After breakfast, we came back to the hotel to get dressed. I grabbed a juice out of the refrigerator and then grabbed the bag of Xanax pills and added three pills to my juice. I shook up the juice for about five minutes straight as I puffed on a blunt and I tried not to think too heavily about what lie ahead today. I leaned against the counter and sipped my juice as I smoked my weed. Q walked in and stood across from me and picked up the bag of Xanax that lay on the counter next to my blunt wraps.
“You be fuckin’ around with this dumb shit?” he said as he frowned his face up at me.
I stared into his face and shrugged my shoulders. I couldn’t care less about how anybody felt about what the fuck I did and was doing. Nobody knew how I felt. I had lost my parents, my grandmother, my sister, and now my child, so at this moment, only God could judge me. “Why you worried about it?” I asked.
He put the baggy back down and just looked at me for a second. “Do you know what kind of damage this shit does to your brain and body?” he asked.
“Q, I appreciate the concern but you’re not my daddy nor are you my nigga, so let me do me. Aight?” I grabbed my bottle of juice and walked off to go and get dressed.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I was flying high but I wasn’t ready for this. I grabbed my clutch and took one last glance as I headed out of my room and into the living room to see if Q was ready yet. I had told everybody to wear white; it was a sad day but I didn’t want the gloomy black dress, black suit attire. This wasn’t a traditional funeral and I wanted my son’s life to be celebrated, no matter how short of a time that we had with him. I sat down and powered on my phone and looked through my notifications. I was sad that Lexis wouldn’t be here for the memorial service considering that she was my son’s Godmother. She was fighting this murder case and after talking with her lawyer, I felt a little better about the situation.
The district attorney had at first wanted to charge her with second degree murder but after looking at the evidence, it was looking like her charges would be reduced to voluntary manslaughter. The charge carried a maximum of fifteen years but we were hoping that she would get off with only having to serve the minimum, which was three years. Lexis had a small record so it would be impossible for her to get off without doing any time. Three years would go by fast and she wouldn’t be coming home after missing too much of life. I was glad that through everything, Jizz was standing by her side. He was a good dude and perfect for my girl.
I grabbed my Chanel shades off of the table in the kitchen and placed them on top of my head. Q walked out looking real GQ in some white Polo slacks with a white Polo button down, his burnt orange Hermes belt matched perfectly with the orange Ferragamo loafers. I had to hurry up and turn away because with the drugs and vulnerability I was feeling had my pussy was on fire. I stood up, grabbing my key card and placed it in my clutch.
“You ready?” I asked with my back facing Q. I walked towards the door, not really waiting for an answer.
I walked to Q’s car and waited for him to come down. I tried to take a deep breath to calm my nerves but it wasn’t working so I opened my juice and took a couple of swigs. I planned on smoking a blunt on the way to the cemetery. I didn’t do the limo thing because I felt like there was no immediate family anymore. My uncle and aunt, along with my cousin Tommy were locked up, Lexis was locked up and his father, auntie and uncle were gone. There was no need to rent a limo. I was fine riding passenger in Big Money Q’s plush AMG Benz. I could smoke and relax without feeling like I had to entertain anybody or cater to anyone’s grief other than my own.
My son would be buried on the same burial grounds as his father but in a different garden. Laela, Jah and Tone were all buried in the Garden of Remembrance but I had selected Baby Tone’s plot to be in the Garden of Angels. After the funeral, I had agreed to let Gio and China host the repast at their home. I would much rather go back to my hotel and be alone but I knew that today I would have to face everyone and show my appreciation for their continuous love and support. I didn’t want to push them away but I also needed time to get my mind right. Life would still be going on, no matter how much I felt like my life was over.
