Annabella's Oblivion (Hard World Tour #1) (31 page)

My hand caressed her soft cheek. She looked so peaceful in her sleep, but I could still see the traces of her tears. I leaned down to kiss her and inhaled her scent to calm myself. Suddenly, the lack of sleep and all the tension from today took a toll on me. I felt exhausted and wanted nothing more than to lie down.

I stripped my shirt off and joined my girl on the bed, gently pulling a blanket over us, and took her in my arms, where nothing could hurt her.

Because I would never allow it.

I just hoped it was the place she wanted to be.

Annabella

I woke up with a slight headache, feeling dizzy and disoriented. I was exhausted and my throat felt sore, as though I’d been crying, but I couldn’t remember anything. I touched my head slightly and winced, discovering it was better not to move. But I did recognize the room around me. I tried to move my other hand, but for some reason it wasn’t free. I looked down to see the IV drip attached to it and frowned. What the hell was wrong with me? What was going on?

Wasn’t today the day Jeremy and the gang were supposed to come? Why would I end up here, feeling as if I jumped off the roof and crushed myself?

Suddenly, everything came back to me.

The visit. Sam. Her shouting. My bellowing.

Nick.

Nick was dead.

Nick was gone forever.

My heart clenched painfully and tears came to my eyes, but I didn’t let the panic attack get to me again. I’d admitted it out loud. It was hard, and that fact still rocked me.

What the hell did I do? I couldn’t deal with my pain, so I deflected and pushed it aside with drugs.

To do something else, to forget and pretend.

I knew better. A fantasy world wasn’t the cure for my problems. I betrayed myself and Nick with the whole addiction thing.

“
I’m proud of you, baby girl.”
The cold voice and expressionless smile by Nick in my drug-hazed state came to my mind, making me feel ashamed. How could I believe those words and convince myself it was okay? That what I was doing was justified?

I ruined everything, and worse, I didn’t even attend the funeral properly, nor visit his grave.

I avoided Megan.

I turned my back on my friends, my music, my talent, and the band. Instead, I chose drugs, hung out with questionable people, and even had sex with some of them, which grossed me out now.

It made me want to take a shower, because all of a sudden, I felt dirty inside.

What did I do?

I had been here for three months, and with all the treatments and the getting better, I never fully acknowledged what I did. I knew I screwed up, but I was never ashamed or sorry for it. It felt like my pain justified anything and everything. Because Nick was gone, I found an excuse to go off the rails.

My brother loved me with all his heart, but I knew him well enough to know if it was me instead of him in that accident, he would never have done something like that. He would have grieved, moved on, and then remembered me forever.

One was never free from his or her addiction. Drugs were for life. I would always have to watch my back, resist the temptation, and remember the consequences of my actions.

People would always remember the things I’d done.

I didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to hide under the covers and never come out.

As much as I wanted that, I wasn’t about to do it.

It was my desire to hide and run that led me to the situation I was in now. I had to face it and start anew.

“
You’re awake.” I jumped because I just realized I wasn’t alone in my bed. Nate was lying with me, resting his head on his hand as he regarded me questioningly, as if he was trying to figure out what was going on with me.

“
Why are you here?” My voice was almost non-existent from all the screaming. There was a flicker of pain in his eyes and I quickly rushed to explain. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. I didn’t mean it in a bad way or—” He didn’t let me finish. He propped himself up and shut me up with a soft kiss, and I instantly calmed down. His hand caressed my cheek and, for a split-second, when he let go of my lips and locked me within his embrace, everything just felt right in this world.

“
Baby, don’t talk. Your throat is already sore.” He leaned over me and grabbed something from the nightstand. “Take this aspirin for your headache, and then you need to take a hot shower, okay? I’m gonna bring you some soup, and then we’ll go back to sleep.”

I knew it was useless to protest because he wouldn’t listen to me, and plus, I wanted all those things he mentioned. I opened my mouth to thank him, but he stopped me with his finger on my lips.

“
I know, sweetheart, I know.” If I had any tears left in me to cry, I probably would.

I swallowed the pill, though it was damned hard with my sore throat. I removed the IV drip and went to the bathroom. Thank God I wasn’t dizzy anymore.

I took a long, hot shower while resting my head on the cold tile. I wished it would wash away all the shit I’d done. I finally turned the water tap off; my skin was all red from the scrubbing and the boiling-hot water. I grabbed the towel and stood in front of the mirror.

As I wiped off the steam covering the mirror, I looked at myself, really looked at myself for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I was out of sorts.

My eyes.

