I knew deep down it wasn’t his fault, nor was it Nicolette’s. It was Michael’s. He was just sick with his delusions and created a fantasy in his mind, an imaginary life that would not be realized with my daughter, so he decided to take it instead.
After some long pauses, my intent was clear.
“This is what we’re going to do: I need his complete routine from the minute he wakes up until they call lights out for the night. I’ll take care of securing the blueprints of the layout and handling the warden, if that makes you uneasy. You just check with your guys, and get me his breakdown, I’ll do everything else. Clear?”
“Jack, I’ve never questioned you in all the years I’ve known you, but this is crazy. It will never work. Please reconsider another way. We have you covered, but we just can’t risk exposure. Times have changed, my friend. There are eyes everywhere, and we can’t be on anyone’s watch list.”
“Max, you have been my friend for more years than anyone else in my life, but don’t ever question me again. It will only break down the trust we have, and it will not be good for either one of us. I told you I have my reasons for why he is still breathing, but now that has changed with this new development. I will not be working under the guise of the family. I know and understand that I am on my own here, so don’t worry about blurred lines. I’ve got it covered.”
“I mean no disrespect, but I’m just worried for you. You’ve been out of the game for a long time, my friend, or maybe that’s what you want us all to believe. You are one scary motherfucker Jack. The streets still fear you, and Michael St. Clair should too. Just think about what I said, please. And Jack, don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are on your own, because that’s simply not true. Being concerned for you is not cutting you loose. There is a difference.”
“I’ll see you around, Max.”
I stood with my hands firmly in my pocket and my jaw clenched so tightly that I thought my molars would snap. I couldn’t be angry with Max for advising me. He’s been here with me for years, but I meant what I said when I was on my own. I’d struggled with my demons for too many years to count, being pulled in multiple directions. I was torn between good and evil, never too sure which side I would end up on. To look into Sara’s eyes and lie to her is abhorrent to me, and that goes for Nicolette as well.
Max left everything with me and took his leave. My friend looked defeated, but I couldn’t worry about that right now. My palms were placed against the door, and then I leaned my head against it, thinking about that monster and my Nickel. I couldn’t let him hurt her. Not again. Never again. I’d never survive it if his hands touched her again. She’d been through so much, and now when she truly has everything, he resurfaced to taint her light with his darkness. No! I was willing to do everything in my power to stop him, even if cost me all that I had.
After Max left, I had spent hours in my office just studying all the surveillance pictures of Nicolette. I was disgusted, but yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the images. This was my daughter, and she had been through so much at the hands of this predator. And he is still stalking her even behind the confines of his prison walls. What is he after? Does he have a plan after he gets released? Is he that confident in his father’s abilities to use his money and resources as his ticket to freedom? I scrubbed my face down with my hands in frustration and uncertainty.
I was so lost in my mania that I didn’t even hear her enter my office. I only felt the chills that coursed through my body whenever she was near. It was a need, one that was carnal and fierce, that any man with a pulse would want what I had. Sara was my weakness, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I already proved that fact when I laid my heart at her feet and promised what she needed to hear. I could only pray that I would not lose her after making this decision to break my vow.
I didn’t want to look up at her. I knew I was about to be scolded for abandoning the restaurant today, and during its busiest time. Being the angel she was, she held back and looked at me with love in her eyes instead of anger. I opened up my arms as her invitation to walk toward me, which she did with no hesitation. I once again closed my eyes, this time relishing in the fact that my Sara was here, and she was mine.
She combed her delicate fingers through my hair, scratching my scalp as she always did. Her touch once again left me with chills. We had privacy here. I could easily take her across my desk and claim every part of her just to remind myself that I still had a touch of humanity somewhere in my soul, but that wouldn’t be fair to my wife. I was angry and repulsed at what I had seen in the photos and was looking for a quick release to sate that anger. That would not be something I would do with Sara.
“Talk to me Jack. Aside from this morning, I haven’t seen you all day. Do you even know what time it is?”