M
y son’s funeral was three weeks ago and even though I had returned back to my normal life, I couldn’t pretend like it was easy to wake up every day childless and alone. I was depressed but I wanted to finish up the last quarter of school. I didn’t have the focus to study, though. I had zero focus to do any homework either but I knew that in order to finish this year up without my GPA dropping that I would have to make something happen. So I basically cheated to get by. I had Lo studying with me and I basically had her help me with my homework. I would skip test days claiming to be sick or something and then would get the test answers from this guy named Sherrod; we had all the same classes. I paid him $150 a week for the test answers and he would send me a picture of the test answers and I would schedule a makeup-testing day and use the answers to pass. It was now finals week and I couldn’t do any makeup testing so I had to study and take notes. I had crammed every night and I was confident that I would pass.
Outside of school, I spent most of my time on the block or at random friends’ houses partying and getting loaded. I had recently moved into my new home but I just couldn’t be there like that so I stayed out doing something until I knew that I would go home and just crash. Staying high kept the nightmares away. Molly had become another one of my new friends. Loren had introduced me to the Berkeley party scene and the white girls definitely knew how to have fun. I hadn’t really spent much time with the Squad aside from being on the block and I hadn’t gone over to China and Gio’s house either. It was too hard. Charlie and Baby Tone were only a month and a half apart and it just wasn’t the easiest thing to go over their house seeing Charlie run around and not get teary eyed because my baby wasn’t there running around with her.
Lexis had taken a three year deal. With good behavior, she could be out in a little over two. I was relieved and made sure that her books were always stocked and that she needed for nothing while inside. I hadn’t written her or accepted any calls from her, Rico or my uncle. I just didn’t want to feel the pity. I loved all of them to death but I just hoped that they understood and wouldn’t hold it against me. My thinking and actions about my life probably weren’t the most logical at the moment but for now, I was just living and trying to keep from going crazy. My crews were doing well, the west side crew had handled that little situation with the niggas from the City and Gio, B and Greg had slid on Tay a few nights ago. I was supposed to ride along but I had passed out off Xan juice and missed the call. Gio was pissed but Greg and B never said anything.
I walked out of class from taking my last final and practically ran to my car. Once in my car, I had pulled a blunt from my ashtray and lit it. My nerves were shot and I just needed to smoke. I looked up as I heard a tapping on my window. I hit the unlock button on my car and Lo hopped into the passenger seat.
“Damn, bitch, you couldn’t wait for me before you fired up?” she asked.
“My bad,” I said as I smiled and passed her the blunt.
Lo hit the blunt and I pulled out of the parking lot. I was trying to convince Lo to take a vacation with me. School was now over for the next two months and I needed to get away, so I figured a trip would be just what we needed. Miami was looking real nice right about now but I didn’t want to go alone.
“So are we out or are you going to keep making excuses to why you can’t leave with me?” I asked Lo, momentarily taking my eyes off of the road.
She looked at me and licked her lips. “Fine, man. Yes, I will go. When do we leave?” she asked.
I smiled, ready to leave now. “I will book our flights tonight and we can leave tomorrow. I told the guys that they could go, too,” I said.
She looked at me and frowned. “Well if the niggas are going, then why the fuck you needed me to go so bad?”
I looked at her and shook my head. She could be so jealous sometimes. I didn’t understand how females would be jealous when their friends spent time with other friends, it was so catty but I had gotten used to Loren acting that way. She liked attention and she was very serious about who she called her friends.
I drove to my house and had Lo order us some Chinese food. By the time we got there, the food would be there a couple of minutes later. I figured since Lo was crashing at my place, we could stay in the house, something we rarely did. I was sure that would change before the end of the night, though. I got off on the next exit and was sitting at the light when my phone began to ring. Lo grabbed it and looked at the screen and then handed it to me. It was Q calling me. He had hit me earlier in the week and told me that he wanted to see me but shit, since I had invited him and Dolo on the Miami trip, he could just see me then. I let the call roll over to voicemail and then continued driving.
“So you and Q still talking?” Lo asked, giving me the side eye.
“Me and Q have never been talking. I don’t want that nigga so if you trippin’ and you want him, then be my guest to go for it,” I said. I shook my head. Q was the perfect package and of course, I didn’t want nobody to luck up on him, especially not one of my friends but I sensed Lo was feeling some kind of way. If it meant that much to her, I didn’t mind stepping out of the way.
