Gio and his now fiancée China were expecting their first child and I was so appreciative of everything he had done for my sister and I but I didn’t want him to continue to handle too many things for me, especially since Jah was gone. He assured me that we would always be family and he would always be there for the baby and me but I felt like I just needed to rebuild myself to become the best parent that I could be for my child. I still had the property that Uncle Ken had gifted us the night of the accident. I would keep my and Laela’s homes but I was leaving it up to Gio and Uncle Ken about what to do with Tone and Jah’s property.
I could do this little time a little easier knowing that I had nothing to worry about when I touched down. The hardest part of life for me was ignoring the sinking feeling that I got in the morning when I woke up after I realized that being in Tone’s arms was a dream, that hearing Laela’s voice was just a part of the tricks my mind still played on me and being able to chill with Jah again would only be able to be done if my eyes were closed. I experienced nights where I prayed for death to take me because I couldn’t bear to be forcefully snatched away from them in the transition of sweet dreams to nightmares. I had so many bad days where the guards had to force me to come out for visits or for a meal because I was so deep into my depression that the very thought of never seeing Laela again made me vomit uncontrollably. But knowing that I had people in the world that still loved me helped to mend some of the pieces of my heart and every time I felt the flutter of my child in my stomach, I remembered that I was a survivor and I would be damned if I let them pay the price for my sins. I would be out of jail a month before my due date so I needed to remain healthy so that I wouldn’t onset pre-term labor and end up delivering my child in jail.
I lay on my cot and stared at the wall. There were pictures of the Squad all together, just hanging on the block, and I had some of me and Laela when we were younger and also pictures of Baby Jahlisa. My eyes landed on the pictures from Sage’s funeral and then the pictures from prom. I wondered had we decided not to go to prom like Laela and I had discussed after Sage’s death if they still be alive. They say that if it’s your time to go that there is no way to avoid it but I just wonder sometimes if the outcome would have been different had we stayed home; like maybe God took them on accident. I cried silent tears as I drifted off to sleep. The familiar feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach returned and embraced it like a long lost friend.
T
oday was the day I was to be released from the hall and I was relieved to be over it all. Four months among a bunch of catty ass, bum ass bitches was enough for me. I couldn’t understand how career criminals did this shit. Them hoes came into the hall and it was like a reunion for some of them. They would have just gotten out 30 days ago and be right back inside like it wasn’t shit. That shit was dumb as hell and I wanted no parts of it.
I sat on my cot big as a house and talked to one of the girls I had been cool with during my time in here. I hadn’t made too many associates while I was in here but I had run into this girl named April that I had met at a party a while back with Sage. She and Sage were first cousins and we had clicked in here. She was real cool and had about another month before she would be released.
I watched as April braided this girl named Neka’s hair, the broad looked hella familiar but I couldn’t place her face. Neka had just gotten here a couple of days ago. She was a loudmouthed hoodrat with a staring problem and she got a pass only because I was hella pregnant. It was taking everything in me not to take off on this hoe as she kept eyeing me while getting her hair braided.
“So have you thought about what you will name the baby?” April asked as she looked up from the braid that she was finishing up.
“Yeah. Antonio Jr. for a boy or Laelani Antonia for a girl.” I wasn’t sure what I was having yet and I wouldn’t know until I got out and went to the OB/GYN. I had an appointment already scheduled for next week.
“Aww, that’s cute. Antonio and Antonia. I used to fuck with this guy named Antonio,” Neka said while looking up at me as she started laughing to herself. “Matter fact, the last time I saw him, we had a quickie in the bathroom at prom. He wanted to fuck but I didn’t want to mess up my dress.” She smacked her lips like the ghetto bitch she was. “It was good we didn’t, though, because soon as I left out the bathroom, his girlfriend hit the corner. That was my boo for like two years but he was killed the same night.”
