Another Man's Baby (14 page)

“I was thinking of having a cookout, inviting everyone from the office,” Gabi lied, having just thought of it on the spot. She shrugged her shoulders. “I shouldn’t have called Jamilla on Mr. Rivers. Maybe it’s up to me to make amends.” She glanced expectantly at Tracie.

“You can try. But if you’re hoping Jamilla will have a conscience and keep her hands away from your husband, I’d say that’s a long shot.”

What Gabi was hoping was that Eric would keep his hands off Jamilla. She wanted to remind him that Jamilla was her friend.

“Having the party is not all about Jamilla. I need some normalcy in my life. I need a party, I need to have some fun.”

This time when Gabrielle smiled, she meant it. She had not thought about how much she needed fun until the words came out. A party might not be the thing to fix her marriage but she was sure hoping it helped her state of mind.

The moment they were back in the office she went to her co-workers and invited them for a weekend cookout. When she told Jamilla there was a moment’s hesitation.

“You sure you want me to come?” Jamilla asked. “You’ve been treating me funny for weeks.”

“I’m sorry if you thought that. And yes, I want you to come.” Gabi grinned. “We’re friends, I don’t care what anyone thinks.” Something flickered in Jamilla’s eyes and she stared at Gabi.

“You don’t care what anyone thinks about what?”

“Nothing, I just meant we’re friends.” Jamilla gave her another strange look.

“Remember, Gabi, a dog that will bring a bone will carry one. It’s not always the hoochie you have to watch out for around your man. It’s the old bats that pretend they’re so sanctimonious, the ones who want to make you think butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths.”

Gabi saw Jamilla glaring in Tracie’s direction and knew she was aware of their trip to the store.

“Chill, Jamilla, no one’s said anything. I just want to have a party, and I want to thank you for getting me through the year Eric was gone. You were a good friend,” she said moving closer, hugging Jamilla and noticing Jamilla didn’t hug her back. “Can you come?” she asked as she backed away.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there. With bells on,” Jamilla  added.

A sinking feeling settled around Gabi’s heart as she walked away telling herself that Eric would not disrespect her by going after Jamilla.
But Jamilla will go after him.
The words surged through her mind. The thought to cancel the party came to her but Gabi released it. She really was in need of a party.

***

It had been a long week waiting for the party. Instead of tension decreasing at work it had increased. Now Tracie was also avoiding her. Gabi couldn’t help wondering from time to time about Jamilla’s words. She couldn’t help wondering if maybe it was Tracie who was lusting after Eric. Sure, Tracie was twenty years older, but what did that matter? Jamilla could be right.

Now Gabi stood in the middle of her home and surveyed it, making sure all was as it should be. She had enough food and drinks to feed three offices. She smiled. The house was pretty and she was in a festive mood. Eric hadn’t  given her as much resistance as she’d expected. In fact, he’d invited several of the guys from the base and even Sergeant Ross and his wife.

When the first guest arrived Gabi’s spirits lifted and continued in that vein with each new arrival. The music and laughter were just what she needed. She mentally patted herself on the back, glad she’d thought of it.

When she heard Jamilla and Tracie’s voices, she was ready for them. Opening the door she could feel her smile slide down her face as her eyes opened wide. She did a double take, tried not to gawk and couldn’t quite cut it.

“What?” Jamilla asked.

“Nothing, nice outfit,” Gabi answered, moving aside to allow them to enter.

“Thanks.” Jamilla turned and in spite of the music the room went silent for a moment as everyone took in Jamilla’s outfit: hot pink daisy dukes and a hot pink halter top that had to be three sizes too small. The boob job Jamilla had gotten two years before was working overtime. More of her breasts were pushed out of the small square of material than was covered. She was so damn close to being naked that Gabi wondered if her home could be raided by the police for indecent exposure.

