“Okay, cool,” E said as she waved bye to Jahlisa who was paying her no mind.
I walked around to the driver side and slid into my seat, fastening my seatbelt before pulling off. Once I was back on the road, I was lost in my thoughts. I hadn’t even turned the music on. I looked at both babies through the rearview mirror and they were both sound asleep, oblivious to the world around them. Waking up this morning was harder than I thought. The days leading up to today had me on edge and my anxiety was high, but the moment I opened my eyes this morning, the tears were nonstop. It was hard on my heart knowing that I had lived a full year without them in my life. I felt like I was betraying them every day because I was leaving them in the past. A year meant they were gone for good and never coming back. People loved to tell you that the pain gets better as time goes by but at this very moment, the pain seemed worse than when it first happened. I didn’t expect anybody to understand my pain because it was my pain and I allowed others to grieve as they pleased, so I expected the same courtesy.
Our time at the cemetery had gone by quickly and it was nearing 5 p.m. We had started the memorial at one and it lasted four hours with food, drinks, weed and lots of love. It was good seeing everybody come out to celebrate the lives of my family.
I was changing Baby Tone’s diaper while Greg was holding a sleepy Jahlisa when I was approached by an older woman. She was tall and brown skinned with salt and pepper hair that hung over her shoulder in one long French braid. I watched as she walked towards us with a slight smile on her face. I had never met this woman before but she had a familiar presence about her. I finished putting Baby Tone’s clothing back on and laid him across my lap as I wiped around his neck and talked baby talk to him, still watching the woman who was now directly in front of us.
“Hello, Jaeda?” she asked extending her hand.
“Umm, yes, and you are?” I asked, curious about who this woman was and how she knew my name. My first thought was that she was the police and I had a million random thoughts of what this could be concerning.
“I apologize. I’m Tracy. I’m, umm, well, I’m Antonio’s mother,” she said, waiting for me to respond but actually I had none.
Tone had rarely ever talked about her. All I really knew about her was that she was serving a 22 year prison term and Tone hadn’t seen or heard from her since he was about seven years old. His mother and father had gone down in the early 90s for drug trafficking and distribution. They were kind of a big deal on the streets of San Francisco back then but had been caught up in drug deal gone wrong and were convicted and sentenced. At the time, Tone was about two years old and was taken in by his aunt. About 5 years into their sentence, Tone’s father was killed inside and that was the last time he had seen or heard from either of his parents. I think he’d kind of just written his mother off just as he felt she did him because he had never showed any emotion behind her absence.
I looked at Greg and then back at Tracy. I didn’t really know what to say. I wondered when had she gotten out and I really wanted to know why she’d shown up here today of all days. Tone hadn’t heard from her in years and she had never reached out to him so why did she feel the need to reach out to me now that he was dead and gone?
“I’m not sure what Tone had told you about me.”
“Not much,” I stated matter-of-factly.
“I deserve that,” she said, fiddling with her hands as she stared at Baby Tone in my lap. “Look, Jaeda, I know you don’t know me from a hole in the wall but I would like to meet up and talk soon. I missed Antonio’s entire childhood running behind a nigga and landed myself in prison but I don’t want to miss out on my grandchild’s life,” She said with tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
My heart went out to her because I felt the sincerity in her words as she stood there. I knew that there was more to the story than what I knew so I nodded my head and exchanged numbers with her, promising to call her in the next couple of days.
Once she walked off, I turned to Greg. “Blood, what the fuck was that?” I asked and he shrugged his shoulders. I’m guessing he was just as puzzled as I was. I picked up the baby and placed him in his car seat and then grabbed both his and Jahlisa’s bags and took them over to Gio who was standing next to his car talking. I opened the trunk, placing the bags inside and then walked back to my truck to grab the baby.
“Greg, can you go put Jahlisa in Gio’s car, please?” I asked as I grabbed the infant seat and walked over to Gio’s car.
Once they were in, I kissed both of them on the cheek and closed the door. I turned around, facing Gio. “So I see you had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Tracy,” he said and I nodded my head.
“We exchanged numbers. I don’t know how to address the situation. I want answers because I feel like it will allow Tone’s soul to finally be at peace and I don’t want to keep Baby Tone from her, but it was weird,” I said, staring at Gio.