“I’m sorry, babe, but I don’t.”
She pulled her phone from her pocket and showed me the screen. Holy shit! I had been down here for over six hours.
“I’m sorry, Sara. I lost track of time. I’ll come up and help with the closing prep.”
“Don’t bother. It’s already done,” she said, now leaving my arms to pace my office. “What’s going on with you? Or do I even have to ask? I’m tired of this emotional merry-go-round carnival ride that we’ve been on. It’s time to get off and move on. Don’t sit there with a scowl on your face, because you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“What do you want from me, woman?” Instantly regretting my tone, I kept going. “So I skipped out on the dinner rush, big fucking deal. We employ an arsenal of employees that I pay very well to take care of things. I doubt I was even missed.”
“You can sit there and believe that I’m actually upset with you because you didn’t work today? Oh, Jack, I wish that was the case, but we know it’s not. I’m not blind. I saw Max enter the restaurant today. I also saw the grim expression he wore on his face, not to mention the thick envelope he was carrying, kind of like this one on your desk. May I?”
She gestured to the papers and turned upside down photos, but slamming my hand down stopped her curiosity.
“Don’t…please.”
My voice sounded so small. I couldn’t allow this part of my life to touch her. The hurt in her eyes sent me a clear message. I tried to go to her, but she refused me.
“Keep your secrets, Jack. I don’t want to know. Don’t the wise guys believe that a crime is never a crime if no one was there to witness it? Right?”
And with the sound of her voice and look on her face, I might have lost all the faith she ever had in me. Just for good measure, she slammed the door on her way out, leaving me feeling more alone and lost than ever before.
Days later, Sara was still giving me the silent treatment layered with a side of coldness. I wasn’t even needed when our weekly vendors stopped in with our deliveries. She was phasing me out, and I didn’t like it one bit. But nothing would prepare me for the confrontation that I would have with her when I walked into our bedroom to see her packing a bag. Now it was my turn to slam the door.
“Care to explain where the fuck you are going?”
I hated how I lost my temper with Sara, but she was decimating me with her silence, and now her actions would destroy me if I didn’t do everything in my power to stop her from leaving. She maintained her composure and ignored me. I finally had to walk over to her and grab her by her shoulders to force her to look at me.
“Please,” I drew out, “don’t leave me, Sara. I won’t be able to live without you.”
I held her to me until she finally broke down and placed her arms around my back.
“Jack…”
I cut her off by crushing my mouth down to hers. I coaxed her mouth until she opened for me finally allowing me to kiss her, taste her, and show her how much I loved her. She had stripped me bare with the sight of the suitcase. I couldn’t lose her. I was in a daze, had been since our fight. I wasn’t sleeping, nor eating much. Max had come through and got me everything I needed to get to Michael, if I desired to do so. He was still secure, and for now I didn’t need to make any decisions on what my next move would be. I was waiting for one more piece of the puzzle to connect, but that would have to wait until I settled things with Sara. She finally disengaged from me, putting more distance between us.
“Please don’t leave me,” I asked again.
The tone of my voice was barely above a whisper. She was taking a sledgehammer to my heart. I stroked her soft skin, making my way up to her eyes, where they would meet mine.
“Please, baby, don’t go.”
Another quiet plea to make her stay. I struggled to say the words and fought against my unadulterated desire for her. The desperation in my voice made me feel defenseless against her. She had made her mind up, and I could do nothing to change it.
“I’m not leaving you, Jack, but I am taking a break. I need some time to myself to think some things through, and I can’t do that here with you. I’m sorry.”
“If you were so sorry, then you would stay and talk to me.”
“And say what? You are an island, Jack, tucked away somewhere off the coast of nowhere, and I’m not invited to visit. I have tried, but you stop me at every turn. So I’m going to go to my own island for a while and take a long vacation from our life
—
or at least what it used to be before Nicolette was raped.”