“Hey, you two,” Eric said, coming to stand alongside her. “Want a drink?” he asked. Then he stood back, gave Jamilla a once-over, stopped, looked again and smiled. “That’s some outfit, Jamilla,” he said softly and Jamilla beamed. Tracie threw Gabi a look that screamed I-told-you- so.

So maybe the party wasn’t such a good idea. Gabi lifted a bottle of beer from the tray Eric was carrying. He looked at her for a moment but didn’t comment. He knew she never drank beer. She thought it smelled like urine. Now Gabi twisted the top and brought the bottle to her lips. She turned from her husband and brought the bottle down. It still smelled like urine.

For the next three hours Gabi did her best to ignore Jamilla trying to press up on her husband every chance she got. To anyone else the party was a rip-roaring success. Everyone was laughing, joking, eating, drinking and having a good time, even Eric. Gabi couldn’t remember hearing him laugh that much since before the war. She wanted him to laugh, only she wanted him to laugh with her.

Walking toward Eric to see if she could coax a dance out of him she paused when she saw Jamilla bump into him. He’d just picked up a fresh batch of pina coladas that Mike had made. The bump was deliberate. If Jamilla’s jutting hip hadn’t told her that much, the smirk on her face when she saw Gabi watching her did.

“Eric,” Jamilla screamed, “you got liquor all over me. You put it on me, now get it off.” Mike relieved Eric of the tray and handed him a towel.

As Eric’s hand move to swipe the sweet drink from Jamilla’s barely concealed flesh, Gabi stepped between them and snatched the towel away. She glared at Eric and Jamilla before tossing the towel to Jamilla. “You’re a big girl,” Gabi hissed, “I think you can take care of that by yourself.” She turned back to glare at her husband. “I need you in the kitchen.”

Eric grinned as he followed the sway of Gabi’s hips into the kitchen. He’d been thinking all evening how good it was for the two of them to be throwing a party. This one was a success in more ways than one. Eric had been unable to take his eyes off his wife the entire night. Every time she came into view he got an instant erection. He wanted her so bad his teeth ached. Too bad it took a party to do that. But he wasn’t going to complain; anything that got him over the hump was welcomed.

“What are you doing?” Gabi snapped the moment they were in the kitchen.

He looked at her, his mouth watering at the sight of her breasts jiggling a little as she poked a finger in his face. He took her finger and kissed it. “What’s up, baby?” he said, patting her behind. “Aren’t you having fun?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Are you kidding me? Stop flirting with Jamilla.”

“Jamilla, please, it’s you I want, baby,” he said, pulling her close, nuzzling her neck. “But it makes me feel good to know you’re jealous.” He slapped her behind and laughed going out the kitchen.

She couldn’t believe it; he thought she was kidding. It was time for this party to come to an end. Gabi went back to the front of the house, turned off the music, and began emptying plates. When the guests started drifting in to see what had happened to the music, she began handing them their belonging, hugging them and telling them how glad she  was they’d come.

“What’s up, baby?” Eric came to stand beside her.

“Party’s over,” she replied between clenched teeth.

“Good,” he smiled and began helping with the cleanup.
So, Gabi is as anxious as I am to make love
, he thought. He stared at her behind for a full five seconds before turning away. He was rock hard. It was good that she was kicking everyone out.

“Is that for me?” Jamilla looked down at Eric’s crotch, pressing herself close to him, hugging him and kissing each cheek.

Eric followed her line of vision and grinned. “Nope, that’s for Gabi,” he whispered, then laughed out loud. “Good seeing you tonight.”

The last guest gone, Eric locked the door, then walked slowly behind Gabi, his arms sliding up her hips, her body sending heat flooding through his veins. He was hot. It had been way too long.

Mercy, he thought, grinding his pelvis against the round mound of Gabi’s behind. When she turned in his arms he stopped short. The look in her eyes wasn’t one of love or lust; it was fury. When she took a step back, he knew what was coming but was too late to prevent it.

Whack!