“I say take it one day at a time with her. Get to know her and then determine how you want to deal with her,” said Gio. I nodded my head and kissed his cheek. “Have a good date, see u later little sis.”
I waved and hopped in my truck.
I pulled up to the house and Chris was already sitting out front. I liked that about him. He was always a man of his word, even down to the smallest things. If he said he was going to be somewhere or do something, then that’s what he did. I hopped out of my truck and walked over to the driver’s side window and tapped on it lightly. Chris was leaned back in his seat with his eyes closed and right arm draped over his face. He looked over at me and I smiled as he opened the door and got out to stretch. I laughed as he threw his body over mine and gave me a rough hug.
“What’s good, beautiful?” he asked as we walked into my house.
“Not much, just trying to get through the day.” I placed my phone and purse on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. The day had taken a lot out of me; the tears, the laughter and just everything that comes along with death had drained me. I had thought about canceling my plans with Chris earlier but I had been catting off on him for a minute now so I sucked it up and kept my plans.
“You’re changing your clothes, right?” Chris asked, interrupting my thoughts.
I looked at him and raised my eyebrow. “Well, yeah. I was going to change but is there a problem with what I have on? I thought we were doing go kart racing?” I asked.
I had peeped the tinge of jealousy in Chris’ voice and I shrugged it off and talked myself out of catching an attitude. I knew he was asking because I had on an all-white blazer with a huge picture of Tone and I on the back and pictures of Laela, Jah and Sage on the front. I mean, of course I wasn’t going to wear my old boyfriend’s face while out with another man but the way he asked had me in my feelings.
I got up from the couch and brushed past Chris. He tried to grab my hand but I snatched it away and headed upstairs. “Give me a minute,” I threw over my shoulder with a roll of my eyes.
After running around the cemetery all day, I decided to take a quick shower. I went into my closet and grabbed a pair of Aeropostale jeans with a plain white baby tee shirt and a yellow blazer paired with the Laney Jordan 5s. We were going to the speed racing track so I wanted to be comfortable but I also wanted to be cute. Once I got in the shower, I relaxed. I had to give myself a personal pep talk.
I couldn’t let the things that people said affect me. I knew that Chris would never understand my feelings and there would be things that my heart felt that nobody would understand. I had to tread lightly because I knew that men let their egos get in the way of common sense sometimes.
I finished my shower and dried off before applying some Beautiful Day body butter by Bath and Body Works. I threw on my clothes and headed downstairs. Once I walked into the living room, Chris had handed me a shot of 1800 that I gladly accepted. I had stopped breastfeeding about a month ago so I was now able to smoke and drink freely. I took my shot and we headed out the door.
I was having so much fun. I hadn’t been free and out in a year and it felt good to be out having fun and not consumed with grief or stress. Chris was hella competitive but I liked it. We did 19 laps around the speed track and Chris came in 1
st
place but I had come in 4
th
. I just was glad to be having fun. Now I was ready to eat something and just get a little bonding time in.
I had really grown to like Chris over the last few months, I wasn’t trying to be anything more than friends at the moment and I had voiced that to him in our conversations. Chris was pretty understanding but I knew that no guy was just going stick around forever, especially when they weren’t getting anything out of it. Chris was definitely boyfriend material but I wasn’t trying to rush anything.
I came out the bathroom and met Chris at the exit of the building. We could have eaten something there but I didn’t really want to. It was loud and open and I wanted something quiet and cozy. I really wanted some jambalaya from California Pizza Kitchen so that’s where we were headed. Our drive over was pretty quiet. We had made limited small talk but nothing too heavy. We got to the restaurant and were seated within 20 minutes.
I looked up, feeling Chris’ eyes on me as I was texting Gio checking in on the babies. I let Gio that I would be there in an hour and a half and then put my phone away. “What you looking at, sucka?” I asked, throwing a balled up napkin at him.
“Don’t start nothing you can’t finish,” he said, throwing the napkin back.
