Annabella's Oblivion (Hard World Tour #1) (29 page)

“
That was amazing, girl!”

“
Well hell, kiddo, you can crash on our Saturday anytime with a voice like that.”

“
That was freaking awesome!”

She put the guitar aside and bit her lip, trying to smile, but it trembled. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t fake it. I was about to rush to her to comfort her and take her the fuck away from there and care for her sweet little fingers when a cold, loud voice stopped me.

“
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

Annabella

I had no idea where I was when I finished the song. I was completely in the past moment with Nicky. For the first time since the accident, I cried for him and tried to control it, but for some reason, my body didn’t oblige. My fingers ached and so did my arms. It felt like they were burning. Wouldn’t be the first time I got injured playing. They were probably blistered. I didn’t care for physical pain.

It was like my body and mind were on the brink of some kind of realization, which I didn’t want to happen. I had no control over the situation.

“
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

Everything froze inside me at this voice.

Sam.

I turned my head to the door and the breath caught inside me.

Jeremy, Jane, Ariel, Sam, and Nate were all there, and probably heard me.

Nate.

I wanted to run into his arms, because I knew he would make it all better.

He would protect me from this, from my feelings, and would let me forget it in his arms.

But I couldn’t do it.

I had to face it.

“
Sam,” I said, and tried to clear my throat, but it was painful. I needed water and, plus, two songs in one day was a bit much for me right now.

She was looking directly at me, and there was anger and fury in her eyes.

She didn’t move on; she didn’t forgive. What did she want with me then? I wasn’t sure I was ready for her anger, but I had to face it.

It was hard to see her eyes. I felt ashamed and dirty, something I hadn’t in a while, and part of me hated her for it.

I thought they could move on from this.

Clearly, I was wrong.

“
Hey.” I tried to start the conversation again, past the lump in my throat. Thank God I was able to speak. She stayed silent, and finally I found the courage to be bold again. “Are you gonna say anything or are you just gonna stay like this for the rest of the visit?”

I got it, she was angry with me.

I preferred she tell me that right to my face.

I hated when people treated me with coldness and silence. I wanted to have everything out on the table.

“
How could you?” Her voice was harsh, accusing, cold, and heated, all at once.

“
I had my reasons, and you know it.” I never expected her to jump into all this right at the moment she came, but I guess we had to deal with it now.

“
Bull-fucking-shit you had reasons. You weren’t alone. You had us. You had the band. We had music. We were all there for you in any way you needed us. How could you? How could you chose drugs and Logan over us?”

“
I didn’t choose anyone over you,” I said quietly, though her voice was loud and we weren’t alone. I didn’t want to look at anyone. They were all about to know my secret now, even Marie was here with them. She must have come because of all the noise. I fisted my hands and tried not to cry out from the pain that brought me. I forgot my hands were sore.

“
That’s a lie! At least have the courtesy to admit you’ve ruined everything.” I did, sort of; but was it fair for her to come down on me like that? If she didn’t want to see me, if I disgusted her so much, why couldn’t she just stay away from me? I knew we had to play together, but she didn’t need to have any encounter with me for it. She could have ignored me completely. I knew her well enough. If she wanted something, she would have it, most of the times.

As much as I knew I fucked up, I expected more from her. We were friends for almost a decade. Didn’t that mean anything?

“
Sam, if you hate me so much, why did you even come?” I looked at her tentatively and noticed how her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed. Her hand rolled into a fist.

She was pissed.

But what else was new?

“
I wanted to see you and ask you that one damned question. To see if you have gotten any better and if you could admit to your mistake. No way in hell would I have you come back when you’re still hiding behind that excuse of yours. The girls have been telling me it’s been three months and all this wasn’t like you in the first place. I came here to ask you why, but you can’t even give me an answer. Apparently, nothing has changed.” She almost spat those words, and no matter how much I knew I deserved it, it still hurt.

I knew with clarity, in this moment, if it was completely up to her, she would exile me and wouldn’t think twice about it.

“
I can’t give you an answer? Or is it that I can’t give you the one answer you want to hear?” She forgot we were best friends; well, to her, probably ex-best friends, but still.

“
You know what I mean. How could you do this to us? I thought we were family.”

“
Sam, it’s me. I’m not Melanie.” She leaned back, shocked that I brought up her sister, but I had to. By the way she glanced at me, with deep hatred and pain, I knew most of it was directed at her sister who took drugs, which led to her death. She was pissed with me, too. Honestly, who wouldn’t be in this situation? But it felt like she was having this conversation with the wrong person.