I had lost all ability to speak after Sara’s bold statement. How could she have been so cold? I didn’t even believe it was possible…not ever. My only choice was to walk away from Sara, because if I were to stay, I probably would say or do something that I know I could never take back.
Sara continued to pack her things, and I allowed her to do it. I made a fast retreat out of our home and down to the bar, picking a bottle as I went down to my office. Tommy came down about an hour later using caution as he asked for entrance into my private hell.
“Did she leave?” I asked him.
“Yeah, boss, about a half hour ago. She asked me to give you this.”
Tommy handed me an envelope with Sara’s initials on it. It was the matching envelope to the stationary I had given her. Every anniversary we shared, we would write a love letter to each other, and then read them out loud. It was always a beautiful ending to another year gone by spent loving each other, and then we would make love and make more promises for the next year to come. And now I’m about to read what, a goodbye letter? ‘Thanks for the memories, Jack?’ ”
“Can I do anything for you, boss?” Tommy asked, always having my back, but all I wanted was to be alone.
“I’m fine. Just take care of everything upstairs for me. Have Marco and the girls help you with the closing prep, and then lock up on your way out.”
He nodded and then left my office. Tommy knew better not to push me. Hell, he had seen my worst when Christina called me with the news of Nicolette’s attack.
I couldn’t read this letter. I wasn’t ready to have my heart tormented any more than it already was. So I poured myself a whiskey and didn’t stop until I drained the bottle. My cell had gone off a few times, and I ignored whoever was trying to get a hold of me. It wasn’t Sara, this I knew. She was off on her own fucking island or whatever she said when she walked out on me. What the fuck does that even mean? I have shared everything with her, even the ugly parts that should never have been repeated, but I did it with my wife. And this was how she repaid my trust, by leaving me?
Her letter was laughing at me. The thin envelope was just sitting there on my desk, taunting me. I could shred it without ever knowing what it said, or I could man up and just read it. I took a deep breath and fought against my better judgment.
My Dearest Jack,
I know you’re angry with me, so let’s begin there. I’m angry too, but with myself for hurting you. I should have never said something so hurtful to remind you of what has pained you all of these years.
It was cruel on my part, and I am very sorry for doing that to you. In my defense, I was out of options. You say you endeavor to always be honest with me, but do you? You tell me what you think I could handle, and then you hide the rest and keep me sheltered from other parts of your life. I thought I was your life? Isn’t that what you always led me to believe? I don’t trust you anymore, Jack, because I fear you are about to embark on something that you will not come back from.
I won’t be there to see you fall. I’m just not strong enough to go through that again. I love you, Jack…always. But sooner or later, one of us had to get off the ride. I need time, and I am hoping you will allow me to have it. When I’m ready, I will call you, but for now, please let me go.
Yours,
Sara
Crumbling her letter in my hands, I tossed it into the trash.
How the fuck did I get here? And what will become of me if I have lost Sara, forever?
Not giving any more attention to my liquor cabinet, I grabbed my keys and took a walk. It probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do in the middle of winter during probably one of the coldest weeks Chicago had ever seen, but I was numb anyway, so to hell with it.
Not even knowing how long I was walking, I found myself in front of the old brownstone I grew up in. These buildings dated back to the early 1900’s. They were now protected and cared for by a foundation that fought to preserve the authenticity of the Italian immigrants who arrived in America to make a better life for themselves. Ellis Island had their own piece of history, and we had ours here in this neighborhood. I learned many lessons on these streets, some good and some bad, but ones that stayed with me all of my life. These streets were lined with the blood, sweat, and tears of all who lived here, including my family. If I closed my eyes, I could still see mama sweeping the front stoop to our doorway. We didn’t even have a yard for a garden, but mama made do with what she had. She had a few planter boxes that she grew fresh herbs in, and when she cooked, you could smell the fruits of her labor down the row of houses on our block. In a moment of clarity, a pang of guilt pounded through my heart as I continued to stare at the decrepit buildings before me.