I laughed and took a sip from my strawberry-lime margarita. “So, Christian, what do you want from me? I mean, you call and text me all day and night and you have never asked for sex or anything more, so what are you looking for?” I asked, getting straight to the point, probably feeling my alcohol a little more than I thought.
He chuckled a little. Chris was sexy as hell. He was tall and brown skinned with deep, piercing eyes. His hair was always on point with a crisp line up and his beard, Lord, his beard had me ready to just throw away all my inhibitions. But I remained cool and calm as he displayed his pearly whites. “Why I got to want something from you, though? Why I just can’t like you and enjoy your company?” he asked.
“Because nothing in life is free, that’s why. Everybody wants something,” I said as the waitress came and set our food down in front of us.
I had ordered the fettuccini jambalaya and Chris had ordered the fish tacos. We ate a little before we continued our conversation.
“What do you want from me then? You said everybody wants something, so tell me what you want?” Chris said, looking up from his plate.
I thought for a second. I was always so concerned with what Chris wanted from me but I had never stopped to think what I may have wanted from him. Chris didn’t know much about my past and I didn’t feel obligated to share it with him either. He didn’t know that I was a young, paid, ex-street hustler. Chris just thought that I was a spoiled girlfriend that was left with the spoils of my deceased boyfriend. He didn’t know that I still made thousands weekly from investments and that I had over a million dollars in offshore accounts.
“I just want loyalty, friendship and somebody to chill with. Nothing too deep. I don’t really want love or a relationship. Just be who you been,” I said as I stared into his face.
“That’s bullshit!”
I looked up, shocked at the tone that Chris used. “Huh?” I asked.
“I said that’s bullshit. Females always talking that shit about not wanting love and all that dumb shit but everybody wants to be loved.” He stared at me for a moment. “Sometimes you just have to take a chance and trust somebody. How long you going to be hung up on somebody that ain’t never coming back?” he asked.
I tried to hold back my emotions but who was he to put a time limit on how long I held on to the past? I didn’t even respond to Chris’ statement. I excused myself to the restroom and took a couple of deep breaths. This was the second time tonight that Chris had made a reference to my feelings about Tone and I didn’t understand how somebody that was right here could be so worried about a man that was dead and gone. I pulled out my phone and texted Gio that I was on my way and after I handled my business, I left the restroom and returned to the table.
Once I sat back down, I saw that Chris had paid the bill and had our plates packaged up. He had also ordered me a salted caramel pudding to go. I smiled because when I was looking at the dessert menu, I’d kept going back and staring at it but I had never decided if I had wanted it or not.
“Thank you,” I said as I grabbed my food and purse and we got up to leave.
We walked out the restaurant and Chris stepped in front of me and stopped me in mid step. “I hope I didn’t make you feel some type of way in there. If I did, then I apologize but I just want you to open up to me and quit trying to block me out because I could really be good for you,” he said, grabbing my hand. “I am willing to take shit slow with you. I want to make you my girl but there’s no rush. But if that’s not what you want now or even in the future, then tell me because we can just be friends. I ain’t no ugly nigga, baby. I get hoes,” he said while rubbing his hand across his waves and giving me a sexy grin.
I laughed at his cockiness. “Boy, knock it off. We good. I get a little sensitive but I get over it. Just keep doing what you’re doing these walls are slowly coming down,” I said as I grabbed his hand and we continued walking towards the car.
All in all, I’d enjoyed our date and I could see myself spending a lot more personal time with Chris. I wasn’t ready for sex but on some real shit, I was horny as hell. Once I got the babies settled in and they were sleep, I would be giving my rabbit a little quality time. I didn’t really care for vibrators and dildos but I wasn’t ready to make a sexual connection with another man at this time in my life.
Tone was my first everything. I was only 18 years old and I had only been with him. The love, the sex, the bond was all new to me and he was the only nigga I’d had ever felt anything with. Yeah, I had liked guys before. Had even chilled with a few before me and Tone’s relationship, but that was it. At the moment, my mind, body and heart still belonged to Tone, but it was complicated because now it was like my heart and life were on standby. It was in the hands of somebody that could do nothing with it. Tone was gone and never coming back so I knew I had to let go sooner or later and possibly let Chris in or somebody eventually, but now I still wasn’t ready.