Authors: Criss Copp
Fuck that... since Starbucks? Since Julie gave
me all that bullshit about being gay?
I was
now very angry.
“It wasn’t
her secret to tell, asshole!” Julie screamed.
“You
fucking give me hell for 6 months... then drag out your tantrums for another 2
months; and for at least those last 2 months, Summer could’ve given me piece of
mind about the whole God damn experience?... Whose fault is it Jewels?” I
shouted back.
Summer was
shifting nervously on her feet; she was biting her lip, her eyes were downcast.
“Don’t you
dare,” Julie seethed.
“I couldn’t tell
anyone else... I had a crush on her and I thought she needed to know, so she
could choose whether she still wanted to hang with me or not... other than
that, Helen is the only one that knows.” Julie shouted.
“That’s
because you’ve been trading pussy with her.” I seethed; I was being an absolute
bastard.
Julie’s
whole body exploded.
Her arms flung out,
her face started shouting and spitting... but I couldn’t hear her.
All I could comprehend was
Summer
,
quietly moving to the other side of the bed, dropping into the chair in the
corner and quietly zoning out.
She then
dropped her face in her hands.
I
couldn’t tell what else happened, because by then Julie had clocked me in the
face and was shoving me out the door.
Summer.
If he heard
about Julie, he’d probably heard about Jordan... he knew about the proposal...
It felt like my stomach had decided to depart from my body, the same time my
heart dropped through the resultant hole left behind.
Blake.
Kelly was a
good distraction... both times.
However,
she was a bit domineering for my liking.
She was older by two years, and I think she felt she had something to
teach me.
But her condescending tone
about my youth, kind of put this experience into perspective, as just another
one night stand.
Summer
didn’t attend the party in the end... Julie told me she was sick.
I should’ve gone to see her, but I was too
busy getting ‘busy’, because I thought she was marrying Jordan.
Apart from
Julie informing me rudely about
Summer’s
no show, she
otherwise did a perfectly determined performance of ignoring me... giving the
term ‘Ice Queen’ a whole new image.
Jordan
appeared briefly towards the end... I didn’t get to talk to him, but he
appeared devastated.
It was obvious I’d
been wrong and it made me feel like shit... because all of a sudden, Kelly
hadn’t been necessary.
It made me feel
like a cheating bastard...
*
“Summer,
please open your door.” I asked, knocking loudly on the door.
Debbie
stood behind me.
“You know,
she’s not been herself all week, and today... she’s been a mess.” Debbie
explained, chewing her fingernail.
No, I didn’t really know, because I’ve been
feeling guilty about behaving like a dick; and haven’t been around to check on
her!
Turning to
her, I whispered, “Can I go through Sal’s old room?”
“She’s
locked the ensuite door.” Debbie replied.
I looked at
Debbie;
did she truly have no idea?
Was I about to break some secret code of
teenagers everywhere by divulging my knowledge of ensuite bathroom doors?
“Can I have
a butter knife please?” I asked.
Butter
knife in hand, I snicked the ensuite door open on Sally’s side, turned to give
the knife back to Debbie, and implored her to leave us alone, so I could attend
to Summer on my own.
She acquiesced, so
I walked through to
Summer’s
bedroom, closing both
ensuite doors behind me.
She was lying
in her bed.
The radio played on her
laptop.
She looked up at me before
ducking under her covers.
I hadn’t
talked to her all week... and I was sick of waiting for her to contact me.
Debbie’s phone call twenty minutes ago put
things entirely into perspective... I was a tool!
“Go away
Blake.” Her muffled voice sounded through the covers.
“No... I
came to apologize.” I told her, making my way to her bed and climbing on top to
lie beside her.
“I don’t
care.” She said.
“You do
care... you love me... long, long time!” I replied.
“I’m upset;
I can’t do this right now.” Summer pleaded.
“Look, I’ll
talk, you listen.” I said.
“Jordan
texted me... he said you broke his heart this morning.”
“He came
over, and I told him it was really over... I broke up with him months ago!” She
confirmed croakily.
“You’re not
listening... you’re talking!” I stated, a smile playing on my lips.
She remained under her covers, quiet!
“Now, I
need to tell you something,” I began, “I’m a hot-headed dumbass!” I said.
“Huh!”
Summer grunted in agreement.
“But I need
to tell you some stuff that will explain a bit better about me being a dumbass,
so you can understand why I’m a dumbass.” I said.
This was
going to be hard.
This wasn’t
just my secret... this was also Julie’s secret.
I had argued with Julie for years that we needed to tell
Summer
our secret... and until the phone call from Debbie,
demanding I get my ass over to Summer and fix whatever was wrong, she had
refused.
Even then, she only agreed with
me, when I confessed my feelings for
Summer
.
Summer’s
face poked out from under the covers, as she lifted them from her head.
She rolled onto her side so she faced
me.
Her face was wet with tears, and her
eyes were swollen and red.
Yet despite
this, she still looked beautiful.