I jumped off my cot with lightning speed and slapped the shit out of her. This was the same bitch I had fought at the lake hella long ago when Tone and I first started talking. I was furious that she had the nerve to even speak my man’s name, especially now that he was dead and gone. I was mad at myself for not even peeping who the bitch was from the gate, but I was even more pissed at Tone because I knew that what she was saying was probably somewhat true.
April hopped off her cot and stepped between us before I could swing again. “Jae, you pregnant. If you want this hoe head, I’ll take the fade for you.”
April turned around and punched Neka in her face and then snatched her by the hair and then began to beat her ass. I was standing there trying my best not to jump in and snatch her head right out of April’s hands. She was already getting her ass beat but I still kicked her a couple times just out of anger. After a couple of minutes, the bunk was swarmed with guards that rushed April and Neka, tackling both girls to the floor.
Once the girls were both apprehended, the guards began to escort both of them out of the cell as the whole pod stood around watching. April passed me in cuffs and winked at me. I smiled back. As the guards stopped at the steps while Neka was spitting blood into the trashcan, April was passing her and once she got within reach, she landed a kick to Neka’s side that caused her to fall to the ground.
“On my dead cousin hoe, I’m gon’ stomp yo ass on sight every time I see you, dirty ass bitch!” April yelled before the guards dragged her out of the pod.
I returned to my bunk pissed the fuck off. I mean, yeah, a nigga was going to be a nigga regardless but damn, to know that another bitch had even touched my nigga the night that he passed hurt me to the core. As I remembered the night of prom, I was madder at myself for being so dumb.
I had to pee hella bad as I was dancing on the dance floor with Lexis and Laela. We had been drinking all day so I had to pee constantly. I whispered in Laela’s ear and told her I was going to the bathroom and would be back. She nodded and asked if I wanted her to go with me and I said no. I looked to where Tone and Jah were sitting but neither of them were still sitting there. As I looked around, I spotted Jah talking to some of the guys on the football team but I still didn’t see Tone. I had to pee, so I rushed to the bathroom, running directly into Neka.
“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry,” I said as I looked back at Neka as I was rushing down the hall.
She looked back and blew me a kiss. I didn’t know what that was about but girls could sometimes be creepier than guys. Once I got to the bathrooms, I noticed Tone coming out of the men’s restroom. I ran right past him so that I could relieve my bladder before I peed on myself.
Once I came out of the bathroom, Tone was standing there looking at his phone. “Hey babe, where you been?” I asked as I glanced at his phone screen. I couldn’t see who he was messaging but I did notice that he had just deleted something from his phone. I shrugged it off as he bent down and kissed my lips.
“Shit, using the bathroom. My stomach was just all fucked up but I’m straight now, babe,” he said, rubbing his stomach.
I hesitated for a moment with a strange feeling but shrugged it off. We walked back into the ballroom of the hotel and I noticed the girl I had bumped into eyeing me from a distance. I was tipsy and determined to enjoy my night so I paid her no mind and continued to turn up.
“Johnson, get your things and report to the guards’ station,” the guard had called my name and I quickly grabbed my things and waited for the door on my cell to pop.
I was finally about to blow this spot and it was bittersweet because it was easier in here day to day but I knew it would be a challenge on the streets to keep my head. I hadn’t been in the outside world since the accident. My everyday life had changed and there would be no more hugging the block, no more spending nights at Tone’s house. All the things that I was used to had been snatched from me violently within the blink of an eye and I had to readjust to life.
My 18
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birthday was in two weeks and I didn’t want to celebrate it at all. I still had people that I knew loved me but at the end of the day, they would never replace my sister or even Tone and Jah. Jah was the brother that I never had and I would give anything to have any of them back.
Once I was processed out, I walked out and grabbed the little belongings that I had and headed out the front doors. My Uncle Ken had wanted to come and get me but I told him that I already had a ride set up. He had actually been really comforting while I had been down. I thought that he would be upset that I was leaving the streets alone but he actually was understanding and was accepting of letting the remaining members of Gas Squad run the blocks that we already had. Since the accident, they had been keeping everything afloat and that meant a lot.
