I was at peace with the decision we made about Nicolette’s parentage. I also knew that if Nicolette ever questioned it, then we would all explain how she became our entire world. So you can imagine how I felt on the day my brother announced a relocation from our home in Chicago to California, taking our girl with him. I of course fought him on every talking point he made. I already felt disconnected from them, and they hadn’t even left. Mason explained that they were given an opportunity of a lifetime, one he and his wife could not refuse. I knew deep down how talented they both were, and I was proud of his accomplishments, but that didn’t give me peace at night knowing our life as a family was about to change.
No matter what assurance Mason had promised me, my heart was breaking with the thought of not seeing Nicolette daily and listening for hours to all the great things that she was experiencing as a teenager.
I waged a war against my brother and his wife. I said no. I wouldn’t allow them to take her away from me. Then, in what was probably the most vicious argument I had ever had with him, my brother painfully reminded me who she belonged to. Nicolette was their daughter, and I was just Uncle Jack. She was theirs, this is what we agreed, but tell that to my heart that always believed she was mine. My gift from God. My miracle. My redemption.
Mason and Christina promised me that I would always have her in my life. I tried to believe his words, but I was still angry deep inside. I promised Sara that I would not react and take it out on my brother. Once his family was secure in the car, he patted my back and tried to once again reassure me while trying to mask his doubts on what I already believed to be true. Our lives would change, but Mason being Mason, he said, “The only thing that will change is our address, and everything else will be the same.”
I watched her tears fall as Nicolette waved goodbye from the backseat of their car as they headed to the airport to begin their new life, a life I was so sure I wouldn’t be a part of. I knew this was madness on my part, but it was my heart that was hurting and I needed my brain to catch up.
My brother was wrong. The picturesque life I was living with Sara, owning my bar, and being a staple in Nicolette’s life changed the day she left. Then it was shattered and forever changed with one phone call...and three words.
NICOLETTE WAS RAPED.
It was as if time had just stopped. I was back there again, pulled deeply into a dark and ugly world, a world that was ruthless, cold, and unforgiving. I was all those things once upon a time, and for a little while, I actually believed that I wasn’t anymore. One phone call destroyed that belief.
I wanted vengeance against the animal that hurt my girl. I couldn’t believe I was back there again. Did I really ever leave? My blood had run cold. I felt no warmth on my skin. I saw red…blood red, and I thirsted to destroy the monster who hurt her. I had to be the one to do it. She was my daughter! Fuck! It was my job to protect her, and I had failed her.
God, forgive me for what I wanted to do. I’d hurt and killed that bastard in my mind so many times.
The day after the Bears versus Cardinals game, I had errands to run outside. Winters in Chicago were brutal. The temps never reached above thirty-two degrees. I should know, I’d lived here all of my life. I loved walking through Little Italy on a Sunday morning. You could smell the fresh baked bread and pastries for several blocks. I always picked up my papers, cannoli were my weakness, and then I would have an espresso with Gino and the rest of the guys from the barbershop before I made my way home to Sara.
I didn’t deserve my beautiful wife, but she loved me anyway despite what I’d put her through these last years. A dark period in our lives that I wish I could forget, but still a very present memory that I think of every single day.
How was he still breathing? He shouldn’t be, and if I had my way back then, his corpse would be a pile of dust by now.
My heart still felt the heavy burden of the promises I made to my brother, my wife, and my Nickel. Massimo knew better than anyone that once I found out what happened to her, I would want to seek vengeance, act before thinking, and not feel a bit of guilt when it was over. I knew I could live with my choices, but Massimo threw all my past sins in my face that day in the hospital, and my hand was forced by the love I felt for my family.
I’d never forget that day…
“How could you let this happen to my girl? How could you?” I screamed. My voice was menacing, while still clutching my brother’s throat.
“Jack, get your hands off of him!” my brother’s wife screamed at me.