I took a
deep breath, and told her my story:
When Julie and I were 5 years old, our Dad was
in business with another Solicitor, a woman named Anthea Farley.
He handled the personal litigation cases,
while she handled the company litigation cases.
They were partners for several years, under the banner of a larger
firm... and she was our godmother.
She
was apparently, a very good lawyer, a great partner too.
But she had a dark side... a very dark
side...
She was sexually attracted to Julie and me.
For a period of three months she manipulated
every situation she had at her disposal to subject us to her sexual deviancy...
I didn’t want to go into details... I couldn’t really, but it was really
horrible!
She had this control over us
for such a long time, and we both thought she loved us.
We thought what was happening was alright,
that it was normal.
Anthea was caught in the end... when I
attempted to love my own mother the same way Anthea expected from me.
Julie’s expectation that I would be gay was her
misguided idea that Anthea ruined women for me... and her attempts to deny her
own sexuality was anchored in her disgust of the same.
I continued to have anger issues... I dealt
with them through painting.
Since
becoming a teenager, I had sometimes felt the need to get verbally abusive to
people I care about... but although there isn’t and shouldn’t be an excuse for
my outbursts, it is what it is, and I am always trying to stop it.
By the time
I had finished telling Summer my murky past, she had crawled further out from
under the covers... she was holding my hand, with her head on my chest and her
body was molded to mine through the covers.
“I’m sorry
I’m such an asshole sometimes.” I said, my voice breaking a little.
I wanted to
tell her now how much I loved her, how I wanted to be with her, but my throat
had decided to close over.
“I’m sorry
you had to go through that.” Summer said... she sounded like she was in
shock.
She lifted her face to look at
me.
I smiled down at her, and a couple
of tears escaped me and began to roll down my face.
I didn’t know how to tell her that these
tears weren’t for my past, but for my behavior over the last week.
Summer.
His face
looked so tortured.
I wanted him to
heal... I wanted to stop the tears, and for him to feel secure that his secret
was safe, and that I didn’t think less of him.
“Debbie and
Max aren’t my aunt and uncle.” I said, trying out those words before launching
into my own experience that would allow him to understand that I could
understand him.
He raised
his eyebrows, questioning. He wiped his face with his hand, and then he
returned his gaze to me.
He looked
so handsome... his face had thinned out over the years, and his prettiness had
altered to handsomeness.
He now had a
piercing in his right eyebrow, above the outer corner of his eye.
One of a number piercings he had collected
this last year.
His left
ear had three piercings; a tragus, rook and snug piercing.
And his right ear had two piercings, an
orbital and another snug piercing.
He
had stayed with silver jewelry, and he didn’t change or remove them ever.
They were crazy good... in fact, they were
fucking cool!
His body
felt strong next to mine... he was cut for sure, I’d seen it.
He had turned into such a gorgeous guy... I
felt plain next to him, but I loved him... and although I couldn’t tell him
that today, I would like to think that after a little time beyond the Jordan
thing I would be able to.
For now, I
just wanted him to know he was still special to me.
I continued with my explanations...
“Up until I
turned eighteen... they were actually my foster parents.” I explained.
His face
changed, dawning on what I was saying.
I
came from a bad background, and I had secrets too.
He bit his
lip and forced a rumbling breath out.
“I guess we
both have secrets.” He said quietly.
I placed my
head back on his chest and told him about Marjorie... about being hungry and
cold, about being abused by a string of men, and I told him about the rape of
my sister, the attempted rape of me, and the resulting death of the
perpetrator.
I didn’t cry, but I held
his hand so tight, I believe he lost all circulation.
We stayed
there for about an hour after that, silent... just him smoothing the hair back
from my forehead; and with me playing with his fingers that were interlaced
with my own... until Debbie came in through the ensuite, to see that we were
alright.
She brought with her some
bottles of water and a bottle of
Tylenol
...
she checked on us, gave me and Blake a kiss on the head each, and retreated
back the way she had entered, closing the doors as she did.
Blake.
I was
overwhelmed.
She
understood me, because she’d experienced real pain and shit too.
When we’d met all those years ago, we were
already damaged... and we had gravitated to each other, because we needed
to.
We’d known without having to know!
If this girl wasn’t meant for me, then I knew
no-one else was.
Right now, I just
wanted to stop her pain.
Had she felt
really close to Jordan for those two years?
Despite a twinge of jealousy and a deep desire to knock Jordan out, I
needed to stay focused on
Summer
.
Debbie came
in and gave us some bottles of water before leaving us again.
It was getting dark outside.
I took the opportunity to break away from
Summer
and turned to the water.
I grabbed a couple of capsules and twisted
the lid off of one of the bottles, handing the water and medicine to her.
“So you and
Jordan are definitely over for good?” I asked, cringing at my lack of
timing.
But they’d been on and off
before.
She nodded.
“At least
you did it to his face.” I said, smiling weakly; referring to the incident
months ago, as well as today.