I looked around and spotted Greg standing next to an all-black 2014 Maserati Quattroporte. The shit was nice and I shook my head because Greg was always trying to be the flyest nigga out. I waddled towards him as fast as I could.
“Oh my God, I missed you so much, brother!” I said as I squeezed him as hard as my big belly would let me.
“I missed yo big, fat ass too, sis. The fuck you carrying in there, a Maybach?” We laughed together.
“Shit, I know you ain’t talking, pulling up to these white people’s jailhouse in a damn Masi, flexxin’ ass,” I said as I smacked him upside his head. He helped me in the car and I sat back as my ass melted into the buttery soft seats. The interior was the color of red wine and the deep burgundy was sexy as hell on this car. I was feeling this whip.
“I’m fake flexxin’, sis. This ain’t even my shit. I was just test driving it for a friend,” he said as he slid into the driver’s seat.
I looked at him with a raised an eyebrow. “Well, that friend must be paid pushing a whip like this around the town.”
“She is,” he said, turning the radio up and letting Fetty Wap’s voice pump through the car.
I thought about what my next move was from here. I’d had a plan before I even stepped out of the hall but now, being home, I felt so unsure of life. I had given Lexis my debit card and had her and my cousins Tamia and Jamiya decorate my townhome for me. I basically told them what colors I wanted and let them do their thing. No matter how much my cousins and I used to clash before, I could really say that when I needed them, they were there. They both had a good eye for all things fashion, from hair and makeup to clothes and interior design, so I knew that I could trust them to hook my spot up. I was the owner of a four bedroom, two and a half bath townhome with a two-car garage that had a decent sized backyard and was in the same community as the other members of Gas Squad. The community was pretty large so it wasn’t like we would be next door neighbors but we were pretty darn close to it. I felt good with having Greg, B and Lexis close to me, especially with the baby coming soon.
Greg reached over and turned the music down. “Where to, Miss Daisy?” he asked, being funny.
“Can you take me to the cemetery or do you have things to do?” I asked.
“Sis, this your car. I’m just the driver for the day.”
My mouth dropped open. “Yo lying ass said this was your friend’s car!” I yelled.
He laughed and stepped on the gas as we entered the freeway and the luxury car glided into the fast lane. “Calm down, killa. Are we not friends? Are you not paid? Okay then. I told no lies.” I sat back with a huge smile on my face. “Just think of this as an early 18
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birthday present from the Squad. You said you didn’t want anything so we all put in and copped this for you to ride like the boss that you are.” He rubbed my shoulder and I turned the music back up as I held back tears.
The ride to the cemetery was long and quiet; I guess both of us were in our feelings and thoughts. I had powered up my phone out of my property bag during the drive and I was sick, I rubbed my belly as my baby began to move around wildly. I stared at pictures from prom night. We were so happy and unaware that these would be the last memories that we would ever have together. I couldn’t believe that after all the tossing and turning of the truck and the impact of both crashes that my phone didn’t have a scratch on it. I guess it was God’s way of making sure that I still had the memories. I pulled up my text messages and couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. My phone had died earlier that night so I never had a chance to see the message that Tone had sent me while we were in the car.
Tone:
Jae Money, I feel like the luckiest nigga in the world rite now. To know that u are carrying my seed is like the best news I ever had. I may not be the perfect nigga but I swear u make me want to be everything that I can be but this baby make me feel like Superman. I swear from this moment on I will always be with you. Even if I’m dead and gone just know I always got u and my junior. Lol. Yup, junior. I love u babe, I’m gon beat that prego pussy up wen we get home.
My heart dropped. I didn’t have any words because my baby would never get to hear his daddy’s voice, never see his face and never ever feel the love that he had for him. My father had loved my sister and me dearly. I remember being really young and listening to him singing to us as we sat on his lap at night. His voice was still instilled in my heart and I could hear it plain as day. Even after the drugs came and stole away our parents, my sister and I had been the most precious things to them and I hated that my child would never experience the love from his father.