Authors: Robin Roseau
We got some chuckles. I think most of it was directed at Nori.
"Your hair will remain pink for one month," Malora announced. "Serra will refresh this as often as she deems necessary. This is my judgment for the three of you." She pointed to Nori, Omie, and Beria.
"Yes, Queen Malora," Nori said.
"After your month is over, you may allow it to fade naturally or ask Serra to help return it to its natural color. Go sit down." She moved in front of me. "You defied me and you have convinced me you will continue to do so. When I give an order to you, I expect you to follow it!"
"Then stop giving me the one order you know I won't follow," I replied. "Stop sending me away, and I will otherwise always obey you."
She lips tightened. I knew I was taunting her, but I couldn't help it.
"Strip her," Malora ordered.
Several companions stepped forward and carefully removed my clothing until I stood naked in front of all of them. It had been years since nudity amongst the Amazons had bothered me, and while the night air carried a chill, the fire at my back was warming.
"Bind her," she ordered. Ralla and Balorie
tied my hands and legs together. I was getting tired of that, but I stood complacently while they did it. Then Ralla wrapped a blindfold around my eyes. I was getting tired of that, too. They turned me in a circle several times, perhaps an attempt to disorient me, but the heat of the fire served as a compass.
I cocked my head listening to Malora walk around, her boots thudding into the ground. She rarely made such noise when she walked.
I wondered if it was for my benefit. Finally she returned to stand in front of me.
"Maya," she said, "Your actions endangered your life."
"My actions were necessary," I replied. "An Amazon endangers her life every day. Why should I be immune?"
"Because you were ordered to do so!" Malora said, and by her tone, I knew she was angry and frustrated with me.
"Well, frankly, you were wrong. You needed my comfort, and all the Amazons needed my words, and everyone here knows it. Malora you're not going to win a battle of words with me, so you may as well haul me to the whipping post and get this over with."
I regretted my words immediately. Malora was attempting to heal the rift, and I kept tearing it apart.
I heard people shifting in their seats and a few hushed whispers and equally hushed orders to be quiet. But I couldn't let it go.
"You yourself admitted you were wrong, Queen Malora. I know by Amazon law, even when the queen is wrong, we must obey, but I won't do it. Get this over with, Malora."
"Whenever did I admit I was wrong, Maya?"
"When you gagged me before I knew what you were planning. If you didn't know it was wron
g, you wouldn't have worried I could talk you out of it."
There were a few titters, but no one said anything. I'd left Malora in silence as well. I wished I wasn't blindfolded so I could more readily judge her reaction.
I stood waiting, my head cocked.
"You are an infuriating woman," Malora finally said.
"Some things never change," I said. "You needed me but sent me away. I defied you and returned. I was right to do so, and the results speak for themselves. But I defied you, and now you need to whip me for it. Please, Malora, can we get it over with?"
"You asked for mercy, Maya. Don't you want to receive it?"
"I-" I closed my mouth. Even blindfolded, I lowered my head. "Please don't whip me, Malora."
"
Maya, I have no intention of whipping you. I never did," she said. "I do not believe you would learn anything except fear, which I have no intention of teaching you. I have something else in mind. Bring her."
It felt like it was probably Ralla and Balorie who picked me up. They carried me through the village, although I wasn't sure where, the other Amazons following along behind. When we came to a stop, Malora spoke again. "
This will be familiar to you, Maya. Put her in." I felt myself lowered...
Into cold water.
"Oh you have got to be kidding," I said.
"Silence!" Malora said loudly. "Do it," she ordered.
Hands pushed me down. They dunked me into the barrel of water, holding me under for a long time, finally letting me up.
"That's fine," Malora said. "Take her out and clean her up."
I was pulled out of the barrel, sluiced off with more water, then dried. As soon as they saw me, the assembled Amazons began laughing. I was already expecting it. Even Ralla laughed while she held me upright, and I heard Nori chuckling.
I felt Malora step close, examining me. "Very good," she said. She
stepped away. "Let her see."
Ralla
pulled my blindfold away. I looked down, and I was bright purple.
"Does it go with my hair?"
"It clashes horribly," Malora said. I looked at her, expecting to see an expression of amusement, but she was still frowning.
I smiled at her,
then my legs went weak with relief. Balorie and Ralla barely caught me.
"Oh set her down and finish untying her, then let her get dr
essed," Malora said. She didn't sound happy. "You will remain this color for a year, or until I grow tired of it. You will be dyed as needed to keep the color fresh, both your hair and your body. Furthermore, when you are asked, you will tell why you are this color with no embellishments or any of your fiendish misdirection. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Queen Malora."
* * * *
Later in our hut
, Malora was subdued. She wouldn't look at me, wasn't at all playful, and when she climbed into bed, she turned her back on me. I sat on my edge of the bed, one leg tucked under me, the other still on the floor.
"This was mercy?" I asked her.
"So we're going to fight about your punishment, too?"
"Are you really going to keep me this color for a year?"
"If your attitude doesn't change, I am."
"I see." I sat there on the edge of the bed, entirely unsure what to do. "So I was supposed to go away? I was supposed to go away and not know whether you were alive or dead. Is that it?"
"Yes."
"Fine."
I got off the bed and moved to my storage chest. I pulled out a small pack and began packing my clothes.
"It's late. What are you doing?"