Security officers rushed toward us. I didn’t care and kept my hands on his throat. Christina kept repeating the “misunderstanding”
to the security guards, and we were allowed to remain in the hospital. My brother fell to the floor gasping for air, as I tightened my fists. Standing back on his feet and supported by his wife, Mason continued to let out some calming breaths. Trying to keep her voice down from the now curious onlookers that were in the hall, Christina tried to reason with me, but I didn’t want to hear her excuses.
“Jack, I didn’t call and tell you about Nicolette just so you could fly out here to beat the hell out of your brother. What the hell is wrong with you?” Christina asked and then slapped my chest.
“How did you expect me to be, Christina? You all avoid my calls for days, and then when you finally do call me, I’m told that my beautiful girl has been raped by some animal. How the hell did you think I was going to react? You should know me better than that.”
“I didn’t think you would act this way, Jack,” Christina answered.
“If you thought I was going to be anything else, then you don’t know me at all, woman. I love that girl more than my own life!”
After our hallway brawl, all three of us left the hospital to speak in private. We had already put on a large enough show, and we didn’t want to call any more attention to ourselves.
“Mason, I need to see Nicolette. She needs to know that I’m here.”
“Jack, after the way you just behaved up in there, you are in no shape to see her. You need to calm down, and let us take care of our daughter.”
“No, Mason, that’s where you’re wrong, Nickel is as much my daughter as she is yours. I have played it your way all these years, and today we are going to do it my way. You failed her, but I will not. I never should have agreed to let you take her here to this place! She would have been fine had she stayed with me and Sara. You insisted that she would be okay out here and that you would always protect her.”
“Jack, she has been protected from the minute I held her in my arms. What happened to Nicolette was beyond my control. I had only now just found out what was going on the night she was raped.”
“That is bullshit, Mason! Where the hell were you? How could you be so oblivious to what was going on in Nicolette’s life? Beyond your control…my ass! You’re her father, for God sakes, and yet you did nothing! Why, Mason? Explain it to me! Why didn’t you protect our girl? Was it because you were too busy with your career!?! I should take her back to Chicago, with her real family!” I taunted him with a vileness in my tone.
“Please, Jack, stop this,” Christina was pleading with me. “Blaming Mason will not change what happened to Nicolette. Please don’t reveal the truth to her. She has been put through hell. I don’t know if she has the strength to take another shock to her system. Jack, I am begging for you to wait and give us time to explain it to her.”
I ran my hands through my hair and sighed.
“Christina, you have had nothing but time—eighteen years to be exact—and I will not wait any longer. I will seek justice for Nicolette, my way.”
“No, Jack. Please don’t go after Michael. How will that help her if you’re in jail?”
“Don’t worry about me, Christina. I will do whatever it takes to right this wrong for my daughter. You sure as hell can count on that.”
“That’s your answer for everything, right Jack? Hit first, think later. The police are taking care of Michael, so you need to stay out of it.” Mason screamed at me and pounded his fists to the wall beside my head.
That took balls, but I would not be deterred to why I was really there. I then leaned into Mason and quietly spoke to him so his wife could not hear what I was about to say. There was nothing more important than family, and it painfully hurt me to remind my brother of that fact.
“Remember who you are, brother. Papa may have changed our names, but that doesn’t change who we are and where we come from. You, Massimo Anthony Vanelli, remember who you are. Stop hiding! Stop running! Remember who you are!”
Stepping back from me with a calm expression on his chiseled features, he turned to Christina. She was trembling in his arms.
“Honey, will you please give me a moment alone with my brother?”
“Are you sure that is a good idea?” she questioned.
“I’m sure. Please go sit with our daughter, and I’ll be along soon.”
“Come with me, please?” she pleaded, pulling at his arm to make him follow.
She was afraid, and I couldn’t blame her for fearing me. I knew how I sounded, and I could only imagine how I looked to her.
