
I take a step toward her and try and put my hand on her shoulder but she steps back putting a lot of distance between us. She puts her hand up as I try again.
"Don't. Just...just go. Leave. I'll call someone to come pick me up tomorrow." She spins on her heels and pulls at her hair and cries out, "Fuck! I left my purse in church."
She goes to the house phone, picks it up and dials.
"Harlow, wait. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I lied to you."
She starts to talk to Craw on the phone.
"Hey, it's me. Yes, I’m fine. He's...yes, he's here. No...Craw can you just listen to me, please? Stop asking questions. Just...come and get me in the morning. I’m in Sandy Cove. Craw, I asked you not to ask me any questions, just please do it." She turns her back away from me and I just want to reach out and hold her, but I know better.
“No, Craw. Don't tell him. I'll talk to him when I get home. Just be here early. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to." She hangs up and goes to the door and opens it. She steps aside and keeps her focus on the floor below her.
"Get out."
I tell her no.
"I said, get out."
"No, I have more to say."
"Well I don't want to hear anything you have to say."
"Tough shit, Harlow."
I step toward the door and slam it shut. Her face is close to mine and she keeps stepping away the closer I get.
"I’m going to answer your question from earlier. Do I want a family? Yeah, sure. Why not? Never wanted one before, but then I met you and the thought of it crossed my mind, especially when you were in that coma. I swore if you woke up I'd carry you off and marry you and never let you out of my fucking sight again. I'd go to China, or Africa, or anywhere in the world to adopt a baby if that's what you wanted. And if all you wanted was us—for the rest of your life—I was fine with that because you were all I needed to survive. We could have been
the
family. You and I."
"You never told me any of that." Her voice is meek and mild, not angry like a few moments ago.
"You never gave me the chance, Harlow. My God, I'd do anything for you. Why don't you believe me?"
She moves away from me and sits on the sofa, bringing her knees up to her chest, hugging them tight.
"I would have believed you, but now that I know you’re a liar, I’m not so sure. Besides, no one in their right mind would ever give me a baby with my medical history."
"You don't know that."
"As a matter of fact I do. I’ve done the research. They don't give babies away to anyone. Especially ones who have had brain damage. My legs can't move like they used to. Sometimes if I’m driving in my car, I forget where I’m going. In school, I give the wrong grades to the wrong kids because I can't concentrate like I used to. So you see? No one would give me a child. Instant family is my option."
Now it dawns on me. Instant family. God, why didn't I figure this out before?
I place myself in her line of sight and crouch down. I gently grasp her chin with my fingers and make her look at me. The realization of why she can't make a decision is so crystal clear that I’m shocked it didn't click sooner.
"That's the reason you can't decide. You want me, but you want him too because he has the instant family."
Her eyes go wide. "Wh-what are you talking about?" Her eyes dart away from mine but I place my finger on her chin and force her to look at me.
"I can't give you what you want, but he can. I know about him. His dead wife, the little kid." She doesn't ask how I know. Even if Willow didn't tell me, she knows I have my ways.
"He makes you feel special because he has what you want. Isn't that the truth? You wanted to become a mother and you’re falling in love with him because that's what he can give you." I get up when she doesn't answer. Her silence tells me all my answers.
I walk to the door. She remains on the sofa so small and fragile, but right now it's my heart that's fragile. I would have given her the world.
"I lied to you, yes, and I’m sorry for that and I can't take it back. I apologize for just assuming you would leave me if you knew the truth about my life. But for once, Harlow, for once accept some responsibility in this mess because you assumed I wouldn't want you if we had a future that wouldn't include kids. I would have done whatever you wanted. I would have been with you no matter what. Kids or no kids. You were all that mattered. I would have lived my life with just you and me.... I would have lived all my days happy and content. So
you
really are the one who doesn't know me."
Her voice shaky, she asks, "Would have? You're speaking in the past tense."
Am I breaking her because she has broken me? She remembers us, our love, and what we had, but she's not fighting for us, and I’m not sure I have any fight left in me. Not enough for both of us anyway. I can’t compete with instant family. I just can’t. I’m done.
I open the door and the cold air rushes in against my skin and into my heart. I can't do this to myself anymore. I’m not going to win this. She doesn't want me. I have to walk away from it all. Away from everything. I was crazy to do all the things I’ve done in the last six months. Moving from here to be closer to her, changing my way of thinking, trying to get her to fall in love with me again. She made her decision a long time ago.
"I want you to be happy, Harlow. I really want that for you. If that guy can give you happiness and can give you what I can't, then I’ve done all I can do. Just know I love you. I think I'll always love you. You'll always be in my heart. I fell in love with you right here. Sandy Cove brought us together more than once, but I have to give my heart a chance to be with someone who wants what I can do for them, not what I can give to them."
I go next door and grab my keys. I shut the lights and the heat off and make my way to my car. I want her to run out of that house and stop me from walking away. I want her to tell me she chooses me. I want her to tell me that a life with me is what she wants. That it will be enough. I’m so afraid to look back up to the house because if I see her looking out that window, I'd go right back up and get her, and if the house is dark, that makes me even more scared.
I look.
Darkness.
As I drive down Barnacle Lane, I know in my head and in my heart this will be the last time I’m here and as I see the
You are now leaving Sandy Cove
sign, I know I’m leaving...for good.
CHAPTER 18
Decisions
Harlow~
I’ve had to make so many decisions in my short twenty-three years of life. Where to go to college, what I was going to do about Chad and his constant cheating, what to do about my pregnancy, and how I was going to end my life. The decisions I made after that were ones that my heart had to make. Not that my heart didn't help make the others, but falling in love with someone new, yes, my heart was all in. I made the decision to get on that boat with Chad that day. I constantly ask myself why, and maybe someday I will have the answer to that. For now, I think about the what ifs. What if I stood there and listened to Cruz's explanation of why he broke it off with me the way he did? I would have forgiven him I think, knowing what my grandmother did. What if when my memory started to return I didn't tell him sooner? What if I never met Daniel? What if I told Daniel about Cruz right away, as soon as I began to remember?
What if.
What if.
What if.
I can ask myself that a thousand times and the same answer comes up.
I don't have one. I have no answers.
This is my fate and I have to learn how to deal with it and accept it.
It's been almost a month since Cruz took me to Sandy Cove and then walked out of my life. He moved out of Craw's, quit school, quit North Ridge Police Department, and no one has seen or heard from him. Not Max, not Porter, no one. I called Bella but she just told me he needs time but is okay. She just couldn't tell me where he is. I’ve cried every day since he walked out that door. I don't blame him. I gave him no reason to stay. I’ve hurt him time and time again and all he did was love me and I’m probably the world's biggest fool. I miss him. His absence hurts more than I thought it would. But I deserved the pain.
Daniel went to England for the Christmas holiday. After the incident at school, I told him everything. Every last detail of the relationship Cruz and I shared. He understood about what happened afterward. He said he felt bad for Cruz that I didn't remember, but didn't understand why I kept it all from him. He didn't understand why I didn't tell him when I started to remember.
He also told me
he
needed time.
After that, in school, Daniel didn't make surprise visits to my classroom for stupid things like erasers or pencils. He didn't even eat in the lunchroom with us. I would walk by his classroom and he would look up briefly from his desk, see it was me, and bury his head back into his work. He sent me a text on Christmas wishing me a merry one and that we would talk upon his return to the States.