"Packing."
The bed creaked, and then Malora stood over me. She reached down and pulled me to my feet, her hands clasping my arms. In the dim light, we stared at each other.
"Why?"
"You don't want me here. So I'm leaving."
"I didn't say that, and you know it!"
"You don't want me, Malora; you want an obedient little doll who doesn't think for herself, who obeys you without question. And now you're trying to shame me into being what you want instead of accepting who I am. I should have asked you to whip me instead."
"Damn it, Maya!" she said, shaking me a little. "You're completely wrong!"
"Am I? The pink hair is cute. But while I told Loren and Meena I forgave them, I also told them not to do it again. So you did it instead? Why is that? What are you hoping to accomplish?"
"Why can't you behave?"
"Because I'm not an obedient little doll.
If that's what you want, find someone else."
I pulled away from her and returned to packing. Malora stood ove
r me. Neither of us said a word, but I grew increasingly angry. I finally stopped packing, dropped it all back into the chest, and went digging for the clothes I had arrived in. They were badly worn and thin, but they were mine. I pulled them out, then stood up and began stripping out of my Amazon clothes. I dropped them into the chest and pulled on my old clothes. I stared at my shoes; I didn't want to travel so far in these shoes, so I pulled on my Amazon boots.
The entire time, neither of us said a word, both of us angry.
I stepped past Malora and grabbed my fiddle from its hook on the wall. I had to step past her again on my way out the door.
"I don't release you from Amazon service," she said quietly.
I stopped but didn't turn around. "I agreed to be your companion for two years," I said. "It has been over three. I have done more than my share of duty to Morehama. But I am sure you can physically stop me if that's what you choose to do."
She let out a sob as I reached the door.
"Please don't leave me, Maya!"
I stopped at the door and said quietly, "I don't know what else to do, Malora."
She rushed over to me, grabbing me by the arm. "Please. We'll talk. You can fight with words. Please don't leave me."
I let her turn me to face her, but I refused to actually look at her.
"You're trying to shame the spirit out of me, Malora," I said quietly.
"I'm not!"
"You are. You're trying to shame me so I'll obey you. If I were a teenage companion, you could treat me that way, but I'm not. I didn't come to you as a teenager and I'm certainly not a teenager now."
"Why can't you understand?"
"What is it you believe I don't understand?"
"I can't stand the thought of losing you!"
I looked up to her face for a moment then looked back down. "Then why are you driving me away?"
"You are so stubborn!"
I didn't want to leave her. But I didn't know how to be what she wanted, either, and I didn't know how to make her understand.
I stared at the floor. I was sure I wasn't projecting the image of an adult. I carried the same posture of one of my students caught doing something she shouldn't. But I was so tired of fighting. I was tired of giving up who I was to try to conform to the Amazon expectations.
"I can't be what you need, Malora," I said. "Nori took me too late. I can't give up who I am and be what an Amazon is supposed to be."
"I don't know what you are talking about. That doesn't make sense."
"I'm a poor warrior. We both know that."
"I don't need you to be a warrior."
"I am unable to accept that I have no will of my own," I said, "that I only make the decisions you allow me to make."
"That's not true, either! Damn it, Maya!"
I shook my head. "You're never going to understand." I turned for the door. "I'm sorry."
I got a half step and she was in front of me, "No, Maya. No, no, no!"
I stepped around her and reached for the door, but she blocked it from opening. "Maya please!"
"The Amazons took everything from me, Malora. You took me from my home, and when you did so, you took my dignity at the same time. You took me from my job. You took me from a place I was respected. You took from me the right to determine my own path through life. You took from me my own self-respect. In exchange, I have given you everything I had to offer. I know I've failed your expectations, but it wasn't through lack of trying. I've done everything I can think of to earn your respect and that of all the Amazons, and maybe along the way earn some self-respect back. But none of that is enough. It's not enough for you and it damned well isn't enough for anyone else. In the meantime I have suffered humiliation after humiliation
. And now you seek to shame me further to give up any last semblance of self-will, and last semblance of control over my own life."
The tears started up again, making me even more upset.
"I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be treated as if my opinion about my own life is meaningless."
"That's not what I'm doing!"
"It certainly is, and if you weren't so damned arrogant you would realize something. You don't get to make every decision about my life. I don't care if you're the all mighty warrior and queen. That doesn't give you the right to treat me as if I am nothing but your toy doll. But you think it does, and that's why I am leaving. Now get out of my way."
She stood there, not moving, her head bowed. I don't know how long we stood there before she finally said, "Please don't go. We'll postpone the trip. We'll talk about it." She paused. "You told me you would forgive me!"
"I would have forgiven punishment. This," I gestured, "isn't meant for punishment. It's meant to shame me. It's meant to set me apart, to tell everyone 'here is the disobedient companion who refuses to bow to the Amazon queen.' You should have whipped me instead. Now step aside."
"Maya, wait!" she said. "Please, let me think." She kept her back against the door, blocking my exit, neither of us moving. I stared at her for what seemed like forever but was probably only a minute or two.
"What?" I finally said. "What is going to change?"
"Just-" she paused. "Are you angry about the punishment?"
"I'm angry because you're trying to force me to stop thinking for myself and trying to deny my choices."
"Which choices?" she asked.
"All of them."
"I don't think so," she replied. "Be specific. List one."