Eric’s hand came up and he rubbed at his cheek. Gabi had slapped him so hard that he was positive his teeth were loose. Besides that, his ears were ringing. “What was that for?” he asked, not pretending ignorance. He really didn’t know.

“Are you really that stupid or you just plain don’t give a damn about hurting me anymore?” Gabrielle shouted somewhat incoherently.

“What are you talking about?”

“You. You were all up on Jamilla and you got an erection. I saw her looking at it and you grinning like a fool at her.”

“Baby, you’ve got it all wrong. I swear it wasn’t like that. I’ve been thinking about you all evening, wanting to make love to you. I could barely wait until everyone left. That’s for real.”

“If you think you’re touching me tonight I know you’re crazy.”

“Don’t you want me?” Eric stared at her, shock going through him. What had happened here?

She walked away, giving him a look of disgust, as if he were the lowest form of life on the planet. When he heard the lock click on their bedroom door, he tried to see things from Gabi’s side and shook his head. Women! There was no making them happy. Gabi was hurt when he wouldn’t touch her and now she was angry when he wanted to. Damn, he was not in the mood for begging.

“Gabi,” he yelled, running up the stairs. “Come on, open up, baby. Please listen to me. Don’t shut me out,” he begged, “It wasn’t what you thought.”

“Go to hell,” was the only answer he got back. And hell was where he already was.

             
ANOTHER
MAN
’S BABY
             
229

Chapter
Twelve

When Eric woke his wife was gone. Though he called out, he knew from the empty feel of the house that Gabi wasn’t in it. It wasn’t as though either of them had to go in to work. It was Sunday, the day they used to spend lying in bed and making love.

He groaned, wondering when his marriage had degenerated into what it now was. He would never have believed this would happen to them. Eric showered and dressed, skipping the coffee Gabi had made, turning the pot off instead. When she was this pissed, he didn’t think it wise to drink anything until he talked to her.

***

When Gabi returned she’d sought refuge in their bedroom. She wasn’t ready to face her husband but now it was becoming downright silly. She’d made lunch and now was forced by hunger to sit in her husband’s presence. They sat across each other at the table barely speaking. Gabi could tell that Eric was trying not to look at her and it was breaking her heart. She didn’t know if it was because he was sorry or guilty. She couldn’t tell.

“Where were you?” Eric finally asked.

“Church.”

“Church?”

“Church,” Gabi answered. “Don’t look so surprised. I went a few times while you were gone.”

Eric’s eyes closed and he groaned, rubbing his head as if that would make the situation better. “What’s happening to us?” he asked finally. “Are we still in love?”

“I am,” Gabi said so softly that he had to strain to hear her. And Eric noticed that she said it as though she were afraid she was the only one in love. What had he done to her? He hated his actions. Though part of him wanted her to leave and find someone who could help her fulfill her dreams of a family, a larger part of him would never be able to bear it if she did.

She was watching him with the oddest expression on her face. Then he noticed the lone tear roll down her cheek. “Don’t do that, baby,” he whispered, going to her, falling on his knees and pressing his head against her chest. He felt the trembling of her body and looked at her. Instead of the one tear, there was now a flood.

“I love you, Gabi, forgive me, baby.”

“Are you sleeping with Jamilla?”

“No.”

“Are you cheating on me?”

“No.”

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” He wiped the tears from her eyes, kissing her face, her nose, her eyes and finally her lips.

“Talk to me please. I feel so alone,” Gabi whispered.

“I know and I wish I could tell you everything. I feel so dirty, Gabi, so inhuman, I wonder how on this green earth I deserve to have you. I should have died in
Iraq
. I should have never come home. I’ve done nothing but hurt you since I returned.”

“Don’t ever say that. I would have died too if you had not come back.”

“But you’re dying now. You’re slowly dying a little every day. I can see it and I know I’m doing it to you.  I want to stop. You have no idea the lectures I’ve given myself. Each time I leave this house with you in tears, I swear I’m going to stop it. Then I have to go to work, and I have to talk some kid into signing up.” His body jerked and a shudder made him close his eyes tight.