There was a deep sorrow in my eyes, and a constant desire to run from my emotions.

Not anymore.

Now there was pain, but acceptance, too.

Because I had to move on, and I would.

“
I’m proud of you, baby girl.”

“
Not yet, Nicky, but you will be. I promise you that,” I said softly, ignoring the pain.

I put on my pajamas and went back to the room, where Nate was putting the hot soup, and what looked like a glass of warm water, on the table.

“
Here’s your soup, and if you feel thirsty throughout the night, drink this hot water with honey. It should ease the pain.” I nodded and actually felt hungry. He was having a tuna sandwich. There wasn’t much noise besides his chewing and me drinking the soup from the spoon.

When we were done, he grabbed my hand and motioned for me to get in bed as he gently put some cream on my hands, which felt very soothing.

Oddly enough, I really wanted to go back to sleep. He switched off the light, kissed me on the forehead, and laid me down on his shoulder, with my leg over his and my hand circled around his waist.

He made me feel so warm, and I closed my eyes.

Tomorrow would be a good day to start living and owning up to my mistakes,
really
owning up to them.

Tomorrow. I was just like Scarlet O’Hara. She wanted to get back her man.

Nate.

There was no question I wanted more from him. For the first time, I wanted more with a guy.

I wasn’t in the right place nor time though to start. He said he would wait for me.

I hoped he would. I knew I probably didn’t deserve him, and maybe I shouldn’t even think about it but I did.

Because it made me feel alive.

Not from the kissing or the sex, which was damned hot.

No. It wasn’t because of those things.

I wanted it because, for the first time since Nicky, it made me feel those beautiful, pure emotions. I wanted to feel. I wanted this handsome man to look at me with desire and make me feel alive, cherished, and wanted.

After all, I was alive, wasn’t I?

“
Hey, Nick.”

“
What?”

“
Do you think we will always stay this way?”

“
What way?”

“
Close?” We were lying on the grass in Central Park, gazing up at the stars. It was our little tradition, since we moved to the city, to spend a day together in summer. We woke up early and explored the city. Then we had some ice cream and watched a movie. The ending was always the same. Us on the grass, gazing at the stars, and trying to catch some figures and shapes that appear among the sky.

It reminded us of Simba, Timon, and Pumba from the “Lion King” when they would share their theories about the stars.

Needless to say, it was my favorite cartoon. I still cried like a baby when Mufasa died. Nick always rolled his eyes and had tissues ready for me.

I wanted to invite Megan, but she refused with a smile because she knew this time belonged to us.

He turned his head to me, and his eyes held a question in them.

“
Why wouldn’t we, baby girl?”

“
I don’t know. You know, once you start a family, and I will probably have someone, too.” Though the thought alone seemed foreign to me and boring. I knew it was weird that I never had crushes or desired to have a boyfriend, but that was how it was. My whole focus was music, and as much as I enjoyed good sex, it was just that
—
sex. I didn’t need the complication of a relationship in my life where I’d have to adjust to someone else’s needs. Plus, there was the whole mom thing, and how much I didn’t want to lose myself in a man like she did.

“
Would we be as close? Like…wouldn’t we move on?” I didn’t know why this was bothering me, why I wanted to have answers to those questions. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing him. Or losing the connection we had. Or our silly trips to the park.

“
That would never change what you are to me. You will always be my little sister, and I will always be your big brother.” He turned on his side and looked me in the eyes. “We will have someone else and, of course, other people to love. But nothing, honey, will ever change our bond.”

“
Till death do us part, right?” I joked, because the idea itself was laughable.

We were young, and we had a whole life ahead of us.

“
Yep, baby girl. Till death do us part.”

Annabella

I felt soft, butterfly touches on my neck and tried to suppress a smile. Then it moved to my jaw and, finally, to my lips.

“
Open your mouth for me, baby.” There wasn’t a bone in my body that would have complained about that command. The moment I did what he asked, he pushed his tongue inside and gave me a hot, deep kiss, with our tongues entwined. But at the same time, underneath it all, it was gentle and caring, if it was possible. I tried to move toward him, but he ended up over me, pinning me to the bed, not breaking our contact. His hands moved to the blanket that still covered me and pulled it off in one swift move. Our bodies touched and I moaned into his mouth. He was warm and I moved my hands down to his chest before circling his waist with my hands and hugging him closer. Since we both needed oxygen, his lips moved down to my neck, sucking on it, and then to my collarbone in soft kisses, the same kind he woke me up with. His hands raised my shirt and he propped me up to take it off, his chest rubbing against my hard nipples.