“Christina, go to Nicolette, now! You were the one that called him here, and now I have to deal with this.”
I watched my brother change before me. I knew he already regretted his harsh tone with his wife. He watched her turn away from him with tears in her eyes. Once she was out of sight, he turned back to me.
“Jack…”
“I don’t want to hear it, Mason. There is nothing you can say to me right now that will change my mind. That fucker has to die!”
“Jack, I get that your first instinct is to want justice for Nicolette by causing harm to her rapist, but you are not thinking clearly right now. Remember who you are, Jack. The man that is standing before me right now is not Johnny’s guy anymore. This hit-first-and-ask-later approach may have been your way in the past, but you let that go a long time ago. Don’t let this bring you back to a world that you never belonged in.”
I hit the wall and then turned to slide down it. I looked up at my brother.
“What do you know about my old life? You were just a kid who followed me around like a lost puppy.”
“I know enough, Jack, and I know you got caught up in a life that you didn’t want, but you lived it until you had a chance to break free from it.”
“I couldn’t stand how hard mama and papa worked. They always kept saying that they worked this way for us and we will understand one day. I never did, and then Johnny asked me to do him a favor. All I had to do was make some deliveries for him when he asked me to. I would get paid, and paid well, he said. How could I refuse the money? He said, ‘No one would get hurt. Just make the deliveries and report back to me.’ I did it with no questions asked, and Johnny always kept his word.”
“It wasn’t just deliveries, Jack, was it? They always wanted more from you, and you had no choice but to do what they asked of you.”
“Mason, you make it sound like I was a hired gun. I think your imagination is running wild.”
“You can play it off as much as you want, Jack, but I know you were their muscle when they needed someone to be taught a lesson. Don’t lie to me, Jack…I saw you.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. It was the night that I had my concert at school. Mama was sick, and papa was working late. You promised them that you would take me and be there while I performed my solo piece, but you never showed up, because Johnny had yet another ‘errand’ for you to run. When you finally got home, I saw your bloodied knuckles, and as much as you tried to hide it from mama and papa…they knew, Jack. I knew, Jack! I hated you at that moment, because I know what you did to Mikey Marino. That poor kid never walked again, Jack, because you did Johnny a favor.”
“I’m so sorry, Mason. I didn’t know any better back then. I never meant to have you disappointed in me, but I was just trying to make a better life for our family. I knew I was in over my head after that, and I went to Johnny and asked to be let go. He laughed at first and said no, but then I stood there with no fear and asked again. He said…no man ever asked him this and lived to tell about it, but I was different and he always knew this day would come. He did let me go but always promised to have my back, and if I ever needed anything, I could come to him or any one of the guys in the crew.”
“Jack, you are a better man now, and maybe I didn’t always see it growing up, but I do now. You are my brother, and I love you. Please don’t let what happened to Nicolette bring you back to those dark days. Think of Sara, who loves you, and think of how she makes you better every day.”
“That’s a low blow, Mason, even for you.”
“Jack, I’m not trying to hurt you, but you need to see that as much as you’re angry about what happened to her, you can’t let this insanity become your life again. I want to rip that boy apart with my bare hands, but it won’t change anything and will cause more hurt for Nicolette. We need to be here for her now and not let this separate us. Please, Jack…I’m begging you. Let the police handle this, and stay out of it. Can you do that? If not for me, then for Nicolette and Sara?”
Walking away from my brother that day was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. He broke me down piece by piece and wasn’t even sorry for it. I knew he would say just about anything to protect his family and keep me from hurting them even more, but I didn’t start this…that animal did. And I couldn’t harness the overwhelming feeling that I needed to finish it.
“Hey, you’re back,” I heard her call out from behind the bar.
My angel. My moral compass. That’s what she was. Goodness radiated off of her, and anyone who met her could see what I have known all of my time loving her: Sara was light. I didn’t deserve her, this I knew, but she was here with me and never once left my side.