Angel (NSC Industries) (11 page)

I
must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes the room was dark. I was
hot and cramped. Something didn’t feel right. The duvet felt heavy and I was
aware of a slight current of air.

Groaning
and trying to stretch, a sound came out of the darkness. “Ssshhh baby” a breath
whispered in my ear.

Jolting
upwards I struggled for breath, scrambling backwards into the headboard, frightened
beyond control.

“Hey,
Angel. It’s just me, relax” Nate whispered softly, his hand reaching for me.

“What
the fuck Nate? What are you doing here?” I stammered “How did you get in?”

He
tugged me back down and pulled me into him, my back to his chest and his arms
enveloping me in a protective embrace. “Hush Angel” he soothed, stroking his
fingers up and down my arm.

 “You
left your door open. I did knock for quite a while and I thought you were
ignoring me, but I was getting worried so I tried the door and let myself in and
found you were sound asleep.”

We
both lay in complete silence for a while; the only sound was our breathing and
the wall clock ticking.

Here
goes!

“I
met James about a year after you left for Edinburgh,” I started, staring into
the darkness “he was loving and attentive at first. He made me laugh and
absolutely doted on me. After we’d been together for about a year he asked me
to marry him. After you, I didn’t think I’d be able to fall for anybody else
and I did care for James, but I had to be honest with him if we were gonna get
married, so I told him about you, about our relationship and how much love I
had and still held for you.”

I
took a deep breath and Nate’s arms tightened around me to urge me to continue.
“He said he was okay with it, that he loved me so much that any amount of love
I felt for him would be enough.”

Nate’s
hand came up to my head and he began to stroke my hair, calming me. “Everything
was wonderful for the beginning of our marriage and I fell pregnant with Erin.”

Taking
a deep breath I carried on, “He was happy for a while but when Erin was about
six months old he started changing. He became moody and unpredictable and I was
starting to notice his temper was shorter with me. We grew apart rapidly, each
of us tolerating one another but hardly sharing a relationship. I had the
feeling he resented the fact that I didn’t have as much love for him as I did
you.”

Nate
placed a soft kiss on the back of my head and sighed into my hair.

Swallowing
I forced myself to carry on, “Anyway, after about three months, it was New Year
and there was a party at the office where I worked. I’d asked him to come but
he refused, saying he didn’t fancy it. I was going through a self-pitying stage
at the time, I felt unloved, unattractive and lonely so I got very, very drunk.
There was a guy at work that had been coming on to me for a few months and his
attention was flattering so when he came on to me again I gave in. We were
having sex in one of the offices when James walked in.”

I
felt Nate flinch behind me. “Needless to say he floored the guy and dragged me
home. He was so angry and that was the first time he hit me but I knew it was my
fault that time, so I let it go.”

Nate
sighed “Baby, no woman deserves to be hit, no matter what she did.”

I
nodded slightly before I carried on. “From then on his attitude towards me
worsened and the slightest thing would send him into a rage; a cobweb on the
ceiling, if his cup of tea wasn’t brewed enough, even Erin’s cries seemed to
wind him up. His beatings became a regular occurrence and he swore if I left
him he’d kill me. He always blamed it on me, saying it was my fault he was like
he was. If I hadn’t loved you more than him then we would have been happier.” I
stuttered, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were forcing their
way up my throat.

Nate
stiffened, hugging me closer, his hold so tight I thought he was going to crush
me but he remained silent, listening intently to my story.

“One
day I came home from work early with a migraine. James’s car was in the garage
so I didn’t see it and presumed he was at work. As I came in in the house I
went straight upstairs, desperate to climb in bed. I heard sounds as I got to
the landing and pushed the bedroom door open to see James was fucking some
woman. Do you know? I actually hoped he’d finally found someone else and was
gonna leave me for her… no chance.” I scoffed bitterly.

“It
didn’t even bother me that he was shagging someone else in our bed. Do you know
what he did?” I asked Nate, not waiting for an answer, I carried on “He looked
at me and said ‘come and join us Liv’.” I laughed bitterly.

 “I
just stood there staring at the woman’s tits, thinking how saggy they looked. I
left the room and shut the door behind me, went downstairs, made a coffee and
sat down at the kitchen table calmly. About ten minutes later the woman walked
past me, scowling at me, and left.”

I
sighed deeply as I struggled to carry on; it was getting harder to tell this
tale, knowing which part I was coming to.

“James
came down about five minutes later, picked up a chair and… and smashed it round
my head.”

I
heard Nate suck some air through his teeth, “
Jesus Christ
” he hissed,
exhaling slowly.

“My
mother found me curled up on the kitchen floor, bleeding all over the new tiles
we’d had fitted. I remember thinking to myself ‘How the hell am I gonna get the
blood off the floor? He’ll kill me if it stains’. My mum picked me up and took
me to the hospital. The police encouraged me to prosecute, my mother
demanded
that I prosecute; she’d had her suspicions that James was beating me, but he
always hit me where I could hide the bruises. I wasn’t sure what to do, I was
frightened of his death threats but the police insisted that they could put him
away for this so I did.”

I
was silent for a few moments. “But he got fucking bail!” I scoffed.

Nate
sighed heavily and rested his forehead on the back of my head; his hands now
back around me, holding me tightly. “Jesus baby” he said, “Where is he now?”