Eric ran his thumb over Gabi’s arm and felt her tremble beneath his touch. “You’re the only clean thing in my life. Sometimes I want you so bad to fill me, to take away all the dirty spots, to fill me with your goodness. I want to tell you every horror I’ve seen and have you kiss me and tell me it’s okay. I want you to make it all better for me. Then I come to my senses and think, ‘No, I can’t defile her like that.”

“But that’s not how I look at it. You’re my husband and you’re shutting me out. I want to help you.”

“Why are you still with me?”

“You’re my husband.”

Eric thought he saw a flash of pity and stood to walk away from her. He shook his head. I’m still a man, Gabi.”

She pulled on his sleeve. “I know you are, I never thought differently. If you’re thinking not being able to give me a baby makes you any less a man in my eyes, think again.”

Her words stabbed him and he flinched. “It seems you went to that conclusion awfully quick.”

“Don’t turn this around, we both know that’s what you meant. I’ve tried telling you I don’t care. All I want is for us to survive this.”

“If you don’t care, why do I always hear you crying when you think I’m asleep?”

“I’m not crying because I can’t have a baby; I’m crying because I’m losing you.”

The two of them stood staring at each other only inches apart. Eric wanted to reach for her to assure her that she wasn’t losing him, that he was the same as he’d always been but that was a lie. He’d never be the same after all the things he’d done. Right or wrong, what he’d done was etched on his soul and he didn’t know how to erase it. “Why did you go to church?” he asked, holding her gaze, swallowing his hurt when she came toward him.

“I went to pray for us,” Gabi answered softly, touching him, caressing him, the tears still streaming down her face.

“Do you think it’ll help?”

“I hope so. All I can do is have faith.” She glanced upward at him. “I’m not sure if I know what that means. I’m thinking it’s the same as patience, but I’m not sure. And… I’m running out of patience. Is the therapy helping?” she asked, switching the subject.

“No,” Eric answered truthfully, because it wasn’t, because he wasn’t going and when he’d gone he hadn’t talked. He couldn’t tell anyone the things that weighed on his soul, not ever.

“Maybe if you try talking to me, tell me what’s bothering you. You never know, just talking to me might help.” Gabi looked down, her shoulders trembling. “You treat me like the enemy. I love you, Eric, I swore to love you for always, to have your back as you had mine. But you no longer have my back. You’re hurting me and I can’t take much more.”

“Another threat?”

“No, baby.” Gabi stared at him and shook her head slowly. “You can’t or won’t talk to me but I know one of us needs to talk. You’re pushing me away and one day I’m going to believe you no longer love me. One day when you push, I’m going to push back. All I ask is that you be honest with me, give me a reason to believe you love me, give me a reason to even want to have faith. Talk to me.”

Eric rubbed at Gabi’s ever increasing tears with his thumb. “You never used to cry.”

“I never had a reason to cry before.”

With her words Eric crumbled, pulling Gabi hard against him. He held on to the one good thing in his life that he was pushing away. “I love you, Gabi, you have to believe that. I’m trying to find my way back to you. Just hang in for a little while.”

Her shoulders shook. “And baby,” he added, “I do have your back, I’ve always had your back. Even this, my hurting you, has been because I had your back.”

He saw the doubt creep into her eyes and slipped a finger under her chin, raising it to meet his lips. He’d kiss away her doubts. He’d make love to her until she would know with every fiber of her being that he could not stop loving her, that even if he died, he would be thinking of her, sending her his love.

As Gabi’s arms wrapped around him, it wasn’t lust that fueled his desire but love. He lifted his wife into his arms and carried her to their bed. Then he kissed her slowly, going over every inch of her again and again, using his tongue, his mouth and his kips to tell her what he couldn’t say with words. He wanted his lovemaking to soothe her wounded spirit, to lift the burden she carried.