“
Do not bring her up. Ever. Not anymore. You are just like her. People like you aren’t allowed to talk about it.” People like me? She was shouting, front and center, and I was aware we were the center of attention, but that became the least of my concerns. I’d waited to talk to someone for such a long time. I made progress, and I’d had one of the most beautiful nights in my life with Nate yesterday. Now here she was, trying to ruin it for me? I knew my mistakes. I knew where I went wrong and that I had to face them.

What I didn’t need was judgment and hatred from the girl who was the closest one to me after Nick.

“
What kind of people, Sam? The kind of people who make mistakes? The kind of people who hurt and don’t know how to deal with it? Tell me.”

“
Don’t manipulate the truth like that, like you are the victim. You had us all there, by your side, when you were hurting. We could have helped you.” I shook my head, because it seemed almost impossible to get her to understand me, or my point.

“
You couldn’t have helped me. There was nothing that could have helped me, Sam.”

“
Bullshit! I lost a sister, and I asked for help. I didn’t turn to drugs and make a dirty addict out of myself while jeopardizing everything in my life, and probably making Nick turn in his own grave!” I felt like everything froze inside and around me. Some of the people gasped in shock, but it all seemed far away, like I wasn’t even part of it. What she had just said made me stand up in fury.

“
My brother died! Do you know how that fucking feels? You were ten. You didn’t even know your sister and whatever it was that led her to do was she did. She was probably hurt. I don’t know, but don’t you dare judge her!” I screamed, not giving a shit about the pain in my throat. That made Nate take a step to me, but I moved back. I didn’t need him for this. I wanted to finally fucking say it. “I lost a brother. My brother is dead, do you understand? He is dead, and he is never coming back!”

I screamed those words to her. I saw the shocked and worried expressions on people’s faces, but I didn’t care.

Nicky was dead. Gone forever. He wouldn’t come back. He wouldn’t protect me from anyone. He wouldn’t be there to cheer me up when I was down. He wouldn’t be there to tell me he was proud of me or that I could do better. He would simply never be there again.

The only thing I had of him were memories of us.

“
I live in a world where he no longer exists. Do you know how that feels?” I finally whispered to her as she watched me with remorse and regret. Sam made a move toward me, but I took another step back. No, I didn’t need anyone, and definitely not her. “He won’t be here again. He won’t buy me my favorite juice and won’t tell me to eat more. I don’t have family anymore. He was my only family. The one person who loved me unconditionally, who would have done anything for me. He is gone.” Breathing hard and with tears rapidly falling down my cheeks, I tried to make my chest hurt less with the touch of my hand. God, how much did it hurt to admit the truth? “Do you know what it was like to take those drugs? I had abusive parents. I hated any kind of addiction. This shit though, it allowed me to see him, to listen to his voice. And for a moment, I could pretend everything was okay. Like I wasn’t alone. My brother is gone. Dead. He is dead. My God, Sam, Nicky is gone and he is never coming back, do you hear me?” I sank to my knees, bawling like a child with the acknowledgment that shook me to the core. There was no running away from the truth now, and oddly enough, I didn’t want any drugs. All I felt was deep pain, the pain I wasn’t allowing myself to feel when I lived in a delusional world, pretending he was still there. I didn’t allow myself to grieve, and those were the first, truest tears about the fact he was dead.

There were no hopes left of him coming back.

God, how did people live with this kind of pain?

“
Seriously, dude, you are no fun at all, you know.” Nick rolled his eyes and just looked at me expectantly.

“
Come on, Bella. Grab your coat and let’s go!” I did just that as we left my apartment, which I freaking loved and had I bought with the money I was making with the band. The cash was flowing, and we already had a six-digit bank account, and that felt good. To finally have money that you could spend, knowing you could spend it as you pleased and feel independent . . . there was nothing like it in the world.

Although I followed him, I wasn’t done nagging.

“
I had plans with the girls, you know. I’m turning twenty-one at midnight, and now it’s 11:30 p.m. I wanted to have my first drink, you know, out of curiosity. After all, the girls are legal, and it’s me who is the safe driver after every party. It’s really sad, you know. Almost like not getting laid, but that’s not the case. Thank God. Otherwise, what a boring rocker would I be? No sex, drugs
—
well, in this case, booze
—
and well, I guess I still would have rock ‘n’ roll.” I looked up at him. It seemed like he was about to throw up, while his eyes narrowed in anger..

“
Do me a favor; don’t talk about sex. Especially your sex life, okay?” I grinned. I knew he hated it, but I wanted to get back at him for taking me out to some boring-as-shit bar where he liked to unwind with Megan after a hard day of work, as he described it.

They lived in Brooklyn, renting some cheap apartment. I tried to buy them one many times, but he refused. He didn’t want anything from my money, and that made me respect him even more. I had more money than I could spend, so, of course, I wanted to share it with him. I would find a way at some point to help him eventually.