I
turned around to face him, the contours of his face silhouetted in the
darkness. Lightly tracing his chin with my fingers I sighed “I haven’t finished
yet.”

I
inhaled severely and slowly let the air out of my lungs, digging deep for
courage to tell him the next part.

“Really?!
There’s more?!” he said expressing his dismay that there was definitely more to
be told. “Oh yeah, there’s more” I scoffed, bitterly.

“About
a week after his bail I was leaving work and he grabbed me and covered my mouth
with a cloth laced with chloroform.”

I
heard Nate’s growl but braced myself and carried on “The next thing I knew I
woke up in a garage somewhere.”

Now
chewing on my fingernails, Nate took hold of my hand and interlaced his fingers
in mine, resting our joined hands against his chest. I could feel his heart
pounding through his shirt and he was sweating slightly.

I
paused for a long time, breathing hard as a violent nausea threatened to
surface. “He held me in that garage for three days. He raped me over and over
again, burnt me with cigarette stubs and repeatedly cut into me with a blade.”

I
didn’t realise I had begun to cry until I felt Nate wipe a tear away and place
it on his lips, like he always did when he wanted to share my grief.

“The
last thing I remember, he was in a violent frenzy and he was punching me
ruthlessly, shouting at me for reporting him to the police. He just went mad
and started kicking me in the head.”

I
was whimpering deeply as Nate embraced me and started rocking me to and fro
gently.

“I
woke up in hospital seven weeks later. I’d endured a ruptured spleen, bleeding
on the brain, four cracked ribs, several broken bones including a dislocated
jaw, and internal bleeding
AND
I was pregnant with Matt! I’ve been told
both Matt and I are lucky to be alive. Luckily the police had somehow worked
out where I was and had stormed the place just as he kicked me unconscious. He
got 18 years for GBH, ABH and attempted murder.”

I
sobbed between each word, trying to control my voice so he could understand me.

“I’m
so sorry Liv,” he anguished “I’m so sorry.” He was now rocking me rigorously,
his hand on the back of my head holding me tight against him and placing gentle
kisses on my forehead.

We
lay there for long minutes, it could have even been hours I wasn’t sure, him
comforting me as he tried to take my heartache away.

I
awoke a while later, my bladder bursting at the seams. I was still enveloped in
Nate’s arms and his breathing was steady, proof that he was also sleeping.

I
squeezed myself out from his embrace and made my way to the bathroom. After
relieving myself I splashed my face with cool water, freshening up.

I
was still in my work clothes, my blouse and skirt wrinkled to its limits and I
was in much need of a shower, but for the moment alcohol was more important.

Making
my way down to the kitchen, I grabbed a half open bottle of wine from the
fridge and poured myself a large glass and took it through to the lounge.

Matt
and Erin were at my mother’s for the weekend so the house was peacefully still.
Drawing the curtains and switching on the lamps I settled on the sofa
contemplating the events that had unfolded today.

I
thought when I had screamed my confessions at Nate in his office, that he had
looked at me repulsed but now that he had arrived at my home, listened and
supported me, and then held me as I sobbed, I realised it had been shock
showing on his face.

I
was still deep in thought when I felt a press of lips to the top of my head. “Hey
baby” Nate said gently.

I
raised my hand behind me, stroking the side of his face “Hey.”

His
arms slid around my neck and he grasped my chin, tilting my head backwards
against the sofa. He leaned down and kissed me, our mouths reversed on each
other.

His
kiss was gentle and loving, expressing his reassurance that what I had divulged
to him hadn’t altered his feelings for me but at the same time comforting me.

“Drink?”
I asked him, after he released me. “I’ll get one, you stay there” he smiled and
disappeared into the kitchen.

I
heard him rooting through cupboards looking for a glass as I plugged my iPod
into its base and selected some music.

He
was seated on the sofa by the time I had turned back and I sat down next to him.
“Are you hungry? You want me to make you something?” I asked him.

“We
could go out if you want” Nate invited.

“Uhh,
I don’t think anywhere would be open at this time, Nate” I laughed when he
looked at his watch. “Jesus. It’s 11:20. Where the hell did the night go?” he
asked with disbelief.

“Probably
filled by a lot of a blubbering woman and a little bit of sleep” I joked.

Pulling
me over to him and placing my head on his chest he snuggled me into him, both
of us in our own thoughts.  “Where’s the kids tonight?” he asked after a while.

“My
mums,” I returned “they go every weekend.”

“How
is your mum?” he asked.

Nate
and my mum had got on really well when I was in a relationship with him. She
had been grateful to him for looking after her ‘baby’ while I was away from
home and she had seen how much we were in love and trusted him not to hurt me.

In
the end it was me that had hurt him.

“She’s
good” I told him “she’s been a rock to me after everything. I don’t know how
I’d have got through without her, Beth and Lex.” 

Regarding
me, he cocked his head “Is James the reason you see your psychologist?”

I
nodded “Yeah. I went to a really dark place about six months after it happened.
I refused to leave the house, frightened of my own shadow and scared to death
that James was going to get out of prison and come for me.”

I
shuddered and he pulled me closer, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.  “I
hated myself and everybody around me. I still go there sometimes but not as bad
as my first episodes. My mum had to take the kids in for six months until I
straightened my head out but anyway, she insisted I starting seeing a ‘head
doctor’ and nearly twelve years later I still have to have appointments with
him, though it’s only once a month now.”