I wasn’t ready to pursue anything with no nigga any time soon. Losing my son made me want nothing to do with niggas. I just wanted to live my life however I felt at the moment. I didn’t need to be trying to impress no nigga or worry about him judging me or clocking my movements.
Lo laughed out loud. “Bitch, I don’t want that hood ass nigga. He may have a few businesses but he too much for me. I just think you should steer away from him. Maybe your next relationship should be with somebody completely different from what you’re used to. I mean, shit, you never know what you like until you try it.”
I looked at Lo and she was smiling this cheesy ass smile while blowing smoke toward the window. “I’m cool right now, Lo. I don’t want to date for at least another three years. I am still in love with Tone and after losing my son, I don’t think feelings for anybody would be easy to come by.”
We pulled up to my house and I parked my car inside of my garage. I grabbed my book bag and closed the door, locking it with the remote. Lo and I walked through the kitchen and crashed down on the couch. Lo started giving me the latest gossip as I mixed up some juice for us. We laughed and cracked jokes as we smoked another blunt and passed the juice back and forth.
I missed having Lexis around. Her presence was definitely missing when we were clowning. I made a mental note to write her before we went off to Miami tomorrow. Speaking of Miami, I pulled out my laptop and booked flights for five and reserved a four-bedroom villa on Collins Drive. After everything was in place for our trip, I sent everybody a copy of their itinerary. As soon as I had closed my laptop, the doorbell rang. I handed Lo my card and she got up to go pay for our food.
I stood up and slid my jeans off and then took off my shirt. It was time to get comfortable. I was high and ready to eat. I hated being restricted to clothes while I was in the house. Lo walked back in with the food and I walked into the kitchen to grab us plates and silverware. I grabbed two glasses and put ice in both and then walked back into the living room. Lo was staring at me like I had never gotten naked in front of her before. I swear she was a little weird but I loved her crazy ass.
“Damn, bitch, you got yo eyes all in my coochie,” I said and threw a fortune cookie at her.
“Girl, please cover that big ass shit up if you don’t want nobody looking.”
We laughed and began piling food on our plates. I knew I wouldn’t want to go nowhere tonight so I got comfortable and started a season of
Pretty Little Liars
. I looked at my phone and ignored another call from Q. I would call him in the morning before we go to the airport.
W
e were rushing through the airport trying to make it to our gate. Our flight was already boarding so we were hauling ass through the terminal. I had already talked to the guys and they were on the plane waiting on us. Fucking around last night, Lo and I ended up waking up late. Our flight was at 1:35 p.m. and we didn’t wake up until after 11. Soon as we got to our gate, I was winded. I stopped and put my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath. Once Lo was next to me, we gave the agent our tickets and then boarded our plane. I checked my seat number and I was seated right next to Q in the middle of him and Lo.
I couldn’t wait to land in Miami. I just needed to get away. I sat down next to Q and he leaned into me, smelling like heaven itself. “Duck and dodge a nigga again and you going to have to see me about something,” he said, whispering in my ear.
I laughed as I leaned my head back against the seat. “Yeah, okay.” I didn’t feel like talking, I was high off of a couple of pills and I just wanted to sleep for this long ass flight. Lo was on one side of me talking about nothing and Q was on the other side trying to rub all up on my thigh while whispering silly shit in my ear. They were both trying to keep my attention but all they were doing was blowing my high.
I leaned over to Q and whispered in his ear, “Quit trying to rub all up on me. When the stewardess comes order me a vodka and cranberry.” I lay my head back, tuned their asses out and went to sleep.
***
It was our third day in Miami and we had been faded since before we stepped off of the plane. We would be leaving tomorrow so tonight we were hitting a few spots and ending our night at King Of Diamonds and we planned to throw a couple of stacks. I was in the mirror doing my hair and makeup while Lo was dancing around the suite doing the most. I leaned in so that I could finish my makeup. My hand was shaking so I reached over and grabbed the blunt that was sitting on the bathroom sink. I lit the blunt and hit it twice. I threw my head back and blew the smoke toward the ceiling. I was high as shit and ready to go party.