And he would do it even as he added another pebble to the mountain of guilt he carried in his soul. He’d be damned if Gabi thought he didn’t love her. Sure, almost on a daily basis he thought that she would be better off without him but still he didn’t want her to stop loving him.

***

For the next few weeks Gabrielle had renewed hope. Things were not as they had been between her and Eric, but the decay had at least ceased. She treasured each moment they were together. But still there was something eating away at Eric, something that he wouldn’t share with her. Gabrielle had almost tired of changing the channel when Eric became lost in news of the war. She didn’t want to be his warden, only his wife.

When he’d wake up in the middle of the night drenched with sweat, his eyes wild, she’d hold him, pleading with him to let her in. There were times he’d seemed on the verge, then he’d look at her, shake his head and tell her that he’d work it out in therapy.

Therapy had been Gabi’s idea but it didn’t seem to be helping. As much as she didn’t want the irrational tinge of jealousy it ate at her anyway. Knowing that Eric could sit in an office and tell things to someone else that he couldn’t tell her burned at her pride.

Gradually Eric began staying out again. Only now he’d kiss her on the forehead when he returned home. And he’d hold her, his way of assuring her of his love, she supposed, but it was no longer enough.

Blind and stupid were not roles Gabi had ever expected to play and she couldn’t do it now. Not when more and more often Jamilla would comment at work about having seen Eric, having danced with him. Gabi had promised Eric she’d give him more time to find his way back to her. But she’d also made a promise to herself that she wouldn’t be dogged. She’d broken that promised to herself. It wasn’t that Gabrielle doubted Eric’s love, but dogged was still dogged no matter how you looked at it.

***

Gabrielle chopped garlic, onions, tomatoes and green peppers to top the frozen pizza. Eric was watching her. His eyes held a question but there was no answer Gabi could give. She no longer knew what he wanted.

“You’re looking tired,” He said.

She popped the pizza into the oven, opened the fridge and took out a bag of salad. She was waiting before she answered him, not wanting to snap. As soon as the salad was rinsed she dried her hands and turned to face him. “Why do you say that, because I’m only making frozen pizza and salad for dinner?” She opened the cabinet and took down two cans of broccoli cheese soup, opened them and dumped them in a sauce pan. “Is that better?”

“No, it has nothing to do with the food.”

“Then what? I don’t understand what you’re asking me.” Gabi bit her lips, trying to remain calm, not wanting to lash out at him and say, “Hell yes, I’m tired.’ She waited.

“Your soul seems tired.”

She blinked. Her soul was tired. “How can you know my soul is tired? You’re not here often enough to know that.” God, if only she could have bitten back the words. Gabi waited, she didn’t feel like fighting any more.

“Do you still love me, Gabi?”

Immediately tears flooded her eyes but she refused to allow them to fall. “I’ve done nothing to make you think I don’t love you.”

“You’ve given up.”

She began to tremble. If he was deliberately pushing her buttons he was doing a damn good job. She slid into the chair at the kitchen table across from him. “Given up on what exactly?” she asked, narrowing her gaze and staring at him.

“On me.”

“What is it that you want me to do?”

“Fight for us.”

Pain flooded Gabi’s body, radiating to every cell and membrane. She’d done this once too often. Her eyelids shuttered close and she clenched her teeth together, determined to regain control.

“Why don’t you call me on my bull anymore, demand that I stay home?”

“You’re not a little kid and I’m not your mother.” She rubbed her face, then opened her eyes. “Do you really think I want you home with me if I have to beg you?”

“I didn’t say beg, I said demand.”

“I’m also not a marine officer. Eric, you know right from wrong. You know if I decided to take to the streets you would have a fit.”

“So why haven’t you?”

“Is that what you want me to do?”

He shrugged. “I’m just curious, that’s all. You say I’m not me anymore but you’re not you anymore. You would have never allowed me to get away with any of this before.”